My son has got a girl pregnant

[Starling38]

I’m hoping for some advice. My son has got a girl pregnant and we’re devastated.
It’s a long story but I’ll try to brief..
my 25 year old son was in a loving relationship for nine years. He adored the girl and proposed marriage. She accepted, but then a few months later she left him for somebody else.
My son fell apart and had a serious emotional breakdown. We brought him home, looked after him and saw him through. He began to do a lot better and planned himself a new future that includes following his interests at university with the aim of finding a good job at the end.

In the meantime he moved in with his sister (younger by one year) and her housemate as it was closer to his college. He began a casual relationship with the housemate but made it clear he wasn’t looking for a relationship. The girl is now pregnant. She told him she was on the pill (although there’s now some doubt over that) but as I’ve explained to my son, if he didn’t want to be a father he should have used a condom. He acknowledges that and is angry with himself for being so irresponsible.

The girl has told him she knows he doesn’t want this, but she’s keeping it regardless and doesn’t mind if he’s not involved. (Apparently the girl has wanted a baby for a long time despite not being in a loving and commuted relationship.

We’re devastated for everyone concerned, especially the poor unborn child.

These are the issues:

1. My son does not love the girl
2. He does not want to be a father
3. The girl’s life style choices aren’t compatible with bringing a baby into the world. She smokes and drinks heavily and is continuing this through the pregnancy. She is also incapable of keeping a house clean and tidy and lives in messy and unhygienic conditions. My husband and I are devastated as this is not how we wanted our first grandchild to arrive.
4. There are two large dogs in the house. (This terrifies me!)
5. Our son and daughter have always had a very close and mutually supportive relationship, this situation is going to jeopardise that relationship.
6. Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever. My husband and I don’t know where this leaves us as grandparents.
7. Our daughter is the girl’s best friend AND aunt to the baby. Our daughter is extremely loyal to her friend and we believe she will lose contact with her brother and us if the girl keeps the child.
8. My husband and I are devastated. We wanted better than this for any of our grandchildren and this has the potential to tear our family apart.

We are utterly heartbroken by this situation. Our son has been completely irresponsible and we feel helpless.

We appreciate this is also a difficult situation for the girl, and we know that she’s the one who has the most difficult decisions to make in this matter. We’re just struggling with the fact that our feelings and preferences are to all intents and purposes irrelevant.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Amy advice will be gratefully received.

Thank you for reading my post.

Completely agree with Laurie.

Your son sounds like a right little melt, he should have wrapped up if he wasn't ready to father baby. Poor ickle GROWN ARSE MAN. Stop enabling this freakshow of a man child and offer some support to the woman carrying his baby.

It's time for your son to grow up and face the consequences of his actions. He doesn't get to just pretend that his child does not exist.

If your family is 'torn apart' it will because of his refusal to take responsibility for his child, and not because the woman has decided to continue with the pregnancy.

I think that you need to take a big breath.
Regarding the messy house, don't two/three people live there. How do you know who's making the mess or that its not all of them being slobs?
If she's sharing with your dd presumably she has a job and is employed and a functioning member of society.
The dogs, where are they? How ill behaved are they? Who's are they? Again they may be kept in area separate from the baby. Give her a chance.
Smoking and drinking - not ideal but pretty common. She may stop, she may not. You don't mention any hard drugs, you don't mention anything which would impair beyond society accepted impairment.

Regarding your son.
He chose to have casual sex with someone he didn't know very well and he trusted them enough to not use a condom. A side effect of unprotected sex, and sex is unprotected unless you see evidence of birth control is a baby. Unless he lives under a rock he must have known there was a possibility of pregnancy (the pill can still fail even if used correctly) and that in this country a woman who's pregnant gets to decide about abortion or not.
You need to support your son into growing up, into supporting the mother of his child. You also need to push him into preparing for fatherhood and not abandoning his baby. Your should get a relationship with your grandchild, because your son should ensure he fathers his baby (going down the legal route if necessary) and if he's fathering the baby and has a good relationship with you, then he'll let you visit or bring the baby over.
Regarding your dd. It sounds from your op that your forcing her to choose between bestfriend and DN and you and her brother.
Your DS and the woman broke the code. He should never have got with his sisters roomate and she shouldn't have done it with him.
Don't ask her to side, or have opinions on whats going on. It may be that she can see your DS suddenly treating her friend awfully and doesn't agree with him. It may be that her friend is as crazy as you say but she's decided to suck it up and stay in the friends good graces so that she can have a relationship with the baby.
Regardless you need to step back and stay classy. Do not whinge about her to your dd or even to your DS. Encourage him to man up and prepare to father his child and also to treat her respectfully at all times. It's 50% his responsibility and being angry about it because he feels trapped won't help the situation.
Let things play out and see what happens, it may not be as bad as you think.

I can't believe you are making this about you....

If your son wants to opt out of being in the child's life that's up to him. He made it quite clear he didn't want any kind of personal relationship with this woman. But he will have to pay maintenance if it can be proved the child is his.

But you sound very judgemental and it's probably best you keep away rather than making her life a misery with all this criticism about her housekeeping skills and so on. And your feelings are pretty irrelevant in this case IMHO.

Your son sounds an absolute delight , you should be ashamed of him . I’m sure everything else has been covered . If I were you I would be ingratiating myself with the mother so that you can at least have a good relationship with your GC , and if that pisses off your son then that’s just tough .

Agree with Laurie!

Aw your precious boy got a girl knocked up what a shame!

He's 25, some men fight at 18 for our country!

He needs to get a job and stop being a fanny rat!

They are both grown adults. It’s good to support him but the way your talking it sounds like you’re talking about a 15 year old.

What kind of person wants nothing to do with the mother of his child or the innocent child?

This is shit. I was the child born when the father didn't want one. Mother said she was on the pill. It's truly truly shit to not be wanted and my life has been horrific. Abuse, in care etc.

Stop bleating about your perfect life being spoilt and kick your son up the arse. Maybe if he'd shown some genuine shock and fear she might have listened to his obvious desire for her to have a termination but I doubt it. The more of a twat he is the more she will tell him where to go. He can ignore and abandon them but he has to pay for the baby.

Our son is saying he will have no contact with her or the child whatsoever.

Don't think much of your son. At all.

The only thing you can really do is calmly tell him he is going to be a father, and as such, he needs to step up. He doesn't need to be with the baby's mum, but he does need to be there for his child.

See if you can reach out to the young woman and ask her if you can be involved. Offer your support and understanding. Stop suggesting she may have done this 'on purpose' or that she's wanted a child for a while, etc ... that will put her right off of you, and it serves no purpose now other than to antagonize the mother of your future grandchild.

SEt an example for your son. And hope he follows it.

Good luck.

StinkPickle: If he’s got a girl pregnant I’m sorry but he’s a disgusting paedophile and the police should be involved.

How can two adults of about the same age having consenual sex make him a paedophile.
What he/they have done is perfectly legal I don't think the police would be very interested.

Sounds like you’ve babied your son and turned him into a prick

Sir.

Read again that poster used GIRL on purpose.

The OP is disrespecting the pregnant WOMAN by calling her a girl hence the posters comment

Yes, I was also expecting to read that your 15 year old son had got a 15 year old girl pregnant. Not that your 25 year old son had got a WOMAN pregnant.

This is not about you or what you want.

Your son didn't want a baby? Didn't think this was the sort of WOMAN he wanted as the mother of his child? Well then he should have thought about that before he had unprotected sex with her (yes, yes, I know she said she was on the pill, but if he didn't want a child, he should have put something on it, shouldn't he?)

It's nobody's decision but this woman's whether she continues with this pregnancy or not. Least of all yours.

Oh, and what Laurie said.

At least your daughter escaped your genes and seems like she'll stick by her friend and her neice/nephew. Sounds like the mother will need the support.

Your son sounds awful. He is 25, he’s not a little boy! He needs to grow up and and take responsibility for his actions.

Before I clicked on this thread I thought it was going to be about a boy of 13 or something.

Mose you’d be devastated that your son didn’t use a condom and got someone pregnant?

I hope the devastation would be because he’s more of an idiot than you thought.

sir the op failed to mention the women's age. I think the pp assumed the woman was a child as the op called her a girl.

I say thank heavens for your daughter! I'm very glad to hear that somebody will be there to support this young woman and her child.

This baby will (all being well) be born and you have the choice to either help & support the child's mother and thereby be involved in the child's life or to disapprove from afar and miss out on your grandchild.

If it were my son (I do have an adult DS), I would be encouraging him to be way more supportive of the woman he conceived a child with. It may not be his first choice to become a father right now, and there may well not be a lasting relationship between the two, but there is an innocent child to consider in all of this. Having nothing to do with either the child or it's mother will not alter the fact that he is, in fact, a father. He needs to grow up.

Similar happened to a family I know.
A few years later and he is a very caring Dad who is totally stepping up to his responsibilities, grandparents see a lot of their adored grandchild. Give yourselves a chance to get over the shock and don't say anything too rash!
One day, the dust will have settled and things will have fallen into a new normal.
Change of plan does not have to be a disaster.

OP I'm so sorry this must be so hard for you as parents. I'm not sure what to advise really - perhaps you could invite your son and daughter over for a meal and use it as an opportunity to discuss your concerns and the potential effect it will have on your family. At the end of the day you want what's best for your children and I'm sure they will understand that. If the girl decides she wants to keep the baby you need to accept that and make the best of the situation. I do think your son will regret not having anything to do with the baby though. He needs to accept he is partly responsible for this situation.

This young woman is your daughters best mate, so she can't be that awful. You needed park all your disappointment and judgement and focus on getting to know her. Maybe find out what support she needs since she and her unborn baby have been rejected by your son. Be proud of your daughter for sticking by her friend when your son won't. Encourage him to step up and be a Dad. This doesn't have to be the end of the world, unless you make it so.

your way forward here is obvious: you think of your relationship with your future grandchild, and your daughter, and you act in a cuddly nice way where you imagine that everyone has the best of intentions so that you can stay involved with your GC's life and your DD's life.

Your son has made his bed - if he doesn't man up, that's on him, i'd have a quiet word but I'd be slapping on a big happy smile for the sake of my family relationships and getting round there with a duster, plus offering to make sure the dogs are well exercised.

Whatever you think of that woman, your GC needs you.

For heavens sake...this is your grandchild...however it came about ,try to be happy,this dosnt need to be a big deal..no one is expecting you or your lovely son to care for the child...however how about contacting this lady and asking how you can help...set a good example to your son..you can be good grandparents,if you choose to be.