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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Gender disappointment

225 replies

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:21

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 20/09/2025 19:28

This is awful to read. You don't feel bonded with the baby any more? The baby you chose to create knowing it was 50/50 odds of being a boy? No one's worth is determined by their gender.

CarlaLemarchant · 20/09/2025 19:31

Maybe seek advice from your midwife if you’re struggling emotionally.

In the mean time, try and do the things that got you excited about dc1. Buy some new baby clothes (as opposed to just reusing all of the old stuff). Throw yourself into picking baby names, I’d like to think DH will let you pick this one to cheer you up. Let go of your anger DH, none of this is his fault. Thats not even rational. Let dc1 get excited about having a brother.

Most of all, remember this baby will still be a completely new person, with his own interests, looks and personality. He won’t just be a carbon copy of dc1.

Finally, don’t indulge yourself with this train of thought too much. You have some control of your feelings. Snap yourself out of it.

MidnightPatrol · 20/09/2025 19:32

What exactly is it you think you’re going to be missing out from by having a boy rather than a girl?

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:40

I think it's mainly because I have such a great relationship with my mum and I watch my son and my husband have this bond through similar likes and interests that I would just love to share.

I am massively aware that I could have this with a boy too and I'm also aware that even if I did have a girl they wouldn't necessarily be interested in what I am.

I also look at how close I am with my family and how most of the men in my life aren't as close with theirs, they don't really make an effort. AGAIN, I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm assuming what life will be like without knowing and the gender doesn't mean that they will be one way or another. I understand that completely and when the rational side of me reminds myself this I do start to feel better but when the irrational, hormonal, pregnant side of me comes out I just get so upset about feeling like I'm going to miss out on certain stereotypical girly things.

OP posts:
Neetra30 · 20/09/2025 19:40

Are you actually kidding me. Just be grateful you are pregnant with a healthy child.

I'm sure you will bond with the baby when its born. Not having daughters is not the end of the world

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:43

Yes and I've said I feel awful about it which is why I need some actual advice not judgement. It's an issue I'm trying to deal with and if you've never felt this before you will never understand so please don't comment if you've not come with open minded advice.

OP posts:
K0OLA1D · 20/09/2025 19:44

I'd have won that bet.

Uphighseesky · 20/09/2025 19:44

"I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?"

Maybe think of all the parents who have suffered a stillbirth, gone through terminations which weren't their choice, give birth to children who don't live. And be fucking thankful for a healthy child.

These threads are honestly sickening.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:45

Helpful. I didn't realise it was so easy.

OP posts:
nosleepforthewickedx2 · 20/09/2025 19:47

Poor poor baby. I have never ever come across a thread that states gender disappointment and they are having a girl. Quite sad really, boys are great!

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:47

Go to a different one then instead. This is for people to help and give advice not being judgemental.

Oh and by the way... You have no idea what I've been through in the past and I know I'm allowed to feel however I feel and it's valid.

OP posts:
Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:48

I know I've got one already. But I'm also allowed to feel this way.

OP posts:
Mustbethat · 20/09/2025 19:49

Well you need to start finding things you have in common with your children.

gender is irrelevant. Don’t assume because they’re the opposite sex you will not have anything to bond over.

if you like ballet, take your son to the ballet. Show him the strong, masculine ballet dancers. If he likes art take him to galleries. If he likes science get involved in that. Teach him about your interests rather than assume he won’t enjoy it because he’s not a girl.

expose him to everything, not just “boy stuff”. There will be something. My dh likes fashion and shopping, so he takes our girl out for clothes. I like sport so will happily watch hours of gymnastics, swimming, or park run.

this is the issue I see with boy/girl families. Mum does everything with daughter, dad does everything with boy. Means mum/son and dad/daughter relationships suffer, confirming the stereotypes.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:51

Did you read my response? I said I knew this already.

OP posts:
Minimalistmamaoftwo · 20/09/2025 19:52

I had a second little boy when my first was three. We didn’t find out the sex until he was born because I convinced myself you couldn’t be disappointed with a healthy newborn. I was wrong and I was really worried I’d get depressed because the first thing I felt when I saw he was a boy was disappointment.
almost two years on he is the absolute joy of our family. He is his brothers opposite in every way and if I could go back now and make him a girl I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t want him to be anything other than exactly what he is because he literally lights up our lives. I still feel sad that I probably won’t have a girl but this feeling is lessened by the fact that I would not swap my boys for girls and the realisation after having two that they really are so individual and you will get things from your seeing boy that you don’t from your first. Sending you a hug though, it is a horrible feeling to sit with particularly as you can really dislike yourself for it but it will get so much better

InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava · 20/09/2025 19:52

I had exactly the same. I found out I was having a boy and was utterly devastated

Sometimeswinning · 20/09/2025 19:53

I find it a little uncomfortable to read. I can understand the oh I’ve got 2 boys would have fancied a girl. I don’t understand your resentment. I don’t think it’s a normal reaction and you are best off asking someone in real life because I think you need help.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 20/09/2025 19:53

I don't get why everyone wants girls... What is having a vagina gonna change

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:53

Well guys, I definitely feel better because some of your responses are actually making me piss myself laughing at how mad you are.

I guess I'll stick to talking to people who are open minded and non judgemental 😂

OP posts:
Zempy · 20/09/2025 19:55

This is pretty shocking to read. Do you actually want to continue with the pregnancy?

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:55

Thank you so much for this comment. You've really made me feel better 😀

OP posts:
RoomToDream · 20/09/2025 19:55

The things you are worried about become self fulfilling prophecies. @Mustbethat nails it. You have the power to break that cycle. If you treat this child as your future best friend (in a healthy way) you will push both of you into more situations and hobbies where you find common interest.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:56

Yes. I still want the baby. I still love the baby. I just feel grief for something I've lost.

OP posts:
InSlovakiaTheCapitalOfCourseIsBratislava · 20/09/2025 19:57

Entirely with you on that

it is good to know I’m not the only one. My cousin who is a midwife said it’s not uncommon but given the reaction you’ve had I can see why people aren’t exactly open about it

K0OLA1D · 20/09/2025 19:57

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:56

Yes. I still want the baby. I still love the baby. I just feel grief for something I've lost.

Unless you have actually lost a girl. And I am sorry if you have. You haven't lost anything.