Gender disappointment

[katieelnewmum]

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

OP, posts like these never go well. But more people feel this way than they’re willing to admit. No judgement here. I can see why you would want a girl. They’re the same reasons why lots of women would like a daughter. I’m sure this feeling will pass once your lovely baby is here. But I do think you should try to seek some support.

Thanks for the comment and I completely get why you've put that and it might sound contradictory but it's not something I would ever do. Also, I'm not planning on having another. We don't have the capacity for it..

I understand as I only thought I’d have one pregnancy and really wanted a daughter. With my second I wished again for a daughter. I think it’s far more common than people admit too and it doesn’t mean you won’t love him or enjoy him as a person: it does mean you may grieve what you thought you would have and that doesn’t make you a bad person. Talk to your midwife and try and find something to get excited about this new baby

I completely agree. Thanks x

Eh? What 'grief, pain, shame and disappointment' comes from having a baby of either sex? If you have felt that, I'm sorry for you, but your problem doesn't lie with me.

Thank you 💙💙

If at all it helps... i have two boys with a 3 year age gap, now 5 and 2 (never had any particular desires about what gender they'd be) and they are absolutely delightful! they play together adorably, my oldest calls my youngest "babe" and is currently teaching him the alphabet. they are so affectionate and cuddly and I know you know that your relationship with your children is down to their personality type and what you make of it, not their gender. so allow yourself to feel upset for a bit, and then reframe that you are going to be a great mum of the wonderful new generation of men :) x

I love this so much 💙💙💙

Gosh I think you're getting some really hysterical responses. There's nothing that you've said that suggests you're not going to love and adore your second son, I totally get your feelings. You're thinking ahead using your past and current experiences. But you're future experiences are yet to be determined. For what's it worth, my husband is so close to his mum, not in a mummys boy way but in a lovely reciprocal supportive way, she's fab! Whereas my mum could take me or leave me.

I have boy and girl and remember worrying about the same thing before I found out the sex. It was actually the reason I found out for the second time. I think you're saying the out loud what a lot of people think.

I feel sad OP that people think it’s ok to berate you for being honest about you feel. I have experienced many losses, some very late when I knew the gender and I know how complicated it can be. I had a boy then several early losses and then a late loss at 20 weeks when we knew he was a boy. My next pregnancy we found out it was a girl and while I was over the moon I also felt sad that I wasn’t getting my boy and a brother for DS as we had thought we would have in our last pregnancy and DH found that particularly difficult.

Just know that it ok to feel how you feel and when he is here it will all be forgotten. There are so many advantages to having two of the same sex and they may be into the same things etc. They may not be and be two completely different boys but when all is said and done I can almost guarantee you that you will be so grateful for the family you end up with no matter how that looks.

I say all this as someone who ended up with DS and 2 DD - I never got my second boy but my girls are amazing and what is meant to be will be - try not to stress and be kind to yourself. Being pregnant and all the emotions that go with it can be difficult to navigate. After the birth all you will feel is ecstatic that is here and well I promise.

Grief, pain, shame and disappointment that comes with being fortunate enough to carry a baby and finding out the sex isnt what you hoped it would be. Its not as linear as 'oh, i didnt want that sex'. Theres a guilt and shame that comes with that feeling thats unmatched. It requires support, not being berated for speaking the truth about feelings.

Never post on a Saturday evening, OP...

DS1 is a clone of his Dad. DS2 is 100% me (right down to hobbies, love of sequins, glitter, bikes and swimming).

Then DD came along. So far she's not like either of us. She loves football, cars and dolls.

They're all fairly young but I'm pretty sure that DS2 will be the one I dance with at weddings, DS1 will never want to leave home and DD will do whatever the hell she likes with no regard for my opinion whatsoever.

In short, I think you're mourning a very specific idea of what your daughter would have been like. Let kids be whatever they want.

I was disappointed when I found out I was having a second girl but I soon came round to thinking that it wasn’t fair to my baby to think like this.
I only have an older sister, how would I have felt if my parents were disappointed with my gender?
In fact my Dad was very disappointed, and made it clear and it hurt like hell.
How would you feel if you miscarried again, does that put it more in perspective that you are lucky to be carrying a healthy baby?

Ignore all the people who don’t get it.

and all those saying it’s only important for the baby to be healthy - as someone who has lost a baby, gender disappointment (for a healthy baby) is still a very real thing.

thegdpsychologist on Instagram is a helpful resource to check out.

It's always sad when a door closes in life; for many people having 2 children of the same sex closes the door on ever having the other. And for many women, never having a daughter is a real grief. (I would guess if this were Dadsnet there would be multiple threads from men disappointed never to have a son!)

I say don't feel guilty about having this grief but also remind yourself that your hormones right now will be making it seem much, much worse. In years to come, even though you might still feel sad not to have a girl, you'll be so glad your little boy is who he is that you won't wish him any different. At least, that's how I feel having been disappointed my 3rd was a boy - now I laugh at how I felt back then, and thank God for all the ways having a boy is so right for our family.

What guilt and shame? Tell me, why would you feel that, carrying a boy? Or a girl? Be specific, so I can understand.

It really is true that people only understand from their own level of perception and self awareness.

Do you think one would feel delighted that one was disappointed with the gender of ones baby? Or do you think one would feel shame and guilt for feeling that ones baby was not the sex one wanted and had to carry the weight of that feeling?

Not everyone is happy with the gender of their baby. Im glad you were, thats great. But OP is disappointed. And thats okay. Her feelings are valid. Just like yours are, too. My point is, you dont have the right to turn your nose up at anyone just because you had the wonderful experience. Its people like you that put fear in others to speak their truth. I wont be replying to you further. Its draining.

I think it’s normal to have imagined what your family might look like and for it to take a bit of adjustment when the reality is slightly different. I have 2 boys and a girl and the differences between them all are mostly not at all gender related (the girl is very boisterous for example). The boys are so different and I love watching them grow in such different ways. For what it’s worth, my husband is as close to his family as I am to mine - they text every day etc. And I would say I am closer to my MIL than my husband is to my mum. So she now has a daughter (well two, my SIL aswell) and she is definitely not without support/close family!

tbh, as someone who has had two miscarriages following my DC1, I can’t imagine being anything other than over the moon that my unborn baby was healthy. I’m a little surprised given what you have experienced you feel that way.

I’ve got two boys and, while I kind of get the concern about shared interests and how close you will be, I also kind of think it’s your job to raise them into the men you want them to be. Maybe you will take on some of their interests? Maybe they will actually love some of the stuff you love? Don’t raise them to expect their life partner to also be their mummy!! Create a space for yourself and be their bestie. Boys love their mums - nurture that as they grow. I know loads of guys that are still really close with their mums.

Give yourself a few days to mope and then make yourself move on. My son's are the light of my life, genuinely loved the fun we had when they were children.

If you feel such sadness and are struggling to bond with your baby speak to your midwife and keep in mind the symptoms of pre-natal anxiety and depression - particularly this rumination on the future relationship you will have with a son vs daughter. Your body and hormones are going through a lot right now and you may not feel this way once your little boy is here.

You haven't lost anything. You are gaining a beautiful baby boy. A little brother for your other boy.
Just love him.
You know you will.x

Boys are great!! as someone said on here the gender disappointments are always about boys. I am glad I do not have girls i would be "disappointed" . 🙄

But where does the guilt and shame come from?