Gender disappointment

[katieelnewmum]

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

It's probably best you're not having a girl. Having these expectations isn't healthy. If you're so devestated that you're carrying a boy that you have lost the bond what would you be like with a girl who didn't meet your expectations and wasn't 'girly' enough? You could have caused some damage to her with those expectations. At least this way you have some time to adjust before the child is here picking up on your dissatisfaction with them.

I feel your repeated use of 'haha' and flippant (and sometimes blunt) replies have been the reason why you are getting the feedback that you are receiving.

It's not quite so amusing to those who have struggled to conceive and/or have endured the heartbreak of childloss.

Regardless, your feelings are your feelings. No one can take that from you, I'd perhaps suggest being mindful of your approach though.

I am very lucky to have two children - both the same sex and I couldn't imagine life any other way. I strongly felt my first was male and picked a name for him only to learn he was a she.

My husband admitted that he always wanted a boy to do 'boy things' with such as football and fishing but this was a standard (and very stereotypical) growing up ideal he had in his mind from when he was little.

He's since confirmed he absolutely couldn't imagine life any other way and I hope you feel the same too when your son arrives. Regardless of sex, your sons will be their own people.

My girl prefers to kick a football around than paint nails. I miscarried a couple of years ago now. I would love to just be pregnant again!

Exactly, our girls love doing activities that typically would not be seen as for girls years ago.

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss and sending love x

For someone who struggled to conceive, I will never understand gender disappointment.

For what it's worth, I have 2 boys. I found out they were boys when they were born. They were the 2 single proudest moments of my life.

They have the best sibling relationship, for me that's far more important than having my hair done with a non-existence daughter.

Anyhow, I am extremely close to both of them. We love shopping, we love baking, crafting and building legos. It really does not matter what gender they are, you can still have the best times.

A little question on the final note! Why is it always boys that are a gender disappointment?? Honestly my boys are just the best and I would not change them for the world.

I have three grown sons now. It would have been lovely to have a daughter I’m sure, but I also know it would be the dream of a daughter, not the reality. My husband would have liked a daughter as he says the boys all adore their mum the most and he would have quite liked a bit of that! He describes me as the lynchpin of the family wheel. We are all very close. I’ve always been happy to be the main “communication hub” as they grew, as males don’t always communicate well, so I always knew what was going on with everyone even if they didn’t know what was going on with each other (talking teenagers here). We chose to stop at 3, not that worried about a girl. I’m sure we would have had different experiences with a daughter, but we couldn’t be any happier with, or prouder of our boys. Hope that may give you some hope!

You gave not lost anything other than an imaginary relationship with a stereotypical child of a particular gender. Even if you had a girl, your imagination may have created something totally different to the wee girl you had.

Miscarriage, now that is loss. Are you sure you have processed this? The result of my miscarriages and failed ivf was that I felt so fucking lucky to be a mummy that I have never lost sight of that privilege for even a second.

What do you have? More than many can dream of. Get happy with it. You are luckier than you seem to be able to see.

I required fertility treatment to conceive all my pregnancies.

i experienced 2 miscarriages - one at 21
weeks that I had to labour and deliver

i still experienced gender disappointment.

you can’t help how you feel

too bad if some people can’t understand that. That’s on them for lacking empathy.

If at all it helps... i have two boys with a 3 year age gap, now 5 and 2 (never had any particular desires about what gender they'd be) and they are absolutely delightful! they play together adorably, my oldest calls my youngest "babe" and is currently teaching him the alphabet. they are so affectionate and cuddly and I know you know that your relationship with your children is down to their personality type and what you make of it, not their gender. so allow yourself to feel upset for a bit, and then reframe that you are going to be a great mum of the wonderful new generation of men :) x

OP I can see you’ve been getting a lot of stick on here but the reality is that you can’t help how you inherently feel and I’m sure that you don’t want to feel like this, so I’m sorry that you’re having these negative feelings in what should be a really lovely time in your life.

From my experience, my first was a boy and I was ecstatic, my best and closest relationships in my family were with the boys, brothers/nephews etc so I always thought I’d be better suited to being a “boy mom” and tbh it was just as wonderful as I thought it would be. I adore my little boy, he’s just utterly amazing. So when I was pregnant with my second, admittedly I didn’t feel as strongly as you do but I secretly hoped it would be another boy as I imagine doing all the stereotypical things like watching their sports matches, them growing up and being best mates, roughhousing with them both etc. then I found out it was a girl and I didn’t know how the hell I was going to be able to be the same mom to a girl that I was to my boy. May sound silly to some but it was an anxiety that I had and I couldn’t help how I was feeling inside. However, now that my little girl is here, my god I adore her! She is the most beautiful, precious wonderful thing in the world and I can’t remember how or why I ever thought otherwise. My point is this: trust yourself to know that you will love this child infinitely regardless. And when they’re born and you see them, hold them and love them so much you won’t want them to ever be anything else! Two boys are an amazing gift, particularly after having the heartbreaking news of a miscarriage, and two little boys only a few years apart are going to always have a friend for life. It will be amazing ❤️

The two feelings can coexist. You can be devastated about a miscarriage AND you can then feel gender disappointment. Why is so difficult to understand that some parents would prefer the opportunity to raise a boy AND a girl? They are different experiences!

I’d like the opportunity to do a lot of things. That’s life, we don’t always get what we want.

i have raised one athlete, one not.
one academic, one dyslexic
one who is clean and tidy, one who leaves a trail of devastation and more wet towels than I’ve ever seen.
one who is off travelling the world, one who is a stay at home.
one who is sociable and loves partying, one who prefers staying in.
one extrovert, one introvert.

the “experience” is of raising two completely different children. Their sex is a minor issue. I could have had two of different sex who were exactly the same personality wise. There’d be more “experience” raising two different personalities of the same sex.

if you want “different experiences” raising children, sex has probably the least impact.

Always a boy.

I think people are reacting to how strongly disappointed OP is saying she is, as yes it’s perfectly normal to have a hope for one or the other gender.
i cried when I found out I was having a second girl cos I knew I wasn’t having any more and I just wanted that (probably silly) thing that I wanted to have one of each and wanted to see what my “son” would look like!
Most people don’t feel that strongly about gender disappointment to come and post on MN either so it must be really bothering OP!

Why is it always boys that are a gender disappointment??

Because Mumsnet is a forum made up of nearly all women, of course! As I said in my previous post, if it were Dadsnet it would be predominantly girl-related gender disappointment!

Like a previous poster I also find it hilarious how everyone is falling over themselves to say there are no differences between boys and girls, it's all just stereotypes etc etc, while also saying 2 boys will have a lovely bond and a friend for life (so, better than a boy and a girl...? Why, according to this logic...?). And then perhaps going on a different part of Mumsnet to decry trans people and press for women-only spaces. You can't have it all ways!

I have one of each.
I always thought I’d have 2 little girls (according to dd- I do)
when I found out my baby was a boy I was happy , but not sure how I’d mother a boy - I did get those books someone mention / rising sons/ daughter.
my son encouraged me to read it
Both adult now.
my son is so close to me.
My dd, not so much.
ds has2 half siblings and they all get on , but the boys are all so different, one extrovert, one introvert and one somewhere i between

I think saying teenage girls are ' stroppy' is a far less harmful stereotype than the ones about girls that always turn up on these threads. That they will be compliant little mini me's, doing nothing but dress shopping and having their hair and nails done with their mums. Before being expected to sacrifice their whole lives to never move more than 10 minutes away, not putting their own families before their mothers and expecting them to firstly provide grandchildren and then have their mums in the delivery room!

I do understand infertility and it took us 3 years and failed IVF to conceive our daughter. 6 years on we haven’t been able to conceive a second child and I am now sorting out our ‘baby stuff’ to give away…….

you need to focus on the positives not on the perceived negatives

Not sure if you have misinterpreted my post or if I am misinterapting yours.

I never mentioned that having a girl as opposed to a boy is any different, I wouldn't know as I only have boys.

I was giving OP my experience. Of course brothers and sisters can have a lovely bond too, I am extremely close to my brother. I was simply explaining to OP that having only boys is wonderful.

Not sure about the trans part you are quoting in reference to my post, I have never posted on any of those topics.

Why is it always boys that are gender disappointment??

You just have to read one of the MANY threads about ‘awful’ mother in laws on here! As soon as a son marries, his wife starts taking a dislike to his mother and often wants him to take her side, against his mum. I’ve read so many of these threads that that prospect does make me a little sad. What’s worse, a lot of those mums hating their mother in laws have boys themselves, not realising what terrible role models they are.

To be honest it's only on mumsnet that I read about women hating on their mother in laws.

In my reality, I don't know of anyone who has any bad experience with their mother in laws, everyone seems to get on very well with them.

I myself, have a wonderful mother in law and feel close to her. I often go shopping with her and she is a huge part of my son's life and is extremely close to her own son's as much as she is her daughters.

I got on really well with my previous partners mum too, she was great, her son not so much 🤣 we even kept in touch for a short while after splitting but as no children were involved it just felt a little awkward as we both (me and her son) went on with our new lives.

Apologies, only the first paragraph of my post was in response to yours. The other paragraph was a general response to the thread. I should have made that clear.

@Mustbethat no I perfectly understood. My point is that they are children for maybe 2-5% of their whole life. The rest of the time they are adults. So as children, yes we shouldn't stereotype, my DS loves nail varnish and glitter and dinosaurs and cars, my niece is a footfall fanatic and hates dresses. BUT, young DC all eventually become adult DC and OP is right. Only the female picks out a wedding dress, only a female carries and bears children. She is sad to miss out on having that relationship with an adult female DC which is totally valid. Men will never be that. So as much as they're "the same" as kids. Adulthood is a different story. I know this is a generalisation, some women don't marry, some never reproduce, some can't have kids. But that's what the OP is saying she is grieving. And most MN hold the women mantle pretty high. Men will never be women and vice versa. The OP is sad she will never have a woman to woman relationship as she ages.

Ignore the judgment, you feel how you feel but don't let it affect your relationships with your husband or unborn child. I imagine somewhere down the line you will accept your reality, maybe get some counselling if time doesn't help you accept this. Feel your grief and in time you will move on.

I couldn't have children OP, and I don't like my situation being used as a stick to beat you with. You feel how you feel, and it's surely not that uncommon.