Gender disappointment

[katieelnewmum]

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

100%.... Also, just got the record, I actually have had losses but they don't want to listen to that. ❤️

You know I've put I've had a miscarriage myself and other losses aoooooo think I know what I'm talking about.

Gender disappointment is quite common and normal.

you will get a lot of grief on this thread but you can’t help how you feel.

please ignore those whom lack empathy and understanding - that’s their problem not yours. And some of them are being total arseholes.

you will get over it and you will love your baby. You just need a bit of time.

dont beat yourself up about it.

Not read everyone’s comments, but I’ll tell you how I felt and it may help you op.
I have always wanted two kids, so they hopefully have each other in life.
Ideally I wanted one girl and one boy, for what reason I don’t know. A lot of people do I suppose. Most of all I wanted a little girl, no idea why just how I felt. Omg I got my girl I was so damn happy. Second pregnancy I’m wanting a boy, but nope a girl. I’m instantly upset and feel so bad, not because she was another girl but because I will never have a boy. I felt I loved my girl so much and maybe I wouldn’t feel as strong about my second.
My eldest is 8 and my youngest is 5 and I’d do anything for them, I adore their bond and we are three girls together. I don’t really think about having a boy anymore. My girls are the best kids I could ever of dreamt for. My eldest is like her dad and youngest is a mini me. They are so different from each other and yet the same.
I think women should stop finding out early because once you see your baby you just love them.
Try not to stress, it will pass, your feelings are valid and yes some people have terrible trauma
and loss. But none of that devalues how you feel.
best wishes you got this.

Everyones hurt is important no matter how insignificant it is to some people.

@katieelnewmum
My first preganancy we were told we were having a girl. We had chosen her name, picked out clothes for her, told friends and family etc. Because I had some complications, I had more scans than normal and at my next scan the nurse carrying out the ultrasound asked if we knew what we were having. When we told him, he laughed and said nope.... look there, you're definitely having a boy.
It took me a good few weeks to get over that - like I was grieving for a baby girl that was never there. It was a strange period of pregnancy and I felt really bad about being so upset - all that matters is that they're healthy and born safely. But were only human and pregnancy hormones are wild. I have a healthy happyb2 year old boy now who is my entire world. I guess I just wanted to comment to say I can understand where you're coming from. Wishing you a healthy happy preganacy

I find it mad that it always seems to be a couple wanting all boys or all girls. My DB and DSIL had 2 girls and were that devastated they didn't dare post their gender reveal video for the second because apparently they sobbed! Whereas others with boys cry over girls ! I think unless every parent gets 1 of each they're never going to be happy.

This is lovely and so helpful thank you for making me feel heard 💙

I have three boys and understand how you feel, I felt really sad when I found out my third was a boy. The economist ran an article recently about how westerners want girls (people who have boys have more children, trying for a girl and those who visit fertility clinics in order to choose the gender overwhelming want girls). Apparently we do it because we think they will remain closer to us as adults, which is the same reason that boys were favoured in Asian countries. I found it helpful to read this as it helped me understand my feelings and realise I wasn’t alone. I felt very sad but after a year or so of letting myself talk about these feelings with kind friends / friends in the same boat, I feel much better. My youngest is 14 months now and I wouldn’t change him for the world ! Once you meet your baby and get to know him you will feel the same. Let yourself feel your feelings, talk about it to trusted friends, fall in love with your new baby and you will feel better too. Best of luck.

My daughter is 18 now. Never once has she had her nails done, no interest in boys at all. We go to feminist poetry recitals, gigs, out for sushi, to National Trust properties. All things I also do with my son.

The only difference I find in having a girl is biological understanding. I know what it's like to navigate female biology and can sympathise/suggest solutions via lived experience.

Thank you 💙

Can’t have children due to x circumstances

Pregnant but unhappy with gender

Slight difference!

Now, you fuck off!

I do get it. I never wanted girls and luckily had boys. But I also would have loved a girl just the same and would not have been disappointed. I had a preference for no good reason other than having brothers, godsons and all my cousins children being boys, I was just used to them 😂 also dont know how I would cope with a miniature version of myself lol

Thank you 💙

Hi op, I felt the same finding out my first child was a girl. I wanted a boy as we are girl heavy in our family, I am a Tom boy not girly and worried if I had a girl I'd be a bit crap, I can't do nice hairdoos ect. I felt so guilty for feeling that way it only lasted a couple of days and I got over it as I knew it was a shitty thing to think. With my 2nd I really didn't care the gender because I knew I loved her so much and I'd love the new one too. I didn't find out til he was born, I do think maybe finding the gender before birth isn't really a good thing, especially, if you have a preference. Your children will have such different personalities, even if you had a girl you could have had one like me who can't stand shopping, dresses or stereotypical girly things. You are really mourning something that doesn't exsist. I think a lot of parents do initially have a preferred gender in mind and it's not unusual or evil like some posters are making out.

Everyone's feelings are valid. You shouldn't compare. I know I'm lucky but I'm also allowed to feel this way. My feeling shouldn't be diminished just because someone is going through something worse.

I think you need to go easy on yourself. As someone who did go through miscarriages and years of infertility eventually having one rainbow baby. I can still feel sympathy for you. We are all human and build pictures in our heads. Give yourself a day or two have a little wallow and then remind yourself of how lucky you will be to have two beautiful boys.
a girl is fab but no guarantee they would be girly and your bff
I hope you can enjoy the remainder of the pregnancy and feel happier soon

I think that’s quite an idealised vision of what having a daughter might have been like. At least 1 in 5 women don’t have children (and will probably be even higher for this generation) so that’s a LOT of baby girls who won’t have children when they’re older. My auntie has two adult daughters, both of whom chose not to have children. I also find that paternal grandparents can be just as close or closer to grandchildren as it generally boils down to who lives the closest.
Also I would have hated both my MIL or my own mum anywhere near the hospital, let alone in the waiting room or- god forbid- the labour room! 🤣 That was for me and DH. Both sets of grandparents visited well after the birth. It’s the same for all my friends.

So, whilst it happens sometimes, a lot of what you listed wouldn’t be guaranteed even with a girl ❤️

Please don't. I was perfectly content with having a happy, healthy baby, regardless of it's sex 😊

Thank you 😊💙

Thank you for this..I'm sorry for your losses. I myself have had losses and this baby is infact a rainbow baby and I am happy he is healthy and he will be the happiest little boy in the world when he meets his big brother 💙💙

This is lovely. I love it 💙💙

I don’t think the OP deserves all the hate she’s getting here when she’s just been honest and shared her emotions - she has stated she feels awful about it. I think it’s sad that you don’t feel bonded with the baby or much excitement anymore, I’m sure when your baby is here you’ll feel all the love you did with your first child and when that baby is a walking, talking toddler and his personality is starting to shine through you’ll never want to change who he is. As others have suggested maybe having some therapy or speaking to a midwife would be helpful. Gender disappointment is real even if some people don’t understand it, and yes a healthy baby / healthy pregnancy is always best regardless of gender, just keep in mind how lucky you are OP to have your healthy baby boy in the first place and try to shop for some cute baby boy outfits or pick a name to bond with him a little more before he gets here.

Why turn the thread into a girl bashing thread.
This always happens on these threads, and there are a lot so it must be an issue.
Are gay teenage boys not stroppy or are you being as stereotypical as the op?