Gender disappointment

[katieelnewmum]

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

I cant offer much advice, other than I felt the same, and 9 months later still sad I have 2 boys.

I love them so much, and wouldn't change it, i ADORE raising boys, but im so so worried about them growing up and having less to do with 'our side' just cause their men. I just have to hope they wont, and that we'll have some shared interest so they want to spend time with us.

2 boys is amazing in so many ways, watching them together is heart melting, and makes me so proud. But it is hard to see friends with daughters - its a constant reminder of something you dont have, and ill be honest it hasn't settled 9 months, but you love them so much that the ache for a daughter is overshadowed by the love of your boys. Youll connect with the baby, thats just the inital blow.

And ignore those who are getting pissy about you being sad. Youre not sad about baby being a boy, youre sad about not getting what youve imagined from life. Its similar to wanting to be a dr since a child and becoming a dentist instead, still amazing but different.

Not all feelings are valid and this is one of them.

Well arent you lucky youve never had to feel that kind of grief, pain, shame and disappointment and then live with it. I will pray that you continue to live a life free from this kind of adversity. I will also pray that you manage to educate yourself enough to know that not everyone is happy with it and not everyone thinks and feels the same and thats okay 🩷

I lost a baby in January but that's irrelevant to how I feel.

What on earth are you on about?

You’re possibly expecting (even subconsciously) that, because your second child is the same sex as your first, it will be the “same” experience again or they’ll have the same personality. But once the baby arrives and starts to grow you’ll realise that this is a unique human with almost certainly a completely different way of seeing the world and completely different personality and skills and challenges compared to your first. And then you’ll soon forget ever caring about whether he was a boy or a girl.

Thank you for this 💙

Read.

Your feelings are valid OP ❤️

Boys really do look after their Mums. You'll have little guardians for life.

i understand. I wanted a girl but I fully expected to have a boy because plenty of boys in the family. When I heard it was a girl I felt happy but also a bit of grief about the boy that never was because I expected it to be a boy. I had a name for the boy. I do understand . I think once baby is here it will blow over. Best of
luck.

Why is it always boys people dont want? I wanted a boy after growing up with two sisters.

Thank you 💙 I also really don't want to be a crazy MIL hahaha. Me and my mum always used to say "mum's and their sons 🙄" and now that's me hahahaha

Can’t say I understand but I hope you figure it out

You misunderstood then.

i haven’t seen anyone on FWR saying anything like this. I fact the opposite, that gender stereotypes shoulder a lot of the blame for young children identifying as the opposite sex.

it is the same argument- except for basic biology gender is a social construct.

forcing stereotypes on children- the reasons for gender preference are nearly always based in the stereotypes. The reasons a little boy thinks he’s a girl are the same- boys don’t like ballet and nail varnish, therefore they are a girl…

I think so too xx

Two boys is an amazing combo. I absolutely love it. To the point where if we had a third I’d now be (irrationally) disappointed if it was a girl.

With the way people change genders nowadays, you might end up with a girl in the long run 😂

Sorry, I think you've misunderstood. It's not that I don't want a boy, I know I want this baby and I love this baby. It was just an initial preference that I'm still getting over.

i should mention that I’m not close to my parents. My brother is super close to my parents and I, a woman, am
not. In case that helps with the view that only girls are close to their parents. I think my situation is not so unusual.

Very true haha

I understand this could happen.

You only have to read mumsnet to see MILs being the worst person for "overstepping" daring to offer to wash up at her sons house, but also being flamed for expecting to be treated as a guest at her sons too. 🙄

You could go for sex selection next time, OP.