Gender disappointment

[katieelnewmum]

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

I felt the same as you, OP, when I found out I was having a second boy. From the day he was born I adored him. They are adults now and he is my best friend in all the world.

I think people get defensive when they hear this, especially if they have 2 boys themselves.

I have had two of my husbands friends say when they were having their second, their wives were so glad they’re having a girl after a boy, as they would have been gutted to have another boy. As I sit there, with two boys. It is offensive.

However, I also had some disappointment when I found out I was having another boy so I get it, but the tone deafness of others is quite shocking to hear.

@katieelnewmum I think what you are feeling is a significant issue in relation to finding out the sex before birth.

I had ds1 thirty years ago. Before he was born, I had ds 0, lost at 17 weeks, after he was born ds 0+ at 12 weeks. DS2 was diagnosed with congenital heart deformities at the 20 week scan, incompatible with life except if the pregnancy got to about 34 weeks, the lungs were well formed, he survived until 4 months and a heart and lung transplant became available. There was a miniscule chance, so we kept to our beliefs. He was born at 27 weeks and died a few hours later. I still visit his grave.

I thought we only did boys and desperately needed a boy to replace those I lost. Life was kind and I was pg again very quickly and hung on to the baby being a boy. We didn't find out the sex. The baby arrived in a cathartic labour, induced at 41 weeks. My only labour to reach term. I survived a very dark nine months looking forward to the birth of our son. Except it was a little girl. In an adrenaline filled moment and the exhilaration of birth, and the birth of a healthy baby, pink, fat and screaming, with an apgar score of 9+, I fell instantly in love with a girl I didn't for a second want or yearn for.

I really think you need some counselling and should speak with your maternity team or GP as a matter of urgency. I am also very sorry but I think you need a bloody good talking to.

Thank you so much, this is a lovely helpful comment. I just needed to know that the feeling will pass and I'm sure it will.

Also, give a girl a break everyone else, I'm an irrational, hormonal pregnant women, let me be crazy for a while!!! Haha

You still haven't quoted whoever wrote the comment you think is lovely and helpful!!!

Does you husband know how upset you are?

I had two boys, then a surprise girl, but I remember feeling the same knowing I’d never have a daughter. Life proved me wrong anyway, and I’ve no advice other than it’s totally normal to grieve what you hoped you might have one day. Some of the responses are horrible and mean and judgey.

I love this thank you 💙

I completely understand what you are saying because I was in this exact same position and felt the same. I’ll be honest and say I felt this way all the way up until nearly just before I gave birth. However once he was born all those feelings completely disappeared and I became obsessed with him. We have such a close bond now and I feel very fulfilled. My older child also actually likes to do the things with me I imagined I would do if I had a girl, like shopping, cinema, going for food etc. My boys are also best friends and so close so I love they have that bond together as brothers. I just want you to know it will turn out okay and it’s okay to feel those feelings. What helped me, if you are into social media and Instagram etc, is changing who I follow and started following other mums who have boys.

Thank you xx

This is really helpful, thank you 💙

It’s a shame you found out the sex before the baby was born as you probably would have been over the moon to be handed a newborn healthy boy and wouldn’t have had time to dwell on things. But you are allowed to be disappointed and your feelings are valid. I think you will have to allow yourself a bit of time to grieve the experience you were hoping for and then start to list the positives of having two boys and the wonderful relationship they might have, and how they could be best friends for life. But I completely sympathise and you are allowed to feel this way.

Why is it always boys? I don’t think I have seen a gender disappointment post about a girl.

He does yes. But I feel awful about it. I don't want to take away from his excitement about having two boys.

I felt just like you OP. I think gender disappointment is very common.
My two eldest sons are nothing like each other. That's the beauty, you don't have a boy or a girl when you have a baby - you have a unique human being.
You will love your second son. Please do talk to your midwife. Buy new baby clothes as others have suggested. Your new addition will be gorgeous 😍 ✨️

I'm an irrational, hormonal pregnant women, let me be crazy for a while!!! Haha

You keep saying things like this which is just more stereotyping. You just sound immature at this point tbh. You need to sort your shit out before you damage your children, that’s the bottom line. Instead you want to keep wittering on about being hormonal and crazy. 🙄 No. you’re pregnant and will soon be a parent of 2 children which you have chosen to have.

This is really helpful thank you 💙

Non judgemental here OP.
I think it is perfectly normal to feel this way. Of course you know that you're lucky to have a healthy baby / be pregnant etc but it doesn't stop you grieving something that you may never have.
I was the opposite to you - ended up with 2 girls and although I was very happy about the second one being a girl it did make me quite sad also at the thought that I'll never have a boy.

I have a few friends who have boys - and their relationship seems as lovely as mine is with my daughters. I have older friends with boys, or a mix of boy and girl and honestly their relationship with their mum is beautiful. I have 2 cousins who are a boy / girl sibling relationship and my boy cousin is far closer with his mum than my girl cousin. He lives around the corner from my Aunt in London and is always holidaying with her. His sister has moved away with her husband and doesn't have much to do with my Aunt.

You are allowed to grieve, and better to get all this emotion out now, rather than when baby arrives.

No one knows who you're responding to

I hope you god you get your sense of humour back soon Hun!

I actually understand you, op. It’s not shameful to want the experience of raising both a boy and a girl!

Who?

That's not true, nice or helpful really . There's always one ....

You have no fucking idea what being an irrational, hormonal, crazy woman feels like. You have to bury a child and be lucky enough to have another 51 weeks later to know what irrational and crazy feels like. There are parts of those 51 weeks that are a complete blank.

You are having a healthy baby. Be glad. Every pregnancy is approximately 50/50 boy or girl. You knew that.

I was nice and helpful but OP isn’t really engaging. Waste of time. Poor children.