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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Gender disappointment

225 replies

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:21

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

OP posts:
Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:32

wobblycake · 20/09/2025 20:32

Me too i dont know if your son is like mine. Oh the drama when theres a new flip flop out.
The breakups from a month long going to last forever relationship.
Nights of watching romantic bl movies to get over the last boyfriend.
Honestly its fabulous.
The swag the sassyness.
Love it.

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I absolutely love this haha!

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 20/09/2025 20:33

You know this is irrational, you’ve said so yourself. So why are you indulging it and pretending it’s ok to equate it to the grief of losing a child (which plenty of posters are saying it isn’t at all similar to, by the way). Bit disappointed, ok. Grief stricken - huh?

What sort of advice are you expecting any one to give you other than a) suck it up b) keep trying til you have a girl or c) adopt so you can guarantee the gender.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/09/2025 20:34

Didntask · 20/09/2025 20:31

I don't need an answer. I didn't find out the sex of my child before I gave birth. I didn't care what sex they were. Was there something I should have been aware of?

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I didn't either.

I had four children and I didn't know what sex any of them were going to be.

Neetra30 · 20/09/2025 20:34

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:56

Yes. I still want the baby. I still love the baby. I just feel grief for something I've lost.

You have not lost anything. Honestly this is insulting to those who have had miscarriages, still births and women who have had to have terminations for reasons out of their control

Enigma54 · 20/09/2025 20:34

Seek help OP. There will be many women who would just be grateful for good health to allow them to conceive and grow a baby.

Enigma54 · 20/09/2025 20:34

Neetra30 · 20/09/2025 20:34

You have not lost anything. Honestly this is insulting to those who have had miscarriages, still births and women who have had to have terminations for reasons out of their control

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This entirely.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:34

Ossoduro2 · 20/09/2025 20:00

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time on here. I totally understand how you feel. There is some kind of grief in what you won’t now have, rather than not wanting what you do have - in the sense that you know boys are awesome but to have another one means not having the experience of being the mother to a daughter.

i love being a mum of boys (i have four) and I now can’t imagine my life any other way but I definitely felt a sense of grief with my third and fourth boys and noticed everyone around me having daughters. I thought I’d never come to terms with it, but now honestly I don’t even vaguely care. My boys are just amazing (as will yours be). Also, as they’ve grown up I’ve realised how different they are from one another which I might have put down to gender differences had I had a mixture of boys and girls.

best of luck op, you’ll get there and you’ll love having two boys. Just feel these feelings now, but know they will pass soon enough.

This was really helpful thank you,💙

OP posts:
Didntask · 20/09/2025 20:36

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:32

Good for you mate.

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I feel sorry for your unborn.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:36

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/09/2025 20:10

With what?
You're still not quoting anyone.

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Im new to this. I didn't realise I wasn't quoting I'm sorry.

OP posts:
sellthebigissue · 20/09/2025 20:36

Gender disappointment is real. And dont let anyone invalidate your feelings. I fucking hate being pregnant. Hate it. I become terribly unwell, resentful of those that carry perfectly etc etc and I dont care what anyone says or thinks. Theres this stigma that we should be honoured to carry a healthy baby and we should enkoy it because not everyone can but no, fuck that stigma. Not everyone carries amazingly, not everyone enjoys it, not everyone is happy when they find out the sex and thats okay. Its okay to feel like that. Its okay to feel how you do. It doesn't make you a terrible mum. It doesn't mean you dont or wont love your baby. Take each day as it comes and try to find peace with it.
Its not easy but you will get there.
Talk, reach out, and reconnect with hubby, reconnect with baby, think about how your little boy will love his little brother. Hormones are the devil and they dont help these situations.

Edenmum2 · 20/09/2025 20:36

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 19:40

I think it's mainly because I have such a great relationship with my mum and I watch my son and my husband have this bond through similar likes and interests that I would just love to share.

I am massively aware that I could have this with a boy too and I'm also aware that even if I did have a girl they wouldn't necessarily be interested in what I am.

I also look at how close I am with my family and how most of the men in my life aren't as close with theirs, they don't really make an effort. AGAIN, I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm assuming what life will be like without knowing and the gender doesn't mean that they will be one way or another. I understand that completely and when the rational side of me reminds myself this I do start to feel better but when the irrational, hormonal, pregnant side of me comes out I just get so upset about feeling like I'm going to miss out on certain stereotypical girly things.

I have a 3 year old girl and she’s not ‘interested’ in the same things I am - I have to make an effort to be interested in the stuff SHE likes, and I genuinely do get excited about tractors and monster trucks and Spider-Man because I know she loves it. I’m sure that you will have this with your son. I get that gender disappointment is real but you need to try and shake it off because if it truly does affect your bond then that’s extremely unfair on the baby you chose to create.

I too have had multiple miscarriages, I’m trying to have empathy with you but honestly - knowing that you have had one too and still feel this way is pretty shocking.

ForUmberFinch · 20/09/2025 20:37

Rage baiting much?
An abhorrent attitude. This can’t possibly be a real poster. If you’ve lost a baby, you don’t care about gender. You just want a healthy baby. If the OP is actually telling the truth, she needs to see her midwife pdq for some sort of mental health support. Poor wee baby being born into this.

Mustbethat · 20/09/2025 20:37

Didntask · 20/09/2025 20:23

What is it that you think is different between having a girl or a boy?

Personally I think the main differences come with helping them navigate all the societal gender stereotype shit.

if we have to raise boys and girls differently it’s because we’re compensating for what the world is teaching them.

Enigma54 · 20/09/2025 20:38

Heal from the grief
Oh crikey, this is wrong. You don’t
“ grieve” because you’re you aren’t getting what you want. You celebrate that you are having a healthy child.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:38

Jellybean5001 · 20/09/2025 20:11

Hi, oh I completely sympathise and understand completely what you’re feeling. I have 3 boys and always pictured myself with 3 girls 😅
We didn’t find out the gender with any of them and I was never disappointed at the birth but a bit flat maybe and then few weeks/months after I got the sad feeling of not having a girl. I love my boys so much and obviously wouldn’t change them but would still absolutely love and girl (but definitely not having anymore) I also get the jealousy of others having girls and I still get daily pangs when I see families with girls. As others have said though your boys will be very different and once your little one is here I’m sure you will be filled with love.
I don’t think this helps much sorry, as i have no advice as i still feel so sad that i wont have a daughter. But just to say i hear you and get you completely, you’re not a horrible person and you’re just being honest with your feelings. If people don’t understand that then they can move on (its normally people with daughters 😆)

Thank you 💙💙

OP posts:
Thejugglestruggle · 20/09/2025 20:39

Mum of 2 boys here. I don't remember having as intense feelings as you describe but definitely a slight sting that I would never experience having a daughter.
Roll on several years later and I don't even think about it. My boys are so loving, affectionate and hilarious. For a number of reasons, things are "easier" practically having 2 of the same sex. But even without that, now my boys are here and are who they are personality wise, I wouldn't go back and change anything even if I could.

dontcomeatme · 20/09/2025 20:39

I've never experienced gender disappointment so I can't help, BUT, I find it fascinating that MN is a huge advocate for women only spaces, they won't accept that men can become female, they don't agree with transgenderism or preferred genders etc. I think the new ruling about women being women has been quoted a billions times already. They say that men and women are complete opposites and cannot swap etc. However, if you're upset about giving birth to a male they suddenly become "oh my god there's literally no difference you're stereotyping" 😐

I know they're not the same issue at all and I'm exaggerating, I just find it funny 😅

sellthebigissue · 20/09/2025 20:39

Neetra30 · 20/09/2025 20:34

You have not lost anything. Honestly this is insulting to those who have had miscarriages, still births and women who have had to have terminations for reasons out of their control

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What's insulting is your god damn ignorance. People shouldn't be silenced because someone miscarried or had a still birth. People shouldnt have to stay quiet out of fear. Sick of this bullshit. People scared to speak their truth because of people like you.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:39

Neetra30 · 20/09/2025 20:34

You have not lost anything. Honestly this is insulting to those who have had miscarriages, still births and women who have had to have terminations for reasons out of their control

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And you think I haven't had any of those? Well done for assuming and I'm telling you now, I'm well within my rights to feel this way and that's all you need to know!

OP posts:
Shmee1988 · 20/09/2025 20:40

katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:08

I love this baby. I know I do. I feel him kick and Im reminded of how lucky I am after having losses in the past. But yes, I'm disappointed.

I feel like I'm allowed to be irrational and hormonal at times though?? Haha

You are absolutely allowed to feel this way. I have wanted a little girl since I was a little girl myself. Of course, I have 2 boys. 2 boys that I love with all of my heart and id not change them now even if I could. However, there is still a pang. I wanted the mother daughter relationship. The nail appointments, the talks about boys. I know that when my kids have kids, I will be the parent in the waiting from rather than the one in the room. Ill never go dress shopping with my own daughter for her wedding day. I totally get where you're coming from. Rest assured though, one day, probably not too far from now, if a magic genie said you could go back and change this baby to a girl, you'd tell it to f#@% off. Keep your chin up.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:40

Flakey99 · 20/09/2025 20:24

I’ve got a gay teen son. Much better than having a stroppy teenage daughter IMO. 😂

I love this!

OP posts:
sellthebigissue · 20/09/2025 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
katieelnewmum · 20/09/2025 20:41

Shmee1988 · 20/09/2025 20:40

You are absolutely allowed to feel this way. I have wanted a little girl since I was a little girl myself. Of course, I have 2 boys. 2 boys that I love with all of my heart and id not change them now even if I could. However, there is still a pang. I wanted the mother daughter relationship. The nail appointments, the talks about boys. I know that when my kids have kids, I will be the parent in the waiting from rather than the one in the room. Ill never go dress shopping with my own daughter for her wedding day. I totally get where you're coming from. Rest assured though, one day, probably not too far from now, if a magic genie said you could go back and change this baby to a girl, you'd tell it to f#@% off. Keep your chin up.

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💙💙💙💙 this is amazing

OP posts:
searchinghere · 20/09/2025 20:41

These threads don’t (understandably) always go down well and I think there is a lot fatigue at this point with gender disappointment threads. They are increasingly common and I’ve noticed that in the past they were always about having a second boy and not getting ‘one of each’ whereas now there are frequently boy disappointment where OP already has a girl, which blows my mind.

sellthebigissue · 20/09/2025 20:41

Didntask · 20/09/2025 20:36

I feel sorry for your unborn.

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I feel sorry for you