Gender disappointment

[katieelnewmum]

I'm pregnant with my second child and I'm over the moon that it's healthy after having a miscarriage earlier on in the year. However, I've already got a 3 year old boy who I'm absolutely in love with. I've always dreamed about having a girl and really wanted a girl this time around but we found out we're having a boy.

I feel awful saying this but I'm really really struggling with this. I didn't realise how much I wanted a girl until I found out we were having another boy. I'm so sad about it all the time. I get jealous of friends that have girls but especially jealous of friends who have a boy and a girl. I feel resentment towards my husband because he really wanted two boys and he's got exactly what he wants. I don't feel excited or attached to this baby any more and I feel like I can't tell anyone because I know it sounds awful and ungrateful when there are so many people who would die for what I've got. I feel myself and my husband drifting apart but I can't help but feel so sad all the time about it. He knows I feel this way but will never understand. I've also completely taken away his excitement of having a second boy which I feel awful about too.

I also will not be having any more children and it kills me knowing I'll never experience having a girl.

What can I do to make myself heal from the grief of knowing I'll never have a little girl?

Actually, I've found that it's really normal. You just have to Google it. It's just there isn't many normal, open minded people on here. But I've been cheered up by 1 really nice comment and the other laughable comments have been great to read.

You haven’t lost anything. The girl didn’t exist?! And you’re saying the other posters are mad 😂 ok

You can’t help how you feel, but you really need to change your thought process on this. The biggest risk to you not being close to your sons in future is your thoughts around this. Be a loving mum, drop the expectation/stereotype that boys aren’t close to their mum and all will be well. Relationships with children are largely what you put in and how they’re brought up.

I have a boy and a girl. No stereotype thinking in our house and they are both close to us and each other. Their sex really doesn’t matter, they are our children and they’re wonderful, brought up in a house where nothing was expected of them based on their sex.

People don't understand until they've gone through it themselves.

Could you quote people when you're replying please.
Your thread will make sense then.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time on here. I totally understand how you feel. There is some kind of grief in what you won’t now have, rather than not wanting what you do have - in the sense that you know boys are awesome but to have another one means not having the experience of being the mother to a daughter.

i love being a mum of boys (i have four) and I now can’t imagine my life any other way but I definitely felt a sense of grief with my third and fourth boys and noticed everyone around me having daughters. I thought I’d never come to terms with it, but now honestly I don’t even vaguely care. My boys are just amazing (as will yours be). Also, as they’ve grown up I’ve realised how different they are from one another which I might have put down to gender differences had I had a mixture of boys and girls.

best of luck op, you’ll get there and you’ll love having two boys. Just feel these feelings now, but know they will pass soon enough.

This is actually helpful thank you.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, OP and even sorrier still that you’re not getting the support or advice you need here. It’s awful to feel like this and it isn’t your fault. Sometimes it’s the build-up of life’s expectations, and we have to grieve what we’d imagined, as you said. I would really advise speaking with a therapist if you can to help you manage those contradictory emotions and heal the grief. It’s a lot to carry, so please be super kind to yourself!

I would really recommend you get some therapy. You HAVE to find a way through this. It is too important for all of you.

She did to me.

I agree

Here are some facts to help you out. Your child will earn 26% more than he would if he was a girl. He is far less likely to be discriminated against based on his sex and far less likely to be sexually assaulted. He will never know period pain or menopause. His life will be easier for being a man in this world.

these are the facts that helped me through the same gender disappointment.

FFS it's about the person not what genetically they have. I have both genders and I'd say I was closer to my sons than my daughter. She is a different personality and has a very full life. The boys are very similar, also very busy but just come home more.

Discuss this, it's common, you hopefully will be okay but if this is your last pregnancy, don't waste it feeling like this. If you lost the pregnancy I'm sure you wouldn't care that he wasn't a girl. You'd just be sad you've lost him. Unless you think you'll try again a possibly get what you wanted this time.

Don't know why everyone is being so horrible. Sorry for what you're going through OP. It sounds really disappointing. I bet lots of mums feel the same. Hope you will feel differently when he arrives.

You do see how perverse it is to complain about people being closed minded and judgemental when your are sitting there saying that that you don't want a male child because it won't be a girl?

I am blessed to have two adopted children and three "adopted" grandchildren. I couldn't have biological children. I can certainly understand hoping for a girl. I cannot understand your attitude though, and I suggest you get help before you damage your child's life.

I think it can be normal OP, especially for women who hope to have a mother-daughter relationship similar to the one they have with their own mum. And it doesn't mean you will love the baby any less.

I would have been disappointed not to have a girl as I had literally never looked after a boy and felt almost lost at the prospect. My sister was 10 years younger than me and I was so involved in her life right from when she born and that was my 'normal' and what I felt more comfortable with at that time. It's not entirely rational but little in life is. So a different situation to you, but I read a lot about disappointment around that time and know it's very normal. There's a big difference between being disappointed not to have a daughter and being actively disappointed to have another boy.

I know I will. I love this baby, I know I do. I just feel disappointed and I know it's okay to feel that way.

Jesus I am pregnant and allowed to be hormonal and irrational am I not? Haha.

Oh and my mum and I don’t get on because I don’t live up to her “girl” expectations.

she wanted us to go shopping, nail appointment, beach holidays, get tans and talk about weight and diet.

she didn’t like that I preferred sport and holidays are “active”. She hates that I am not super slim and willowy (I have an ED, strangely enough).

so we never did much together, and she used to get angry that I was being a stroppy teenager who didn’t want these “treats”. Christmas I was always ungrateful because the handbag/make up/spa voucher/clothes would go in a drawer and never used.

so yeah. Funnily enough we aren’t “besties” because we are female and bond over girly shit.

I knew it would be a boy before I even read the post!

I love this baby. I know I do. I feel him kick and Im reminded of how lucky I am after having losses in the past. But yes, I'm disappointed.

I feel like I'm allowed to be irrational and hormonal at times though?? Haha

Lots of us will have dealt with parents who brought us up with stereotypes based on our sex and know how harmful that is though.

With what?
You're still not quoting anyone.

I am closer to my dad, with whom I watch football, than with my mum, with whom I have nothing in common

This is very common. I have 3 boys, now my youngest is 4 - I really don’t bat an eyelid. My friend with boys says that horrible rhyme about them leaving when they get a wife, & it honestly makes me sad for her. Like she’s writing them off before they have even grown because they’re boys! I don’t get it.
I have such an amazing bond with mine & I love watching them grow. Yes, a girl would have been lovely & I had horrible emotions that you are feeling. But honestly; it passes. I was utterly jealous of anyone who was having girls (why not me???) it was really ridiculous however I couldn’t HELP it. You can’t help it at the moment but try to rationalise, it helps I really don’t believe in gender stereotypes. My boys dance, sing, perform, play football or rugby or swim, go to scouts and camps. They perform shows and want me to watch, they sit quietly reading or colouring, they jump around and fight each other. They are a complete mixed bag and it’s not because of what’s between their legs!
You will bond with your baby & you will have a wonderful time watching him grow. Please don’t feel bad, just remember it will pass x

Hi, oh I completely sympathise and understand completely what you’re feeling. I have 3 boys and always pictured myself with 3 girls 😅
We didn’t find out the gender with any of them and I was never disappointed at the birth but a bit flat maybe and then few weeks/months after I got the sad feeling of not having a girl. I love my boys so much and obviously wouldn’t change them but would still absolutely love and girl (but definitely not having anymore) I also get the jealousy of others having girls and I still get daily pangs when I see families with girls. As others have said though your boys will be very different and once your little one is here I’m sure you will be filled with love.
I don’t think this helps much sorry, as i have no advice as i still feel so sad that i wont have a daughter. But just to say i hear you and get you completely, you’re not a horrible person and you’re just being honest with your feelings. If people don’t understand that then they can move on (its normally people with daughters 😆)