Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

[HereWeGoAgain38]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

She's just going into the most important four years of her schooling and you're deprioritising her. I'd feel the same. Studying with a screaming baby or a toddler around the place? Great.

Sorry, you want a baby, she doesn't have to be pleased and it was probably naive to expect that she would be.

she's always been the centre of my world that’s it, right there.

This is not at all unusual for her age. It's a very difficult age to begin with, and her whole world is about to change.

Be patient with her, I think a lot of teens would react the same.

“she's always been the centre of my world”

Except she just found out she is no longer going to be the only centre of your world- I think you need to give her time.

My eldest stepson had anxiety attacks when he found out I was pregnant but once his sister was here he became jelly and adores her now. It’s a big change for her take her out for a mum and you day reassure her she will always be everything and give her time.

I actually feel really sorry for your DD. In the space of 12 months she's gone from just living with you to living with a new man and now mum is having a baby.

14 is a really difficult time for kids. So much change and insecurity. I really feel for her.

What's her dad's setup? maybe she might be more settled there. You may have to let her go if that's really what she wants. A court would certainly listen to her wishes.

@HereWeGoAgain38
This may have come as a big shock to your DD.
As you said she has been the centre of your world for 14 years and now she won't be. Big change for her to take on board but so would relocating to her dad's - Knee jerk reaction to lash out and hurt you as she will be feeling hurt, change your life also in her eyes.
This will take some getting used to, there is plenty of time for you to talk though her options and make a plan. She needs to calm down and process it. Then you go from there.
Ignore pink fleece, some family's have several child all different ages and their children manage to study and do well in life.

She's not deprioritising her daughter , her love will be enough for 2 kids , it's a big change and lots of kids behave like this , my stepdaughter did the same when i had her half brother she was fine in no time with him.
You paint a bleak picture which i think is quite unfair when its more likely that things will work themselves out in time even though op is not feeling this at the moment.

I don't agree with how harsh PinkFleece is saying it but they do make a valid point.

The situation is unlikely to calm down once baby arrives. Noise disruption, stress. The DD isn't going to be able to get away from it. So if she's resentful now it may deepen as reality sets in.

I don't think saying she wants to live with her dad is necessarily a knee jerk reaction. She may just want space with peace and quiet. It might be the best way to salvage the relationship.

The worst thing you can do is dismiss her feelings as knee jerk. She's entitled to feel how she does.

Did she mind about your partner moving in ?

I think you just have to give her time and accept that this is going to be difficult for her. Mum is busy making a new family that she isn't really going to be part of, baby will be 4 when your dd is probably going to be leaving home. Your partner will have a child who is biologically his unlike her. It's looking like a cosy future for you guys that she probably feels she won't be a proper part of.

Time and reassurance are all that you can really do.

Yep.

Was the pregnancy planned OP?

Just trying to work out how you saw this situation going.

Ah bless her she must be feeling very unsettled and anxious about how it's going to be when the baby arrives.
Try to still spend time with her just the two of you, and talk to her about non baby stuff so she knows you still have time for her.
Lots of reassurance needed I think

My mother moved her new bloke in to my home when I was 13, it was excruciating. I felt extremely vulnerable and self conscious, and it was so awkward with the man trying to interact with me.

If my mother had had a kid with him too, I would have felt discarded, not part of their unit.

Not saying any of this is relevant to your child, but I get why she's not absolutely thrilled.

The OP was asking for helpful advice - not being made to feel even more guilty. What is she expected to do? Abort the baby to keep her daughter happy?

She's had a big shock.

She HAS been the centre of your world and now she feels that position is threatened and that you have betrayed her.

In a year she's had to adapt to your partner moving in (and sharing you with him) and now your attention (and love from her POV) is being diluted further.

I'm an only child and if my parents (never mind parent/step parent) had told me I was going to have a sibling at 14 I'd have found it hard to process.

This isn't a sibling she's going to be best friends with/hang out with. It's a cute baby that's going to demand all your and everyone else's attention. She's probably scared shitless that she will become second best.

Your joy at the prospect of a new baby is not something you can/should have assumed your DD would share.

You say a lot in your post about how it's affecting you and how you feel about the baby. Not much reflection on how the pregnancy might have impacted her. That's something you need to change.

You can't force her to talk to you but you can communicate with her.

Maybe write her a letter? BUT if you do, centre her feelings not yours.

Say you are sorry you didn't prepare her better for this news. Make clear that the bond you have isn't diminished by another child and how much you love her.

Be clear that you are happy to talk about this and how involved she wants to be in your pregnancy/siblinghood - she's old enough to be given a significant degree of self agency here.

Ask her what her fears are. Listen to them.

Don't assume all will be well when the baby is born. You need to address this now.

You have moved a bloke into her home and got pregnant by him all in 9 months and you expect your 14 year old to be jumping for joy ?

In the space of just over a year, she has had your new partner move in, and now a new baby sibling on the way. It’s probably a lot for her to process.

Have you been with your partner long? It must all seem to be moving fast for her if he is quite new in her life

Op, I think you need to start putting her needs further up your list.

Look at it with her eyes. Just as she becomes a teenager and needs more privacy, you move some random bloke in to her home, and now you're going to inflict a squalling baby and nappies etc on her. I can quite see why she is feeling rejected. How would you like it?

I'd sit her down and explain that you've listened to her concerns and will do your best to ensure the baby doesn't impact on her more than necessary.

Consider soundproofing her room, can she have a separate bathroom? Make sure she has plenty of opportunity for a break by going to her dad or other family members.

Give her time, try to include her but don't demand she coos over the new baby. She doesn't have to like your choices.

You can't make a situation better by not acknowledging uncomfortable truths. It's just sticking your head in the sand.

The delivery could have been better but PinkFleece does have a point.

Time to look at the situation from the DDs perspective and think what could make her feel happier and more secure.

Had this experience with my husband’s son, although when he was older. He found the news challenging and kind of withdrew throughout pregnancy and in the first couple of months after the baby was born. DH made extra effort to spend quality time with him, kept talking to him - including telling him he loved him and would always make time for him (and stuck to it), etc - after this initial reaction he is now a loving big brother to his little sister and his relationship with DH is better than ever.

It’s a huge change for your daughter, she needs time to process it - probably more than you think she does. She might feel angry, frustrated, anxious, betrayed even. Her world has turned upside down. I’d try to be as present with her as possible without trying to change how she feels. You might also need support (eg talking to someone) to make sure you have an outlet and can stay calm and supportive with your daughter. Give her lots of time, love and patience and she might surprise you

Your post is all about you though how her rejection is making you feel how your mental health is rock bottom and a sense of she is being stubborn and unreasonable and look how it is affecting me.

Which is just one side of it - there is nothing about her in it - how your partner movjng in when she was 13 would have made her feel and now she is having to potentially share you and her space even more with a baby and how it will impact her.

of course you are entitled to make the decision to have a baby and a partner but you also need to start seeing it from her perspective and how it will effect her

Did he live with you full time or did he go back to his mum's?

Probably not, but 'it'll be OK hun' isn't really MM style. She needs to understand that the daughter may never come round.....

Ii was none too thrilled when my mother had a baby with my stepfather when I was 15 either but I have always been exceptionally close with Dsis especially now she is an adult. This may change.