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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

211 replies

HereWeGoAgain38 · 16/09/2024 17:13

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 16/09/2024 17:53

Did you discuss having a baby with her before you decided to get pregnant?

DoYouReally · 16/09/2024 17:54

Almost every single only child teenage, reacts badly to a new addition.

It's always been just them, of course she'll feel sidelined. That's even the case with there being a step parent involved.

Her life has changed significantly:

  1. There's a strange man in her house
  2. She has less time alone with you because of him
  3. Now there's a baby on the way which means even less time again
  4. She also now realises it's serious, and she has less chance of getting the strange man out
  5. Even if she does, there's still a baby
  6. In her eyes, the baby is a noisy time steelers

What did you think would happen?

Nosleepforthismum · 16/09/2024 17:58

At 14 I’d be mortified to hear my mum was pregnant as it meant that she’d had sex and it’s something I’d mentally never try to visualise. It’s very childish but I can well imagine her horror.

On top of that, you’ve got pregnant pretty quickly after moving this new chap in and it’s a lot of change all at once especially as you’ve prioritised her completely for 13 years. She’s not had to share you before.

You need to think about what is best for her in this situation. It may actually be good for her to live with her dad (assuming he’s stable and is happy to have her) because the reality is that once the baby is there, it’s likely to be a lot of disrupted sleep and a bit chaotic which isn’t great for heading into her GCSE’s. I’d keep talking to her and just let her know that you’ll support her with any decision she makes.

RawBloomers · 16/09/2024 17:58

You’ve made some seismic changes to her life over the last year or so, just as she’s dealing with a lot of change and challenge herself and is probably craving stability. She needs time. She may come round. She may not.

You surely anticipated some of this. Did you talk to her about your partner moving in or your baby plans? Did she show any excitement about any of it that you could try and build on?

Also, is her dad suitable (i.e. would he happily and competently take her on) if she did move there? And are the schools any good? Because if she’s going to move she should probably do it ASAP so as to get in the beginning of GCSE courses. She’s at a really tricky time for this decision, will be much harder in a few months, but very rushed right now.

OnlyWhenILaugh · 16/09/2024 17:58

I think it would be more surprising if she hadn't reacted 'badly' to this news.

No fourteen year old wants to think about their parent's sex life, and a pregnancy is very public evidence of that sex life! Even if you were still with your dd's father, it wouldn't be unusual for a teen facing a baby in the family to have a strong reaction.

But your dd has had more than 'just a baby to take on board in the She's had to learn to share you with your fp and she's had to learn to share her home with him. That's a lot!

It sounds like you expected her to be on board with this pregnancy? Or even be pleased / excited. Had you talked about having a baby hypothetically? How much do you talk and listen to your dd? Have you perhaps mistaken her increasing independence as meaning she needs you less? Because teens need their parents massively. They're dealing with big things in their lives and I can imagine she might feel that you are turning away from her and she's just not ready for that at 14.

Give her space, time and opportunity to process. Don't "force" her into talking. And accept that when she says things like wanting to live with her Dad, she's telling you her feelings. She's saying she feels excluded by saying she wants to leave. I think you wanted to make her feel includd by telling her immediately, but your dd doesn't want to be included in your new life she's feeling lost and rejected from her old life.

OurChristmasMiracle · 16/09/2024 18:00

I think you really need to put yourself in your daughter’s shoes- how well did she know your partner before he moved in, was she part of the decision and felt listened to? Did you speak to get about how SHE felt about him moving in?

Is she going to have to share a room with her sibling? Have you asked her what worries her, how you can help her? Have you taken time out to spend with her and do things together just you and her- things perhaps you did more of before your partner moved in? If she feels pushed aside now by your partner she is preparing to get completely pushed out when baby is born

Greytulips · 16/09/2024 18:05

I’m surprised at the responses we asked our mother for a little sister - we were 17/16/13 at the time she was born!

couldn’t have been happier but we always made room in our lives for new people and new experiences.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 16/09/2024 18:06

pinkfleece · 16/09/2024 17:15

She's just going into the most important four years of her schooling and you're deprioritising her. I'd feel the same. Studying with a screaming baby or a toddler around the place? Great.

Sorry, you want a baby, she doesn't have to be pleased and it was probably naive to expect that she would be.

This answer sums it up perfectly.

LittleSeasideCottage · 16/09/2024 18:10

Greytulips · 16/09/2024 18:05

I’m surprised at the responses we asked our mother for a little sister - we were 17/16/13 at the time she was born!

couldn’t have been happier but we always made room in our lives for new people and new experiences.

Your situation is completely different to the one in hand, so not comparable.

Also a bit strange to ask a parent for a sibling when you already had two of them! like asking for a new puppy to play with, strange dynamic.

The daughter is perfectly entitled to feel how she does. She doesn't have to be happy. It's what they do to go forward from here that matters.

MelainesLaugh · 16/09/2024 18:13

My ex husband wouldn’t have children with me for the reason he didn’t want to put his children through that. At the time I struggled, but then they would have too. It’s embarrassing for your DD and studying when being kept awake it’s no wonder she wants her Dad.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/09/2024 18:13

pinkfleece · 16/09/2024 17:15

She's just going into the most important four years of her schooling and you're deprioritising her. I'd feel the same. Studying with a screaming baby or a toddler around the place? Great.

Sorry, you want a baby, she doesn't have to be pleased and it was probably naive to expect that she would be.

Seriously? Sometimes the things I read on mumsnet 😂

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 16/09/2024 18:21

You've just tipped her world upside down. It was tough as it was no doubt bringing a man into her life but at least more grown up things could be done. I look at the life I share (single parent) with DD11. We have shopping days, impromptu cinema trips, early nights in bed with hot choc watching a film, sometimes just getting up and going a walk with a picnic packed and things like theme parks and girls weekends away. All of that would stop or be seriously curtailed with a baby. And it's not like she's visiting her dad every other weekend. She's totally reliant on the household you provide. And for yourself you've prioritised a man and now a baby. I can see why she feels utterly pushed out. It's your own doing.

Does the talk of moving in with her dad have merit. Would he consider that?

Gcsunnyside23 · 16/09/2024 18:27

Give it time op. You've had some pretty harsh posts here. My daughters friend is going through the same, I asked her what was her friend's main issue and she said she thinks shes being pushed out and replaced. I think you should double down on the love and one on one time, she needs reassurance and time to process it all. I would delay any rash moves to her dad's, it's a knee jerk response but in my opinion if you let her go without a good fight she will think you're happy for her to go so you can have a new family. You need to fight for her.

GoldenNuggets08 · 16/09/2024 18:28

My friend's mother had a baby when she was that age, possibly slightly younger. I remember her being absolutely mortified that her parents were having sex! And some people in school did slag her about that! Add on top of that, your daughter has had you entirely to herself for 13 years, has shared you and her house with another man for a year and is now going to have to share you even more with a baby. That is a HUGE change for her.

I wouldn't be pushing her or forcing her to talk. Could you maybe do some mother - daughter dates? Get your nails done or something? Just to show her you are still hers.

LittleSeasideCottage · 16/09/2024 18:34

Gcsunnyside23 · 16/09/2024 18:27

Give it time op. You've had some pretty harsh posts here. My daughters friend is going through the same, I asked her what was her friend's main issue and she said she thinks shes being pushed out and replaced. I think you should double down on the love and one on one time, she needs reassurance and time to process it all. I would delay any rash moves to her dad's, it's a knee jerk response but in my opinion if you let her go without a good fight she will think you're happy for her to go so you can have a new family. You need to fight for her.

That's a bit dismissive though.

Basically minimise her feelings as a knee jerk reaction. That could be just as damaging to the relationship.

The reality is her home life will never go back to what it was, she will be facing years of disrupted sleep in a situation she already resents. It may not be the best environment for her to be in.

It might just be in her best interests to listen to why she wants to go to her dad's and start from there. It's a bit late to start fighting for her when the goal posts have changed. Better to think about what's best for her.

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 16/09/2024 18:38

A friend of mine was in the same situation. New partner, within a few years she wanted a baby. Her DD was 14, and furious. Screaming, she didn't want a baby sibling, her mum was running her life, you know what teenagers are like. She came around before he was born, and she has been an excellent sister. She is 18 now, and she loves her little brother and has enjoyed the chance to earn a little extra money in a flexible way at home by babysitting.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/09/2024 18:38

My dm had a baby when l was 15. I had other siblings in between. I was totally shocked old people their age would have sex..37!!
I was mortified telling my friends in school. I hated every minute of it. Then baby arrived and we all adored her. We are both adults now with our own child and the best of friends.
Don't overdo the baby talk.
Don't keep selling it to her as exciting or great news. Be more matter of fact. Talk to her dad if that is possible so he can ..hopefully..be positive and doesn't add flames to the fire.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/09/2024 18:41

Poor girl. Did you honestly think this news was going to go down well? Hopefully she will come round in time op, but she has had to go through a lot of change in a short time, and shes 14 which is a pretty shitty age anyway.

autienotnaughty · 16/09/2024 18:44

It feels like this was a shock for her. He's only been living with you a year. Was it planned? Was she aware it was a possibility?

I met dh when my dds were 5 and 8. He moved in a few years later and we spoke with dds a few times about getting married later down the line and having a baby. So when I got pregnant 4 years later it wasn't a massive shock as it had been discussed a few times. Ditto when we got married two years later.

Obviously you can't change anything now. I'd just be patient give her space and hope she is more excited once she meets her sibling

Viviennemary · 16/09/2024 18:45

Not surprised.This isn't really a good idea at all. Still it's done now and you will just need to handle the situation as best you can.

Summerishere123 · 16/09/2024 18:55

What mum thinks will happen - have baby, teenage daughter in love and wants to help out and have cuddles. One big happy family.

What teenage daughter thinks - she is being replaced by something cuter that will take up mums attention and highlights to all teenage friends that mum is having sex with new BF.

The reality is somewhere in the middle but she isn't going to accept it or stop worrying in just a matter of weeks.

Comedycook · 16/09/2024 18:57

HoppityBun · 16/09/2024 17:17

she's always been the centre of my world that’s it, right there.

Exactly this.

She also now knows you have sex and she's grossed out

socks1107 · 16/09/2024 18:58

I really feel for her. She's been the centre of everything now you're living with someone and pregnant all on top of looming exam years.
My ex did something similar and there were 4 children involved from both sides at different stages of being a teenager and it caused friction for a long time.

It's done now, I would make sure you really talk with her and explain how you will manage a toddler and support her through gcse years. And if she chooses to go to her dads accept her decision as the best one for her

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 16/09/2024 19:01

Tiswa · 16/09/2024 17:49

Your post is all about you though how her rejection is making you feel how your mental health is rock bottom and a sense of she is being stubborn and unreasonable and look how it is affecting me.

Which is just one side of it - there is nothing about her in it - how your partner movjng in when she was 13 would have made her feel and now she is having to potentially share you and her space even more with a baby and how it will impact her.

of course you are entitled to make the decision to have a baby and a partner but you also need to start seeing it from her perspective and how it will effect her

I thought this, too. And at the end of the day OP is an adult who has made choices and DD is a child who has had no choice in any of this. Sorry OP but your feelings are not the priority in this situation. You need to re-centre your daughter.

Woofwoofwoofgoesthewolfhound · 16/09/2024 19:03

I am looking at my 14 year old DD and the idea of moving a strange man (because to her, any adult male to whom she is not related is absolutely a strange man) into her home honestly absolutely blows my mind. Let alone adding a new baby to the mix.