Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

[HereWeGoAgain38]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

1st paragraph nails it!

Was this pregnancy planned? If so, it would have been better to have a conversation with your daughter about the possibility. This has come as a huge shock to her, you really need to be asking her what is worrying her about it.

'forcing her to talk' is not great OP.

You talk a lot about how much it's affecting you but it'll be affecting her a LOT more. She has a LOT less control than you. Youve made this choice and she is struggling with it, just be there for her.

🤣🤣 Love this 🤣🤣

I suspect she doesn't much like your new partner and already resents having him as a permanent fixture in her home. She's probably been hoping he'd move out eventually, so news of a baby is a blow for her. It means he's probably there for good.

She's going to feel like the odd one out in the family, that the three of you are a unit and she's alone.

This really cannot have come as a surprise to you surely?

Wow... so for all that time, as far as she is concerned, it's been you and her..

And right now, when she's at her probably most hormonal, most insecure, most shit going on she doesn't really fully know how to handle, when she doesn't quite grasp how she fits into the world or where she stands wtih a lot of people around her...

You tell her loud and clear...

I have a new partner - you are not enough for me.

We, new partner and I, not you, are having a new baby. You are not enough for me.

As far as she is concerned, your actions speak volumes, what you have DONE here is what is meaningful, so whatever it is you say right now, its all just fluff, its meaningless, its trying to sweeten the pill but it isn't true. If it were, you'd not be starting a new family, one to whom she is superfluous at best and frankly an unwanted pain in the arse and in the way at worst.

This is monumentally shitty timing on your part, if you could have hung on for another two or three years it would have been signifcantly better.

Talk to her, but listen, don't talk AT her.

Reassure her, but don't tell her lies, for example, you can't tell her she's your priority, she isn't and she won't be. You can't tell her she always comes first... she won't.

She's 14, she is immature, insecure, inexperienced, but not stupid.

Actions speak louder than words... show her you are making time just for her, don't just tell her that you will. Actually do it and if she wants to sit and ignore you, thats up to her.

If she does want to investigate living with her father and that is seriously an option, allow her to explore that. Yes, there is a chance she will bog off, not speak to you, decide for herself that you didn't want her - but the other option is that you refuse to allow this AND she ends up feeling like she's had an enforced shitty time as the relegated older half sister. Neither is good!

Completely second this and everything @DownThePubWithStevieNicks has said.. I’ve had to skim the vile and ignorant comments on here, I’m in a similar situation and cannot believe some of the comments on here.

Your daughter hopefully just needs time, I knew my DC wouldn’t take it well and they didn’t. I’m just taking it slow with the topic and providing what reassurance I can when I get the opportunity.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and whilst most of us set out to have to be happily married with the perfect 2.4 children life doesn’t always work out the way we plan. Going on to love again and have more children doesn’t make you the selfish mother that some of these posters and jumping to.

My DC is naive to the trauma and damage my ex husband caused to our picture perfect family and in an ideal world we would have gone on to give her a sibling in quick succession and stayed together. Just because that didn’t happen I’m not going to be a martyr and live a life without love the family I hoped to have. I’d rather model being resilient and building our family, broken, blended whatever the label is and while it’s not picture perfect there’s more than enough love to go around.

Good luck OP and I hope you’re OK, some of these comments are cruel and incredibly hurtful.

I would have been beyond mortified at 14 if my mum said she was having a baby. A new man and a new baby, I think it's very normal that she is feeling how she feels about the situation.

She's only 14, OP. Teenagers struggle with their emotions and they're working out who they are - now she suddenly has to adapt to a new baby and no longer being your only child.

Keep reassuring how important she is to you and that this won't change when the new baby arrives. She needs to know that her Mum will still be there for her.
On a happier note, my cousins became older brothers when they were 12 and 14 and ended up having a great relationship with their little sister. I'm not sure how they felt about their Mum's pregnancy at first (also with a new partner), but it worked out in the end.

The vitriol is unwarranted but OP is asking why her daughter is behaving as she is and that's the answer.

She WILL be very embarrassed that her mum is having sex. She WILL be embarrassed telling her friends and could get teased.

She WILL have her revision and schoolwork etc disrupted. I did.

She WILL be mad about the changes to her life. She didn't pick it. She's 14. Chances are she will be 15 or almost 15 when baby arrives. What about when she wants friends over in the evening but its babies bed time? When she wants to go out for a meal for her 16th but mums attention is entirely taken by her 12 month old and she has to have it early because of the 12 month old bedtime? I assume by the fact she's already 14 she is year 10. What if she wants mum to go prom dress shopping with her next year but baby is probably going to be about 6 month old? When she wants an 18th birthday party but her mum has a 2/3yo to contend with as well? When she wants a fun mum/daughter trip for uni supplies but instead has a toddler in tow?

OP has thrown a bomb into all this girl knows and was expecting. She's changed the game. Is she entitled to do it? Absolutely. But all actions have consequences and her daughters reaction is just that, and she needs to understand her daughters reaction is really normal.

She is 14. She has been the only child. She is entirely threatened by this new child, understandably. However, you have a life, you must not feel guilty about this, and when then baby is here, however long it takes her, she will I am sure accept her or him and grow to love her sibling. I would focus on how you have always wanted a sibling for her and how she will always be the centre of your world, but just as she has enough love for you and her father, so you have enough love for her and her sibling. She is terrified that she will be edged out and feels utterly betrayed. These are natural feelings, and you need to just not take it personally actually, not take it to heart, understand that at her age and after what she's had to process, this is and probably has been her worst fear. That she will be replaced and cease to be loved so much by you, in the same way her dad has (in her eyes probably) been replaced. It is a shock that love can come and go between parents, so she needs reassuring that this is not the case with kids!! Keep reinforcing to her, gently and whenever it seems a good moment, that kids are for life and don't get replaced! And when the baby is here, you should try to get her straight on board and involved as much as possible, whilst not pressurising her. She will come to this herself. She just needs to know this won't destroy her world. She is, unfortunately, at a tricky age, and I think girls are more vocal and judgemental and difficult than boys at this age. So I'm sorry as you must feel very hurt, but she isn't in danger of losing you, and you need to reassure her about that, very much.

My mum was 14 when her mum had a baby. She was absolutely mortified & according to her older brother made it v plain. However once the baby came mum doted on him.
Mum is now 96. The baby is 82.

Omg all of this!!

Whilst my situation is different to the OP’s, my 10 year old DD is desperate for a little brother or sister. My DH has been in my daughter’s life since she was 3, her biological father has never been involved in her life. Last year we decided to actively try (unfortunately have suffered a molar pregnancy and a miscarriage in that time) but if she gets to the age of 14 and we haven’t yet been successful, am I to just stop trying? My DD’s biological father caused me years of PTSD from mentally abusing me which is why it has taken me so long to come round to the idea of having another child, I made a poor decision to stay with my ex for as long as I did and I still blame my decisions that have resulted in her not having that “perfect family” life. She is adored by and equally adores my husband, but it could have turned out differently.

My point is - We do not know each other on this platform! We don’t know each others back stories, struggles, family situations etc. Too many people have sat on their high horse on this post and it has been a complete witch-hunt.

Shame on all of you who have posted vile comments tonight should god forbid anything happen to the OP.

she's always been the centre of my world
You may want to take sometime and rethink this.

have found time to find a new partner
You have moved in with him
You are now have a child with him.

She may have been the centre of your world once but you have moved on.
where as she has seen her position as the centre of your world and been moved third.

Your post is all about how you feel, take some time to think about how she feels.

My mum moved her boyfriend (now husband) in when I was 16. He was a nice guy and I was pleased my mum was happy, but from that moment my house didn’t feel like my home any more. I couldn’t just go down to breakfast in a t-shirt and a pair of pants. Couldn’t climb into my mums bed on a Sunday morning for a chat. Had to be super careful to lock the bathroom door and not walk around in a towel. All things I’d never had to think about when it was just the 2 of us.

I couldn’t wait to get to uni and I never went back overnight again. It would have been so much worse had she got pregnant too.

Cool. Helpful.

So you (and the person who wrote the 'hilarious' post you quoted) don't think that there might be a whole lot of grey area between complete chastity for decades, and inflicting a stepfather and a sibling on your teenager within a year?

I think sending her to live with her Dad is a bad idea, she's a teenager, and even though she's suggested it, she'll very like see it as you getting rid of her so you can play happy families with your partner and new baby, so it would be damaging for her.

I don't think the age gap is a huge problem - I have cousins with a 13 year age gap and they are incredibly close, older cousin blossomed into a great big brother - the age gap is wide enough that there won't be sibling rivalry.

I suggest love bombing your daughter, even tell her you'll always love her best as she's your first child, let her know she's your absolute priority, don't chat about the baby to her, and see how it goes when the baby arrives - don't make her responsible for nappy changing or the drudge work, but let her know that you trust her with the baby, and I'm sure their relationship will grow.

I can't imagine a worse age than 13 to move a random man into your daughter's home. The only surprising thing about this situation is that you're surprised by her reaction to you being pregnant.

I'm prochoice but this is crazy to suggest. Ffs it's a baby, a baby joining a family is an everyday occurrence around the world. She's had a bad reaction to it all and will probably be fine in a few months or after it's born when she's used to it (and no I'm not minimising her feelings). On the scale or shit that can happen to a kid I would say this isn't the worst by far and you all need to calm down.
Your reaction of aborting, a much wanted baby, just so the teen doesn't have to deal with the unrest is mental.
The responses on this thread is mental

Our 9 year old was not happy when her baby brother arrived. Pretty much ignored him and got on with her life for several years.

All changed with young teenage hood (her) when he started attending nursery at her school and her friends all loved him. She decided he was pretty great after all and now adults, they adore each other.

Give her time.

I'm wondering what would happen if the father got a new girlfriend and they had a baby. Would the reaction be similar and would the responses here be similar?

No it would probably be accepted without question both by the DD and people on here. Maybe the odd grumble about being selfish and starting a new family but pretty sure nobody would be talking about aborting the baby so that the teen DD wouldn’t have to deal with it.

im also wide eyed at the people who seem to think that the OP and her DD have only known the OP’s DP for a year. They seem to actually think he was a stranger who the OP immediately moved in.

And those who said that if a mother’s partner moves in you can’t lounge around in your pants anymore etc. Well normally if you have a brother or a dad living with you, you wouldn’t do that either once you hit puberty. It’s not exactly a human rights violation.

These boards are full of posters whose ex’s have pro created with the first available woman, and the impact thats had on the kids, and the posters who feel the sc should be spending time with their mother so the new family can bond.
My ex’s partner fell pregnant about five minutes into their relationship and dc were gutted because they felt replaced. And they absolutely were. It came back to bite them though when a couple of years later they asked dc to babysit and dc said no.

DC see very little of their half sibling but they do make an effort when they do. But from what eXH and ILs have said his partner’s dd absolutely despises her sibling to the point they can’t even be in the same room.