Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

[HereWeGoAgain38]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

Hi OP, I just wanted to say congratulations on your pregnancy, first of all.

The other thing I wanted to say is that you can ignore 98% of the responses you’ve got on this thread. I honesty think most PPs want to stick the boot in just because they want to feel superior. Perhaps they are a bit inadequate themselves.

I hope there is someone you can speak to IRL about this (sibling, friend etc). Hope your DD feels better soon and comes round to the idea of being a big sister (I’d bet the farm she does when she sees her little brother or sister for the first time and he or she is all squished and rosy 🙂). Enjoy your pregnancy too, such a special time.

My mum got pregnant when I was your daughters age. Honestly, it was utterly mortifying. I was so, so embarrassed. Maybe she feels the same.

How did she react to your partner moving in@HereWeGoAgain38 ?

I think it was naive of you not to anticipate this kind of reaction.

Will her dad be happy for her to move in with him? If so, it’s best she does that, and you give each other space. Eventually you will have a more adult relationship. For now, you have little choice but to let her go.

Your daughter, like all teenagers, is selfish and immature.

So this girl's reaction is completely normal and developmentally-appropriate for her age?

I rest my case.

STOP EXPECTING TEENS TO ACT LIKE ADULTS. It's not reasonable.

Even without the blended family issue, a 14 year age gap is going to be hard. Your family is going from one that is largely adult oriented back to infancy.

your dd gets the added feelings about being replaced with your 2nd attempt at a family.

You need to reassure her. Her teen years still need to be a priority and she needs to hear it explicitly from you that has not changed. She needs to know you have a plan to make it all happen.

I was in a similar position to your daughter and honestly, I feel so sorry for her. Just on the cusp of growing up yet needing a parent more than ever in some sense for that final push into adulthood, and she’s been sidelined for a new fancy piece and a replacement baby (in her mind). Honestly if I had the option of moving out at the time I’d had sprinted out of the house. However it’s a catch 22 situation - letting her move in with her dad would just confirm her negative thoughts, but making her stay is risking her becoming more resentful over the next couple of years.

Oh really, what drama. I had a big gap (13 years) at one point and nobody complained of being 'deprioritised'. Just give her time and space, and reassure her of your love and attention. Don't talk about the baby TOO much.

Note to all mumsnetters: if you ever find yourself widowed, or left, or chucking out your useless DH, be sure to apply your chastity belt as soon as possible, and once your DC has reached maturity (somewhere between age 38-52), get to the nunnery lest you be tempted with even the thought of your own life.

A friend of mine got a new sister at the same age, it was awful having a screaming baby in the house. She did in fact live with her dad in the end.

A lot of harsh reactions on here. If course you should be able to have another baby without feeling like shit. I would say this is more about your partner. When your Mum's partner moves in you have to suddenly have a strange guy around and you have to share your Mum.
I would carve out some time with just her and you, and make plans for her, you, and the baby to do stuff. People saying about all the noise and stress are being Downers. What about all the love, cuteness, joy, and funny things this little baby will bring? Congrats.

Great post.

You say a lot in your post about how it's affecting you and how you feel about the baby. Not much reflection on how the pregnancy might have impacted her. That's something you need to change.

This says it all really. I would also work on fostering your own resilience as much as possible (you'll need it with a teen and toddler to contend with!).

Well, you deciding to have a baby and build a new family unit that she won't ever feel a part of was all about you, and didn't place any thought on her at all. I'd be fuming! Can't see why anyone wants a baby when they already had one 14 years ago! You barely know this guy and yet you're expecting her to just fit in with your new happy family plan.

How on earth do you know she ‘barely knows this guy’? Maybe OP did meet him at the bus stop and move him in the next day, but do you think it’s perhaps more likely that they have been in a relationship for several years, and that her DD was introduced well before he moved in?

Why would you have expected her to be happy? You chose to do this

My sister was in the same position as your daughter when my mum had me with her new husband, my dad.

The only difference was that her father wasn't in her life.

She wasn't very happy about any of it. At that time she didn't get on with my dad.

On another note, my mum and dad let my sister choose my middle name. Bit of a risk but it turned out a nice gesture and my sister felt included.

Anyway,30 odd years on and we are all very close, in our own way - not a huggy kissy family but still . I have nothing in common with my sister but we love each other in our own fashion. I'm grateful that we will have each other as our parents age. So it's all turned out very well, despite many hiccups like you're going through now.

i can still remember the ay my parents tol me they were having another baby-i told them i they ruine my life

i sympathise with her it must be so much to take in

give her time

I don't think I was being dismissive or minimising what the daughter is going through emotionally with it. What I was saying is she's probably feeling pushed out and acting out so prove to her she's not dropped as a priority. Yes things will change but that's life, and yes her daughter is having a knee jerk reaction. Loads has changed but the typical teen response is to run off or act out but her mum needs to show her change doesn't have to be bad. And also why the dramatics 'facing tears of disturbed sleep' with this reasoning noone would ever have siblings.

She's had an awful lot of change in the last 12 months OP, you've moved your partner in and you're now pregnant. Did she have a voice in any part of this?

You seem to be moving on very quickly, and she may feel that she's being pushed out by this man and now his baby.... would it be sensible to let her stay with her Dad for a while and let the dust settle?

I did leave a somewhat useless ex. One thing I promised myself was that I’d not do what the op and my own mother did. I’m no nun but I keep my (rare) adult life completely separate from my parental life. Might be a bit shit and unfair, may well be over compensating, but from lived experience it’s simply not fair to do a ‘restart’ when the children you have are just flexing their wings. They both need you and they’re testing not needing you, making you always having to be ready to catch if needed.

So within a year a boyfriend moves in and now there's going to be a baby. It's a massive change for a teenager, especially one who has been an only child up until now.

I think people forgot how "big' the world is to an adult. We have choices, control and life experience. A 14 year old has next to none of that, their world is very small and hers has been turned upside down in the last year it seems.

She is going to feel what she is going to feel. I would give her space

Why would you become pregnant when your daughter is about to do her GCSE's? You will then have a tantrumming toddler when she is doing A-Levels! She is probably feeling anxious about her exam results being ruined by a screaming baby due to lack of sleep! Did you think of her when you planned a baby?

All of this! MN is fucking mental sometimes, who would tell their child that they are going to start trying for a baby?!

Op she's 14 and probably mortified that she has to tell her mates you're pregnant but that's not your fault, you are entitled to have a life as well.

My stepdaughter was the same, she was 14 when her little brother was born and she walked in from school, got changed and went straight to her mates without acknowledging any of us! Couple of weeks and she was telling me to go have a nap while she watched him, we then had another when she was 19!

It will be ok but it will take time, don't make everything about the baby and just take it slow.

You say you feel as though she is rejecting you, but surely you can see that she sees this as you (and your partner) rejecting her? However much that isn't true it's understandable that she feels this way. Ultimately, if you don't think she'll come round then, however difficult it will be for you, you have to be open to the idea of her going to her dad's and supporting that decision if that's what she wants.

She’s gone from the centre of your world to being replaced…not on purpose but surely you remember as a teenager brains don’t work in any sensible fashion.

I’ve got adult children I am very pro-choice and I can’t believe what you are posting.

OP I think some of the advice to just keep it light and factual and try and spend some quality time with your daughter without the drama is going to be the best way forward. Ignore some of the Wassocks on here