Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

[HereWeGoAgain38]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

Did your mum get pregnant 9 months after moving a new partner in when it had just been the two of you for most of your life?

It's really no wonder CAMHS is so overwhelmed.

It was probably more like 18 months, but otherwise yes.

It’s a huge problem if kids need mental health treatment for normal ups and downs of life, like having a sibling.

I’ve had several terrible things happen in my childhood and adult life. Having a sibling is not one of them.

People really need to get a grip.

As I said, when I had matured a bit, I was happy that my dad had remarried and had another daughter. When I went off to uni, left home etc I knew that he was in a happy relationship. Not alone at home with no one to love.

Yeah, that explains a lot.

What does it explain? Why I’ve got some perspective and resilience?

I haven’t made any assumptions. It’s perfectly possible to get along with your mother’s boyfriend and not want him living in your house. One would imagine that Mners would find this comprehensible, given how many posters struggle socially, don’t have visitors, regard overnight visitors with horror, and think of home as their ‘safe space’. Think of someone you like and get along with. Does this mean you want them to come snd live in your house?

I agree with you that @HereWeGoAgain38 will have more than enough love for both her dd and the new baby, @tsmainsqueeze - but I can also understand why her dd might feel that she will no longer be her mum's priority.

As previous posters have said, a new baby in the house means a lot of disruption, during the next, very important years of the dd's education. And a baby or toddler will definitely take up a lot of her mum's focus and attention - it is going to be a massive change for the whole household, and the dd is not unreasonable to be struggling with this.

I think that children need to be included (in an age appropriate way, of course) in discussions about major changes in their family life. When we were considering moving from Essex to Scotland, because dh had a really good job offer, we talked to the boys about it (they were 11, 13 and 15 at the time), and made sure that they were comfortable with the proposed move. We talked about the things that mattered most to them, so we could ensure that, if we did move, they would be happy - for example, ds2 was really into cricket at the time, so we promised we would make sure there was a local cricket club.

I honestly believe that this smoothed the move for them - and they felt they were part of the whole process.

I wonder if @HereWeGoAgain38 discussed the possibility of another child with her dd before it happened. I am not saying that she should have given her dd a veto on the possibility of another child, but maybe if her mum had talked through the whole thing with her beforehand, and she had had the chance to express her anxieties, so her mum could address them, it might have made things easier on the dd (apologies if you did do this, @HereWeGoAgain38, or if it was an unplanned pregnancy so you didn't have the opportunity to discuss things in advance).

I see that other posters have suggested you spend some one-on-one time with your dd, to talk it all through, and listen to her worries, so you can make sure you address them properly, and I think that is a good idea.

But the OP’s daughter has been living with the new partner for the last year with no ill effects until the pregnancy was announced.

That's fine, and good for you, but I think trying to blame people's reactions in this thread on sexism against women is incorrect.

Eh? People honestly discuss their plans to conceive with their children?

I suspect that DD would hit the roof just as hard if she was living with her dad and he pulled a stunt like that.

I know that I was a bag of nerves when my dad started dating someone.

Statistically, step-fathers are a bigger molestation risk to girls than fathers are. The girl is not unreasonable in being wary.

Bluntly, I find it very hard to have sympathy for the adult with full agency who could and should have thought this through before turning her child's life upside-down.

. I think the responses would be a lot different if the dad was the same as DD's (when they'd probably be supportive and more critical of DD - not saying that's fair either).

When you consider how the Relationships board is full of women furious that their stbx-husbands have decided to go play happy families with an OW and all those women get unanimous support, I really fucking doubt that a father would get more support than OP. I'm shocked to find myself saying "stop looking for misogyny that isn't there", but in this instance, there isn't misogyny towards the OP.

It's concerning how so many teenagers are written off as just being selfish or spoilt when they're trying, albeit very clumsily, to express their distress.

It's more than "concerning". When a child is expected to act like an adult when they aren't one yet, it's called "adultification" and it's recognised as a form of child abuse. When the child is expected to accommodate her mum's whim for a baby uncomplainingly and the mother isn't expected to make any accommodation for the child, that is textbook adultification.

We support teens with these big feelings. We don't treat the teen like they are the problem.

I masked like crazy and seemed fine with everything, until I couldn't mask any more, then I attempted suicide. Don't assume that DD is fine, she may have been hanging in there hoping that her mum and the new piece might break up and the baby has dashed that hope.

I meant if the OP was having a second child with the same DH I don't think people would be so negative about the age gap and would more be saying DD will get used to it. In reality we wouldn't know how stable that relationship is either (I know a few seemingly solid couples who split after a second child much at a surprise to others).

In reality we don't know how long the OP has been with her current partner for, if he's the love of her life and a great person or not. There's not enough information to criticise so heavily in my opinion.

In reality we don't know how long the OP has been with her current partner for, if he's the love of her life and a great person or not. There's not enough information to criticise so heavily in my opinion.

Given that she plopped her one and only post on the thread 8 pages back it’s probably safe to assume she might be on a wind up mission …

I disagree. I'm pregnant, same baby daddy, and the first question everyone asks is how is my 1st child going to take it.... She's 2!

Right so we’ve jumped to the daughter being secretly suicidal now based on… nothing.
And “the new piece” - charming.

Im sorry you had a tough time but you can’t project your experience onto others. I had a very bad relationship with my biological dad but I don’t tell women they must divorce their husbands because their kids might hate their dad.

My point is that we shouldn't assume that the DD was fine based on outward appearances. I didn't say that she was suicidal. I used my own experience as an example of how a child can mask to try to appease the adult who decides whether they eat or not.

@GoldenNuggets08 I assume people are more asking how your DD will find having a sibling, is she excited or a bit jealous, rather than suggesting you are not putting her first by having another child, you should have waited and consulted her beforehand etc though like OP is being told as the Dad is different.

The OP is being told her daughter is going through a massive change and she is unreasonable to think her DD would just accept it really easily! Almost every family I know, be they blended or nuclear, have put things in place to make sure their existing children would be OK with a sibling coming. In some cases the existing children accepted immediately, in other cases it took time, patience, reassurance. Forcing the child to talk, not understanding why her DD might be reacting like this, and being worried about her own mental health over her child's isn't exactly reassuring!

@GoldenNuggets08 I think that was the whole point of the OP's post though, to get advice on how to help her DD with the situation. Instead the majority has been a pile on saying she shouldn't have another child full stop, without knowing the situation.

OP says she understands her daughter is angry and upset, so not as though she is completely oblivious to how she is feeling. For what it's worth, as a child I definitely did not want a sibling once I was past the age of 5 (was desperate for one before then!) so can understand why her daughter is upset. As an adult though I can see I didn't have the right to dictate whether my parents could have another child or not, as long as they had the resources in place to support us both.