Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

[HereWeGoAgain38]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

In this situation, @Nobodywouldknow, yes, I do think the OP should have had some sort of discussion with her dd, around the decision to try for another baby. Not so that her dd would have power of veto, of course, but at least a head's up that this was being considered, so that she would have had more time to process what was happening, and to raise her worries with her mum.

If @HereWeGoAgain38 had known in advance how her dd would react, and could have addressed her worries and issues, it might have made things easier now - I don't see that as a bad thing. This decision doesn't just affect her mum and her mum's dp, it also has a massive effect on the dd, and that needs to be acknowledged, at the very least.

If, when my boys were teenagers, dh and I had thought about having another child, we would definitely have discussed it with them - it would not be fair to cause such upheaval in their lives without even a brief conversation, imo.

Okay, out of interest, if your older children said absolutely not and that they would not want anything to do with the baby when born and that this would mess up their lives, would you then take the decision not to go ahead? It’s all well and good discussing but I am not sure the point/benefit if it’s something you really want and you’re not going to give the child the power to decide. What if they reacted badly and then you went ahead and got pregnant anyway - wouldn’t they have an argument that you directly ignored their wishes?

I just think that an older child does not and should not have a say in matters such as family size. This is because they will inevitably approach it from a selfish point of view (which is natural at that age). Those saying the DD will be roped into babysitting, that can be easily dealt with by promising her that she won’t and sticking to that.

In that situation, @Nobodywouldknow, I would definitely think twice about having another baby. But at least I would have the chance to ask them why they objected to us having another baby, which might mean I could address those concerns and they might change their minds.

I wouldn't have a other child if my teenager of that age was dead against it.

I'm sorry, I really can't believe that people ask their kids if they want another sibling. And go along with their decision.

So how would you change their mind?
Or at least what would you do to makes sure that the child was comfortable with the decision?
Also if we are being honest about this, what would you do to ensure that your child didn't just become a cheap babysitter (and believed you when you told them)?

As I said, my mum died when I was a kid. My dad remarried and I have a sister 16 years younger than me. It was difficult at first but after a while I realized that I was pleased for him and my stepmother. My dad was the sort of man who was born to be married and be a father. He really was an excellent father.
And, being selfish, I came to understand that him remarrying set me free. I could go out, go to university, etc without worrying about him being by himself. He and my mum were always very much in love and her, sudden and traumatic, death left him distraught. When he met my stepmother he was happy again. He and my stepmother both passed away and are buried with my mother. I'm glad that he is with the 2 women he loved and who loved him.
I didn't think any decision he made as an adult was mine to influence. He was a parent and it was his decision to remarry. And to have a child with my stepmother. I didn't expect him or her, to ask me questions about increasing the family. Or what car to buy, or renewing kitchen units. My stepmother was lovely, I never had any issues with her, she treated me as if I was her own child. A win/win situation.
Maybe I'm different, but I'm glad I wasn't asked my opinion, if it had been negative and they hadn't had my sister I would have denied them both the opportunity to have a child together. And I find that sad.
Edited to say, I did babysit because I wanted to! I actually earned pocket money by doing that generally any way.
And I didn't feel resentful because I knew I was loved. Both by mum and dad and later by my stepmother.

Ridiculous notion. I bet if any of the posters here really wanted a child they would do it regardless of what their older child wanted. Of course they would. It’s all well and good to say that you wouldn’t when you’re not in that situation.
The OP’s DD will likely go to uni in 4 years when she is an adult. She will have three odd years of having a young sibling full time. It’s not a massive imposition and she’s not being asked to care for the baby. The idea that she should make the decision is ludicrous.

I feel bad now as I didn't check with my other 2 before I had a third. I also didn't consult with the grandparents as they provide childcare sometimes. I forgot to ask my friend who's child i watch once every 2 weeks due to a rota issue. As it impacted her for a month after birth.
We have no idea of OPs history. This may have been her first relationship since DDs farther, it may have been her 40th!
Ultimately it is OPs body she has the say, not DD.
DD has every right to be upset as this will be big change for everyone. She has no right to dictate what another human can do with there own body.

DD has every right to be upset as this will be big change for everyone. She has no right to dictate what another human can do with there own body.

She’s not trying to. She does have the right to go and live with her dad.

Have you ever been a single parent to a teenager, then started a new relationship and thought about having another baby very soon into it? It's not necessary to ask permission, there are ways of sussing out how a teen might feel without asking outright. And I'm sure many women would choose to wait if they thought it would cause so much upheaval that their teen wanted to leave home.

There's a lot very black and white posters on this thread who probably think they're being funny and smart with their 'well I didn't get my toddler's permission' comments, they've probably never been in the OP's situation and can't seem to make the mental stretch to imagine it.