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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

211 replies

HereWeGoAgain38 · 16/09/2024 17:13

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

OP posts:
Imustgoforarun · 16/09/2024 19:03

Your post is all about your feelings. Did you not think this through beforehand? What teenager wants to know that their mother is having sex. And what teenager really wants a baby around.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 16/09/2024 19:04

Mumsnet is utterly bonkers on threads like this.

14 year olds need reverential silence to do their GCSE geography homework!

14 year olds will be damaged for life if they find out a parent has sex!

14 year olds should be consulted before a parent conceives!

@HereWeGoAgain38 you’ll not get any sensible advice because you haven’t had 2 DC in no more than 5 years with the same DH. You haven’t said how long your DP has been in your daughter’s life. You haven’t said how your home is laid out. But posters think she’s met him twice and will have to sleep on the other side of a bead curtain from the baby.

How often does your DD see her dad? He’s probably not even been appraised of her plan to move in with him… Keep talking to her, keep seeking to understand her feelings. She’ll get used to it, same as millions of teenagers the world over, for centuries, have done.

SausageMonkey2 · 16/09/2024 19:04

I can almost hear your 14yo saying exactly the same as you. read it in her voice instead of yours @HereWeGoAgain38

“ she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this”

AspirationalTallskinnylatte · 16/09/2024 19:10

A lot of these answers are overly harsh. Yes it's a big change in her life, yes it doesn't centre on her, but it's not like something awful is happening to her, it's just a baby FFS.

OP I'd do as you would for any situation she was finding hard, talk about it, reassure her & when the baby is here make sure you schedule one on one time with her right from the beginning. Get your partner trained up so he can do feeds etc and go out with DD on her own weekly.

My stroppy 14 year old enjoys being bought drinks in coffee shops, going round the shopping centre together, weirdly doing homework especially art homework together, getting a meal out, going to the cinema and educating me about what it meant afterwards etc... Start a new ritual with her that's nothing to do with babies.

Good luck & congratulations on your pregnancy!

Choochoo21 · 16/09/2024 19:12

Imustgoforarun · 16/09/2024 19:03

Your post is all about your feelings. Did you not think this through beforehand? What teenager wants to know that their mother is having sex. And what teenager really wants a baby around.

Absolutely this!!

she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom.

What about her mental health?

Stop thinking about yourself for 1 minute and start putting your DD first.

Within a year you’ve gone from having her be the centre of your world, to meeting someone, moving them into her home and now having a baby at possibly one of the most fragile stages of her life.

No wonder she wants to go and live with her dad.

LittleSeasideCottage · 16/09/2024 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DoIWantTo · 16/09/2024 19:15

My DD would react exactly the same at 14. She does not want more siblings, she’s made her stance very clear that she is happy with the amount she has and would not accept any more. She’s at a very selfish age, but she’s also at a very crucial age where she needs you to be focusing on her.

However you’re already pregnant so the horse has bolted. I’d tell her she can move to her fathers after she’s sat her exams, see how she feels after that.

NewGreenDuck · 16/09/2024 19:16

And in a few years the daughter will be off into the world without so much as a backwards glance for her mum. She won't be sticking around because mum will miss her( which she will), she will be doing what most 18 year olds do. Off to enjoy adulthood.
My mum died when I was a kid, my dad remarried a few years later and I have a sister 16 years younger than me. Was I happy in the beginning? No, I wasn't. I was a daddy's girl and didn't want to share him. But when I had grown up a bit, I was glad he had remarried and that he had another daughter. He adored her, and she did him.
OP, with luck your daughter will do just that. She will mature and realise that you can love her and the new baby and your partner. And when she leaves home she will be glad you have others around you. There is no way, now, that I would have wanted my dad to miss out on the chance of another family. I hope she feels the same, one day.

Growlybear83 · 16/09/2024 19:20

You've effectively thrown two grenades into your daughter's world. It must have been extremely difficult for her to have had to come to terms with having a strange man living in her home permanently, particularly at 13/14 when she has so much to cope with going through adolescence. Think back to how you were at that age, all the awkwardness about the way you're changing and developing, including being shy about your growing body, and how very hard it must suddenly be to have a strange man in the house. Then on top of that, she hears that you're pregnant. She has already had to come to terms with sharing you with a strange man, and now knows that a baby will be arriving who will cause her enormous disruption and take even more of you away from her. On top of everything else, I bet some of her friends are also laughing about the horror of someone's parents having sex.

mitogoshigg · 16/09/2024 19:26

My dc who was older than that said she wouldn't accept another sibling. It wasn't on the cards anyway but existing dc do not want siblings often. If her dad can offer a suitable home then it's a good idea to consider it now

LivelyBlake · 16/09/2024 19:27

Your daughter, like all teenagers, is selfish and immature. She will come round and will probably look back with embarrassment at her reaction.

Let her be and do not try and force her feelings in any way. You have a right to your own life in the same way she has to hers. If she genuinely thinks she'll be happier with her dad, at her age I would let her go but make it clear to her that you love her very much and you will miss her.

LittleSeasideCottage · 16/09/2024 19:30

LivelyBlake · 16/09/2024 19:27

Your daughter, like all teenagers, is selfish and immature. She will come round and will probably look back with embarrassment at her reaction.

Let her be and do not try and force her feelings in any way. You have a right to your own life in the same way she has to hers. If she genuinely thinks she'll be happier with her dad, at her age I would let her go but make it clear to her that you love her very much and you will miss her.

Edited

What a horrible way to frame it. The daughter has absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about and I hope she doesn't. She has a right to feel how she feels. Not wanting her life turned upside down is not selfish.

Selfish people always talk about their rights but never their responsibilities.

LivelyBlake · 16/09/2024 19:30

Choochoo21 · 16/09/2024 19:12

Absolutely this!!

she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom.

What about her mental health?

Stop thinking about yourself for 1 minute and start putting your DD first.

Within a year you’ve gone from having her be the centre of your world, to meeting someone, moving them into her home and now having a baby at possibly one of the most fragile stages of her life.

No wonder she wants to go and live with her dad.

Show quote history

So many horrible posts in this thread. This is not AIBU. Why are you attacking the OP?
OP if you've read this far, hide the thread and go on with your life. Forget about the nastiness of Mumsnet.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/09/2024 19:41

In the nicest possible way, what on earth did you expect? Most 14yos would probably be pretty horrified at this kind of news. It was never likely that she would be happy about it!

She will probably get used to the idea but please don't force her to talk about it. Give her some time. If she persists in saying that she wants to live with her dad, would this be an option? I appreciate that it isn't what you want, but it might be in her best interests? I've known a couple of families with only children where siblings have suddenly appeared in the teenage years, and it has been catastrophic for the older kids. I've known others where the kids have adapted and it has all been fine.

I think you need to listen to what your dd is telling you even if it isn't what you want to hear. She is not "being stubborn", she is expressing how she feels. Acknowledge and accept those feelings, and don't try to minimise them because they aren't what you want to hear. Ultimately, assuming all goes well, the baby isn't going anywhere so your focus now needs to be on helping your dd adapt and work out how she's going to deal with this unwelcome change.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 16/09/2024 19:49

This may not be a popular view, but I think that parents who have more children with someone other than the child’s other parent is different. The child goes from being a part of a family, and then a parent and their partner have a child and become a two parent family they’re not really a part of.
The pregnancy is here now, but just as you have the right to have another child, your Dd has the right to want nothing to do with it. And a child of divorce does have the choice to walk out and live with her father.

GingerPirate · 16/09/2024 19:51

pinkfleece · 16/09/2024 17:15

She's just going into the most important four years of her schooling and you're deprioritising her. I'd feel the same. Studying with a screaming baby or a toddler around the place? Great.

Sorry, you want a baby, she doesn't have to be pleased and it was probably naive to expect that she would be.

Brilliant.
Couldn't say that better.

Overthebow · 16/09/2024 19:53

You moved your partner in and less than a year later got pregnant. That’s a lot of change for dd no wonder she’s feeling unsettled and a bit resentful. She’s had just you for 14 years and now she has to share you with a partner and a baby.

Fastback · 16/09/2024 19:54

Her whole world has just shifted. I’d probably have reacted the same as her.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 16/09/2024 19:55

and now she no longer is the center of your world.

HowcanIhelp123 · 16/09/2024 19:57

You've had a rough time here. Ignore the vitriol but the basics are right.

  1. You had a family of you, ex and her. Dad moved out and was you and her. Then partner moves in and you're pregnant. You have new family of you, partner and new baby.

  2. She also may well have kept the dream of you and ex getting back together and seen your partner moving in as 'temporary' (especially if dad has had some partners hes lived with in the past). The pregnancy means it is likely more permanent and shuts that door.

  3. Babies are made from sex. She does not want to think about you and partner having sex. She will also likely get some teasing over it at school.

  4. You've expected her to be happy about a plan that changes everything that she's had no input into. She didn't choose a baby. My parents had another baby in my teenage years with extra needs. That was very effective birth control for me. I was late for school frequently during GSCE/A levels because they were too busy dealing with meltdowns etc and couldn't get out the door on time. Also still wasn't sleeping through when I left home so I was sleep deprived. Also no one else would watch them due to meltdowns so my mum didn't come to my birthday dinners, graduation etc as too late/not right environment.

You need to give your daughter some incentive and inclusion. Big sister present, things you're going to do, maybe private scan with her in attendance to find out if boy/girl. Ask her to help pick out nursery theme etc. Have plans well in advance of things just for you and her. When she has her 16th/18th you're going to have a 1yo/3yo. They won't be able to be involved in what she wants to do.

Lomoto · 16/09/2024 20:07

TheOliveGoose · 16/09/2024 17:33

I think you just have to give her time and accept that this is going to be difficult for her. Mum is busy making a new family that she isn't really going to be part of, baby will be 4 when your dd is probably going to be leaving home. Your partner will have a child who is biologically his unlike her. It's looking like a cosy future for you guys that she probably feels she won't be a proper part of.

Time and reassurance are all that you can really do.

This.
My DM had my sister when I was 13 with my stepdad. It was horrible and I was promptly forgotten about. They went on holidays and left me and my DB at home. We were given smaller presents etc.

I'm in my forties now and it had a profound impact on me. My sense of worth was affected for many years and I was so angry.

Imagine how she must feel.

JJ988 · 16/09/2024 20:12

HowcanIhelp123 · 16/09/2024 19:57

You've had a rough time here. Ignore the vitriol but the basics are right.

  1. You had a family of you, ex and her. Dad moved out and was you and her. Then partner moves in and you're pregnant. You have new family of you, partner and new baby.

  2. She also may well have kept the dream of you and ex getting back together and seen your partner moving in as 'temporary' (especially if dad has had some partners hes lived with in the past). The pregnancy means it is likely more permanent and shuts that door.

  3. Babies are made from sex. She does not want to think about you and partner having sex. She will also likely get some teasing over it at school.

  4. You've expected her to be happy about a plan that changes everything that she's had no input into. She didn't choose a baby. My parents had another baby in my teenage years with extra needs. That was very effective birth control for me. I was late for school frequently during GSCE/A levels because they were too busy dealing with meltdowns etc and couldn't get out the door on time. Also still wasn't sleeping through when I left home so I was sleep deprived. Also no one else would watch them due to meltdowns so my mum didn't come to my birthday dinners, graduation etc as too late/not right environment.

You need to give your daughter some incentive and inclusion. Big sister present, things you're going to do, maybe private scan with her in attendance to find out if boy/girl. Ask her to help pick out nursery theme etc. Have plans well in advance of things just for you and her. When she has her 16th/18th you're going to have a 1yo/3yo. They won't be able to be involved in what she wants to do.

Edited

Finally, someone said it! What a vile thread of posts attacking someone asking for help and advice, instead she has had everyone's two pence worth in the most disgusting way!

I’m assuming everyone who has commented has assessed every life changing situation to the absolute core before making decisions. No one has ever had to “find out the hard way”.

OP, you can’t change your situation, you just need to find a happy medium for you both. Try to have a conversation with your DD, spend time with her, reassure her that your love for her won’t diminish and will forever continue to grow. If she wants to live with her dad to get away for a while, let her go, it might give her time to think and clear her head too.

I’m sorry you have had to face horrid comments on your thread, I can guarantee some of these people will have added comments on other threads telling expectant mothers to try not to get stressed because it could cause distress to their unborn child, but nothing better than hypocrisy right… I hope it all works out for you all.

mirrensidhe · 16/09/2024 20:13

Ilovelifeverymuch · 16/09/2024 18:13

Seriously? Sometimes the things I read on mumsnet 😂

Show quote history

what are you crying with laughter at?

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/09/2024 20:19

Please come back and answer some questions. How much time has she spent with her father in this other country? Can't she speak the language? How is their relationship otherwise?

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 16/09/2024 20:22

OhcantthInkofaname · 16/09/2024 20:19

Please come back and answer some questions. How much time has she spent with her father in this other country? Can't she speak the language? How is their relationship otherwise?

OP said county. I suppose her DD might need to learn to speak Yorkshire if her mother tongue is Lancashire.