Daughter just not accepting of pregnancy

[HereWeGoAgain38]

Hi everyone

Just wondered if anyone else had been in a similar situation and could offer some advice! I was a single mother to my daughter for years before my partner moved in a year ago. She's 14 now and I'm about 14 weeks pregnant. I told her straight away and she's just closed down and won't talk but has been really rude to me and my partner. She's changed overnight with this news. I've just forced her to talk and she says she wants to live with her Dad and not see me and the baby when it's here. He lives in a different county so it would mean changing schools etc. I know she's really upset and angry but it's really really affecting me, she's always been the centre of my world and now she's rejecting me. It's affecting how I'm feeling about this baby and bonding with it and my mental health is rock bottom. I just don't know how we're going to get through this, everyone keeps telling me she will come round but I just can't see it happening, she's so stubborn. Has anyone experienced something similar?

Your poor daughter. I realise this isn't going to be the answer that you wanted but I think you've handled this poorly. In less than a year you have moved your boyfriend in to her home and now you're expecting a baby. You are significantly disrupting her life and you're peeved that her refusal to play happy families is impacting your mental health.....
It's OK for her to state her preferences now around where she wishes to live...and that won't be with your boyfriend and a screaming baby that she doesn't like. She's going to into the most crucial years of her education and emotional development. Her sleep will now be disrupted by a baby screaming. She probably also feels uncomfortable around a man in her home that is a stranger. What happens if your relationship doesn't last and you end up as a single mum with a tiny baby.

She probably also feels uncomfortable around a man in her home that is a stranger

I think in MN land, stranger is someone who is not a child’s blood relative and they will always be a stranger, no matter how long they have been in a child’s life.

No it would probably be accepted without question both by the DD and people on here. Maybe the odd grumble about being selfish and starting a new family but pretty sure nobody would be talking about aborting the baby so that the teen DD wouldn’t have to deal with it. to be fair only one poster said that, so let’s not paint this as a thread full of posters telling the OP to have an abortion off the back of a single comment.

If the 14 year old were living with her father, why wouldn’t they be?

The OP has affected changes that benefit her. They don’t benefit her daughter. Understandably there’s a clash.

Awww, that's so caring and helpful to op.🙄
She's already feeling like shit.

No but they weren’t far off. A lot of people were accusing her of basically ruining her DD’s life because she is having another child. They really were disgusting and spectacularly unhelpful because everyone on the thread knew that the OP was already pregnant.

I'm sure the OPs daughter is feeling like shit as well....

You could argue that having a sibling is a benefit to the DD even though she doesn’t see it that way now. Anyway since when do people decide whether to have more children solely on the say so of the existing ones? I’m sure if you’d asked me before my youngest siblings were born whether I wanted them, I’d have said no. You do get some kids who beg for a sibling but an equal number who are dead against it.

Far too fast. Can you honestly not imagine how she feels?

A year ago, a man completely unrelated to her moved into her home, to her family of herself and her mum.

Only a year later they are having a baby together, so now her mum will be a new family with this man and a new baby. The only person in her own home not related to all the members of that new family will be… her.

All when she’s going through the teenage years.

Honestly it’s not ideal at all. Poor girl.

Doesn't look like the OP is coming back after the pile on anyway. I think the responses would be a lot different if the dad was the same as DD's (when they'd probably be supportive and more critical of DD - not saying that's fair either).

Instead the partner is referred to as some strange man, when it reality none of us know what he's like in real life (just as we don't know bio dad) or how long they've actually been together for (living together for a year doesn't necessarily mean they've only been in a relationship for a year).

Given that the OP is already 14 weeks pregnant and asking for advice on how to manage this situation, opinions on never having another child if you become a single parent aren't really helpful at this point. Personally I'd give DD time, don't over mention the baby stuff and let her know you are here for her, she's very much part of the family and your love for her is never going to change. I think she will come round, it's probably a surprise and the sex aspect is making her feel uncomfortable too, If she truly wants to live with her dad and that's a credible option then I'd support her with that, if it's out of the blue it may just be how she's lashing out because she feels hurt right now.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all works out well.

It could be but it could also be a negative for the daughter as well. Its important that the negatives aren't downplayed just to try to make the OP feel better. She needs to see the situation clearly so she can support her daughters feelings, not just make herself feel better.

This sounds like a very new relationship and they have only been living together 9 months before the pregnancy. So this isn't a long term solid relationship where everyone has had time to adjust. It's possible that this relationship may not survive the situation either (having a new baby and resentful teenager are huge stressors in a new relationship), in which case the OP could find herself a single parent again.

I don't think anyone has said she should terminate the pregnancy but if her daughter wants to remove herself from the situation she should at least listen. I disagree with those saying to fight for her, why would you want to fight to keep her in a situation that could make her very miserable and impact her mental health.

She needs to listen to her daughter not just stick her fingers in her ears and say 'she's just being a selfish teenager, she'll get over it because X,Y or Z happened to me and I was alright'.

I’m talking about the OP moving in her partner. Other than it making her mother (presumably) happy, that’s only a negative as far as a 13 year old girl is concerned. Suddenly there’s a guy living in her house. The baby cements this relationship as being ‘now’ and viable, unlike the relationship with the OP’s ex, her DD’s dad, and it would be entirely understandable if the DD feels sidelined. Suddenly she’s sharing a house with a nuclear family she’s not a member of.

Netmums is the place for 'aw, u ok hun, ur bubz ur rules'

MN gives you more common sense advice, including that moving a new partner in and being pregnant within a year is, of course, not going to go down well with a 14 year old.

Which is obviously not to say the OP needs to live a celibate life and not have another child, but I can certainly think of people in subsequent relationships who chose not to cohabit or have another child because of the impact on an existing child.

How do you know? She hasn’t said anything about how the DD gets on with her DP. You’re basing this on an assumption that all children hate their stepparents.

This sounds like a very new relationship and they have only been living together 9 months before the pregnancy

Shes literally said nothing about how long they’ve been together. They could have been together 5 years and recently moved in for all you know.

I don't think it's ideal for any children if their parents start new families after they've had children, like a do over. The answer is either don't do it, or accept your existing children won't be happy but give them some time, tell them you love them and that will never change.

In my opinion your dad having a new family would be much worse than your mom, because I've seen so many dad's forget about their older children and push them aside. Mom's seem to do that less.

I think the daughter's reaction to the situation, which the OP herself has described, tells you exactly how she feels about her new homelife. Just re-read the OP.

Dating someone outside the home for however long and living with them full time are two different things. A young teenage girl doesn't have to share intimate space if he's not living there. She is clearly not happy about the change as she is saying it loud and clear to the OP.

This situation is a new one, which the OP has said her daughter is struggling to adjust to. Now this has happened its made it even more complicated.

I get it, you want to support the OP because she has a right to live her life, etc, etc. But there is also a responsibility to her current child who is saying very clearly that she is distressed by the situation. One doesn't cancel out the other.

Better to listen to the child who is saying she is upset rather than start getting defensive about timelines.

Why the of course? In plenty of circumstances this would be fine. In this particular circumstance for 14-year-old is not happy about things at the current time. This thread is absolutely batshit

I think two very different scenarios are being mixed up.

One. Where mums of teenage kids in secure, loving, supportive families are happily having babies.

Two. Where relationships which are unsuccessfully blended or not yet established, are rushing to have more children to the detriment of existing children, who for whatever reason are very unhappy about the situation.

You can't suddenly switch from one scenario to the other without a lot of patience, empathy and listening to the very real feelings of the existing children.

It's concerning how so many teenagers are written off as just being selfish or spoilt when they're trying, albeit very clumsily, to express their distress.

Maybe they are just selfish and spoilt and maybe not. How do we know? The thing is none of us know the exact circumstances other than what the OP has put in the post. There is a lot of subjectivity and extrapolation on this thread

That's what Mumsnet is about though. Posters can only go on the information provided. Some will instinctively take sides with the OP and defend their right to do whatever they want. Others will take an alternative stance, not accept things at face value and try to see it from the perspective of others involved.

It's not an echo chamber of agreement but a range of views.

Some things that made my friends and classmates feel shit when we were 14:

• their mum dying
• their dad losing his job
• someone said their hair was stupid
• moving to other side of country for parents job
• girlfriend chucked them
• not allowed to go to a gig
• sibling with serious illness

Point is, we can’t protect teenagers from big feelings, and it’s probably unhealthy for them to think they should never be inconvenienced by the lives of those around them.

I also think it’s depressingly unhealthy and Repressed Brit that teenagers aren’t learning that sex is a perfectly normal thing adults do. She obviously shouldn’t be seeing or hearing anything inappropriate, but it’s ridiculous that her fit of the vapours over it is a reason OP shouldn’t have another baby!

Nice to see that you are minimising the distressing situation that this poor child is being subjected to. Referring to this as a "fit of the vapours" tells me all I need to know about you. Lacking in empathy or enough emotional intelligence to understand how this is impacting a child.

I was ‘subjected’ to the exact same ‘distressing situation’ as the OPs ‘poor child’. Or, as I prefer to call him, my brother.

Honestly, if this is the worst trauma the DD ever faces in her life her mum has done a great job.