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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My mum wants me to have an abortion

203 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 14:59

Ignore your mam! She has no say on this. Congratulations 💖

AngryGoblin · 19/01/2023 15:00

Congratulations and I'm sorry about your mum. If you want a baby, have a baby, it's not for her to tell you. She sounds very unreasonable.

SugarBlossomFairy · 19/01/2023 15:01

Do exactly what you want to do and don't listen to anyone else! Why should she dictate what you do with your body and life!

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 19/01/2023 15:02

In my experience, people who are controlling like this are always controlling and she will find other ways to be manipulative, so leave her to it.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. You do whats right for you.

Swimswam · 19/01/2023 15:02

Congratulations on your baby. Your partner sounds lovely and supportive.
Ignore your Mum. She is being unfair and cruel. A baby is never shameful.

Darthwazette · 19/01/2023 15:02

Your mother’s opinion seems very old fashioned to me. If you want to have a baby then have one.

kindhandsworking · 19/01/2023 15:04

It's not your mums life, children out of wedlock is a very old fashioned view, all that matters is you are both happy about it

LabradorEyes · 19/01/2023 15:04

Is your mum religious? Her views are very odd. Congratulations and ignore her!

Suedomin · 19/01/2023 15:05

Of course it is not shameful.
Do what feels right for you not your mother who seems extremely unsupportive.
How you feel is all that matters here.
Do you want another child?
Do you feel able to cope with another child.
Are you happy to have a child with your new partner?

Timeforabiscuit · 19/01/2023 15:05

What does she mean by she's finished with you? Does she look after your daughters or support you in other ways? If she does, she may feel pretty betrayed that she has provided support so you can stand on your own, but are now in a position where you need it for longer?

If that's not the case then it's absolutely nothing to do with her.

Dyra · 19/01/2023 15:07

JFC, all I heard in her response was "me, me, me". She's ashamed. She didn't imagine this in her 60's. If she doesn't get her way she's going to throw a tantrum.

All that matters is how you feel about it. Really good that your partner is excited too. Congratulations on the house and masters too btw.

dontleaveitthere · 19/01/2023 15:07

Nice people don't threaten their children with 'abortion or I'm done with you'

However your partner sounds lovely.

You have a lot of things to weigh up with your studies etc. but take your mother and her fucking shame out of it.

Make the right decision for you.

Frankly if she refused to talk to you because you didn't have an abortion I would consider that a bonus.

Motherofalittledragon · 19/01/2023 15:08

Crikey it's none of your mums business if she wants to finish with you let her, but she should have no say whatsoever about wether you have another baby or not.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2023 15:08

Why do you think she’s saying this? Are her views on marriage new?

Brenna24 · 19/01/2023 15:08

Congratulations. I can't see how it has anything to do with what she is doing with her 60s unless she is looking after them for you. It sounds like a brilliant time to have a baby. I would not terminate a wanted pregnancy for anyone, not even the father and certainly not for a grandparent. I would keep your mum at arm's length and enjoy your life.

Soozikinzii · 19/01/2023 15:10

What's it got to do with.your mum ? If you wait till everything is perfect no one would have kids ! It's up to you and your partner .

Sallyh87 · 19/01/2023 15:12

It is absolutely none of her business. Do what you want to do. Sounds like you are in a good relationship and a stable place so I would question not?

No one should ever be forced into an abortion or indeed forced to have a child.

Why would it be shameful? It’s really strange that she cares about a child ‘out of wedlock’ but is fully onboard with abortion. Those two viewpoints don’t seem to go hand in hand but maybe I am being overly simplistic.

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 15:14

My mum looks after my daughters every second Saturday while I work but other than that and she has emotionally in the past with my abusive ex partner which I really appreciate. Maybe 3 times a year she might have them for the day or while I go to the cinema but otherwise - no she doesn't support me in any other way.

OP posts:
bigbabycooker · 19/01/2023 15:15

It sounds as if you have done a brilliant job of turning life around.

No, you shouldn't have an abortion if you don't want to. If you are excited about having a baby, congratulations!!!

Your mum's views only matter to the extent that you would be relying on her to look after baby and couldn't manage without - if that is the case, you need to consider other options, because it is unfair on baby and other kids for everyone to be forced to work around someone who is controlling in this way and who clearly does not want additional childcare responsibilities. I sense that maybe your mum has been involved up to this point with your daughters - whilst you can feel grateful for the help, you absolutely do not have an obligation to her to do as she wishes for the rest of your life, but you do need to be able to take responsibility for your own decisions.

Finally, if you decide to have the baby and stay unmarried, you really do need to think about what happens if this relationship falls apart and how you would manage in practice. Things happen and you do need a back up plan for your existing kids and the one yet to be born.

Good luck!!!

GoT1904 · 19/01/2023 15:20

If you ever decide to terminate then it has to be because it's what YOU want. Not a partner, mum, or anyone else. It doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.

I'm about to have my 4th. New partner. We're not married, but we're very excited. It's 2023!

Puppers · 19/01/2023 15:24

It's not shameful and it has bugger all to do with your mum's 60s. What a weird thing for her to say. The fact that she'd be OK with the baby as long as you get married suggests that her objections about timing and your existing children are not genuine. Forget her opinion and ignore her ultimatums. Arrange alternative childcare while you work; you can't be beholden to people like this.

Just a word of caution...very often women come out of one abusive relationship and find themselves in another. "Less abusive" can sometimes feel like "healthy". It may be helpful to talk with a professional to try and see if there are red flags you are missing. It's a very short relationship to bring a child into and one year is still very much in the window where an abusive man's mask may not have slipped.

twoandcooplease · 19/01/2023 15:25

It's not her body. It's not her choice.

Blueuggboots · 19/01/2023 15:28

It's none of your mum's business?!

Xrays · 19/01/2023 15:28

I’d be seriously considering cutting contact with your Mum. Absolutely toxic.

Congratulations.

Escapingafter50years · 19/01/2023 15:30

A controlling mother like that is possibly part of the reason you ended up with an abusive man, the normal alarm bells don't go off. For your own wellbeing you need to distance yourself from her and make an alternative arrangement for your DDs.

Puppers advice is worth heeding. Whatever happens, I wish you well.

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