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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My mum wants me to have an abortion

203 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

OP posts:
atoxk · 20/01/2023 03:03

She doesn't have to care for your kids. But she's still your mum. Her job is to care and support you. If she isn't on your side why would she ever be allowed to look after your kids

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 20/01/2023 03:16

I didn't know parental disapproval was a ground for termination under the Abortion Act.

Liorae · 20/01/2023 03:35

I agree so much. You really need to examine your reasons for wanting to continue this pregnancy. Perhaps your mother is seeing something you can't, /won't allow yourself to see.

Devineursula · 20/01/2023 06:18

The mother had been supportive and by her DD’s side right up until this point.

Given her desperate reaction, I suspect it comes from a place of extreme worry for the OP for reasons that we don’t know about.

Even fact that OP was in a 10 year abusive relationship, with two young daughters who would have also endured that marriage and is in the very early stages of a relationship…. This is only what we know and it’s concerning, and I suspect there’s many many more issues that the OP’s mother could also bring to the table that drives her concern.

I am always shocked at posters blithely saying “go for it OP!!” When we don’t know the OP, have never met her and anyone in the scenario and have bugger all idea about the OP and the veracity of her post and yet you feel happy to encourage her to have a baby

WandaWonder · 20/01/2023 06:23

If you can do it all without needing her to be or child minder or to rescue you then sure it's up to you

ClaryFairchild · 20/01/2023 06:32

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 17:56

I have no idea what she means by that and no I don't expect her to look after all three - she hasn't taken into consideration that we will have the support of my partners family and we would work together to organise alternative childcare if his family wasn't available.

Are you SURE she hasn't taken that into consideration? My guess is that she's scared she's going to be in competition with them - you in a loving relationship with a new partner who has supportive and loving parents means she loses control over you. You having a termination could cause problems in your relationship with his family which may be what she is hoping for.

dogmandu · 20/01/2023 07:08

Devineursula · 20/01/2023 06:18

The mother had been supportive and by her DD’s side right up until this point.

Given her desperate reaction, I suspect it comes from a place of extreme worry for the OP for reasons that we don’t know about.

Even fact that OP was in a 10 year abusive relationship, with two young daughters who would have also endured that marriage and is in the very early stages of a relationship…. This is only what we know and it’s concerning, and I suspect there’s many many more issues that the OP’s mother could also bring to the table that drives her concern.

I am always shocked at posters blithely saying “go for it OP!!” When we don’t know the OP, have never met her and anyone in the scenario and have bugger all idea about the OP and the veracity of her post and yet you feel happy to encourage her to have a baby

@Devineursula

I am always shocked at posters blithely saying “go for it OP!!”

Me too. I sometimes wonder if some posters (and there are surprisingly many of them) are capable of looking at the bigger picture and whether they actually spend some time thinking the situation through rather than being 'friendly' and following the party line with absolutely no thought as to consequences and long term harm especially to children that may have their lives turned upside down by these hasty LTB comments.

Devineursula · 20/01/2023 07:11

dogmandu · 20/01/2023 07:08

@Devineursula

I am always shocked at posters blithely saying “go for it OP!!”

Me too. I sometimes wonder if some posters (and there are surprisingly many of them) are capable of looking at the bigger picture and whether they actually spend some time thinking the situation through rather than being 'friendly' and following the party line with absolutely no thought as to consequences and long term harm especially to children that may have their lives turned upside down by these hasty LTB comments.

Show quote history

I also wonder there people are like in RL with their friends. Do they actually listen and think, or do they just say “yeah yeah, go for it!!!

dogmandu · 20/01/2023 07:14

Devineursula · 20/01/2023 07:11

I also wonder there people are like in RL with their friends. Do they actually listen and think, or do they just say “yeah yeah, go for it!!!

Show quote history

If they actually go for it irl then I think in some instances they are being incredibly silly.

BubziOwl · 20/01/2023 07:18

Two Saturdays a month is hardly loads. I've never had any help looking after my baby, and even from my perspective, two Saturdays is great but I don't think you need to be falling over with gratitude, and making allowances for he saying awful things.

Frankly, even if she was looking after them much more, she still doesn't get to tell you what to do with your body and your baby. She might not like it, I'm afraid that's life. She can either stop whinging or stop helping with childcare. Those are her choices - whether or not you get an abortion is not one of them.

2bazookas · 20/01/2023 07:22

Right now, your focus needs to be on children. The big question of "Two children, or three children"

Instead, you're totally focussed on and obsessing about your mother. That worries me because it's so clearly an unconscious distraction from something you're trying not to engage with.

Is it the father?

Until the pregnancy test, he had not decided to move in, parent your kids, make a serious long term commitment to three people. You haven't lived together; and you know very well that is the real test of staying power. "it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that"......sorry, that's not commitment either. IF he wants this baby he should say so. If he doesn't want it, its even more important he should say so.

You have form for picking a wrong man, and staying with him for the wrong reason until he dumped you all. Don't make the same mistake twice.

SabbatWheel · 20/01/2023 07:24

I spent years listening to what my mum said because she was sensible and mature, if rather negative and conservative with her ambitions. I came to realise that her negativity chipping in my ear had held me back for YEARS and it was OK to do things my way.

You have one, short life. Live it how you see fit.
As long as what you do doesn’t hurt anyone else or cost you more than you can afford, just do it.

Greenfairydust · 20/01/2023 07:36

It is none of her business and she sounds controlling and manipulative.

You have a supportive partner, a job, are studying and are able to buy a house so it sounds like you are doing really well in life.

The idea of blackmailing you ''abort or I want nothing to do with you'' is outrageous.

I would call her bluff and just say that you are having this baby and you wish her well if she wants to walk away...

Also I would consider putting some distance between you and your mother anyway as you don't want someone like that influencing you in life.

cowsaysmoo · 20/01/2023 07:41

Not ok to have a baby outside the marriage but ok to terminate pregnancy? Doesn't make sense to me.
Ignore your mum and do what you want! It's your body, your children and your life!
Congratulations!

SchoolTripDrama · 20/01/2023 08:06

My god... You ignore this woman and go back to the real world and enjoy your pregnancy. Nobody else's business, you're an adult!

SchoolTripDrama · 20/01/2023 08:08

Mummyme87 · 19/01/2023 15:30

I would tell your mum you’re finished with her.

THIS!

BromCavMum · 20/01/2023 08:13

Don't let your mum's pressure influence your decision. You have to live your own life. This is between you and your partner. Do you want the baby? Then keep her or him. Your mother's demands are completely out of order. I had a demanding mother who was impossible to please, always wanting more, never satisfied. It was hard to stand up to her, but it was also the only way to have my own life. Best of luck to you.

diddl · 20/01/2023 08:41

From her perspective you are in the middle of studying, you are buying a house and your life is on track. Having a baby at this point with a man you have been dating for a year would probably seem irresponsible to her.

I think that this sounds plausible.

Obviously what she has said is awful though.

Is she particularly religious/oldfashioned?

I'd prefer my kids to be married before they have children.

But I wouldn't consider it shameful if they weren't.

I made my choice & they can make theirs!

Do you think it could be about losing control of you?

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/01/2023 11:54

Let her fuck off and not see her grandkids then. It's 2023 not 1963.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/01/2023 12:06

Oh and stop trying to live up to your mothers expectations!

You never will and you'll make yourself miserable trying to. This type of parent is never happy unless their child is the bloody Prime Minister!

anyolddinosaur · 20/01/2023 12:36

The partner was said to be "excited" but recognises it's not his decision. The OP has known him as a friend longer than they have been together, the children have known him for longer too.

I think it's understandable that your mother is concerned but she has a ridiculous way of showing it.

You need to ignore the opinions of other and focus on what you want.

HallieHufflepuff · 30/01/2023 09:15

@Pinkshamrock15 Hope you're doing OK ❤️

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 05/02/2023 18:27

HallieHufflepuff · 30/01/2023 09:15

@Pinkshamrock15 Hope you're doing OK ❤️

Hey,

I'm doing okay thank you. I spoke to my mum not long after I had posted this message and she continued to call me some vile names including a wh*re and I had never achieved anything in my life other than bringing pain and embarrassment to her door. I haven't spoken to her since. My partner has been very supportive and we went for a reassurance scan and we saw our healthy little baby. Still feeling very up and down about being pregnant because of what mum said and the naturally the changes it will bring. Thanks for asking :)

OP posts:
EL8888 · 05/02/2023 23:12

@Pinkshamrock15 thinking of you. Glad the scan went well

You mum sounds totally out of order. Already having 2 children, doing a masters and buying a house hardly sounds like small achievements! Ignore and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Liorae · 06/02/2023 02:28

2bazookas · 20/01/2023 07:22

Right now, your focus needs to be on children. The big question of "Two children, or three children"

Instead, you're totally focussed on and obsessing about your mother. That worries me because it's so clearly an unconscious distraction from something you're trying not to engage with.

Is it the father?

Until the pregnancy test, he had not decided to move in, parent your kids, make a serious long term commitment to three people. You haven't lived together; and you know very well that is the real test of staying power. "it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that"......sorry, that's not commitment either. IF he wants this baby he should say so. If he doesn't want it, its even more important he should say so.

You have form for picking a wrong man, and staying with him for the wrong reason until he dumped you all. Don't make the same mistake twice.

Don't kid yourself. She will make the same mistake repeatedly for the rest of her life.