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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My mum wants me to have an abortion

203 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

OP posts:
Dinodelight · 19/01/2023 16:41

Your mum is mad to say she didn’t expect to spend her sixties that way. Surely most mums expect that, my mum certainly didn’t expect to become a grandma in her fourties but she loved my son and supported me as a young mother. She’s now 60 and has a 10 month old from me and my brother and his wife are trying for their first. I wouldn’t immediately go no contact with her if you have any value from your relationship
with her, let her cool down, but let her know if she carries on with her toxicity she’ll spend her sixties with no contact from any of her grandchildren.

JFDIYOLO · 19/01/2023 16:41

Ignore her.

Isolating herself from the pleasure of family life, seeing grandchildren grow up, new baby too ...

Nuts.

PS - you're a grown up. You don't have to do what your mother says.

Soothsayer1 · 19/01/2023 16:42

mine was like this, very angry that I had children because it didnt fit with what she had planned for my life

Usergjdksndjsn · 19/01/2023 16:42

Your mums insane, making it all about her and degrading you. You should be proud you’ve done so well after being raised by her, you could’ve crumbled
it’s hardly surprising you had an abusive relationship if you’re used to being treated like that
have the baby if you want to have it
your mum shouldn’t factor
if she’s ‘done with you’ after this it sounds like it wouldn’t be such a bad thing

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 16:42

My mum looks after the girls every second Saturday. There really isn't any back story apart from the fact my daughter's father was really abusive and I made a terrible mistake by having children with him (I would never regret my children but only him). She supported me emotionally but she does not have the girls other than maybe 3-5 times a year apart from the Saturdays. When I was doing my first degree she told me I couldn't get a job until they were a lot older as she wasn't looking after the girls. I think she is worried in her own way about us, but I think predominantly it is about how she think it "looks". She has a friend who is extremely well off with children who have very good jobs and I haven't (yet) lived up to that as she said what will she tell people?

OP posts:
PourOnTheHeat · 19/01/2023 16:43

You’re an adult so you can make decisions, even ones your mum doesn’t approve of. She sounds old fashioned with the marriage stuff talking about being ashamed, this isn’t from a place of love and concern for your security, its to do with what people will think, which is ludicrous. And she’s making it about her. If she was talking to you through concern, it would be different. I’d be concerned if my daughter was in this situation, but I wouldn’t act like your mum is.

However, your kids are older and easier now and you’ve only been with this bloke 5 minutes really, is it a good decision to have a baby with him? I wouldn’t want to have a baby with someone I hadn’t been with very long. It’s your life though and it doesn’t really matter what people here or your mother think. You’re the one who has to live the path you choose.

ACynicalDad · 19/01/2023 16:44

Keep it, or at least make sure the decision is 100% yours. If you abort now and you ever regret it you will blame your mother forever. You sound like you are in a stable place with a house, a job and a partner who is there to support you, a lot of babies are born into far worse situations, this one only has to contend with an awful grandmother, who will probably love it as soon as she gets a cuddle.

Pumpkindoodles · 19/01/2023 16:44

She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

Grin Are you just a supporting actor to her main character plot?

Atsocta · 19/01/2023 16:46

Providing you would like this baby too
then it would be lovely to have this man’s baby and give him a child of his own
your mother is completely out of order, she wants to mind her own!!
how dare she … if that were my mother I’d have a problem confiding in her again.. ( not that mine would have every interfered ) and neither would I if my daughter.. congratulations to you both x

ter19 · 19/01/2023 16:47

How her 60's are going vs how she "imagined them going" is completely on her, I don't even see how she could try to put that on you, especially if she's rarely got your girls. Your body, your choice. You seem well off and level headed enough to make that call. Congrats on your pregnancy!

ToffeeForEveryone · 19/01/2023 16:49

100% not your mum's business to have any say in this. She sounds horrible.

Congratulations on the new baby :) I'd be rethinking childcare plans ...

SnowyOwl1 · 19/01/2023 16:50

Congratulations. Tell your mother it isn't the 1950's and those views aren't reflective of 99% of people living in the current day. Shame? I mean really, you are a grown adult, with a job, higher degree and in the process of buying a house, in a relationship with what sounds like a decent man, what's shameful?

Doesn't sound like there's a decision to be made here, at no point in your post have you said "I don't want this baby".

springerspanielpuppy · 19/01/2023 16:50

Im not defending the way your mother has spoken to you whatsoever but (as a 60+ year old mother) I reckon your mum is worried it’s going to go tits up and she is going to need to support you again. She’s supported you through a very abusive relationship and she just thinks your nice and settled, working, moving on with a masters, new home, new man and she’s gone in to relax mode and then panicked.

Shes totally out of order and can’t demand you get married or have an abortion ffs but when she says she didn’t imagine this in her 60’s I think she means the prospect of supporting you? Don’t underestimate the strain on a mother watching and supporting her adult daughter through an abusive relationship and the aftermath. Does she think she will be having the baby every other Saturday too?

I do hope you have a good relationship with your mum and she gives her head a wobble and apologises but if it was me I would be thinking what the fuck?

Soothsayer1 · 19/01/2023 16:51

She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me
Oh, I missed the ultimatum!
Nice one, the trash takes itself out
Just dont respond at all, ignore her for a goooood looooong while, see what she does, it'll be fun😎

SillySausage81 · 19/01/2023 16:53

Your mum sounds like a 1950s Catholic. Ridiculous nasty thing for her to say. Please ignore her.

georgarina · 19/01/2023 16:53

My dad said the same thing when I was pregnant with my first baby.

In fact he said the whole family was forbidden to speak to me if I kept the baby and if he found out they had, he would never speak to them again either.

I was sexually abused as a child and he also told me my abuser was now 'too good for me.'

It was so stressful I almost miscarried.

I don't have a relationship with him now.

The most freeing thing I've learned is that if anyone makes you feel bad about your life, you don't owe them a relationship with you.

madamovaries · 19/01/2023 16:55

Ignore your mother please and celebrate this wonderful news.
Sounds like you have a great partner now and have all the elements together to be great parents. Please enjoy this time!

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 19/01/2023 16:55

If your partner is supportive then that’s all you need to know. It’s your mums’ loss if she persists with this attitude.

anyolddinosaur · 19/01/2023 16:55

How secure is your job and how supportive will your partner be? Would you like him to move into your house? Has he met your children and if so how he is with them?

Your mother has no say in this, other than to say whether she will continue to mind your children. If you are happy about the pregnancy and feel you could manage as a single parent if necessary have the child. If you are unhappy or have doubts about support dont, you are young enough to have other children later.

2bazookas · 19/01/2023 16:56

Disregard everything your mother said. Leave the man out of your decision making. Ask yourself the YES/NO question.

Do you want another child.

LlynTegid · 19/01/2023 16:56

Your decision what to do about your pregnancy.

I wonder if your mum voted Tory in 2019- for a man who has had at least two children with someone who he was not married to.

Gymnopedie · 19/01/2023 16:57

Is your mother very much in the 'keeping up appearances' school? It sounds like it - her main worry seems to be that you're having this child 'out of wedlock' (as I'm sure she'd phrase it) and what will she say to people. However abusive your ex, you were MARRIED, so it was all hunky dory to her.

If you want to keep the baby do so. And tell her she doesn't need to say anything to anyone. It's your body and your baby and nothing whatsoever to do with her friends/bridge circle/next door neighbour.

TrashyPanda · 19/01/2023 16:58

I’m in the same age group as your mum, and I can’t ever imagine saying this to my adult DD.

congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for you new life with your lovely man.

this is your life. As long as you are safe and happy, no mother should wan5 anything more.

DoristheDuchess · 19/01/2023 17:00

Does she have concerns about your partner and is worried about you and the kids going through the same experience again?

What is her relationship with your DP like? have there been any issues with them now getting on?

Is she worried about the girls feeling upset after all they went through with your abusive ex?

It's possible that she's just really worried about seeing you and the kids getting hurt again and is in a really clumsy way trying to protect you.

Maybe worth letting the dust settle as emotions are running high. If you're happy then it's completely your choice. She may come around as she sees your partner supporting you.

CristinaNov182 · 19/01/2023 17:01

You can’t terminate a pregnancy because your mum doesn’t know how to tell her well off friend about it! Or bc she’s ashamed. that’s her problem.

there’s nothing to be ashamed off. You and your partner clearly are happy about it and ready to welcome the baby. You’re doing well in your life, and will continue to do so.

if this was another abusive man, there’d be reasons for concern, but none to do with shame.

as it is you can tell her it’s her decision what to do next, not yours. And what kind of grandmother is she if she’s really ready to cut out her granddaughters out of her life at the drop of a hat?! She can’t have much love for them (or you), you won’t be missing much.