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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My mum wants me to have an abortion

203 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

OP posts:
JussathoB · 19/01/2023 16:19

IMO your mother is completely out of order here and has no right to say these things to you. You need to take a little time to think and decide whether you want to go ahead with the baby, ignoring this input from her. If you do go ahead, your mother may well come round in future and love the child just as much as the other dgc. She may just be jealous or possibly worrying about whether you can cope with another baby to care for and support financially etc ( you said you have been in an abusive relationship before so she probably worried about you then, and now thinks she can’t cope if you start to struggle again due to having another baby etc). Not excusing her behaviour, just thinking this might be at the root of her current attitude.

Namechanger355 · 19/01/2023 16:20

You are 31 and have a lot going for you - of course your mum is talking nonsense. Do what you want to and ignore your mum

Slimjimtobe · 19/01/2023 16:21

She is very cruel
you sound like you are happy and in a great place in your life

your partner is happy

things are good! Baby will just slot into your happy home

keep a distance from her

lamaze1 · 19/01/2023 16:21

I'm sorry to say that if my mum said that to me (and meant it), I'd do her a favour and cut her off myself.

Congratulations op.

HallwayDoor · 19/01/2023 16:23

You sound like you are doing amazingly. Well done for turning things around.

Your mum is fucking nuts sorry, really out of order and she should be ashamed of what she has said. I would have to take her up on her offer of not seeing her again, unless there is huge back story and she thinks she’ll be providing childcare 5 days a week for you, even so it’s not what you say, you say congratulations or I’ll support you either way but I can’t increase childcare.

Who the fuck says get married or have a termination, so backward.

MountedbyHarryWindsor · 19/01/2023 16:23

Is there more to it OP? Are you expecting your DM to help with childcare for all 3 children? Are you mentally and physically healthy? Do any of your current children have SN that could compete with your attention or be a condition your new child could also have? I'm just trying to think of what could be behind your DMs thinking.

Lapland123 · 19/01/2023 16:24

once you are not asking for childcare from your mum, she’s got no business inputting into this at all!
I presume you and baby’s father will look after baby between you, so what had it got to do with her?!

cestlavielife · 19/01/2023 16:24

If you want a baby have the baby
Hire a student to look after your dc on the weekend you work
What is your future that you want ?
Her choice to step away . Her loss.
"Ok mum ." Dont engage. Dont explain.

Viviennemary · 19/01/2023 16:26

I thought you were going to say you were 16. Your mum is toxic saying this in your position. Its none of her business. Ignore her.

tara66 · 19/01/2023 16:27

You do not mention you are nauseous now so that's good and you will have finished your Masters very soon . It does seem a lot to take on but you must do what you want and at least partner is supportive.

Mariposista · 19/01/2023 16:28

If you have a full time job, a stable relationship, your own house and the economic means to support your child by yourself (with your partner), and won't require her input, she is being very unfair.

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 19/01/2023 16:28

What a nasty individual . It’s not about her. Is she a narcissistic generally?

Devineursula · 19/01/2023 16:28

Does your partner live with you?

amonsteronthehill · 19/01/2023 16:29

Your mum doesn't get a vote unless you're expecting her to look after your baby/children. Then she can 'vote' by saying she's not watching another one, but beyond that, she doesn't get a say.

Devineursula · 19/01/2023 16:29

OnedayIwillfeelfree · 19/01/2023 16:28

What a nasty individual . It’s not about her. Is she a narcissistic generally?

She may be worried. Worried about the OP and worried about her young GC

Fundays12 · 19/01/2023 16:29

OP your mum's behaviour is far from normal and totally unacceptable. It's your decision to continue with a pregnancy or decide to abort. Nobody can tell you what is the right choice. Equally I think you do need to factor in she isn't someone who is best placed to watch your kids every second sat if this is her attitude.

Newyearnewmeow · 19/01/2023 16:31

Well it’s a good job you are an independent adult woman who can make her own decisions without Mother thinking she can order you about!
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Ignore her, she sounds a horrid person.

aloris · 19/01/2023 16:35

When she says this isn't how she saw her 60s, it makes me wonder whether she does a lot of childcare for you. I see that she keeps the kids every other weekend for the day while you work, and also does overnight care at times. That may not seem like a lot to you, but it sounds like it feels like a lot to her. I must say, in my mid-50s, I find taking care of small children to be physically very tiring. Some women have a lot of energy for childcare into their 60s and 70s. Others do not. It just depends on each woman. If you add on a third child, and of course babies do need lots of hands-on care, it may just be that she feels it's too much for her. I would simply find other childcare for your 3 kids so that you don't need childcare from her. This should be something quite possible to do since your new partner sounds very supportive and most likely will be willing to watch the children on Saturdays when you are working and to otherwise do his share of childcare and support you as his partner and the mother of his child.

helly013 · 19/01/2023 16:35

The only person who's shameful in all of this is your mum. You're 31 and it's your life and sounds like you have a very lovely life to offer this baby. Your mums views are very old fashioned and I'm sorry but if someone is willing to give up their daughter and grandchildren, that hardly screams love, and what she's threatened is extremely hurtful!

Soothsayer1 · 19/01/2023 16:37

she's jealous because you are young and fertile
what a horrible spiteful person she is, ignore her

ClemDanFango · 19/01/2023 16:37

Sack your mum and keep your baby! Congratulations x

GloomyDarkness · 19/01/2023 16:38

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 15:14

My mum looks after my daughters every second Saturday while I work but other than that and she has emotionally in the past with my abusive ex partner which I really appreciate. Maybe 3 times a year she might have them for the day or while I go to the cinema but otherwise - no she doesn't support me in any other way.

We had disapproval every pg from both families - and when DH was made redundant when I was 6 months with last child suggestion from IL about abortions Hmm he'd a new job by time I gave birth - they'd deny it now. They came round with all of them and as we were financially independent and not getting or expecting any childcare - really was nothing to do with them.

DSis had similar disapproval - though two DP did turn abusive in pg - no real signs before and she manages as a single parent.

The choice is yours - what you want - I really can't see why it's so unfair to your existing children.

Your issue is this small amount of childcare - you either need to find an alterative not easy at weekend or try and change work patterns.

She may come round but it's not her choice - she doesn't get a say and frankly I'd be thinking like many PP about taking a few steps back.

OnlyFannys · 19/01/2023 16:38

It's not about your Mum she needs to keep her beak out. If you made the decision to terminate based on someone else's feelings then I suspect you would find that very difficult to come to terms with.

JanuaryBug · 19/01/2023 16:40

Your mum sounds like a c u next tuesday tbh.

I'd be done with her myself if she issued me an ultimatum like that. Does she provide child care?

Soothsayer1 · 19/01/2023 16:40

She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s
This tells us that she had a plan for you, for what she expected of you when she is in her 60's!
I'm thinking she expected you to be at her beck & call, instead you'll be focusing on your own children, that's why she's pissed off!