My mum wants me to have an abortion

[Pinkshamrock15]

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

I think you can only take this with good humour if you want this baby. You’re having a baby (if you want one!).

She will say her daughter is having her third grandchild and people will say Congratulations! What wonderful news!

up to her if she wants to grouse about the non existent problem of wedlock. Babies are usually good news!

Who the fuck does your mum think she is?

Please don't terminate a wanted pregnancy because of someone else's opinion. Literally the only person's opinion that matters in this choice is yours.

I'm glad your partner is so supportive. Your mam sounds abusive as hell.

If it helps I had a child out of wedlock, oh the horror. We've since got married and guess what difference it has made? Absolutely fuck all. We still love each other and support each other as I knew we did when we chose to have a child together. Even if unplanned, from what you've said it sounds like you and your partner are a tight team who will make things work.

Yeah your mums worried, she supported you previously and she does childcare for you (which is also support). So despite what she has said she has been a supportive mother to you, probably not always aligned on how things should be done but her actions are not those of a mother who doesn’t care.

From her perspective you are in the middle of studying, you are buying a house and your life is on track. Having a baby at this point with a man you have been dating for a year would probably seem irresponsible to her. There was a thread on here about why women got married before having children, all very sensible rational decisions. What are the plans, if you have a baby will he be moving into your house, split of bills chores? How much do you expect him to parent your existing children? What if he doesn’t step up? What happens then? Have you discussed finances and how he will share care of the newborn if he isn’t moving in?

Honestly if you were my daughter I wouldn’t like it, I certainly wouldn’t say it like your mum but I would definitely be having an “are you sure this is what you want” conversation with her.

She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.
Unless you want to live the rest of your mum's life obeying her every order, to ensure SHE gets to live the life she envisaged in her 60's .... 70's ... 80's ... ignore her. She has no business instructing you what to do, or undermining your decisions.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You're a 31 year old independent, adult woman. You have a partner who is thrilled about this pregnancy. The decision to have this baby is yours, and nothing to do with your mother.

How do you feel about it?

Is the children’s father abusive
or was it the relationship before that which was abusive?
sorry not clear

do you live with your current partner OP?

I'd be backing away from your mother and all the crazy! Her opinions are backward, her demand is abusive, and it's not about her anyway.

Make the decision that feels best for you, your kids and your circumstances. It sounds like your partner will support whatever you choose, which is great.

There is no denying my mum has been very supportive with my children. My previous relationship will have undoubtedly taken its toll on her and I feel extremely guilty for that. They're my children and I take responsibility, but shes never been happy when I've told her I'm pregnant. I just wish that she could be happy for once for me. She never wanted to look at baby clothes or items with either of my previous pregnancies. If I ask her to have them for a few hours to go to the cinema or shopping she automatically says no 99% of the time. Because of this she makes me feel dirty and filthy like I've committed a huge sin and makes me feel like I'm not in control of my own life. I love my mum very much and I know she loves me, but I also know some of this is toxic and there is a fine line between the two. My partner will live with me, take full responsibility for our baby and my daughters like him very much. His family would also be very supportive but its not the same as my own mum.

So you and your partner aren’t living together?

how much time have you actually spent with him as a full time single parent of young children with limited support?

This .

It's nothing to do with your mum, it has to be your decision.

As much as this is about whether you want the baby it’s also about whether you want a step dad for your daughters. That kind of decision shouldn’t be rushed and I wouldn’t want to be pushed into it be sis I was pregnant. But that’s your decision, not your mum’s

I'd be reluctant to allow my daughters to regularly spend unsupervised time with someone who has such toxic beliefs. Your DM will be indoctrinating another generation with her misogyny and shame.

Take your mum out of the equation, it's not her decision and she doesn't get a say.

But, how do you think your kids will adjust to having a new adult living with them and a new baby? That's going to be a huge adjustment for them given they're just recovering from an abusive home life.

It will put a huge strain on your new relationship and it may be too much too soon.

If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, tbh I'd delay your partner moving in until after they've got used to the new baby. That way your kids can bond with the new baby first and then slowly bring in your new partner. This may seem odd to some people but I think your kids should come first given the disruption they've already had to deal with.

Ignore your mum. There's never a right time. Congrats!

Honestly? She does at least 30 days of childcare for you each year and you're complaining she won't have them more? And saying that she makes you feel dirty and filthy because she won't babysit so you can go to the cinema is such an overreaction. She's completely wrong on the abortion thing but it does sound like you don't appreciate all she does for you.

My childrens father lives in Ireland and they do not see him at all. He hasn't lived with us since my youngest daughter was 2 years old. The girls already knew him as he is my friends brother and subsequently my daughters are friends with her children so they've known him a number of years now. We didn't expect the relationship to develop as it did - we have friends for a long time.

It does sound as if your mum has done & still does a lot for you.

Perhaps she is worried that you have "leapt in" & will be tying yourself to someone else for the next few years?

As for being married or not-she can have her opinion I guess!

Of course I appreciate everything she does for me. I saved up enough money so I could take her, me and the girls on holiday last year. What I am trying to say is that she reluctant to care for them at all and thats fine i will find alternative childcare.

looks like you being abused by someone else here.
wave goodbye to your mum. noone should ever make you feel like this or give you such a choice to make. that emotional abuse right there.
noone who loves you makes you feel shame and like youve sinned!
you did nothing wrong then, youve done nothing wrong now.

you havent answered others,do you want this child?
if yes then congratualtions you do not need anyone else thoughts or permissions. you go forward and have the baby. and it sounds like youd be set up well with a job and a father who wants the child.
no, its not been the longest time but sometimes these things happen. it doesnt mean it cant be fantastic!

so i ask again do YOU want this baby?

I think the responses are harsh here op and it’s not easy to have no father in their life in the past

I don’t understand why she’s not delighted for you now with someone special in your life

mothers can be very critical and harsh (mine can be critical and spiteful at times)

I would reduce the contact and do not rely on her for childcare but keep a relationship (albeit at a distance)

It's your mum who's behaving shamefully. How dare she try and blackmail you into having an abortion by threatening to cut you off. It's appalling and she doesn't deserve you. What kind of mother even does that?!

Do you think it a way for your Mum to back out of the regular baby sitting she does for you? As some grandparents get older they do not want to look after young children.

Obviously, the decision to have another child is yours alone and if she chooses to go no contact with you, that is not your problem.