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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My mum wants me to have an abortion

203 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

OP posts:
Innachu · 06/02/2023 09:04

Oh that is full of reason and understanding is it? Think she already has enough toxicity in her life already.
Do bother and try to read OPs full posts

Innachu · 06/02/2023 09:11

Happy to hear that, you are doing really well and although it’s not easy you are achieving great things for yourself.

BlueWhiteHat · 06/02/2023 11:33

Liorae · 06/02/2023 02:28

Don't kid yourself. She will make the same mistake repeatedly for the rest of her life.

Show quote history

Wow you two are fucking charming.

@Pinkshamrock15 use what your mum has said to go NC with her and stay that way. No one gets to call their adult daughter a whore for having a child not married. Anyone in the family asks or tries to play flying monkey, just tell them straight. It’s not your secret for her to hide.
congratulations again

Fundays12 · 06/02/2023 14:23

OP sorry to read how your mum treated you. You don't deserve that. You have a supportive partner and do not need your mum's toxic behaviour. Sending you hugs your life will be better without someone bringing you down around you as will your kids. My grandmother was toxic and I am so glad my mum showed her the door years ago.

anyolddinosaur · 06/02/2023 17:49

Unfortunately teenagers think posting crap on mumsnet is funny, ignore them.

You have a partner who is being supportive and you said his family were supportive too. Relax, enjoy your pregnancy and let us all know when the baby is here.

mrxrsx · 06/02/2023 21:31

Ignore anyone who wants you to do something that you don’t want to do.

kateandme · 07/02/2023 05:13

focus on your future now op. it sounds like she will only add pain to it. your having a child.it can and will all be well if you just lt her and HER views go. this is not what people think honestly its not

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 07/02/2023 14:35

@Liorae

How strange you've made an assumption like that based on a small number of messages I've made. I think I'm doing pretty well considering. You're not welcome on this post 😊

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 18/02/2023 21:14

Pinkshamrock15 · 07/02/2023 14:35

@Liorae

How strange you've made an assumption like that based on a small number of messages I've made. I think I'm doing pretty well considering. You're not welcome on this post 😊

OP how are you feeling now? My heart went out to you when I read your post.

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 15/03/2023 15:47

@Fundays12

Sorry for my late reply. Thanks for asking how I am - I tried to be amicable with my mum since my last reply but there's very little point. She rang me again on Monday whilst at work and started up another argument about how shes really disappointed that I'm pregnant and how I'll never be able to get a good job with 3 children or go on nice holidays or do anything in general. I repeated that I expect nothing from her including childcare and she said shes on thin ice in regards to disowning me. I went for my 12 week scan yesterday and sent her a photo which she ignored. Its made me so depressed since that I have now decided to explain to her that I'm cutting ties because this is so bad for my own mental health and well being. Feeling very sad and scared but I'm sure I'll be okay <3

OP posts:
callthataspade · 15/03/2023 15:57

Pinkshamrock15 · 15/03/2023 15:47

@Fundays12

Sorry for my late reply. Thanks for asking how I am - I tried to be amicable with my mum since my last reply but there's very little point. She rang me again on Monday whilst at work and started up another argument about how shes really disappointed that I'm pregnant and how I'll never be able to get a good job with 3 children or go on nice holidays or do anything in general. I repeated that I expect nothing from her including childcare and she said shes on thin ice in regards to disowning me. I went for my 12 week scan yesterday and sent her a photo which she ignored. Its made me so depressed since that I have now decided to explain to her that I'm cutting ties because this is so bad for my own mental health and well being. Feeling very sad and scared but I'm sure I'll be okay <3

I'm sorry to hear this update

To be honest I wouldn't explain. What's the point?

Whilst it was nice you shared the scan you have to come to terms with the fact she will never be interested. That's fine. She's made her decision.

I'm afraid you have to walk away and leave her to it.

Just for your own sanity draw a line and cut contact. It will make you so miserable trying to appease her.

She knows where you are if she wants to make amends. But I would cut her out for the rest of your pregnancy at least when you are at your most vulnerable and emotional.

Glad to hear from you Flowers

HallwayDoor · 15/03/2023 17:46

Homestly @Pinkshamrock15 no one should call there sighted a whore for being in a happy relationship and pregnant. You have tried far more than you have needed too. Please go NC for your own sanity as it sounds the tip of the iceberg. Your little family unit sounds lovely and you’ve done amazingly well. You owe her nothing and so what if she has threatened to cut you off. You will be better without her. She has said so many things which are over the line just one of them

Innachu · 15/03/2023 18:02

Thank you for the update. I’m sorry to hear about her responses. It’s hard to believe how cold and materialistic some people can be. She misses out more than you do.
terrible shame but nothing you can do about it, just letting go is the safest.
wish you strength!

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 16/03/2023 14:36

Thank you, going no contact seems to be my best option at the moment. The midwife has made a referral for me to speak to a mental health midwife, I'm not sure how much it'll help though. I really appreciate all of your replies - they clarify that I'm not overreacting or being dramatic. Best wishes to you all x

OP posts:
kateandme · 16/03/2023 20:59

This woman is the definition of toxic @Pinkshamrock15 .you don't deserve the words she spues out. She wants to demand and diminish you to keep you under her control.and she's not liking at all that your.maki g a family unit. That your "side" is getting.larger. or that your making rmthese decisions. Or there being less time now for her.less for her to control.and to bring you.back down she needs to destroy you.and take from you.
Don't let her.
Would you let anyone I uiur child's life like that.whst if they came to you telling you they were feeling like your mum makes you feel inside.wouldnt you despair for them. That's love.rhats care.that protection.
Your mum should be a support.she should be guide if she can but whatever you decide she should then be your rock.
Take yourself away.you and that.luttle one growing inside will only be harmed by her.

Sunandstars123 · 17/03/2023 08:14

Omg, it's an abuse and I would cut out mum from my life. Also, your mother has a right to life without childcare responsibilities, just count it in.

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 12:39

I haven't read all the posts on here, so am coming from the viewpoint of the few I have read.
I'm a granny, also a great granny and love my children and grandchildren dearly. I have babysat often and can tell you that the older you get it's very tiring. 'come on Granny, lets get down on the carpet and play cows eating grass' becomes impossible. When one runs off on a walk you just can't run fast enough after them. There are many other daily challenges.
Now I know that a decision has been made that Granny won't have to babysit the three of them, however I also know that these kind of rules fall into dust the moment then three of them need a babysitter. The granny will love her grandchildren and her child and in an emergency won't leave them stranded without help. Of course she will be called upon to help and help she probably will. I know exactly where she's coming from. The thought probably fills her with dread. Just when she thought 'I've helped them all these years and we've all come out the other end' than she's faced with another few years of it - years that she probably looked forward to being able to enjoy while she's still able to. A decision that she had no part on making but would possibly have a huge part in playing.

Innachu · 17/03/2023 17:32

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 12:39

I haven't read all the posts on here, so am coming from the viewpoint of the few I have read.
I'm a granny, also a great granny and love my children and grandchildren dearly. I have babysat often and can tell you that the older you get it's very tiring. 'come on Granny, lets get down on the carpet and play cows eating grass' becomes impossible. When one runs off on a walk you just can't run fast enough after them. There are many other daily challenges.
Now I know that a decision has been made that Granny won't have to babysit the three of them, however I also know that these kind of rules fall into dust the moment then three of them need a babysitter. The granny will love her grandchildren and her child and in an emergency won't leave them stranded without help. Of course she will be called upon to help and help she probably will. I know exactly where she's coming from. The thought probably fills her with dread. Just when she thought 'I've helped them all these years and we've all come out the other end' than she's faced with another few years of it - years that she probably looked forward to being able to enjoy while she's still able to. A decision that she had no part on making but would possibly have a huge part in playing.

And so Granny decides to call her daughter a whore and tells her to abort… ?

callthataspade · 17/03/2023 17:38

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 12:39

I haven't read all the posts on here, so am coming from the viewpoint of the few I have read.
I'm a granny, also a great granny and love my children and grandchildren dearly. I have babysat often and can tell you that the older you get it's very tiring. 'come on Granny, lets get down on the carpet and play cows eating grass' becomes impossible. When one runs off on a walk you just can't run fast enough after them. There are many other daily challenges.
Now I know that a decision has been made that Granny won't have to babysit the three of them, however I also know that these kind of rules fall into dust the moment then three of them need a babysitter. The granny will love her grandchildren and her child and in an emergency won't leave them stranded without help. Of course she will be called upon to help and help she probably will. I know exactly where she's coming from. The thought probably fills her with dread. Just when she thought 'I've helped them all these years and we've all come out the other end' than she's faced with another few years of it - years that she probably looked forward to being able to enjoy while she's still able to. A decision that she had no part on making but would possibly have a huge part in playing.

So you'd call your daughter a whore?

IHow about your granddaughters and great granddaughters?

My we are going for granny of the year aren't we.

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 18:11

@Innachu
And so Granny decides to call her daughter a whore and tells her to abort… ?

Could you point out where I said anything about that?

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 18:17

@callthataspade
So you'd call your daughter a whore?

IHow about your granddaughters and great granddaughters?

My we are going for granny of the year aren't we.

I was pointing put why a granny might not want to start with babysitting again.
I was also not saying she's granny of the year. whatever else she said or did, makes no difference to the fact that it's understandable why she doesn't want to start babysitting a baby and two other little children at her time of life.
Don't put words into my mouth!

callthataspade · 17/03/2023 18:22

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 18:17

@callthataspade
So you'd call your daughter a whore?

IHow about your granddaughters and great granddaughters?

My we are going for granny of the year aren't we.

I was pointing put why a granny might not want to start with babysitting again.
I was also not saying she's granny of the year. whatever else she said or did, makes no difference to the fact that it's understandable why she doesn't want to start babysitting a baby and two other little children at her time of life.
Don't put words into my mouth!

I'm merely pointing out this granny also called her daughter a whore

You can't cherry pick the bits you want

The ops mum is abusive.

But you defend her all you want.

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 18:37

I'm not defending her, I'm defending her stance of not wanting to start
babysitting over again at her time of life.
It is possible to defend the position of a person on a certain subject without having to defend their whole lifestyle you know.

callthataspade · 17/03/2023 18:53

dogmandu · 17/03/2023 18:37

I'm not defending her, I'm defending her stance of not wanting to start
babysitting over again at her time of life.
It is possible to defend the position of a person on a certain subject without having to defend their whole lifestyle you know.

Fucks sake. You think it's okay to call your own daughter a whore because you don't want to babysit. Jesus why not just say no to babysitting.

You're defending the abuse because in your view it's justified.

Honestly I can't stand defenders of abusers. You're almost as bad as them.

Actually no you're worse. Because you're masquerading as someone sympathetic.

Innachu · 17/03/2023 20:25

That is what her mother did, you are filling in on her motivations and feelings regarding childcare but missing a big part of the story.