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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My mum wants me to have an abortion

203 replies

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 19/01/2023 17:52

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 15:14

My mum looks after my daughters every second Saturday while I work but other than that and she has emotionally in the past with my abusive ex partner which I really appreciate. Maybe 3 times a year she might have them for the day or while I go to the cinema but otherwise - no she doesn't support me in any other way.

So will you expect your mum to look after all 3 of your children ?
I'm assuming this is what she means about her life 'being like this in my 60s'

MysteryBelle · 19/01/2023 17:55

A baby is never shameful. Congratulations and enjoy this magical time in your life.

Original poster
Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 17:56

I have no idea what she means by that and no I don't expect her to look after all three - she hasn't taken into consideration that we will have the support of my partners family and we would work together to organise alternative childcare if his family wasn't available.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 19/01/2023 17:57

catandcoffee · 19/01/2023 17:52

So will you expect your mum to look after all 3 of your children ?
I'm assuming this is what she means about her life 'being like this in my 60s'

Show quote history

Twice a month and 3 times a year is not that much looking after. Good grief, terminating a baby to keep grandma from having to spend time twice a month? That does not sound logical or kind to me. Grandma can choose to spend her life alone without her daughter and three grandchildren, that’s her choice.

OriginalUsername2 · 19/01/2023 17:59

Everything’s always about her, I’m guessing 🙄

You’re a grown up, she doesn’t get a say!

ThirtyThreeTrees · 19/01/2023 18:02

Keep the baby, get rid of her.

She's controlling, cruel and it's none of her business. You're an adult, make your own choices and if she doesn't respect them you are better off without her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/01/2023 18:03

You're mum needs to step into the 21st Century. What's she bothered about exactly Peg and Meg gossiping in the launderette. I guarantee, no one in the real world gives 💩
Any Grandmother who wanted my to abort their Grandchild would not be having any contact with the said child.

GotAnyGrapez · 19/01/2023 18:08

Your mum is stuck in time, tell her to stop being a miserable old cow and get with the 21st century. How dare she. Shock

katseyes7 · 19/01/2023 18:12

This is none of your mum's business. If you and your partner are happy, that's what matters.
My mother was like this. Told me when l was a teenager not to have children 'because they're nothing but bother' - I was an only child.
And then when l told her my husband and l were divorcing, she said "Is this because YOU don't want a family?"
No, it wasn't. I didn't want children because of the example she'd given me of motherhood, and because my relationship wasn't stable.
Distance yourself, love. I'm in my mid 60s and if you were my daughter and l knew you were happy, l'd be over the moon for you. Congratulations x

NumberTheory · 19/01/2023 18:12

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 17:56

I have no idea what she means by that and no I don't expect her to look after all three - she hasn't taken into consideration that we will have the support of my partners family and we would work together to organise alternative childcare if his family wasn't available.

She probably doesn’t believe it. You’ve been together a year and you have an unplanned child. She’s babysitting for you so you can work, not your DP. You don’t mention anything your DP has done that shows actual commitment rather than the promise of commitment. And I do get that you’ve just found out and you’ve only been together 12 months, but when you’re talking about a baby who’s going to be around for decades and the short window of time you have to alter the course of things, that’s sort of irrelevant.

I’m not saying she’s right, and I don’t agree with her telling you to get an abortion. I‘m just pointing out that from her perspective, it may seem like you float through life hoping things will work out and relying on her when they don’t. And she may be a bit over it.

Innachu · 19/01/2023 18:13

Keep the baby.
if you do this because of her you will be thinking about this for the rest of your life wandering who the little person would have been.
it sounds like you are doing really well, don’t let her get in your way, it’s your life and family

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/01/2023 18:13

Pinkshamrock15 · 19/01/2023 14:58

I have two daughters aged 6 and 11 and I was with their father for 10 years (after a very abusive relationship). Since, I have met a lovely man who i have been with for a year but i have known him for 7 through a friend.

A few days ago I found out that I'm 4 weeks pregnant which was unexpected. My partner has no children and is very excited but my mum is furious. She said she is ashamed that I'm pregnant again and not married. She said that it is the wrong time and that I'm being unfair on my daughters. She said that I either take the tablets to terminate or get married - or she is finished with me. She also said this isn't how she imagined her 60s.

I'm 31 years old, in the middle of buying a house and just about to finish my masters degree as well as working full time. My partner said he would support me either way and that it is entirely my decision and he doesn't want to influence that. But I'm so torn 😩. Is my mum right? Is it bad timing? Am I taking too much on? Is it shameful?

If you’re not planning on relying on your Mum for childcare or financial support then how does it affect how she is spending her 60s? Did she not expect to spend her 60s being a grandma?

GreenSunfish · 19/01/2023 18:18

If you have an abortion because your mum tells you too you’ll regret it. She’s not been happy with your other pregnancies anyway so no change. Do what’s right for you.

NumberTheory · 19/01/2023 18:18

Innachu · 19/01/2023 18:13

Keep the baby.
if you do this because of her you will be thinking about this for the rest of your life wandering who the little person would have been.
it sounds like you are doing really well, don’t let her get in your way, it’s your life and family

Don’t just keep the baby as a knee jerk.

Seriously think about whether it is a good idea to have an unplanned baby with someone you’ve never lived with. This is a big risk for you and your current children. Is it sensible to let an accident dictate the course of your lives? Don’t have an abortion because your mother has told you to. But do think if it might be a better way to deal with this so you can have the space to see if your DP would be the great father and partner you think he could be, before you bring another baby into the world.

MrsMAC1234 · 19/01/2023 18:21

I would always want my daughter to be married before having a baby however I would support her whatever the circumstances. I just don't understand your Mum's response, wishing you all the best.

Mammillaria · 19/01/2023 18:22

Escapingafter50years · 19/01/2023 15:30

A controlling mother like that is possibly part of the reason you ended up with an abusive man, the normal alarm bells don't go off. For your own wellbeing you need to distance yourself from her and make an alternative arrangement for your DDs.

Puppers advice is worth heeding. Whatever happens, I wish you well.

100% this ^

She can't control her emotions so she's trying to control your behaviour instead. Normal, emotionally healthy people do not act this way.

Growing up with unhealthy levels of control will have thrown your bullshit-o-meter out so, for this reason alone, make your decision based on what you want and what you alone could manage if you had the baby and the support from your partner and your partner's family did not materialise.

Phenolet · 19/01/2023 18:25

"Your loss, don't let the door hit you on the way out".

"If you are asking me to choose between you or my child. I choose my child".

Focus your attention on your children, unborn baby and partner. It sounds like you've got a good thing going.

Maybe your mum will come around when there's a squishy, adorable newborn in the picture. If not, that's her choice.

Also, don't let her continue to have a relationship with your older children whilst ignoring you and her new grand baby. She sounds toxic enough to cause issues through them.

dogmandu · 19/01/2023 18:34

Noicant · 19/01/2023 17:15

Yeah your mums worried, she supported you previously and she does childcare for you (which is also support). So despite what she has said she has been a supportive mother to you, probably not always aligned on how things should be done but her actions are not those of a mother who doesn’t care.

From her perspective you are in the middle of studying, you are buying a house and your life is on track. Having a baby at this point with a man you have been dating for a year would probably seem irresponsible to her. There was a thread on here about why women got married before having children, all very sensible rational decisions. What are the plans, if you have a baby will he be moving into your house, split of bills chores? How much do you expect him to parent your existing children? What if he doesn’t step up? What happens then? Have you discussed finances and how he will share care of the newborn if he isn’t moving in?

Honestly if you were my daughter I wouldn’t like it, I certainly wouldn’t say it like your mum but I would definitely be having an “are you sure this is what you want” conversation with her.

This - perfectly analysed and a thoughtful response

AnotherCountryMummy · 19/01/2023 19:47

Congratulations to you both! Ignore your mother and enjoy your news! She will come round eventually and if she doesn't... fuck her! Its your life and you sound very together xx

Thesonglastslonger · 19/01/2023 21:13

Well if you have to choose between your baby and your mum, I’d pick your baby, your mum sounds like a dick.

Congratulations.

louderthan · 19/01/2023 21:25

Massively well done on the masters and the house, as well as the pregnancy!!
Tell your mum where to go.

LouLou198 · 19/01/2023 22:09

If my mum had given me this ultimatum I would be going no contact with her anyway. She sounds toxic. Congratulations on your pregnancy op.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/01/2023 00:11

It's not about your mum, fgs! You sound mature, stable in all respects and more than capable!!!! You have a lovely partner who is supportive. Congratulations are in order!!!!!
Please celebrate your wonderful news!!!!

PMAmostofthetime · 20/01/2023 00:38

@Pinkshamrock15

Congratulations, no your mum is not right she sounds as though she has very old fashioned values. Your are making a life for you and your children and having a baby in a loving relationship.

If you listened to your Mum you will forever resent her

FictionalCharacter · 20/01/2023 02:32

Congratulations! It’s a real shame you have a mother who is trying to make your pregnancy all about herself, but you can do whatever you want and that includes cutting her out of your life if you need to.