Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 5

[Avocuddles]

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What a lovely pic @MOGMOGMOG85, great shot of the face and so nice that they used 3D.

Thats great news @turquoisebaby, I haven't had any bleeding myself but I can imagine how scary that would have been. Guess your stepdads chanting worked!

I've caught up a bit on all the posts and I can only sympathise with those who have been on the receiving end of insensitive comments. I can't believe some of the things people have said. Although in saying that I have actually gone NC with my dad after his behaviour after Isla's death, particularly the night before her funeral. I think he'd be referred to as a grief thief and definitely a narcissist. I wholeheartedly advocate being selfish and distancing from these people if you need to. Sadly, as well all know too well, life is short.

I've just been to get my hair done. First time since October, I had 6 inches off and my highlights done. I literally feel so much lighter and I can't stop swishing it about lol. Small pleasures!

Thanks for the welcome lovely people!
Just reading through some of your posts and @turquoisebaby something you said about tempting fate really struck me - I think it's denying me some happiness because my mum was always full of "Don't tempt fate" and it struck me this week that she was just living her life in complete bloody denial!
Also I don't believe in fate but then with pregnancy somehow I do.

I had a scan yesterday (went to one of those sonogram places that should probably have a pop up nail bar.)
All looked fine then got home and weird spotting. I don't even know if that's the right word.

Cried in bed deciding this is the end again.

I know statistically anyone that gets past 10 weeks has a good chance of getting though the pregnancy but loss is always possible at any time I guess.

My heart goes out to anyone working through this.

I don't know if it's an age thing (37 and this will be my first) but my younger friends, the ones with kids, just seem to be enjoying the pregnancy.
Not panicking lifting the cat litter or eating prawns will cause something bad to happen.

I might be totally unfair saying that, loss is devastating no matter when

@turquoisebaby Fantastic news!! I'm so pleased. My mum was praying for me all through my scans. And despite not being a practicing Catholic I found myself saying the same prayer in my head as I waited to go into both scans. So I get where your stepdad is coming from.

Really loving all the good news scans today. No matter what stage we are all at they are amazing to hear because we have all either been there, or are leading up to a scan and are anxious.

@MOGMOGMOG85 I did laugh at your comment on seeing the animated version of the family jewels! I barely knew what I was looking at most of the time at my scan but I did come away with a great picture of his mouth close up. I'm really hoping I will relax fully in the scan this weekend as I've been so anxious at the other scans I almost hold my breath entire time and sonographer always comments on how nervous I am. I'm always waiting for the bad news so find it difficult to really appreciate how amazing it is to see them wriggling around. I'd like to be able to just relax and enjoy the experience with my DH.

@valariesparx Was your scan yesterday an internal one? Because I've heard that can frequently cause minor irritation or spotting. I wouldn't worry yourself too much about it. Particularly if nothing has happened since. Xx

Oh man this thread moves so quickly! @turquoisebaby I'm so happy for you on your positive scan. What a relief. Your stepdad sounds so sweet too ♥️

@turquoisebaby yay! So pleased and relieved.

Not much to say here. Pretty exhausted after a day with DS. He's in a really hard phase where he pushes everything to the limit and is so naughty. I know it's normal and just a phase but it's exhausting and frustrating. I remember when I was pregnant with him I would come home from work in early pregnancy and say I was exhausted and just lie on the sofa - no chance of that these days!

@MOGMOGMOG85 love the Welsh names. We will definitely be having a Welsh name. Probably Osian for a boy and Betsan looking likely for a girl. Could all change of course.

@Seahawk80 how old is your little one? Mine is two and there's a lot of boundary pushing right now. She goes to bed at 6pm and I'm in bed at five past!!!! No exaggeration

@footprintsintheslow he's just three. I'd never want anyone to think I'm moaning as I do feel so lucky to have him and he's amazing but it is exhausting isn't it. I work 4 days a week and at the moment feel so sad that my 3 days with him are spent being "shouty mummy" and repeating I said no, stop that etc when I just want us to have a nice time together.

Oh I'm so pleased for you @turquoisebaby what a relief!

Ah how lovely @MOGMOGMOG85 and I love the name Errol!

@Seahawk80 sounds familiar, my DD is 3 and it feels like constant diplomatic negotiations over every little thing, it can be exhausting!

So I had the consultation this afternoon. He basically disagreed with the previous consultant and said DS although technically within the normal weight range, was at the lower end of it and that taken into conjunction with his brain to liver ratio being on the very edge of normal, and the pathologist comment that the chorionic villi of the placenta were somewhat immature, it was most likely in his opinion that the placenta wasn't quite keeping up with his growth needs. He also agreed that the cord being hypocoiled made it more susceptible to a cord accident so it could have been a bit of both given how suddenly it all happened. It's very hard as it turns out I should have been sent for a scan when I attended triage 5 days previous to DS dying for reduced movements (based on DD being small for gestational age, so having been scheduled for extra growth scans) and all I can think is if they had scanned me, they might have seen something was going wrong and could have got him out in time just so hard.

He said I will get an early scan in 2 weeks and if all looks as it should then, to start high dose aspirin. They'll do a detailed placenta scan at 23 weeks and then scan every 2-3 weeks from that point. If the pregnancy gets to that point of course. All feels very surreal and far off at this point. All pretty terrifying but at least I've got a bit of a plan now. And even though it's really hard, it feels in some ways a relief to have gone from a completely inconclusive post-mortem to having much more of a likely 'reason'. Just feel like I'm completely reeling now. A lot to digest. And makes it all feel so raw again.

Glad you had such a good scan @MOGMOGMOG85 and such a lovely picture! We can just stay on the fibroid train together, who knows, maybe we will have a section on the same day!!
So pleased for your positive outcome too @turquoisebaby and your story about your stepdad really made me smile. So great to read such lovely news!
Sorry your brain is a bit all over the shop now @marmitecheesetoast at least you have a plan now to focus on, and it sounds like you will be in really good hands. It must be really hard to have heard all of that, but at least as you say you have a reason now and a plan for your current pregnancy

@AnxiousLady1 it was abdomenal (I cant cope with the internal ones hence I waited to not have that) but she pressed so hard.
Weirdly glad to hear that someone else almost couldn't breathe during the scan. It's so hard not to be that tense.

Hi everyone. Firstly @turquoisebaby great news, so pleased that all was okay!

We had a 3D scan today, which I was really excited for! All was good, but I kinda feel a bit deflated now. My husband found the whole thing really stressful and triggering which I wasn’t expecting and it was really tough to see him struggling. Baby boy had been moving so much the hours before my scan he must’ve got comfy, and wasn’t in the best place to see his face and the woman jokingly said ‘he’s not moving much is he he must be cosy’. They sent me off for a walk and husband was very quiet. When I asked what was wrong, he replies ‘well he’s not moving, so it’s happening again’... he didn’t realise that babies do have sleep times where they don’t move as much and thought that, like when lily stopped moving permanently, that something was wrong. 😭 bless him. I did explain and when we went back in baby boy had flipped around so we could see his little face, and I could literally see my husband relax. Pleased he was rheee and that he did get to see him, but just didn’t think of how triggering and stressful scans must be for him especially when he can’t feel all the movements I do!

@marmitecheesetoast glad that you got some slightly more definitive answers from the consultant today and that there is a very clear plan for how they will look after you this pregnancy. Having the right team and having them on side is so important. I'm very lucky that my midwife is massively supportive, has suggested she might book me in for an extra growth scan at 32 weeks based on what the fundal height is like on Tuesday and has basically just been a bit of a champion. The consultant only sees me at growth scans because my previous losses were all early and unexplained. After the third loss I should have been referred for investigation, but my GP is frankly useless. I was getting ready to go back and fight them after Christmas when this little goblin decided to stick with me.

@Anon20something gorgeous scan picture of your boy! I'm sorry to hear that your DH had suck a tough time, blokes tend to do such a good job of being "ok" that it's easy to forget they don't get the same constant reassurance that we do once we're getting used as a trampoline/football pitch.

I'm officially swollen, which is annoying. I've been working really hard to keep my ankles looking... Like ankles, but today they are distinctly pudding like! Back to measuring a minimum of 2l of water and moving more tomorrow, I've had a couple of days of being tied to my desk which hasn't been ideal.

Glad that today seems to have been a positive one, hope everyone gets a good night's sleep, I'm off to put my feet up with some lotion on!

Turns out I can't really reach my feet anymore... Dh came in to find out why I was swearing... As soon as I got the foot lotion on everything was too slippery and difficult 😂😂😂

@marmitecheesetoast
That's very positive to have a plan. Do you feel more looked after?

@Anon20something look at his little hand up to his face!!!

Oh @Knotemma!! Hope your DH rubbed the cream in for you!!

Thanks @footprintsintheslow @Whiffle77 @Knotemma I do feel more reassured with having a plan in place and being under the care of a highly regarded specialist, but so raw and heartbroken for my son and feeling he’s been let down and could have been saved, all the what ifs are hard to live with.
He said I’d get an early scan in 2 weeks (I’m about 5 and a half weeks) then see him in clinic at about 12 weeks. What he didn’t mention was any sort of booking in appt but I guess at some point one of the rainbow clinic midwives will be in touch with me now? Maybe I should give them a ring next week. I’m very lucky that our trust has a separate rainbow clinic but I don’t really know how it works in the different system.

@Anon20something that’s a lovely picture although hard about your DH, I can imagine mine would have been similar in the circumstances

I’ve been feeling reassuringly sick, was up for an hour nibbling crackers at 3am much the DH’s delight!

@marmitecheesetoast he mostly laughed at me, which was totally justified.

I can't imagine having to go through a post mortem for your baby, especially when there are indicators that with intervention there could have been a very different outcome. Loss is always hard but to be told things could have been different is heartbreaking x

@marmitecheesetoast I've never heard of a rainbow clinic but that sounds marvellous to me. I know much more that's my midwife about loss as she's already said a few times they just aren't trained in it. But for women who go through it we read and learn up on lots of aspects.

@marmitecheesetoast a rainbow clinic sounds brilliant, I'm so glad you have access to that.

I'm really struggling today. I've had a few cramps and feel a bit tender and I've managed to convince myself I'll probably miscarry. I know it's all normal and I had some terrible cramps with my last pregnancy (and OK it didn't end well but it wasn't a miscarriage) but I'm just having a dark day when none of my usual distractions work.

@footprintsintheslow @Seahawk80 yes I’m really lucky my local trust has the rainbow clinic, it means I’ll only ever see the rainbow midwives (who also happen to be the bereavement midwives) and rainbow consultants, and they even do scanning in the clinic too, I think the whole thing is in a totally separate bit to the ‘normal’ maternity clinic. I think only the standard 12 and 20 weeks scans you have to go to the normal maternity bit. Will see how it pans out anyway but for me it definitely feels easier not to have to go through the normal mainstream midwives etc.

Sorry you’re having a difficult day @Seahawk80 I know there’s probably nothing much I can say to make you feel better when that anxiety takes over but try to remember that as you say cramps are entirely normal. Hope you’ve managed to keep busy/distract yourself as best you can. 💗

Thanks @marmitecheesetoast I know I'm just being silly, just a hard day. I think sometimes your brain just needs to protect your heart if that makes sense.

I'm about to have 3 weeks off work though so will have a lot of distractions as I'm always busier when not at work and by the time I come back I'll have had the 12 week scan which is always my nemesis.

Anyone else got anything nice to look forward to?

@Seahawk80 it’s not silly at all, completely understandable in the circumstances. 3 weeks off work sounds great, what have you got planned?
We’re seeing my in-laws this weekend for the first time both since lockdown started and since DS was stillborn. I’m feeling really quite anxious about it and not looking forward to it. They’re nice enough but we’re not close at all, and I don’t know, this probably sounds weird but I almost feel a bit embarrassed or awkward or something about seeing them now after what’s happened?!
I also feel so nauseous I think it will be hard work hiding that I’m pregnant so we might just tell them but say we don’t want to discuss it. I don’t know, it’s all so difficult isn’t it?!

@Seahawk80 Sorry you're having a tough day. I totally get that. I had several wobbles in the lead up to my 12 week scan. In that first trimester there was almost little anyone could say or do to reassure me, and the only way I could cope with it was keeping myself mentally detached from it all. Self preservation. I had days where I would have cramps all day (and none the prior days), and convince myself that was the end. I had days where nausea would entirely disappear and I'd again convince myself that wasn't good. I think the only thing that worked for me was limiting my Google intake, coming on to this thread to voice my fears and get some support from the ladies on here, and trying to keep myself distracted. Cleaning is my distraction technique of choice at the moment but in the first trimester I could barely manage getting off the couch most of the time, so cleaning went out the window. I got a good jigsaw puzzle to do and rather than reading Google or pregnancy books I went back and started to read Harry Potter for a little escapism. Appreciate JK is not exactly flavour of the month right now though 🙈

@marmitecheesetoast I feel exactly the same about my in laws! They are nice, but overly nice and find them suffocating. I always give the example that if I called my mum and said I had a cold she would say oh I've had a cold and your stepdad has been under the weather and not ask me how I am whereas if DH told the in laws I had a cold they would both text me saying sorry you have a cold. I just want something normal in the middle! I feel slightly awkward around them, I know they'd love another grandchild, DS is basically MILs whole life which I think is unhealthy. They have another son but he's a bit odd and single at 37 so I feel like all their hopes are unfairly pinned on me. You don't have to tell them you are pregnant if you don't want to. They may guess but I'm sure they'd know why you're not saying anything. I told DH I just can't deal with telling his parents this time. We will tell them either way after 12 weeks but I can't deal with any added pressure during these long weeks and I just don't want to talk to them about it. I can imagine all this must be magnified losing your son so late so do just do what feels right for you. I know the dads sometimes get forgotten in all this and I know DH has exactly the same worries as me so I'd never "forbid" him from telling them but luckily he knows they can be a bit much and agreed it's best not to say anything yet. I hope you manage to have as nice a time as possible.

@AnxiousLady1 I re read all the Harry potters in Jan / Feb around the time of my last pregnancy! Might re read some Jilly Coopers for escapism. I feel a bit better now. Cramps all gone and I'm nearly done at work. I think for me as the 12 week scan is where I've always had bad news (even with DS the scan was awful) I just find it so triggering and the further along I get although I have less time to wait I also am getting closer to an exact date where I've only ever had a bad experience so no wonder my brain is trying self preservation. I found myself on the Marie Stopes website at 4 am last week as I'd woken up suddenly worried that if I needed another TMFR that NHS would make me self isolate for 2 weeks before they would do a surgical termination which would be soul destroying.