Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 5

[Avocuddles]

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@tmc14 and @Sammilou2312 Thanks ladies! I only started weighing myself from week 14 as at that stage I'd no symptoms and no movements yet so I felt it was one thing I could monitor and have control over. Ive always been a little small but BMI was fine at the start. I'm sure MW will tell me it's fine, but as I've had nothing else to worry me in a while my brain immediately went that direction! From looking in mirror it's definitely bigger I'm getting anyway! Will let ye know if MW comes back to me and says otherwise.

I had the 20 week scan and everything is fine and healthy. Such a bloody relief as our 20 week scan was where we had the worst news last time.

We did ask not be told the sex and the sonography right accidentally said "he" twice. I don't blame her at all as it must be very difficult once you've seen what you can't under. Plus when she gave us the photo I think the writing is on the wall😂.

I'm kicking myself now as I was too polite to ask her either way as I didn't want to highlight her slip up.

What does everyone think? Boy?

@footprintsintheslow so happy to hear you had a good scan...I would agree that certainly looks like a boy lol. Beautiful clear scan pic xx

@footprintsintheslow Brilliant news on the positive scan!! You must feel some relief at having passed this particular milestone. I agree that looks like a boy to me! 😂 Do you think you will get another scan to further confirm?

I have a scan on 18 days with my lovely new consultant so will ask them. At least I can have a spurge in John Lewis now

@footprintsintheslow That's great! Definitely go for the splurge! You deserve it. 😁

@footprintsintheslow fab news on your scan, pleased all is well. I'm team green and have had sonographers say he and she through all my scans, as they all avoid saying it. Most of them are just better at telling you that 😂. While the scan picture does look like it could be a boy it could also be an artifact or the umbilical cord 🤷‍♀️

@footprintsintheslow congratulations on your little ?boy? !!! So pleased it was a positive scan for you and that you're passed a milestone that was traumatic for you in the last time. That must be a relief!

I have felt a bit worried the last day - I felt baby kicking a few times but very lightly. I still can't feel anything unless its low down, and my bump seems to have gone very wide, so I'm guessing/hoping he's just gone sideways and its reduced the amount I can feel. I was also very busy yesterday and then dropped asleep as soon as I got home so I didn't have much time to consciously watch out for it... have midwifes appointment on Tuesday but will keep an eye on it today.

I have a couple of questions because I'm aware I still don't know very much and 2 things occurred to me the other day!

1. When does baby settle into a position and find it difficult to turn again. I think at my stage (25 weeks) he is still able to move around quite a bit, but I know they kinda get stuck either facing up or down at one point and wondered when it is so I can do lots of forward open poses to try and encourage head to go down! I feel like he has his feet down a lot as I feel a lot of kicking there.

2. When does your milk come in? It just occurred to me the other day that I have no idea! Does it come in before birth or after???

Thanks! xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 they like baby to be in position by 36 weeks, if they're still breech at that point they start talking about stuff to either move them round or a c section, but you have loads of time!

On the milk thing... You can start leaking colostrum from as early as 2nd trimester, but if you don't it's not an indication of a supply problem. I've had maybe 3 drops in my bra at 35 weeks. You're "mature" milk is triggered by birthing the placenta and all the joyful hormonal changes that sets off (baby blues etc) so you're milk will generally come in sometime between 3-5 days after baby is born. But colostrum is absolutely all they need until then, if you're choosing to breast feed

Morning ladies, it's so exciting that we might have our first graduate soon, have been thinking of you @Rachael321

Today it's the anniversary of us finding out our baby didn't have a heartbeat. We had to wait another three days to go back into hospital. They were so hard. And today I feel so mixed. Because I'm so happy to be 32 weeks pregnant with what seems to be a healthy baby, but I don't want to just let that eclipse the one I lost. My husband is away for a few days so I'll be alone for both dates, but that's actually ok. I'm thinking I might go to the place we went for a walk in those in-between days and just remember it somehow. I don't know if that's a bit self-indulgent, but I feel that it'll be cathartic. Anyway just wanted to tell someone as I don't think anyone else in my life realises the dates, and I don't necessarily want them to be a part of it anyway. So sorry to dampen the mood, I'll be cheerful again soon! ♥️

@Hagster you know we're here for the difficult times as well as the good ones. These dates and reminders are always hard, you absolutely do what you need to to remember your baby. There's nothing self indulgent about feeling your loss and remembering how much you love that little one x

@Hagster there is no such thing as self indulgent at these times. Go for that walk, go wherever you need to. Think how else you can mark it if you want too. Buy yourself some flowers or order a take away, buy some fancy bubble bath to relax into.

We will never forget those lost little ones even with new ones on the way.

Hi all, sorry i've been quiet struggling to keep up with the thread, the first trimester sickness and exhaustion is grinding me down, plus I've been having some pretty heavy trauma counselling around how I found out DS had died, apparently I have some signs of PTSD around that. I have also been referred to the perinatal mental health team as part of the care for this pregnancy so will see how that goes.

I've been feeling incredibly anxious about a MMC or something awful coming up in the trisomy screening. To such an extent that I've shelled out for a private NIPT test next week at 10 weeks. It's not something I even worried about really in my previous two pregnancies. Oh to have that pre-loss innocence again. I'll get another early scan next week too. Hopefully baby is still ok and heart is still beating.

Sorry to hear you're still waiting @Rachael321 hope it's not too much longer now, sending lots of positive vibes

Well done for tackling the situation at work @MOGMOGMOG85 that must be a relief.

Glad you're getting your head around possible section with your low placenta @tmc14 at least you'll know for definite one way or the other soon.

Sending big hugs @Whiffle77 and @Hagster all the anniversaries are so hard. It must be hard with your husband away @Hagster but I don't think that's self indulgent at all, sounds like a perfect plan to me.

@footprintsintheslow what a gorgeous scan picture! I agree the sonographer could have just said he by default but it does look like it could be a boy, hard to tell! Glad it all went well, I can imagine how nerve wracking that would have been.

My first early scan was internal but next week will be my first abdominal scan since I went into triage with reduced movements and found out DS died. I'm dreading it as I know it will be really triggering, but equally looking forward to hopefully getting some reassurance.

I've also really popped out suddenly and struggling to hide it already... baby no 3 and only 3 months between giving birth to DS before I got pregnant again probably doesn't help but I just feel massive already Also all my previous maternity clothes are size 10 and I'm not sure they will fit me this time

@marmitecheesetoast "peer-loss innocence" is the perfect term isn't it!

There's no easy way to get through scans. But lean on us here as we all understand. Personally I was dreadful at the first few but I've gradually gained a little bit of confidence as we've gone along.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your support and I just know how you all get it. We all have these tricky dates. ♥️

@marmitecheesetoast pre-loss innocence is such an apt phrase. Here for you while you're going through this.

@marmitecheesetoast sorry you're having a rough time, but it's good (if that's the right word) that they have recognised that you need some support and have put things in place for you. Pre-loss innocence is definitely the right term. Hopefully scans will get easier for you as time goes on. At mine on Wednesday I was more excited than anxious for the first time.
I prescribe some mindless TV and a piece of your favourite cake x

I'm sending you hugs @Whiffle77 and @Hagster. Anniversaries are so hard. Whatever you feel that you need to do is the right thing to do. We are here to listen and support you ❤️

@footprintsintheslow that sounds like a very positive scan! It's good that you don't have to wait too long to find out the baby's sex. I'm not going to hazard any guesses from the scan photo - I am notoriously crap at being able to see what's on the scan :-)

@marmitecheesetoast I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for your scan next week, let us know how it goes. For what it's worth I have found it helpful to clear plans for the whole of the day of the scan and just have an easy day as possible without any other obligations. Is this something that is possible for you? My natural instinct is to try to be as busy/ distracted but actually taking the pressure off has been helpful .

I had my 20 week scan yesterday and all of the baby's measurements are looking good. The consultant confirmed that we are expecting a girl 😁
To be honest, I am really really struggling today. I feel bad for feeling so down when all of the important things (the baby's health) were ok at the scan. I just found it really really hard. It was in the same room as we had DD2's 12 week scan where we were given terrible news. When we were at that scan, the consultant asked a midwife to come in to the room, just before she broke the news to us. The same midwife greeted us yesterday when I was going in to the ward for the appointment. The consultant doing the scan was very kind and talked me through everything that she was seeing on the screen and was really clear. But then, about half way through the scan the midwife came into the room without saying why. I was so upset. It was exactly the same as had happened at DD2's scan and all I could think was that it must mean that something was wrong and they were about to give me really bad news. I just started to cry a lot. I explained to the midwife and the consultant and they were really sympathetic, but it was such a bad feeling.

Sorry for the essay ladies. I think it's sometimes the things that catch you off guard which are very hard to deal with.

@JuniperAndRose it's so strange to have all these mixed emotions after a positive scan. They must have given you an awful scare yesterday you poor thing.

I get so relieved when I have a good scan but then it's almost like I'm disappointed to have not got the bad news over with. As if it's inevitable and I have it still looming ahead of me.

I couldn't sleep and I tried to focus on the great achievement of getting this far and the baby is healthy and the chances are you and me are going to have a healthy baby in a matter of months! Hooray!

Thank you @JuniperandRose. And please don't ever apologise or feel bad for having mixed emotions, it's so understandable. I totally get that anxiety, in fact exactly the same thing happened to me at my 20 week scan but I was very lucky as the sonographer offered to move rooms when I mentioned the history, which helped a lot. The strength of feeling walking back into the first room really surprised me, so I can absolutely imagine how it was for you, well done for getting through it. I'm so glad they were sympathetic but that does sound really hard. And don't feel bad for feeling bad. You are a human being with feelings who has been through a lot, and as @marmitecheesetoast put it so eloquently, your pre-loss innocence isn't there to buffer against these challenges. You are ok being not ok. x

@JuniperAndRose I'm so sorry that happened. Don't ever feel ashamed of how you're feeling when that happens. I'm sure its happened to every one of us.

I've certainly had a few of them.
I spent my whole 20 week scan trying not to cry as the same consultant who did the injection for our termination for medical reasons scanned me in the same room.
Then when I went to triage I cried walking past the bereavement suite.
Then most recently when a lady unexpectedly birthed a baby on triage i burst into tears because my last birth there was no baby crying.
Pregnancy after loss is tough

I should add, the lady had no clue. We both had our curtains round.

Aww ladies I totally feel the same about that pre-loss innocence and those awful flashbacks, it just hits you so hard.

With Lily’s birthday a week today I feel a little lost and just, sad. I feel as though with baby boy just 3 weeks away now that she’s going to be forgotten 😢 My mind is so focused on getting this baby here safely, so nervous for my growth scan on Monday at the same hospital which is terrifying and we’re doing birth plans which I’m finding hard as I controlled so much with my birth with lily and it was lovely so scared at how this will go, but I feel guilty that even I’m not giving Lily everything this week. All feeling very real, but also like I have so much to lose. PAL is so hard.

Thanks for all the well wishes ladies! We have a beautiful baby boy who's so content and peaceful we are in love!!

Wasn't the arrival we had planned unfortunately!! Induction started on Tuesday then by Wednesday morning they could break my waters so was waiting for space on labour ward. My waters went themselves on Wednesday afternoon. All this time having frequent and strong pains and tightenings using paracetamol, dihydrocodene,
Heatpacks and a bath as pain relief. Managed to get space on labour ward on Thursday morning 630Am where the syntocinon drip was started and I started contracting. Used gas and air and opted for an epidural... epidural only blocked one side so was still in agony. Fastforward to 6pm babys heart is erratic mine is fast and we haven't been progressing and we end up on way to theatre for a section ! I was heartbroken felt like I'd let myself down and I could give so much more!!
Post theatre talking to Dr babys position was impossible, back yo back. Looking skyward and stuck!!! They had to use forceps during the section to get him out. Might not be the birth i wanted but at the end if the day baby and me are well!!!

Oh @Rachael321! What a hard time for you. Sounds like you did amazingly and I'm so glad baby is here safe. Congratulations!!!

@Rachael321 that sounds like a bloody rough couple of days, but so pleased he's here and well 😍 congratulations on our first baby of many for this group xxx