Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows - 2

[Avocuddles]

Just setting up a new thread to keep the 🌈 conversation going....

@fmturn be aware that once you get to about 6 weeks the lines on pregnancy tests stop getting darker, and can even start to get lighter (just google the 'hook effect') so try not to worry. I took tests obsessively every couple of days until 6 weeks then stopped when the lines weren't getting any darker. If you can then step away from the tests now, the fact they've been progressing until now is great.

@Aria2015 @Mimba1 I would also recommend therapy and mindfulness - both were very helpful for me.

My experiences over the first 7-8 weeks were very similar for both this pregnancy and my two failed ones - until the point I started miscarrying the symptoms were much the same so I found this one very disconcerting until we'd got past that point and had a positive scan result. It's so hard feeling that everything is out of your control - we all try our hardest but sometimes things are in the lap of the gods. I assume that my previous two pregnancies both had chromosomal defects which meant they were never going to succeed, just try to remember that a new pregnancy is a completely different egg, different sperm, different situation, and hopefully a different outcome too.....

@Aria2015 it makes a lot of sense that they don't want people to think that heartbeat = ok baby when you're at the point of feeling movement. I think that I'll have a little look at what's available but honestly I'm hoping to start feeling flutters in the next few weeks, though I know it might take longer because it's the first time I've gotten this far.

@Mimba1 I totally get the data thing! I'm an analyst by trade, so I can be really data obsessed. Luckily it hasn't crossed over into pregnancy too much, Covid19 on the other hand... I'm at the point where I'm only allowed to read the WHO situation reports every couple of days 😂🙈.
I agree that some mindfulness can really help with the anxiety, because sometimes giving in to it can feed it if that makes sense. I've got some brilliant yoga nidra audios that I use to get to sleep, as that's when my brain always kicks into overdrive. I think that the calm app might be offering extra stuff for free at the minute, but honestly if it's something you fancy trying out of just Google pregnancy mindfulness... The internet can be a brilliant thing

@Knotemma like you I can't wait to start feeling the 'flutters' and to have the reassurance of knowing that the baby is wriggling away.
I'm another one with analytical job and my whole life is spent in spreadsheets so I understand where you and @Mimba1 are coming from. I've been resisting setting up a maternity budgeting spreadsheet - I really want to but not going to let myself until we're past the anomaly scan. I found myself constantly googling miscarriage statistics and symptoms through the first 12 weeks, and like you was also obsessed with the Covid stats initially although now I've been ill I'm taking it all with a very very big pinch of salt as they clearly only capture the (very sick) tip of the iceberg....

For free mindfulness recordings I recommend insighttimer.com. My work has run a weekly mindfulness session for a while but has just announced that they're increasing it to three times a week (via zoom!) which is a great thing. It really helps to put me in a positive mindset to start the day and clears my mind of negative / intrusive thoughts.

Is anyone in maternity clothing yet? I ordered some maternity jeans from new look (good for me because they offer short leg lengths) which came today, tried them on and think they're going to be a game changer. Although I just look fat rather than pregnant at the moment, I'm struggling with normal clothes because my stomach is covered with big bruises from my clexane injections and it hurts if a waistband rubs against them. Hope that they make the coming weeks more comfortable though can't imagine I'll still fit in them in three or four months time!

@Avocuddles I have bought quite a few bits of maternity stuff. I've also packed all my regular clothes away, jeans and so on, because nothing fits. I've got two hareem pant jump suits today from Amazon, which are going to be a game changer. They were only a fiver each, so the fact that I'm going to have to take up the shoulder straps up a bit is ok. I'm all about lose, shapeless clothes for this pregnancy!

Another analyst over here! I have spreadsheets for everything...it can be a good and a bad thing! I drive my husband mad.
I find exercise helps me loads with my anxiety. Mindfulness and yoga too, but I have got very out the habit of doing those - I need to try and get back into it, but routine is all out the window at the minute.
Did people get referred through a gp for therapy? It's something I have thought a lot about even before this journey. I was going to acupuncture which was also very cathartic as I could be brutally honest with her and she was very soothing and supportive back, but obviously that's all stopped now which I'm finding hard

@Whiffle77 I went to a fertility specialist acupuncture clinic from my first miscarriage through to 12 weeks in this pregnancy. I'm going to go again from 36 weeks as they can tailor treatments towards helping with the process of labour / birth. As you say it was as much about the talking / whole holistic approach as the actual needles, I spent a fair bit over 9 months but it was a worthwhile investment.

Re therapy, I found a local private therapist who mentioned pregnancy loss in her specialties. We only went for a couple of sessions but it was incredibly helpful for us both and enabled me to articulate things I'd previously not felt able to share with my husband.

@Knotemma the jump suits sounds great! I'm short (only just over 5 foot) so think it won't be long before I'm as round as I am tall

@Whiffle77 I went and saw and an acupuncturist early last year, in an attempt to get myself back in track. That was following my second loss and I hadn't realised what a mess I was in until I went to see her. In our first session she looked me dead in the eye and said " so what youre telling me is you're working 50+ hours a week, not eating well, not sleeping, getting next to no exercise and generally feel crap?" It really gave me some perspective. I'd totally thrown myself into work to the detriment of everything else. I had about 8 sessions with her, which really helped, it's one of the most relaxing things I've ever done. I then found aerial yoga and that was a life changer for me. Totally changed my outlook, I had a reason to finish work on time and I had to eat well because suddenly I was doing at least 5 hours high energy exercise a week. The hardest thing about quarantine for me has definitely been not being able to get upside down. Photos for anyone wondering what the F aerial yoga is 😂

@Whiffle77 I got referred to Adult Mental Health through my GP for therapy. I did have to wait a few months to be seen but in the end that was good because I processed a lot of the grief I was feeling from the last loss before the sessions started. That meant that my sessions focused less on the grief side and more on confronting and addressing certain obsessive and compulsive behaviours that I do specifically when I'm pregnant. There is no 'cure' for the sadness I feel for my losses but I have been able to learn to recognise unhelpful behaviours and thoughts and how to try and deal with them or stop them escalating.

What I did realise from my therapy was, lots of my rituals and behaviours were just desperate attempts to try and feel like I had some control over the situation. Despite not being a superstitious person usually, when I'm pregnant I would label things, people, food etc... as either good luck or bad luck in regards to the pregnancy. It would affect where I could go, what I would eat, who I would see. The therapy really helped me with issues like that. I've managed to avoid doing it with this pregnancy which is a massive achievement.

That's completely how I felt as well @Avocuddles it was really comforting, and I found the whole process fascinating. I'm a very science led person, but also a bit of a hippy. Bought a book to do some more reading into it but not got around to it yet. The intention was to continue so I will definitely go back once I am out of lockdown if this pregnancy continues.
Thanks, I think I could do with some generally so may look into it - again, not the best time to be doing so!
Oh wow @knotemma they are great pictures! I can bet you are missing it! It's amazing what perspective an outsiders view can give you sometimes, I'm glad it helped you. I have a demanding job too, and it is easy to think that's just how it is...but actually theres a lot more important things in life.

Sorry @Aria2015 we cross posted! Thank you for your story too, I'm glad to hear you are having a lot more positive experience now. Again, it's so interesting to see how other people can view how we act...and how almost just knowing that can trigger a change.

@Whiffle77 I'm really missing the exercise and the people. I'm not normally an exercise motivated person, but aerial was totally different. It's a massive buzz, but there's also lots of mindfulness and yoga breathing too, so it's a great mix. You're so right about the impact an outside perspective can have. I knew that I was working hard and not really taking care of myself, but it took someone completely neutral to make me realise that it was at the point of being an issue. I'd love to go and have some more pregnancy focused sessions when everything calms down

Well that was the quickest scan ever! Literally in there for 5 mins and only got one rubbish photo! All okay with baby though so that's the important thing, they couldn't see the reason for the bleed, So that's still a mystery but it's been much less this evening.
She did say that the placenta is 'fairly' low but cervix is closed so I'm not too worried but I bet that will start playing on my mind until the next scan once the relief from this one has gone!
I will catch up with you all tomorrow just wanted to let you know all's ok. X

@TunnocksTcake really pleased everything is looking good, shame it was an in and out job, but at least you've got a bit of peace of mind. Sounds very similar to me, no evidence of any reason for it, everything looked fine. Not sure if I'll find out more from speaking to the consultant tomorrow, purely because the epu didn't mention cervix or placenta location

@TunnocksTcake great news!

@TunnocksTcake yay, I'm so pleased! Thank god for a quick scan, the long ones are so awful... hold onto that positive feeling for as long as you can it's absolutely great news! xxx

Re: counselling, I had some via GP after the miscarriage, and although I've had counselling before and always found it really useful this one wasn't. The woman had no understanding of infertility and kept asking me about IVF and she just really annoyed me. I found it just made me feel more isolated and angry, and I think at the time I needed to go through an angry stage. Sadly being pregnant again seems to have made me quite angry too, and I was angry last time I was pregnant, so my whole experience of pregnancy/miscarriage is just anger basically... did anyone else have that?

Since everyone else is ahead of me I have the benefit of asking everyone what it felt like at my stage! I'm only 4+3 (or 4+4, confused - first day LMP was 08/03) and I feel totally different than I did the last pregnancy, emotionally. Last time I was exrememly anxious from the start, checking for blood every day for days, and then obsessively looking at miscarriage statistics. Sadly I only started to relax a bit around the time I late found out the embryo stopped developing. Even though I only got to 8 weeks before finding out embryo died, we had started discussing baby names, I had been worrying about money and trying to work out the best move for me after the baby was born etc etc. This time, and I know it's only been a few days, but I just feel... nothing. I am not anxious, which is great, but I also just feel totally numb, or probably more accurately slightly sad. I am happy about the lack of anxiety but I don't want to feel numb/sad. Maybe it will start to feel more real as my symptoms kick up, I'm hoping I can relax before the 12 week scan I don't want to have to wait that long feeling like this.

@Avocuddles I wrote a review of window to the womb yesterday (in a moment of rage lol) and they contacted me straight away. They asked if they could call and the woman there was really apologetic and spent about 15 mins talking to me about my experience, explaining their training and experience, and explaining some of the things i.e. why the scanner spent 8 minutes in total silence (apparently they have to get all the measurements etc before they tell you what is going on as some women are so upset they just leave the bed and then they can't refer on to hospital accurately?), she also said because my diagnosis was pregnancy of unknown location it was particularly difficult to give too much empathy or reassurance because the whole point is it might be fine and it might not be fine. I did accept some of her points and I felt a lot better after speaking to her. She told me her reason for setting up the business was because shed had early miscarriages herself and she wanted to be able to offer a more positive experience of diagnosing that... she offered me a free reassurance scan, which is a bit gutting as now I'm seriously tempted to book one at 8 or 9 weeks and I'm not sure it's the best idea... although I'm still working at the moment and if I have a MMC I'd prefer to know so that I know to go home as soon as I start bleeding - I'm an hours drive from home so I need to act quickly and was able to last time. Mb I'm just justifying an early reassurance scan...

I keep waking up at 5am, wide awake and raring to go, then absolutely slumping some point in the late morning/lunchtime and barely being able to keep my eyes open. I'm out of the house from 7 til 5 and not able to even sit down for most of that, bleh. I did have a nap when I got in yesterday and it was bliss.

Also everything tastes of soap or metal at the moment its absolutely rank!

And that's my selection of random thoughts for the day - hope everyone has a good day at work/or not today! xx

Great news @TunnocksTcake really pleased for you! Hope you feel a little better today.
Hope the call gave you some closure @MOGMOGMOG85 I think it's normal to feel a bit numb, I keep waking up feeling very depressed and am not letting myself fully consider that I am pregnant. And then other times I'm quite open discussing it with my husband. I feel completely different mentally and physically from last time, but that's to be expected

Hi! Not managed to catch up properly, will try at some point today.

@TunnocksTcake really happy that your scan went well, and your feeling better x

@MOGMOGMOG85 I remember seeing a counsellor after my late miscarriage. She said what do you like doing, I said shopping, she said there you go buy a new designer bag, treat yourself with what you’ve saved! I was raging! How you compare my daughter to a Handbag! I put in a formal complaint.

As for feeling numb, I get that. I’m just waiting for someone to flick the switch in my head, to say this is real. But all I can say, gradually over the last few weeks that’s going (12 weeks this wk). I’m still anxious, but it’s short lived, and then I go numb. Friends have tried to get me excited, or when people say things (quite a few people know because of past),eg “ you won’t be working in October” I just ignore it, and change the conversation. My counsellor and midwife, say that it will come, but I just don’t know what stage, as I’ve not really had any symptoms. They think after my 12 week scan. Hope your ok.

@MOGMOGMOG85 I can identify with feeling angry. I've definitely had that, mainly after the miscarriages. It's my initial, overriding feeling. I'm usually angry at the perceived unfairness and for my second and third miscarriages I was angry at myself for getting pregnant and putting myself through the hurt of loss again.Definitely normal. I think it's one the stages of grief isn't it? Which would make sense,

@MOGMOGMOG85 I also felt very detached from this pregnancy through the first trimester - I think it's a natural defence mechanism. After two very similar losses I almost assumed that this one would follow the same path so it wasn't until I was well beyond that point that I began to relax a little, though I'm still refusing to believe that we might bring home a baby until we're past 20 weeks. Anger is a very normal emotion! I think I flitted between anger and a sense of blaming myself. I found this time round that being a bit more detached from the process made it slightly easier, I know that positive thinking is a great thing but did really struggle with it until at least 8 weeks in spite of trying to focus on positive affirmations and a few meditation sessions.

I'm really glad you got a quick response from Window to the Womb. I know the reality is that these various companies are commercial businesses but that's no excuse for a lack of compassion. My biggest frustration was the sonographers insistence that my dates must be wrong by two whole weeks in spite of explaining how we had had fertility issues and I was very clear within a couple of days. I didn't want congratulations, I wanted honesty, and felt that all she wanted to do was send me on my way.
Maybe see how feel re the scan - in your shoes o would probably book it in but cancel nearer the time if you don't want it. I personally was very grateful for my early scans this time round (although of course the reassurance was only temporary) but do think I only felt comfortable going because they were in a medical setting. As it turned out they were both positive experiences so would no doubt have been fine wherever they had happened, I guess I just felt better knowing that I wouldn't be rushed out of the door if things weren't looking good.

Tiredness is a good sign! I was definitely more tired this time around, it was probably the only noticeable difference vs the previous pregnancies.

@Whiffle77 you're definitely right that pregnancy after loss will always be a very different experience. My husband has been even more closed off than me and was incredibly cautious until we'd had a positive 12 week scan. I envy those women who find pregnancy an exciting experience that they embrace with naive optimism! This group has been an absolute godsend over this journey so far....

@TunnocksTcake so glad your scan went well and baby is looking healthy, it's great news.

@Knotemma hope your consultant catch up goes well.

Morning all, hope all is well with everyone.
Sorry to see some having bleeding, hope itanothing to worry about . Also glad to see of some positive scans!

Anyone else having bother with moods/hormones? Crying for no reason?

Worst I've had is after sex, OH was all lovely dovey saying things like "cant wait to be a proper family" and tears just started pouring out my eyes for no reason and I started giggling, talk about ruining a moment!!

Well consultants appointment went well, she's happy with everything risk wise, is booking me in for additional growth scans at 28 and 34 weeks for reassurance and putting me back to midwife led care, which honestly I'm happier with given everything that's going on. I feel like I've got more chance of actually seeing the midwife. Now into the 3 week countdown to our anatomy scan, so that's the next goal to get to.

@DressingGown87 that response from the councillor almost made me spit out my drink. Of all the ridiculous, cold-hearted things to say. Glad to hear that you put a complaint in!

@MOGMOGMOG85 I can understand the anger. I found out 6 weeks into this pregnancy that my third miscarriage had in fact been recorded properly, even though the doctor told me to my face I just wasn't pregnant. So I should have been referred and under the recurrent miscarriage clinic for additional support. I was furious for quite a while and it took me a long time to get past it, especially when the brilliant sonographer who did my private scan asked why I wasn't getting the care I should under the NHS (She works for the NHS as a full time sonographer). However as things progressed positively with the pregnancy that anger has calmed down. I do still have days where I am full of range though 😂🙈.

So pleased that all was well at your scan @TunnocksTcake - we just need equally positive news from @MissSparkles81 now!!! Thinking of you today @MissSparkles81 xxx

Afternoon ladies. Im so happy to report that everything is fine 🥰 No obvious reason for the bleed and measuring slightly ahead at 8+1

She said there was a wee pocket of blood still sitting there so I might have more spotting but she was happy that everything looked ok.

Only worrying thing was I had a temp of 38 even though I feel completely fine so just spoke to my manager who is going to arrange testing for me through occupational health at work.

So relieved and thank you for the well wishes 🥰

So happy to hear about the good scans lately following bleedings! ❤️

@Avocuddles I've ordered some maternity bits but not wearing them yet as we're isolating (so mostly in loungewear all day 🤣).

My belly is finally growing a bit, but it's Iike my middle bit is thicker and chubbier rather than a bump. Stressing a bit as I weigh myself every week and I've not gained anything at all so far each week until this week, I weigh myself this morning and I've gained 1kg (2.2 pounds) in 1 week!!! That is loads! Bit worried the weight gain is going to continue this trajectory 😅 I've ordered stretch mark oils to start rubbing in to prevent.

Anyone else noticing body changes this week? I am 15 weeks.