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Original poster

Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

225 replies

VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:09

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
haverhill · 27/05/2019 10:13

That’s upsetting OP. 20 is old enough not to behave like a insensitive brat. However, my guess is he’s panicking and shocked. Not an excuse but a reason. If he hasn’t checked his head in a few days, you have every reason to get very angry with him.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 27/05/2019 10:16

You need to speak to your DH about this.

Why his adult son who works getting pocket money?!

lavtriesagain · 27/05/2019 10:16

I can understand he may be shocked and that’s causing this reaction, but he’s old enough now to know that this isn’t the way to behave. Your husband needs to have a serious word with him. He’s an adult.

Andrea91 · 27/05/2019 10:16

I'd confront him in a calm manner. To check his attitude remind him he is an adult. My step son lives with us and luckily he is happy with news. But definitely I'd say something as it will just bubble up and you'll explode saying something you regret.

Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:19

Thanks Haverhill, yes I think he must just be shocked. It's just hard, maybe because I am a bit more emotional than usual!

love the username hormones! It's a long story but basically his other son who is 24 got a small allowance because he went to Uni and could only work a limited number of hours. When the younger one (the 20 yr old) left school he was doing an apprenticeship so he got an allowance too but when he quit college and apprenticeship and got a FT job it didn't stop. I know it's ridiculous!! We have fought about it previously but sometimes I just leave it because it's not worth the fight.

OP posts:
Cosmogirl86 · 27/05/2019 10:22

His father needs to have a chat. It is completely out of line

Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:24

Husband is out walking the dog so I might go and find him and have a chat out of the house.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 27/05/2019 10:27

First of all, a 20 year old in full time employment should be paying a contribution to household bills, not being given fucking pocket money!
Second of all a 20 year old adult should know how to behave and interact with other adults. He’s behaving like a bratty 5 year old. Actually, scratch that, I’ve known 5 year olds to handle news like this with far more grace.
I think he should get a few days to reflect on what an unspeakable little twat he is, and if he can’t get over himself he will need to move out. Babies need their parents to house them, 20 year olds don’t.
Your husband absolutely has to back you up on this, or his sons shitty behaviour will poison your pregnancy and your marriage.

CarolDanvers · 27/05/2019 10:27

When he pointed at your stomach and said that about his Dad paying, I would have said "wow, what a disgusting thing to say, it's probably best if you and I have a bit of distance until you can speak to me decently" and walked out. No way on earth would I accept this kind of response without challenging it. He sounds like a complete oaf. Stand up for yourself OP!

rainbowstardrops · 27/05/2019 10:29

I agree with CarolDanvers.

I'd have pulled him up on it there and then. He's acting like a spoilt little brat.

Congratulations by the way! Thanks

blackcat86 · 27/05/2019 10:32

There is no excuse for him to be so rude to you in your own home ever. DH needs to start sticking for you and making it clear this is unacceptable rather than tip toeing around his adult son. If ex wife is supportive could the 3 of you sit down with your DSS and present a united front that you all appreciate this may be a change for him, but he's an adult who I'm sure is developing his own life and that his parent expect him to act in an adult way. I doubt they wanted to raise a spolit little brat. He needs to get on board with at least the basics of politeness or get out.

Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:32

He is up in his room now but there is a lot I want to say to him when he comes down. It's hard because I felt really excited until yesterday and now I feel like there is a big cloud over my house.

You're all right though I need to speak to both of them and stick up for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:34

Thanks rainbow :)

@blackcat - that's a good idea, it may have to be on the phone though as his mum lives about 4 hours away in the car. She's a reasonable person though and I'm sure she'd be as disgusted as I am about what he has said so far.

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 27/05/2019 10:37

He needs to be told to stop being so rude about it, he has no right to be unkind so the little digs are out of order.

Saying that though, it does affect him and it will have an impact, you can't expect him to automatically be happy about it just because it's your first baby.

I'd moved out of home and was pregnant myself at 20, but I'd still have been pretty horrified if my Mum had told me she was expecting again. 20 is still young, and it sounds like he's been led to believe that he can expect financial support from his Dad. Rightly or wrongly, I can understand him being unsettled by the façt that that is likely to change, along with his position in his family. He probably just needs some reassurance that his relationship with his dad won't change.

TheVanguardSix · 27/05/2019 10:38

Sounds like his mum has issues with you and your DH is protecting his former family's feelings rather than wholly sticking up for you. If telling her about the pregnancy will upset her, then there's unresolved stuff there. That really sucks. I was DH's second wife and a lot of the joy was sucked out of my pregnancy with our first child together by DH's family (and he didn't even bring stepchildren into the marriage!). But it sounds like, deep down, stepson sees dad as his cash cow and your DH carries around unwarranted guilt and deals with this by giving into his son's/sons' whims and needs. All of this is to keep the former little lady happy and the sons from resenting him (I'm sure they already do. If they had any self-respect and respect for their father, they wouldn't accept money from dad at their ages. Ok, so 20 is still young and an allowance would be understandable if he weren't working FT).

Thank goodness your stepsons are adults. I know this sounds a bit harsh but at least they'll be off living their own lives soon enough. It would be really tough if they were like 14 years old and totally dependent on you guys.

What's he up to, work-wise, the 20 year old?
I have a 17 year old, whom I adore, but I really don't think it's good for these young guys to be living at home in their 20s. So much dependency and resentment builds up. But the big, wide world is unaffordable, so they're kind of stuck at home. Does he have a long-term plan?

Dippypippy1980 · 27/05/2019 10:44

How shockingly rude.

I would be concerned about the person this man is becoming. This is his little brother or sister.

Your husband needs to take a firm stand with this man. He is not five years old. It is of course understandable that it might be a bit disconcerting when the family dynamic changes, but a twenty year old man should be able to fake a smile and a congratulations until he has adjusted.

If i has behaved like this at that age both my parents would have been deeply dissolved in me, and my dad would have hit the roof. Quite rightly.

Dippypippy1980 · 27/05/2019 10:44

Oh and congratulations!!!!!!!

sincethereis · 27/05/2019 10:48

20 years is a massssivvveeee age gap.

He probably wasn’t expecting it at you and DH ages.

Lucylou321 · 27/05/2019 10:50

What a nasty little (adult) brat. He's old enough to know better I certainly wouldn't be having him under my roof behaving like that. You need to have serious words with them both! Congratulations on your pregnancy, no one has the right to ruin this time for youSmile

Dippypippy1980 · 27/05/2019 10:51

Shes in their thirties😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Women over twenty nine have been known to get pregnant

Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:51

@thevanguard - I'm not sure where you got that his ex has issues with me? We all get on well.

He works in a local factory place and by all accounts enjoys it and has made some good friendships etc.

@nails - I totally get that, he is going to feel unsettled etc. His dad has reassured him a few times since we told him yesterday.

OP posts:
Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:52

@sincethereis

I'm mid thirties and husband is mid 40's but okay

OP posts:
Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:53

Thanks @dippy :)

OP posts:
sincethereis · 27/05/2019 10:54

Yes. I get that but is very usual to have a twenty age gap. That’s not sibling territory anymore. They won’t really have a sibling relationship more dad and son iyswim

Whatevermission · 27/05/2019 10:55

I can't believe people excusing this guy's behaviour because he might be shocked. So what. He is 20 years old. He needs to stop being so goddamn rude. Right now. Or get the hell out of your house. Disgusting immature wanker

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