Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

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I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

Tiptoeing in to give an opinion that I'll probably get roundly shot down for....

My Dad and his wife had their first baby when I was 17. I reacted badly. She had said she didn't want kids so it came as a massive shock and I was still dealing with stuff from my parents' divorce. I said some things that I'm not proud of and acted like a total brat. I am ashamed of this and have apologised many times in the past 15 years. Different situation in that I didn't live with them but I'm sure people told her I was too old to be acting the way I did.

I think at whatever age you are it is hard to accept things with your parents and it can make you act like a child. I'm not in any way trying to excuse his behaviour, and hopefully he will also one day look back and realise what an unpleasant brat he's being. As for your husband, I can't imagine the position he's in, he's probably also shocked at his son's reaction but as his father he has a different relationship and may be dealing with other feelings related to his relationship with his sons' mother.

I know it is going to be hard but I would try to accept that this is how your SS feels right now, he may never change his mind/behaviour but that doesn't change the fact that you are having a baby and it is an exciting and wonderful time. Don't let this take away from your shine but distance yourself from your SS until he can be happy for you - and make it clear that you are doing so. Congratulations, and good luck!

I'm off to apologise to my step-mum again 🙈

I am sorry about his reactions. I can imagine you feel upset. My parents had my brother when I was 17. Didnt like it at all when I heard about the pregnancy. I needed my mum, she had little time for me and now a new baby was going to take away even more of her attention. Since I come from a dysfunctional family, my fears indeed came true. It was all about my brother since he has been born. I love him so much, he is by far my favourite sibling, but I can somehow understand your DSS reaction. Esspecially because your baby is going to be a half sibling. I am sorry to sound so harsh OP but it does make a difference if a new member of the family has a stepparent as the mother/ father.

About the financial benefits your DH is providing to his son: as long as he is using his own money, its not your business. His son, his money.

Perhaps your DSS has felt some of your resentment about this and is now extra wary of defending his place in what is not only your home, but his fathers as well.

Give the boy some time, 20 might be mature enough for girls, boys mentally grow up a bit later.

And congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope all goes well for you

about the financial benefits your DH is providing to his son: as long as he is using his own money, its not your business. His son, his money

I genuinely don't understand this view point. They are a married couple. There's no such thing as his and her money. There's only our money. My husband and I don't even have our accounts, it's joint account only.

Me and my husband have seperate accounts.
I live abroad and dont have a job. I have a lot of savings though. Its my back up for a rainy day aka divorce.

I have lived with an ex who made considerable debts behind my back and learned my lesson.
Oh and if I ever get divorced and remarry, no way that new DH gets to say what I do with my money as long as it doesnt affect him.

My point of view might not be very romantic but its keeping me safe. Why do you think prenups exist? I really dont understand people who are unconditionally share all their assets.

Honestly I would struggle to think rationally after being asked if I was planning to keep the baby. Incredibly disrespectful and seems he's trying to be intentionally hurtful.

I don't have any advice for you other than that your DH really needs to get across that this level of disrespect is not going to be accepted and that there is no promise of inheritance whether or not there is a new baby.

Whaf a fucker. To dismiss you and then to laugh and joke with his brat of a son? Total cock.

I would be rethinking this relationship. While of course children come first when younger, in this case he has not parented his ds only allowed him to live rent free as a mate. You have yourself and your dc to think on now, more importantly so as your husband isn't.

Oh goodness.

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.

Everything is so vivid and heightened when you are pregnant. Everything is focussed and magnified and centred on your baby.

However 20 years old is still a raw young age. Gauche, not mature. His Mum has moved away, and for all those yelling ‘kick him out’ that’s exactly what he fears. You are having a baby, with his Dad, he is now the big baby cuckoo and knows / fears he will be ousted. He is being replaced as youngest of his Dad’s children. He has had one home dismantled due to divorce.

Your DH obviously recognises his insecurities. And if he supported one son financially through Uni it isn’t such a bad thing to show fairness by supporting the other into adulthood in under same way. This son seems to have struggled more. He was younger when his parents divorced.

Of course your DH needs to have a serious chat with him, re-assure him but also let him know he needs to not take out his insecurity by lashing out at others: you.

Your DH needs to find his emotional
Literacy and his ability to communicate with both you and his son... but I am not sure what to suggest.

A family conference? All sit down and talk about how you are feeling?

Op I’m sorry about what you are going through.

However I don’t think your SS reaction is that unusual. I was 16 when my mum got pregnant. My first reaction was oh no, now we can’t go on holiday in the summer (her due date) & how embarrassing. Sadly she lost the baby & I’m so ashamed of how I behaved at the time. I think it’s probably something similar.

Your dhs reaction to his son I can also understand. He’s wanting to reassure him that he still loves him & that won’t change with the baby etc. I think you all need to have a calm chat.

Also older people react in similar ways - mil asked sil if she was keeping niece when told she was pregnant. Sil said yes, mil said get rid.

I forgot to say congratulations!

Young men generally are not that keen on babies, in my experience

Sunrise “We haven't seen either of them for a number of years now since they both cleared off and want nothing to do with us”
And are you OK with that? I suppose you have your new babies now.... which is exactly what they knew would happen and were reacting to.

Do you feel any understanding of the honest posting by GiraffeMomma and Bee?

The new baby is all. They see themselves supplanted. They are being supplanted. Look at the chorus of ‘kick him out’.

Maturity and transition from feelings about being a child do not arrive neatly gift packed on your 18th birthday.

since there's a 21 year age gap between me and my sister. I managed to react to the news in a mature and adult way even though my step mum treated me terribly.

He's being incredibly childish and needs to grow the fuck up.

Maturity and transition from feelings about being a child do not arrive neatly gift packed on your 18th birthday.

He can feel what he likes but it's really shocking to me that he would ask "are you keeping it" to his stepmother. That is quite an evil thing to say to any pregnant woman regardless of how you feel about her or the new baby.

Your SS is being an immature dick and your DH is enabling it. I am outraged on your behalf!

@cosmogirl86 I know where you are coming from as my husband and I are the same, we share everything and only have joint accounts but neither of us need consult each other on spending and if he or I had children from a previous marriage I would fully expect things to be slightly different. I'd expect him to love his other kids as fiercely and unconditionally as he did ours as I would with my kids that weren't fathered by him and if he didn't I'd think we were all disposable to him. I'd never change the way he or I treated our kids. I know people think 20 year olds shouldn't be financially supported but I was whilst at uni then, my brother was and has lived with them for a while in adult life whilst saving for his dream home, my parents paid for our wedding, we were gifted house deposits and even now they treat us where they can.... I fully appreciate this and as my kids grow I will be the same. If my parents split up I could not see the way they treat us changing at all, I don't feel entitled to the help/support we've had nor would I be bratty about it but if say my dad married someone just 10 years my snr and then all of a sudden he didn't come round with take out on a Tuesday as he always has or pay for the kids big birthday day out as he always has and the reason was because he had a new wife and its her money now too then that'd hurt and it'd be nothing to do with the money itself, but more that he'd be saying you have dropped down the pecking order to me now I have a new family. OP clearly has not been the wicked step mum, refusing to have him in her home and cutting him off completely but I dont get those trying to encourage her to be. He's been totally out of order and should be pulled up on it and stopped but in my opinion if I divorced my husband and 10 years down the line I am pregnant with my new husbands child and my 20 Yr old wants to live with me but doesn't take my baby news well... I'd deal with it, but not by rejecting him and throwing him out. When it comes to my children they will always have a home with me and I feel sad for anyone who would challenge that, especially a second husband because I 100% would not pick a man over my kids so it wouldn't end well if he started throwing ultimatums around.x

He is being an immature dick, it was a terrible thing to say.

But doubtless his Dad wants to handle it in a way that re-assures him and guides him into a more mature acceptance.

IMO that is what is needed: talk, boundaries, face the tough stuff, understand sensitive feelings all round,

Not just ‘kick him out / turn on him’.

The OP’s DH is being weak in this. He won’t want to lose his Ds, as Sunrise above lost her Ddse, but he needs to find a way that isn’t just weakly ‘being mates in the sofa’.

And in his last k if ability to rise to the full impact of all this, the DH is probably feeling that the OP wants him to throw his Ds under a bus and isn’t thinking if his son as much as he is.

That’s why I think some discussion with empathy for everyone’s feelings is important.

He's behaving like a child because he is treated like a child. He lives at home, on a full time salary and still gets pocket money! Your husband is a total fool to be enabling this behaviour.

Firstly, congratulations, and I Completely agree with TheRedBarrows. He's 20, that's still young. His mum moved away, he's feeling rejected and replaced, still finding his own place of where he fits in. He's scared he'll be kicked out to make way for baby, his whole family unit at the moment is up in the air and heightened as fear. OP is angry that husband and SS were playing PlayStation when she came home? Perhaps that bit of one on one bonding is exactly what they both needed? I don't think going back to your sisters makes things better, it's acting in the same way SS is. You need to give it a couple of days, then sit all together and take turns with no interruptions at discussing how you all honestly feel. No blame games, just an adult discussion. I guarantee you DH will also have anxiety over being a new dad 20 years on from his last and how that will change his relationship.

Thanks everyone for all your replies and congratulations.

Just to clear up a few bits - SS has been planning on getting a flat with a friend since last year when his mum and her partner bought their house a few hours away. When he hadn't found somewhere by Xmas and his Mums moving day was looming, we of course said he could stay with us whilst he looks / saves / makes decisions etc. It was always very temporary in all of our eyes. We both offered to help him with his deposit as well. He is not being ousted because of the baby. I genuinely thought he would be moved out before we had to tell him but he hasn't so we have told him. Wish we hadn't now but there you go!

Although the actual news of it being real is obviously a shock to him, he has asked me probably 20 times in the last couple of years if me and his dad will have kids and I have always said "yes, one day".

To the person saying his son his money, not my business. I agree. We have a joint account for all household expenses but the rest our of our wages is ours. He can give his son as much as or as little as he wants, it makes no difference to me.

Anyway, I got a text from SS last night saying "Sorry if your upset". I had to stop myself replying because I was quite angry. I know its a sorry but sorry IF your upset isn't the same as "I'm sorry for what I said and that it has upset you". Nothing from husband.

Booked a hotel near work for tonight. I can't actually see a way out of this right now, I can't imagine husband having a proper chat with SS and I'm currently not planning on budging and forgiving all.

Why don't you ask you DH and SS for the 3 of you to sit round a table and have a chat. You can calmly tell the SS how much he upset you and see how your H and SS reacts. They are both adults (apparently!) and need to be given the chance to behave like one. If they don't then decision made

You seem annoyed he was laughing and joking with his son on the sofa after he says he had already had a chat with him about it. What do you want him to do, hold a grudge and not speak to his son for days, maybe weeks? DSS is obviously worried about being pushed out (not literally out of the house, but replaced in his dad’s affections). By spending some time with him bonding, surely he is reassuring him that the new baby won’t change anything.

When you have your own child, you will probably realise that they tend to do and say things, you have a chat about it and then you move on. I wouldn’t act moody for ages after DC and I have put an issue to bed. I understand it can seem like you aren’t being supported, I had DSC live with me and it was a nightmare. DH was much quicker to forgive as he loved them, I do not. That’s just how it is. I would draw a line under it and move on, making it clear that you have forgiven this as him being a bit in shock but you expect any future incidents to be dealt with more punitively.

A lot of people find it difficult to say sorry- so perhaps it’s a start.

I hope you get this sorted op and your husband realises what an arse he’s being

Prayings advice is probably right, a 3 way sit down, where you say how hurt you were and that you will not live in a house with that level of disrespect.

If you start interfering with the money he gets from his dad then i can see why he would be annoyed. That has nothing to do with you. As for telling him to move out, it sounds like you were planning this all along and your stepson was never part of the equation was he op?

Xmas, have you even read op's last post?