Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

[VapeVamp12]

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

Oh sorry I thought you meant my age gap with my husband! Yes it is a big gap between siblings but I don't really expect my step son to be living with us. When he moved in after Xmas he said he wanted to stay for 3 months whilst he found somewhere to live.

Difficult one. Personally I would try to go low key in sorting this out to start with, as going in all guns blazing with an intervention from you, DH and DHs ex imo makes it into a big problem and at the moment, I think you have the potential to nip this in the bud without it becoming a huge thing.
I would speak to him, quietly, and just say how his comments hurt you, and that it’s not appropriate to make nasty comments like that, that you appreciate it was a shock but you and your DH will still always be there for him etc. Then you or DH pull him up, every and any time, he makes a comment from here on in.
Best of luck, and massive congratulations 💐

I think you have every right to be upset tbh. He sounds like a bit of a brat and probably doesn't like the idea of it not being just about him anymore. I'd expect this from a younger child... but someone in their twenties?!

Don't let this spoil things for you. You're both happy with the news so enjoy it - the step son will need to get over himself and accept it.

He probably wasn’t expecting it at you and DH ages
🙄

OP is in her 30s. When DH was 20 his parents weren’t even 40. We don’t know how old the DH is in this situation but regardless it’s no excuse.

Anyone who was so vile to me and my unborn child wouldn’t be living in my house. End of story.

OP with hindsight you should have sorted out the financial dependence before the pregnancy because now when you tell him he needs to become financially responsible he will blame you and the baby (because he clearly is an infant himself).

His dad needs to put a stop to this right bloody now.

I have two friends who have a big age gap with their siblings - both actually full siblings (both oops moments in parents forties🤣).

On girl was 15, a male friend was 19 and already at uni.

Both were thrilled, but did take the piss out of parents for not practicing safe sex!! Little siblings are now teens themselves and have great relationships with their older siblings. Yes it’s a different relationship to mine and my sisters, but they aren’t like parent and child.

Of course the age gap isn’t why this selfish little shit is upset.

Yes. I get that but is very usual to have a twenty age gap. That’s not sibling territory anymore.

It's really not. Most women are capable of bearing children for well over 20 years and it's reasonably common for the same woman to have children 20+ years apart. It's even more common for divorced men in their 40s to start a second family. It's understandable if he's a bit unsettled, but that's no excuse for this rudeness and it's far from a bizarre or unusual scenario.

@soHotADragonRetired

It is not usual. I’m sorry but it really isn’t. Most people don’t find 20 year age gaps to be desirable for a family. Most people don’t have 20 year age gaps.

People keep calling the son “wanker” etc but let’s take it from his perspective. He’s 20 and wasn’t expecting a new sibling. Like any new sibling, he’s worried about his position in his family. That feeling is universal whether ur 55 or 5.

@Deathgrip.

It’s also his home also.

VapeVamp12 congratulations on your pregnancy . I agree with pp that he is behaving very badly and it's unacceptable and he will need to be pulled up on it. Some serious boundaries will have to be communicated to him and there needs to be reasonable consequences if he disregards or disrespects yours and your husband's boundaries. If he continues with these micro aggressions, entitled attitude and blatant disrespect than it would be more than reasonable to expect him to move out. He is an adult, he has a full time job, he won't be destitute. If he wants to continue to live with you and his dad then he needs to show a great deal more appreciation, consideration and respect. You are not an outsider or an imposter in his family and neither is your unborn child. He doesn't get to treat you as if you were. You and your unborn baby are part of his family whether he likes it or not. He's going to have to adjust his attitude a bit. If his dad allows him to act like an entitled brat without consequence that will not be doing his son, your step son, any favours.

I wish you good luck with this situation and hope it resolves quickly. Look after yourself and hope you have lots of good support.

We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way".

OP, I read this and it stuck in my head so much that I totally forgot you'd written this: My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

My bad. So sorry! And it totally changes the colour of my opinion. Basically, he's just a lazy arse who sees dad as a cash cow. This isn't some 'I'm in shock' response. He's just being an entitled little darling.

He needs to go live with mum or get his shit together and move out. I'm sure he's got nice qualities and that you love him. But he's 20 years old and spoiled. He needs to get out into the real world and get his boots muddy.

Congratulations by the way! All this will eventually blow over and I have no doubt, your little one will have two doting older brothers. Time mends so much. But for the moment, the 20 year old needs to get a handle on his life. That's not your problem though.

He is a bit thick tbh, if this has come as a complete shock to him. Most people would have been expecting you to have children...in your 30s, newly married. It doesn't matter if it's a big sibling age gap, it's not about him. He's a grown ass MAN

He sounds much younger than 20 :S i think he has been enabled for too long and needs to grow up, Its a baby .. not the end of the world, i understand he may feel a bit put out but he is an adult and should be thinking about his own life not yours and he also shouldn't be getting money from his dad at his age anyway so thats just weird :S

Your DH definitely needs to stand up to him .. after all he is living in YOUR house.

With the next comment, you a firm but calm response that lets him know he's being very rude. Perhaps just say that actually, he's 20, not 12 so time to get his head around it is not a reasonable explanation at all. Take care and don't let this get to you.

This adult man pays no rent and gets pocket money from daddy?
You have a DH problem. How has he allowed this to happen?

Maybe he's worried that the baby will take a chunk of 'his' inheritance?

OP, you need to be very clear that he has had time to absorb the news, get his head round the repercussions and he will now be expected to behave like an adult and be polite and courteous to you. If he can't do that, he needs to find his own place right now. If your DH can't support you in that, you have some big decisions to make before the baby is born.

Meant to add it's no wonder this adult man is behaving like a spoilt bratty child. He is still treated like one.

The thing that sticks out a mile is that the 20 year old doesn't recognise himself as an adult. He still sees himself as a kid. He has to get out of his default 'child' setting and take on the grown up world by the horns. I know he goes to work at the factory and has his mates. That's great. But at home, he's still behaving like a school child, it seems, judging by his response to your happy news.

I don't want to sound too harsh on they guy though (fool that he is) because I have no doubt in the least that he'll absolutely adore his baby sibling.

It's very common for a man who remarries, especially a man who remarries a woman in her thirties, to have more children. It is less common for a couple to have full siblings 20 years apart, especially now that the average age of first childbirth has been rising, but it's far from unknown.

But however common it is or isn't, it doesn't excuse an adult being so rude to his father's wife, especially when he lives on his father's dime and doesn't contribute despite being in work.

Time to renegotiate: he pays his way and minds the house rules or he gets his own place. Your DH needs to take the lead, and to back you to the hilt if there is any further rudeness. Do not accept it if there is.

Goldmandra of course his dads new dependents will effect his inheritance. However, when his dad remarried his inheritance was already impacted.

I assume OP is at least ten years younger than her spouse, and therefore house etc will not pass to this two sons.

Wills are a midfield with second families. I am revising mine now - and even in my relatively straightforward position (about to be divorced, one child, about to buy new house with new boyfriend who has no kids) it’s not straightforward.

Hes very jealous that's what it is, my friend had this with her step son but he was 13 and had special needs etc.

He will be shocked because his dad is quite old to be having a baby.I would be telling him that he needs to move out now because I wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that in my own house. Your husband should support you and tell him straight as well.

Your DH needs to speak to him, he needs to learn some respect . At 20 he is not a child.

Mid 40s isn't 'quite old to be having a baby'. If he didn't see this coming he's a fool

His behaviour is not excusable.

I know someone with a 22 year age gap between her children. Her first two were horrified when she told them she was pregnant. The reality that their Mum still had sex was too much for them! It all worked out fine, didn't take them long to come to terms with it.

What a horrible brat-even if he was shocked you dont say things like that-DH should be having words does he always let people talk to you like that

Interesting that his first and immediate response to your news was concerns about his handouts. What an entitled grabby spoilt young man! But that's your DH's fault for giving a grown man an allowance,when it should be the said grown man giving you money for staying in your house!