Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

[VapeVamp12]

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

Gosh OP your SS sounds VERY immature he is 20 not bloody 15!! My sister DS was 19 when she had her last child he was fine and they have a great sibling relationship!

I think your DH is in a shitty position and probably doesn't want to upset his son as he knows he has no were to go BUT that doesn't mean he cant say something like " I understand your feeling frustrated with the situation but you need to remember your an adult and being rude towards SM isn't going to be accepted whilst your living under our roof, the roof she pays half for, so lets stop with the rude comments and all get along like adults' 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe you need to send him this in a text OP! X

He behaved badly, but holing up in a hotel isn't going to solve anything. You're going to look like the unreasonable one, not him. Or alternatively he'll think he's won by driving you out.

Go home, insist on the three of you having a conversation, tell SS how he made you feel, and then listen to him.

She has something to gain from it if the son moves out, which seems to be what she would like!

What exactly are you basing your bet on? Seems a bit of a huge assumption. You could be right, but equally you could be wrong.

The step son was rude and said things he shouldn't have done, but he won't give a shit if op stays at her sisters or in a hotel. She's punishing her dh for something he hadn't done, has no control over, and seems to just keep saying she wants him to stick up for her. In his mind, he's done that. It's not up to anyone else what he says to his son, if he's told him that he's wrong for what has already been said and told him not to do it again, then that's enough. Expecting more than that IS being dramatic.

nails he is supposed to be moving out anyway, so she's not gaining anything. He was only ever staying there short term...

Maybe the SS wont give a shit, but her husband should and that's the outcome OP needs, he should have stuck up for her.

In your mind he's done that? how? I think that's just in your mind and not anyone elses tbh. He's done sweet FA. Any good husband would have sorted the son out and stepped in when he put his foot in his mouth, any good husband wouldn't have let it get to the point where his pregnant wife leaves for the night. Its not being dramatic its expecting the person you're married to, to appreciate why you don't want to be spoken to like a piece of shit, and to do something about it.

if you think that's expecting too much, your standards must be on the floor.

Thanks for all the comments and to the people sticking up for me.

@nails you can take from my posts what you want and make all the assumptions you want to aswell. Some of your assumptions are wrong but I'm not going to argue point by point.

It's my first mumsnet step-parent bashing so it was going to come some time, might as well be today!

He hasn't moved out yet though, has he? Nor does it look like it's happening soon from what OP has said. Either way, it's not really relevant.

A good father would tell his son when he's done wrong, warn him not to do it again, and then move on.

Thats exactly what the DH here has done. It's not up to him to stop his wife leaving the house if that's what she wants to do. He does appreciate why the OP was upset, but after having words with his son, is understandably confused about what else he's supposed to do to make the OP happy. So am I tbh. Could you explain exactly what else it is he should have done? Because clearly I'm missing something.

What would have made the difference? Would it really have helped if the Dh had started bawling and shouting at his son just to make sure that the OP felt like she was being stuck up for?

He's more than just the OPs husband, he is a father too, and one that should also give a shit about how his son feels about him starting family number two.

You answer the question then OP, even if just for your own benefit and that if your marriage. What exactly did you expect your dh to do other then tell his son his words were unacceptable and not to do it again?

I don’t understand MN sometimes. The standard of expected behaviour for pretty much every age of child is ridiculously low and excuses made for almost everything on the basis that they are still young and only X age (when a child of X age really ought to know better). Yet as soon as they hit 18 and become an adult, the expected behaviour and insight seems to be that of a mature adult. He is clearly a very immature 20 year old which is barely past the teenage years in any event. He has clearly reacted very badly to the news of a new sibling. He has made a clumsy apology of sorts. He certainly isn’t the only one behaving childishly in this story. Sounds like all of you need to grow up a bit.

@RainbowWaffles He is TWENTY years old, I didn't even react the way he has when I was 12 and my parents had to take my sisters baby in I GREW up and helped raise the baby! He needs to grow up.

Why are people justifying the vile behaviour choices of a man? A grown, adult man. Calling him a ‘boy’ indeed {eye roll} get a grip of yourselves, it would be reprehensible if it were a 10 year old, from an adult it’s unjustfiable and unforgivable, as is the behaviour of the mans father as well. Also, there was no apology, ‘sorry you feel that way’ is another way of saying ‘fuck you’.

*A good father would tell his son when he's done wrong, warn him not to do it again, and then move on.

Thats exactly what the DH here has done. It's not up to him to stop his wife leaving the house if that's what she wants to do. He does appreciate why the OP was upset, but after having words with his son, is understandably confused about what else he's supposed to do to make the OP happy. So am I tbh. Could you explain exactly what else it is he should have done? Because clearly I'm missing something.

What would have made the difference? Would it really have helped if the Dh had started bawling and shouting at his son just to make sure that the OP felt like she was being stuck up for?

He's more than just the OPs husband, he is a father too, and one that should also give a shit about how his son feels about him starting family number two.*

I don't think this is what OP's DH did. He said he initially spoke to him and then minimised the OP's upset as "he didn't mean it". This isn't ok. If OP's SS had made one rude comment on finding out you could perhaps get away with this, but it was several comments over 2 days. This should not be excused with SS not 'meaning it'. Presumably OP's DH spoke to his son after she returned and was angry to find them happily gaming, and this prompted the 'sorry' text. Would you not say that it is reasonable to expect a father to challenge his adult son on his unkind behaviour without the need for two arguments? I imagine DH firmly and clearly telling his son that he was wrong to speak to his DW that way would have made the OP happy. Looking incredulous when she raises feeling upset about his rude comments is pretty clearly going to upset her further.

Of course both the OP and her DH should be sensitive to SS's feelings on the new member of the family. This does not give SS a free pass to make hurtful comments. This should have been swiftly challenged by SS's father at the time, with ample opportunity given to acknowledge that SS is allowed to have mixed feelings.

The 20yo is a fully grown adult, not a child. Unfortunately he's a SPOILT adult and needs to understand that there comes a time to stand on his own two feet - like NOW. Time for the allowance to stop now! His df needs to explain to him that there will be a defenceless and vulnerable baby to be cared for, and SS will not come first any more.

His father needs to have a firm word about appropriate ways to behave towards you in your own home. If he doesn't do it, I don't think I'd have a child with him, as he'll never properly back you up.

He sounds like a jealous teenager to me. Although i can imagine how upsetting this is for you, I think the best way to approach is to act like you don't care. You are clearly over the moon about the pregnancy so make that known. Let him be a stroppy teenager..it doesn't effect you or your baby. He will just have to grow up and get over it. Enjoy your pregnancy xx

I don’t think the shittiness is DSS’ behaviour is in dispute but OP is being somewhat melodramatic. DH could have been more supportive but OP is being very protective of her unborn child so it isn’t beyond the realms of possibility that DH is being a little protective of his DS whom he can see is taking the news of a sibling badly. Nobody is excusing the behaviour FFS or declaring they have such low standards that this kind of thing is all okay, but you wouldn’t catch me flouncing off to a hotel about it. A grown up conversation addressing the issue might be more appropriate, someone has to take the lead in facilitating a balanced and mature response.

RainbowWaffles, completely agree. I'm seeing no difference in leaving the house dramatically and expecting a dramatic welcome compared with the SS personally. Everyone needs to grow up and have a discussion like adults. If someone flounces out of my house I would contact them either, I'd wait for them to cool down and come back to talk.

I don’t see it as melodramatic I see it as making a stand that she is not accepting this shit anymore. And good for her.

She’s tried a grown up discussion but her DH closed it down. So she is left to STFU or leave. She left.

I wouldn’t go back either but then I’ve never been one to roll over and play dead.

I can see the positions of both sides and from all angles, this is not an easy one at all. If the OP was his mother, rightly or wrongly he'd likely not have reacted as badly over having a new sibling. Also had it been the OP's son who'd been this way then she probably would be wanting to work through his feelings together and be giving him the easier time that his Dad is. If I was bad to my parents they'd put up a united front yes, but they'd not totally reject me, cut me off, or ever tell me that their home isn't my home (not that I live with them but I will always have a home with them and could stay if I ever needed it.) I think OP has every right to be angry and upset but also needs to think about what she expects the outcome to be, what she needs from her husband and if that's in line with the way she'd expect they handled it with their child. My husband had a vasectomy recently as we are expecting our 4th, he was asked as he's in his early 30's if he'd considered that we could split and if he met someone else and that made his mind up even more so, he said the children we share are his world and he couldn't even think about starting a new family, he almost sees that as letting them down, they are his priority no matter what the future holds and I feel the same. If you marry someone with kids from a previous relationship you need to accept you'll never be your spouses one and only and you need to understand that love you have for your own child, your spouse also has for his. It's totally out of order the way the SS has been with the OP I'm not suggesting it's not, but you can't seek to get rid of him because of it. If your husband did cut him off for these horrible outbursts, would he be the man you want raising your baby with you, knowing that one day he could potentially abandon your child so easily.

Wow, there's loads of assumptions here. There's no evidence the Op flounced off dramatically. Were you there? Did u see her flouncing with your own eyes? There's no evidence that the Op is trying to make her ss move out. She has mentioned that he wanted to stay temporarily because he wanted to share a house with a friend of his. Nowhere has Op said she wants to boot him out. Lots of us have advised to set boundaries based on mutual respect and if he chooses not to be respectful then give him consequences such as asking him to leave. That came from us, not the Op.

Self respect is a good thing. And from Op's posts she has expressed standards of how she wants to be treated with respect. And if she is not respected she is going to distance herself from the person treating her badly. That's self respect, that's having decent boundaries. Good on her.

Well said PlantPotParrot.

@oceanbliss you're quite right, my response is more aimed at the suggestions of others than the OP, I stand by what I've Said in my previous posts, I don't think the OP is being unreasonable for feeling upset as her ss has been awful to her. I'm only pointing out to other posters that are particularly down on the husband that it's not so simple as backing up your wife and telling your kid to like it, lump it or leave x

Wow... there are a few issues, aren’t there? Firstly, he’s an adult with an over-blown sense of entitlement which is definitely not going to go away now there is a baby coming. He’s dug himself in nicely in OP’s home and there is no way the money or home situation is going to change without her becoming the evil stepmonster.
Secondly, his attitude towards her and the baby is superior and smug, and is coming down to money, etc. It is completely dismissive of her relationship/partnership with her partner and no wonder! Where is it? Her partner is showing that he is much more in partnership with his son than with her. This much-wanted and planned-for baby suddenly isn’t on his radar at all. He’s at home gaming with his adult man child because he is one also. I can completely understand why OP is underwhelmed and elsewhere. No backup, no support, no contact. It is almost as if now she’s pregnant, he thinks he’s got her trapped.

Slightly unrelated, but. When I was a teenager my mum went through menopause. We would fall out sometimes when I was an obnoxious brat. I would write her letters and say sorry and she ignored me and gave me the silent treatment.
It hurt me in fundamental ways that affected our relationship forever.
Sometimes the adult needs to be the bigger grown up person and roll their eyes at stupid teen behaviour (boys are less mature than girls) and try to mend it when they reach out to say sorry.
I agree that he is a brat and you are right to take a stand. But fix it now before it creates a family rift that never heals. Presumably you've been like a 2nd mum to him for the past 5 years, maybe not. If not then perhaps it doesn't apply in the same way.
Maybe when you talk to him you could explain how hurtful it is as he is a son to you just the same. That you would brush off the insult from a stranger but you thought you loved and respected each other so his reaction really hurt. Assuming that is how you feel! I think you need to be more open with him, and also allow him to be with no judgement.

He is not a teenager. He’s an adult. His father is giving HER the silent treatment.