Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

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I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

As someone who had older DSS when I became pregnant with my first DC, I think he is a little bugger who is taking the piss and is old enough to know better. As someone who was in their early 20’s when my DB was expecting his first child, I remember feeling a bit resentful and annoyed at the prospect of DGC in the family. I honestly would have hated it if one of my parents was having another actual child. Sad and bratty, but true. I didn’t say anything though.

The point is as mostly mothers, we are naturally disgusted by his reaction, but I do feel some sympathy for a clearly very immature 20 year old acting out at some shocking (even if he should have expected it, he obviously didn’t) news. I would give him a free pass for now and make sure DH has a word with him ensuring that any future disrespectful outbursts will be dealt with. The good thing about still giving him an allowance is it provides a very convenient incentive to control himself.

He should only pay the allowance for as long as he did for his other son. He should probably have a chat now with him about why he's paying it and that he might want to put it in a savings account to use for a training course. (Although really he should use it for a deposit on a rental place).

I wouldn't tell him he needs to move out, I would discuss in front of him how great it's going to be to have a live on babysitter, someone to change nappies etc. If he says no way I'm doing that, then the response would obviously be well you'll need to help out with the baby while you're living here. That and lack of sleep, he will hopefully move out soon.

He sounds very rude and entitled, but this is up to your DH to sort out, coming from you it will be a battle you won't win.

I think it's pretty obvious from him asking whether you were keeping it that this is a total and utter shock for him. He obviously wasn't expecting this, at all.

I'm coming at this from the perspective of the child, as I was 21 when I found out I was going to have a baby sibling. I had a child of my own by then, and yes, I should have been old enough not to have been an insensitive brat.

But I wasn't. I felt terrified. Terrified I was being replaced, that they'd done their job bringing me up and now they were going to try again and do it better, and yes, my own father helped me out financially on occasion and I wondered if it would impact me in that way.

I'm not proud of the way I reacted - I'm normally very sane, honestly! But you can't help your emotions. Especially if it comes as a total shock - neither you nor your husband has ever mentioned the fact that you're going to have a child at some point, I take it.

I know a couple of other people who have had similar and lots have reacted to it badly, like I did, and like your stepson has. He needs your love and support at this time, and to know that his dad will still be there for him, and that you and the baby aren't "taking him away". It seems ridiculous at this age, but there is still a little boy inside that 20 year old mans body!

Oh and without exception, me and the others I know who have been through similar all now dote on our little siblings! It's great being able to play cool older sister/brother.

Please kick him out. He isnt a young child whose parents have divorced and it's a shock to him. He is a grown man, its disgusting that hes doing this. I can only imagine that he is going to get worse. Dont let him ruin this pregnancy for you. DH needs to give him notice and he needs to get out.

Jesus, your DH needs to put SS in his place! How dare he speak to you like this in your house.

Call his DM and give her heads up

I am not defending the step son for his behaviour at all. I think he needs putting firmly in his place and reminding he is an adult and is free to leave if he does not want to be reasonable and treat you and the baby well but I am shocked that people can't see that as your husbands child this is very difficult for him. You don't just kick out your kid, 12 or 20, no matter how much he'd deserve it it'd break your heart and be devastating to damage your relationship with someone you've loved and cared for since birth. Parental love is unconditional. He's obviously very insecure and can't be allowed to get away with it but rejecting him is going against every parental instinct in my mind. All this said OP you are well within your rights to fully stick up for yourself and have your husband support you. It's an awful situation I would be very vocal about how unhappy I was with him if it was my son, but kick him out and cut him off.... Not sure. X

Sounds like Op’s partner is probably a lot older than OP and the stepson was shocked presumably because he assumed his dad was done having kids. OP you need to forgive and forget - how would you feel if in your twenties your dad announced he’d got a thirty something pregnant?

This must be so upsetting for you OP, but I think @bodgersmash makes a really good point.

20 is still very young and it sounds like he may be just struggling to deal with the unexpected panic he is feeling. IME boys (and men...) don't have the filter that women have and can blurt out some truly awful stuff that they later regret/don't really mean.

I hope things settle down for you all.

Your DH needs to have a sit down chat with him. Not so much a bollocking, but kindly telling him how BOTH of you are happy and this will be his sibling and what the pocket money is for and also, ask him to apologise to you, make it up with a gesture, whatever. Sounds like he needs some reassurance and to get over himself.

This is 100% your husband's job to deal with. And by deal with, I mean practise tough love in laying out his expectations to his son regarding his behaviour in the house and towards you.

You shouldn't be put in a position where your DH steps back with his hands up and goes 'Well it's between you two to sort out'.

What was your DH's reaction and what does he believe needs to happen?

He’s so young. He’s only 20. It must be a shock to him.

How many posters on here were married and had their own child at 20? Does that mean none of you knew what you were doing. He’s an disrespectful ADULT brat and your husband needs to man the fuck up. Ask your husband if he would like your baby to know if his brother wanted to know if he/she was going to be aborted or said that it shouldn’t affect this young ADULT’S finances.

And for crying out loud will you people please stop making excuses for his immature behaviour because he’s a man! Does that mean if it was 20yr old SD that came out with this comment, she should be treated differently?

@s1snaidsucks I'm not saying he's not put of line nor should he get away with it. I'm saying 12 or 20 your kid is always your kid and it needs handling in a way that is fair to OP without cutting him off and kicking him out, also some parents do give their adult kids money/financial support that's their business, would you expect your oh to stop doing as he always had for your son/daughter because he has a new wife? I think the husband is getting a hard time here, he should be backing his wife on this, his son is in the wrong but I question any parent who would kick out and cut off their child for bratty behaviour. Would you see your kid on the street because he needs teaching a lesson? The OP seems a good woman and step mum to me BTW I'm not backing the brats behaviour I'm just reminding people your bond and devotion doesn't stop at 18 with your maintenance payments, people who can't understand that shouldn't marry someone with kids... I'm not aiming that at you OP you clearly are a very nice person. X

@S1naidSucks- how would you have felt if your dad got a 30 something pregnant either when you were in your twenties or thirties? I bet you wouldn’t be so mature then!

He should be paying a share towards bills in this situation, not being given pocket money. He is spoilt and entitled.

I can understand his shock though, I would not expect either of my parents to have a child now and they are both a similar age to your DH (had me young). It would shock me beyond all belief. I wouldn’t expect him to have a close relationship with the baby, he is after all old enough to have his own child.

Oh to be the child of a first relationship in the next relationship....it's a lose lose situation for him whatever way you look at it unfortunately.

Noone will understand except those who have been through it - Not anyone's fault - it just is.

Siblings feel like this whether they are 2 or 20, whether they verbalise it or not.

OP he is angry right now but will get over it in time. He has to....

hi, firstly congratulations op, this is the first time i've commented on mumsnet but i had to say something...
i am 37 with a 21 year old son (who has asd), i am currently 24 weeks pregnant with my second child, when i told my ds (aged 20 when i told him) that i was pregnant, he was shocked, and i mean sat in silence, mouth open, couldn't speak shocked!!! then i showed him my scan photo (from my early scan so was just a blob lol), he stared at the pic, smiled hugely then gave me the biggest hug i've ever had!!! my pregnancy/this new baby is changing everything in his life, but he has been fully supportive and not only happy for me, but also thrilled about being a big brother, i could sit here and list loads of lovely things he has said and done but i'd be here all day!
my point is, your dss is 20! being shocked is fine, his nastiness is just plain damn wrong, do not accept the way he is behaving, tell him firmly that he will NEVER speak to you or your unborn baby in that way again, then walk away from him and leave him to think about what he's done, and wait for an apology xxx

Dippypippy1980

Thank you

He's 20 and acting like that? Sorry, but I'd go to a hotel and tell your H to sort this out.

Congratulations OP. Your stepson is a dick. I have a sister 20 years younger than me. We were 22,20 and 15 when she was born, I lived at home until she was 8 and we absolutely have a sibling relationship.

That's really shit OP. It happened to us too although in our case 14 year old SS has aspergers so changes can unsettle him more. Unfortunately as it happens we haven't seen DSS for close to 2 years as he wants nothing to do with us now there's a half sibling. It's really sad but he knows the door is open if he chooses to come back, and we hope that in time he may.

how would you have felt if your dad got a 30 something pregnant either when you were in your twenties or thirties? I bet you wouldn’t be so mature then

He did and I didn’t treat the women like shit or throw a tantrum. I was working and living away by 18, because I was a grown up, not a spoilt brat.

Yes. I get that but is very usual to have a twenty age gap. That’s not sibling territory anymore. They won’t really have a sibling relationship more dad and son iyswim

There is 17 years between my mum and her youngest brother (same mum, different dad). They adore each other and very much have a sibling relationship. Although she does admit she struggled when my Grandmother got pregnant again because she was embarrassed to realise that her and her stepdad had sex plus jealous was a factor, she felt like her mum was trying to replace her and her other brothers to please the "new" stepparent.

There was a 25 year gap between my Grandfather and his youngest brother. Thinking about it, I'd say it's very common in my admittedly Catholic family.

@S1naidsucks explains your strong viewpoint perfectly, you didn't get financial support or expect/need consideration from your father when nor did you live with him so you struggle to see why this should be the case for someone else. I'm not saying it's right or wrong to expect support from a parent as an adult, emotionally but my parents give me that as an adult in my 30's, it's hard to imagine I'd be treated differently should they remarry but this is a separate issue. He should not be allowed to treat his step mum like this, and he should not be given money for anything but living needs whilst being as he is but he should not be kicked out of the house. Your kids should always have a home at your house in my opinion, and I don't live with or off my parents but I know they love me and would tell you the same.

That should say emotionally or financially sorry

Justus22

Don’t assume to know anything about my life, past a few words on a page. I have financially support all three of my boys until they were into there mid 20ys, but they wouldn’t treat me like that if I had got pregnant. They were taught respect, gratitude and compassion. Part of being a good parent is teaching your child these traits.