Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

[VapeVamp12]

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

Oh I am not excusing the shit husband behaviour at all! That's another matter.

I was a rude teenager to my parents well into my twenties. Embarrassing to admit but we all have our issues and reasons for not maturing as quickly as others.

Sometimes the adult needs to be the bigger grown up person and roll their eyes at stupid teen behaviour (boys are less mature than girls)

He’s not a teenage boy, he’s a 20yr old man. As for that nonsense about boys being less mature than girls, they only behave as if they are because adults let them. That sounds so much like the good old excuse of ‘boys will be boys’. 🙄

He is rude and obnoxious. It would be bad enough if he said these things to someone else, never mind you and his Dad. Does his dad normally challenge him when needed? What has the baby got to do with his mother?! The baby will impact on him to a minimal degree surely and even if it doesn't then so what. Shouldn't he be living on his own and being independent by now? I know lots of siblings with large age gaps, it's just a red herring lm afraid. Yeah it will impact on his inheritance, in the same way my younger brother does to mine but it's just one of those things and l don't think about it. This all needs to be sorted out ASAP, especially before the baby comes. But if your step son isn't happy then he knows where the door is. Sorry to hear your DH isn't supporting you on this, l can see why you haven't gone home. I wouldn't be sucking it up either in my own home so l can see why you aren't
As an aside he gets pocket money at 20 😂😂. I had had jobs for about 5 years by that point while doing A levels and a degree. I suppose it partly explain why he's so childish. When will it end when he is 30, 35, 40?!

I can't believe people think the behaviour of the men in this situation is acceptable. When I was 10-12 I'd been out playing with mates for a few hours. My mum was at home ill - not entirely unheard of for her. Dad came home from work to find me out and her still unwell. I got the bollocking of a lifetime when I got home for being disrespectful and uncaring. I'm not sure I was either of those things but even at that age I could 100% see dad's perspective. Yes, she was my biological mum not step mum but I'm not sure how much of a difference that makes when the conversation is about how to be kind and respectful of people you live with. Or how to have empathy for others.

The 20 year old can't help the way he feels but he's doing a shocking job of keeping his shit together. OP has taken him on, he's lived in her home etc. He's an adult. He was supposed to have moved out and hasn't. So she's accepted the temporary situation as somewhat more permanent. She hasn't forced him to leave or asked him to or anything. He hasn't paid rent etc. Who's doing his laundry? Clearing up after him? Paying for food etc?

I was a rude teenager to my parents well into my twenties. Embarrassing to admit but we all have our issues and reasons for not maturing as quickly as others

It is embarrassing. Most people who are bratty well into their 20's are spoilt, indulged children who have never been told no, IME.
Certainly seems to be that way with OP's SS.

People baby their children until their mid 20s and then are surprised when they don't want to work, or move out, or learn what real life is about.

@PBobs I don't disagree with you but I do think it makes a difference it being a step parent rather than his Mum and rightly or wrongly the reactions of all three of them would likely be very different if it was the sons Mum pregnant. SS would likely be less volatile over it but even if he wasn't his dad would probably feel more able to take a more angry and forceful approach without him feeling that he would damage their relationship as no matter what his real mum wouldn't feel as affected or isolated as his step mum does by the same behaviour and she would want to work it through with him. The dad wouldn't feel he was driving a wedge if uniting with the mum to put him in his place. Step mum isn't going to have the same desire to make amends and forgive and forget iyswim, but would she leave the house, or be as angry in the same position with her grown up biological child? Probably not. She also probably wouldn't see it as not her own child's home to stay at whenever he/she likes either. I'm not excusing the ss I can just see why things have panned out as they have. My friends step child has caused her no end of trouble and stirs between parents and no matter how good she is to them she gets complained about to the mum. It hurts her when her husband doesn't tackle the behaviour towards her the way he would with their kids together but she loves him and will tell you above everything he's an amazing Dad. I have no idea what I'd do as the OP but I don't think she should let him cause so many problems between them. Being a step parent can't be an easy job.x

but would she leave the house, or be as angry in the same position with her grown up biological child? Probably not

if anything, i'd be far more hurt and angry if my own biological child who I had brought up treated me that way. I would probably react worse, because I would be inherently disappointed in my child, and myself for bringing someone up who thinks that's an acceptable way to behave.

Would I try and make amends? certainly, in both situations I would, nobody wants a black cloud hanging over the birth of a child - it should be a wholly positive thing - but, OP shouldn't just accept it. Its not ok, its revolting behaviour and he is old enough to know better.

I don't think this has anything to do with OP being a SM, or she has reacted, i think this is problem with how this "man" has been brought up and how OP's huband clearly babies him.

The difference is if SS was DS, OP would be able to speak honestly with him herself. It's completely different as it's her OH who is the parent, she cant overstep, if he was her ds she could tell him that he could leave if he doesn't like it and that she was so hurt and disappointed by him. She's asked her husband to convey the hurt and disrespect instead.

And it isn't the SS home, he had his own independent home and asked to crash temporarily. I have my own home now but when i stayed at my parents for a time i was grateful as hell. I could save money for a new place. This SS sounds ungrateful and entitled. His father has had a hand in that and i wonder how often his mother would get annoyed about it when he was growing up? How often do we see posts from OPs bemoaning their dcs 'Disney dad'...

What he said was awful. Your husband should have made it absolutely clear to him that it was hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable
He should have apologised properly and your husband should have made it clear to you that he had spoken firmly to his son and that this would never happened to you
You need and deserve to feel loved and supported. I think the three of you sitting down together may be the way forward, but I wouldn't be prepared to live in a home where I was treated the way you have been.

"Are you going to keep it" and "I bet Dad's paying for that" are terrible things to say. "sorry if your upset" is no apology for that, and does not indicate that he understands how badly he has behaved. I'd be worried your husbands "talk" to him has been along the lines of "she's a bit sensitive and hormonal at the moment so better say sorry"

sorry that should have been that this should never have happened to you

My oldest was 18 when my youngest was born

He was 23 and 24 when his dad had his dsis’s. No way would he have reacted like ops ss.

He does sound bloody spoilt though, a 20 year old grown man with a full time job getting picket money 🙄.

@Justus I don't think it should from the father's perspective - which is what my post is about. If you want to raise children who are kind and have empathy it shouldn't matter who you are expecting them to behave appropriately towards. I would expect my dad to be equally pissed off with me if I'd been rude to a stranger - and no doubt he was. I remember the incident with my mum because I felt particularly bad as she was my bio mum. But I know for a fact if I was rude to anyone I got pulled up on it every time. There's no excuse here for the father's failure to do so in this case.

Also see my post where my biological dad lost it with me. So no, I don't agree that biology is the big decider here.

Except from the SS's perspective. There yes, biology is the difference. But to the OP's husband there should be fuck all difference between his older son and the child that OP will go on to have. Right now it doesn't quite feel that the husband sees it that way. Yes, protect the son you have now but not at the expense of everyone else - especially when said son is 20.

@PBobs I think being rude to a stranger isn't comparable though to a step parent, it's not OK at all to be rude to anyone but the issue I think is more that the step parent threatens the security and place within their bio parents life and family home no matter how good the step parent is, it a lot of the time is hard for people who have parents split to see their family play house in a place you no longer feel you belong whereas most people with a strong family unit feel their parents home is still their place too, I know I do. A stranger being pregnant would not have got any unpleasant reaction from the son iyswim, there is a psychological reason he'd not be happy for anyone else who does not affect his life. I really don't think it's all about money as much as people think either. He might reference money bitterly but it's not necessarily his issue, it's security and change potentially that say to him he is less important to his dad with a new baby on the scene. I don't think it's OK at all, but the degree to which the bio parent comes down on their child for the way they project their feelings towards their 2nd family is going to be different to the way they would if this was with the bio mother announcing a new sibling within his family unit, the bio mother isn't threatening to the son if anything your biological parents are your safe place, I just think the husband/his dad recognises that but should be making his wife a lot more comfortable and supporting her for the sake of all of their on going relationships. He needs putting in his place for sure but also to not be rejected or have his life changed. I'm close to my parents and in laws and they literally are like our friends as well as parents, we do a lot together, I can't imagine how I'd cope at 34 if one of them changed towards me or the boundaries changed. I'm not saying I'd be verbally abusive towards my step parent but I need my parents and they've always needed me. That sort of bond isn't an easy or straightforward thing to alter without some issues with acceptance and resentment along the way is all I am saying.x

Justus22 I think you have made some valid points that are worth considering.
VapeVamp12 if you are still reading this thread I hope you find some posts helpful and find ways to communicate with your husband and ss. I hope they listen to you and take responsibility for the way they should be treating you. Did you have a nice stay at the hotel?

This is why I don't often post on mumsnet @Justus. I end up going round in circles. I haven't said anything that disagrees with your point except the bio vs step parent dynamic. My main point was the 20 year old needs talking to more seriously than he's had. Which you agree with. Must be my language skills.

Good luck OP. Frankly I wouldn't put up with it. I've known plenty of blended families and this wouldn't be OK in any of them. I'm sorry.

This is one of those weird threads on MN where a section of posters have decided OP can't do anything right because she's a second wife.

Fucking bizarre.

Yes he's allowed to be worried, feel upset, have concerns he wants to raise with his dad.

On what fucking planet is it acceptable for a grown man of 20 to speak horrendously, more than once, to his dad's wife and for his dad to think it's perfectly fine?

He's 20 years old, more than old enough to understand what is and isn't acceptable.

As for his father's attitude, it's not hard to see why this manchild is the way he is!

OP you've had a horrible time, and I'm sorry it's come at what should be such a lovely time for you. Congratulations on your news and I hope things look up for you soon.

I suppose your SS really is sorry for having upset you if you've got along well in the past.

However he may not be sorry for what he said because that is how he feels. It sounds like he's an only child so to suddenly get a sibling when you're an adult would be a shock. A baby isn't always good news for everybody particularly new siblings!

However this baby is still theory as he hasn't arrived yet. SS will most likely adore him once he arrives.

This is one of those weird threads on MN where a section of posters have decided OP can't do anything right because she's a second wife.

That isn’t true at all. Most people support the OP, a minority think she should be the bigger person and attempt to understand the opposing view a little. Nobody is saying she can’t do anything right and there isn’t a single solitary voice who hasn’t condemned the actions of the DSS.

I have a DSS a similar age and he is very very immature and struggles with life in general. Most of this is to his own detriment rather than mine so there isn’t any behaviour to excuse as such (he has never been rude to me) it’s just how he is. I find him impossible to relate to and he doesn’t possess anywhere near the level of understanding of almost anything that I had as even a much younger teenager. I have learnt that I can’t judge him by my own standards as he doesn’t possess the mental ability to think on the same level that I would. Honestly, before I got to know him, I would probably have been equally as quick to condemn DSS as being 20 and old enough to know better. Age really can be just a number. At some point, we have to stop making allowances or excuses for our children as they grow into young adults, but our children never stop being worthy of our empathy and understanding. The reality is step children rarely get the same level of empathy and understanding at any age.

It isn’t a cut and dried situation but IMO creating a stand off just drags out the misery for everyone, yourself included. Much less energy to facilitate a constructive conclusion and move on. I might just be a mug though judging by lots of the replies.

@Pbobs I totally see and agree with your points too. If I was OP's friend/sister I'd be thinking, how dare they and encouraging the space and her standing her ground until she gets the respect she deserves, I would barely consider the bratty step son but from the outside I can see the position of all 3. I am not step parent bashing at all @intheheatoflisbon I think she sounds like a nice step mum. @plantpotparrot would you really be as/more affected by your own child making those throw away comments, knowing they will calm down, get used to it and apologise? As their bio mum you could've given it to your child straight with how unacceptable it is without damaging your relationship forever, the thing with being family is that messing up and being an idiot can happen and it can be forgiven. What he's said is bad and needs addressing properly but I can not see me threatening or kicking the boy I've loved and nurtured out over this... I've never met a biological parent who's cared for their child since birth, who's love and leniency was so conditional as you're making out.

would you really be as/more affected by your own child making those throw away comments, knowing they will calm down, get used to it and apologise? As their bio mum you could've given it to your child straight with how unacceptable it is without damaging your relationship forever, the thing with being family is that messing up and being an idiot can happen and it can be forgiven. What he's said is bad and needs addressing properly but I can not see me threatening or kicking the boy I've loved and nurtured out over this... I've never met a biological parent who's cared for their child since birth, who's love and leniency was so conditional as you're making out

of course I would be more affected, why wouldn't you be affected by a comment like that from someone you have brought up who is supposed to love and respect you? I would be devastated that someone I brought up to be polite and respectful even dared ask a question like that to any pregnant woman, let alone me!

I don't think its a "throw away comment" at all. You're massively minimising what was said here. Whether he meant it or not its massively unacceptable to speak to someone like that no matter who they are. You don't know that they will get used to it or apologise unless you have a crystal ball.

As their bio mum I would be having stern words with them, and no it probably wouldn't damage the relationship forever but I would still take a very dim view of it. I don't see why it would have to ruin the relationship with a step child forever either, this view that step children have no consequences for being brats is utterly ridiculous.

I have never said I wouldn't forgive a comment like that, maybe I would in time but forgiving and forgetting are NOT the same thing. I wouldn't forget a comment like that from anyone.

To be honest he doesn't need to be living at home at 20 with a FT job, he needs to grow the fuck up and I would be saying that whether I had given birth to him or he was a step child. I don't agree with fully grown adults acting and being treated like children, there is absolutely no need for it. I wouldn't throw him out as a direct result of his comment, but I would make it known that if he cannot respect the people who pay the bills, he will have to leave. Again that would be the same for anyone who lived with me and disrespected me or DP.

I never said that my love or leniency was conditional, I would still love my child or step child if they said or did something like this, but I wouldn't be happy with them. Loving and liking do not always come hand in hand.

How are you, OP? Has your husband stepped up yet?

@plantpotparrot I'm not minimising, he's been out of order, OP would've been within her rights to give him some harsh words herself but I don't think this needs to be over dramatised and made into something that requires the husband taking sides and a huge rift that could spiral out of control. I also think that his comments in his mind are potentially throw away, we are all different and some are more offended by certain things, my husband is far less bothered by things I can sometimes perceive as rude. His Dad has obviously had a word as he has apologised, might not be good enough for some but I can honestly say I know many people who would apologise sincerely that way and there be no hidden agenda or lack of meaning, they just aren't great with words and are a bit dim. All this aside, I havent disagreed with you as such, I don't think adults should be treated as children but your son/daughter should always be treated as your son/daughter and everyone makes mistakes, he hasn't had much of a chance to prove this isn't a short term upset that he'll get over and make amends for. Youre right I don't have a crystal ball but neither do you, and that being the case surely he deserves the benefit of the doubt, after all until now the OP said they have had a great relationship with no issues at all so it seems more likely this is just a shock reaction. As for people's views on how parents should treat their adult son/daughters financially, it is literally each to their own and no one's business but theirs. If I've got it, I'll be helping my kids in adult life as much as my parents have me & I'm not spoilt or entitled, I'm actually very grateful and lucky. Anyway, I hope you're OK OP.x

I haven't read the whole thread and what he said is out of order but I was 2, had 2 children of my own and hadn't lived at home for 3 years when my mum announced she was pregnant, I honestly cannot remember my reaction, and think I was completely shocked, even though I was that age, I still had a fleeting moment of jealousy that now she'll have this new family and won't want anymore which is utterly ridiculous, as I didn't just abandon my first child when I had another 😂

Fast forward 12 years and it's great, strange but great, I'm close with my sister and it's been nice to have her growing up with my children, and my mum never abandoned us either. I'm sure your DSS will be fine with it all once he's got used to it.