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Original poster

Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

225 replies

VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:09

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 27/05/2019 11:48

Your dss is being very unreasonable. He’s an only child and has been spoilt, so he’s now acting like a nasty brat ‘are you keeping it’ ffs. He needs to grow up too and stop getting his arse wiped as you and dh will be doing plenty of that with a new baby.
You need to have a word with your dh. Dss I’d old enough to move out. I certainly wouldn’t want him around.

Congratulations op Flowers

JustHereforHarriet · 27/05/2019 11:50

Wow he’s all about the money! My guess is he’s just realised his inheritance is slashed in two - at best.

Goldmandra · 27/05/2019 11:52

Goldmandra of course his dads new dependents will effect his inheritance.

I had already worked out that the new baby would affect his inheritance, thank you Hmm

I was just suggesting that this may be the reason behind his comments and behaviour.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 27/05/2019 12:01

As the OP is married to his dad, unless there is a specific will in place then it's the OP who will inherit everything anyway if her husband died. That would then get passed go to her baby.
Jealous 20yo sees his dad as nothing more than a cash cow.

When is this allowance meant to stop op?
If the older one got it for 3 years whilst at uni then 3 years should be the limit for the 20yo. Especially one working full time and doesn't sound like contributing to the household.

Maybe the cheeky sod will move out when his sleep is being disrupted by a baby.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/05/2019 12:02

Just me that feels a bit sorry for him then!

My ds is only a year younger than the SS here, and I fully expect to have to support him for a few more years yet, especially as he's at uni. People rarely walk into their first jobs and become completely self sufficient, wages just aren't that high, so young adults genuinely need support from either their parents or the state while they build up a life. As a parent who expects to provide this sort of support, I'm well aware that's having another baby now would affect my ability to do that, so I wouldn't in a million years expect my ds to be happy about the rug being pulled out from under him just so that my new partner could have the baby they want. I'd consider myself pretty selfish if I actively chose to have another baby without thinking of the consequences that would have for my existing children.

I think the SS is getting an unfair harsh reaction here, and while he doesn't have the right to be rude, it's a bit self centred to expect him to show happiness over this.

rubyroot · 27/05/2019 12:11

Wow! Just wow. Can’t belueve there’s people defending this 20 year old. He’s showing his true colours and it’s all about money isn’t it?!
His Dad needs to talk to him with you, not you alone. He needs to show that you have solidarity. And then perhaps he needs to say and now you’ve apologised for your unacceptable obnoxious behaviour at 20 with a full time job it’s time your allowance stopped anyway. So thanks for bringing that to my attention.

Honestly I don’t know how you stayed so calm. What a horrid horrid excuse for a human being

Dippypippy1980 · 27/05/2019 12:15

Sorry gold - my response was poorly worded, I meant th stupid manchild should have already worked out his inheritance was impacted and it’s only right all his siblings are treated equally.

My exasperation was with him not you😀😬

Sorry no offence at all intended 💐

Justus22 · 27/05/2019 12:16

I'd be furious. I'd be a lot more understanding with him if he was a child and your DH wasn't taking care of him properly and therefore felt he was being pushed out but sounds to me like you house and pay for him. I don't think it's awful that your DH and yourself give him an allowance in general for what it is worth, I'm 34 and my parents treat us all the time (not a regular allowance but they like to contribute) and should they get divorced and all of a sudden my Mum or Dad changed the way they treated us (unless financially challenged) or their home stopped being my home too when I came round, then I'd feel hurt, like we we now being pushed out for their new family.... But you aren't doing this, you've actually welcomed him into your home to live, he still gets an allowance as an adult and you are not threatening his relationship with his father at all so he has no excuse. I'd personally put the little shit in his place with some huge home truths and tell him, that whilst you've been happy to have him in your home, he won't be so welcome if he doesn't stop being so hurtful. Also I'd call his mum on the defense and explain that her son seems to think she's going to be upset about the baby and then tell her of the things he's said, I'm sure she'll be havin a word in no time. Hope you are OK. You'll probably find when baby arrives he will adore them and on the brightside you are having your baby with a man that fiercely loves and takes care of his kids. Don't let it interfere with your relationship, a parents love as you'll soon find out is very powerful, your husband does need to back you but try to be understanding of why he hasn't reacted so strongly as you'd usually expect. X

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 27/05/2019 12:16

Yes he’s being very unreasonable. I think a shocked reaction would be normal but then quickly swallowed down and a smile slapped on. That’s what a normal adult would do when caught by surprise as a normal adult would know this wasn’t about them.

You’re in your 30s and have no kids yourself. He’s gotta be pretty dim not to work out babies were likely!

EKGEMS · 27/05/2019 12:16

It's a competition apparently between daddy dearest and his son to who can be the biggest jackass and so far it's a photo finish. I'd rip your husband a new one tbh and his asshole son would be out on the street his belongings on the front lawn and locks changed

Deathgrip · 27/05/2019 12:20

It’s also his home also

Not when he doesn’t pay any rent as a working adult, it isn’t. It’s glorified sofa surfing.

HollowTalk · 27/05/2019 12:22

Time for him to move out and to become independent. It's a shame your pregnancy has coincided with him staying with you, really, as he's going to say that he's being kicked out in favour of the baby. He sounds very immature.

jay55 · 27/05/2019 12:31

He said just what he needed to to guilt his dad into keeping up his allowance. Even though he should be paying board not being paid pocket money.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/05/2019 12:31

Not when he doesn’t pay any rent as a working adult, it isn’t. It’s glorified sofa surfing

What a nasty attitude to have towards your own son!

I don't think any of the parents of 20 year olds I know would take that attitude. All the decent parents I know of are more than happy to provide a home for their adult children, as long as they're not dissing around doing nothing, and if anything, are sad when they move out. They don't try and replace them with new babies and expect their older children to be happy about it. Loads of young adults live with parents while they save up and get financial support. Most just don't want to admit it.

Lordamighty · 27/05/2019 12:32

Next time he makes a nasty remark & it really is nasty make no mistake, tell him quite clearly that you think it’s time he moved out. No argument, it’s time he stood on his own two feet.

FinallyHere · 27/05/2019 12:35

Congratulations on your baby.

The calls for DSS to grow up and ship out only really service to justify his immediate concern that the baby will negatively impact his life. He seems to have found a pretty cushy billet.

This does indeed not reflect well on DH, who might have been well advised to make sure that the dependent adult son was sorted out before breaking the news of a new sibling.

It is difficult for anyone to wholeheartedly welcome something,or someone, when you can only see the immediate negative impacts.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 27/05/2019 12:37

Just tell him to move out. This can only get worse.

cakeandchampagne · 27/05/2019 12:37

This rude behavior isn’t unusual for him, is it?

Angelinthenightx · 27/05/2019 12:45

Aww wow he seems like a spoilt brat ,he is 20 shouldnt even be getting any money from his dad,he isnt a child anymore he is a young man now needs to grow up & his mum has nothing to do with your life so who cares what she thinks.
I have older boys age 21&18 with my ex and my younger ones with my husband all my lot were happy, also i am 39 and 17wks pregnant, so u and your husbands age has nothing to do with having a baby ,age gaps are really nice in families.
Congratulations op, i hope your step son changes his views, dont let it get to u,he maybe is in shock x

QueenofallIsee · 27/05/2019 12:45

OP, your step son is being entirely unreasonable and borderline intimidating to a pregnant woman in her own home. Speak to your husband, do not play down his sons attitude and make it clear that your home is a place where you are treated decently. He needs to nip this in the bud

I have step kids (younger mind you) and their father would go ape shit if they treated me with that level of disrespect

Calltheguards · 27/05/2019 12:52

Tell DSS that he needs to move out until he learns respect. No more pocket money. He can stay with his mother.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 27/05/2019 12:55

He sounds like a spoilt brat. His Dad needs to tell him to sort his shit out or get out.

SoHotADragonRetired · 27/05/2019 12:55

They don't try and replace them with new babies

How exactly would a 20yo be replaced by a baby? And since when did people require their children's approval, adult or otherwise, to have another child?

He doesn't have to be ecstatically happy. He does have to behave to a grown up and be respectful of his dad's wife in her own home.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 27/05/2019 12:56

He sounds like a spoilt brat. His Dad needs to tell him to sort his attitude out or get out.

Lordamighty · 27/05/2019 12:57

I despair of the posts defending the stinking attitude of a 20 year old man in FT employment towards an unborn child. Time for him to leave & get over himself.