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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

225 replies

VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:09

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Sicario · 28/05/2019 11:31

Your SS owes you a serious apology. Putting some space between you with the hotel room is a good idea. Through all the male bravado, it will certainly give them both something to think about.

Don't bother waiting for your DH to come to the rescue. He's clearly not that sort of man. Send a text saying when you will be back, and saying that when you get home you will be expecting a serious apology. Sounds like they both need it spelling out that he has said some fucking outrageously rude and offensive things to you. "Are you keeping it?" "I suppose my dad's paying for THAT".

If he can't see how rude he's been and apologise properly, I'd be going straight back to the hotel.

churchthecat · 28/05/2019 11:40

That's not an apology.

Xmas2020 · 28/05/2019 11:57

Look @VapeVamp12 you are overreacting, do not put your DH in the position where he feels he has to chose between you or his son, because you may not like the answer.

I think your DH did support you when he had already spoken to his son before you came back from your sisters. You sound more annoyed because they were both sat having a nice time, you sound jealous. You then saw red and started another argument, why?

Put it down to your hormones, go home and look forward to your little one coming. This is not a competition.

Xmas2020 · 28/05/2019 11:59

Hi @twattymctwatterson only just! Im reading and commenting between feeding my little one.

clairelee17 · 28/05/2019 12:18

How utterly rude of him.

When he pointed to your tummy and said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that to get in", I would have said "why wouldn't he? He's been paying you an allowance all this time and you're a fully grown adult, so why wouldn't he pay for this baby" (and point to your tummy)!

Shame him rather than getting upset about it....

sincethereis · 28/05/2019 12:20

@clairelee17

Right yes, pit siblings against each other. Yes, great idea

Deathgrip · 28/05/2019 12:21

I don't think any of the parents of 20 year olds I know would take that attitude. All the decent parents I know of are more than happy to provide a home for their adult children, as long as they're not dissing around doing nothing, and if anything, are sad when they move out

I graduated from university just before I turned 21. When I came home I already had a job (the same job I’d done during uni holidays) and I paid my mum rent from day one AND i wouldn’t have dreamed of talking to her like that, ever. I definitely wouldn’t have dared speak to my stepfather like that, but that’s another thread.

I’m happy for my sons to live at home as long as necessary but if they have a job they’ll be paying rent (which if possible I’ll save up to help them move out) and they won’t be disrespecting me in my own house.

KatherineJaneway · 28/05/2019 12:24

I think a 3 way conversation as discussed by PP is a good idea. You need to clear the air or this could damage your relationships beyond repair if it is left to fester.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/05/2019 13:26

I feel exactly the same, and will do just that if/when the time comes. I still wouldn't expect my sons to be happy about it if I told them I was pregnant, nor would I expect them to be all 'congratulations' to my partner.

Clearly I see this very differently to the majority so maybe I'm wrong, but to me, the more you post op, the more you sound like a complete diva.

Your dh had a word with his son and made him apologise. He did apologise, even though hes clearly not sorry, but a true least there was space for the whole thing to blow over and move on. Yet that's not good enough for you, you keep starting arguments with your dh and then wonder why he's not falling over you to keep you happy. He's done what you wanted, what more do you expect?

You can't force the son to be happy about it, and you shouldn't expect anything to change. Your dh is clearly happy with the way things are with his son and you have to like it or lump it. You don't get to dictate changes just because you're pregnant. You chose to get pregnant with the situation as it is so you'd be much better off just going home, stop picking fights, get on with it, and wait for the SS to be happy about his little sibling in his own time.

Honeybee85 · 28/05/2019 13:35

OP, your SS has actually apologised. No matter if you dont like the form of it, the boy actually took a step. His dad probably thinks its best to let things cool down for a bit and he is right.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I was very unhappy about mums pregnancy at 17. Sje reacted exactly like you and seemed to resent me for having to get used to the idea which made me even feel more distanced from her. My dad told my mum to give me space and I would come around eventually. And he always defended my mum! So I think you need to let go of your anger and stop trying to see everything so black amd white.

SerenaOverjoyed · 28/05/2019 13:38

'Sorry if you're upset' isn't an apology. It is a step though and it might have taken alot for SS to text this.

cuppycakey · 28/05/2019 13:53

OP, your SS has actually apologised.

No. He hasn't. Can we remind ourselves this is a grown man we are discussing, not a child/teenager?

And where is the input from the DH who seems set on minimising the DSS behaviour and dismissing OPs feelings?

Honeybee85 · 28/05/2019 13:57

In his way, yes, I think this was an apology.

What can you expect from a 20 year old in this case? He has made it clear trough this message he feels sorry she feels bad because of him. Its an olive branch offering from his side.

ANewDawn10 · 28/05/2019 14:03

What a pathetic attempt at an apology. Even more disappointing behavior from your husband. I wouldnt plan on going home anytime soon.

SerenaOverjoyed · 28/05/2019 14:06

He hasn't communicated sorry if the OP is because of him. He has said sorry the OP is upset, he has not acknowledged any responsibility or fault on his part.

20 is not a child. He said some shitty things and should own this and apologise. A simple 'I'm sorry' should not be too much to ask.

sunriseagain · 28/05/2019 14:17

@TheRedBarrows you sound very judgemental considering you have no idea what you're talking about! When an adult DC throws a chair across a room and JUST misses your baby's head and then goes to punch you because he is a spoilt and jealous brat then surprise surprise, NO, that person will not be living with us! He's very lucky we didn't ring the police!

NailsNeedDoing · 28/05/2019 14:23

It wasn't a great apology, but then as it was forced and the SS probably doesn't feel all that sorry for his reaction, what can you expect?

It's better than nothing, and more of an apology than I expect the OP has given for all the drama she created when she saw her dh and his son doing nothing except have an innocent laugh together.

Parky04 · 28/05/2019 14:30

He doesn't pay rent but gets an allowance when he works full time!! No wonder he has acted like a spoilt brat because your DH has made him into one!

hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 14:36

It wasn't a great apology, but then as it was forced and the SS probably doesn't feel all that sorry for his reaction, what can you expect?

Well to be honest, if he doesn't feel sorry and stands by what he said, i'd expect him to be packing his bags and living with someone else.

You don't get to treat people like shit and expect them to forget about it immediately after you give a shitty "apology". You certainly don't get to treat people like shit who house you when you're a grown adult with a job. He sounds like a total brat.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/05/2019 14:46

Right, but OP causing two more huge rows after the thing she wanted had been done, because she 'saw red', that's ok is it?

No, flouncing off like a spoilt child because in her opinion her husband hasn't had enough of a go at his son is pathetic behaviour. Especially when she then expects the DH to be all over her with apologies when he's done nothing wrong! He didn't have control over his son's words, yet he has to put up with his wife being a total drama queen and staying elsewhere overnight.

I'm sure we've all been unreasonable in our feelings or behaviour when we've been pregnant, but this much is ridiculous.

hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 15:09

Right, but OP (original post/poster) causing two more huge rows after the thing she wanted had been done, because she 'saw red', that's ok is it? well she hasn't single handedly caused two rows has she? and I would see red as well if someone spoke to me like that, should we just accept being treated like shit as women and step mothers?

No, flouncing off like a spoilt child because in her opinion her husband hasn't had enough of a go at his son is pathetic behaviour. Especially when she then expects the DH (darling husband) to be all over her with apologies when he's done nothing wrong! He didn't have control over his son's words, yet he has to put up with his wife being a total drama queen and staying elsewhere overnight

she hasn't flounced off like a spoilt child at all, she's taken herself out of the situation. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't think OP expected her husband to "have a go at" his son, but Christ if my grown up son said that to anyone I would be having a stern word and whoever it was would be getting an apology within minutes, not a half arsed text after days. Its unacceptable and rude. he's done a lot wrong by bringing up his child to be a spoilt, rude, brat. He didn't defend his wife and he has "spoken to" his child but actually quite clearly doesn't give two shits. She's not being a drama queen what so ever.

Lordamighty · 28/05/2019 15:16

I see the handmaidens have arrived on the thread to let the OP know that it’s all her fault. “Put it down to pregnancy hormones”, FFS.

SerenaOverjoyed · 28/05/2019 15:28

Oh lord.

Right, but OP causing two more huge rows after the thing she wanted had been done, because she 'saw red', that's ok is it?

You wouldn't be shocked and upset if after retreating the house as a result of SS's deliberately rude and offensive comments, you return to find SS and DH both having fun as if nothing has happened? I'd be livid. It's unfair to say the OP caused the rows, she was angry, and DH did not listen to this, and instead minimised his son's shitty behaviour then spent the afternoon playing computer games.

NailsNeedDoing · 28/05/2019 15:41

Fair enough, i recognised i was in the minority with my opinion.

But yes, i do think it's an over reaction to 'see red' hours after the first thing even happened upon seeing th dh and his son playing playstation. What were they supposed to be doing, just pacing up and down for hours waiting for the OP to return whenever she decided?

She did not just take herself out of the situation, she flounced. She left once, went back and didn't get whatever reaction she wanted, so left again. And is just waiting for her husband to message her. He's clearly spoken to his son and told him he's out of order, that's the only reason she got the passive aggressive apology. What else is she expecting? Should the DH drag out a row with his son indefinitely so when the OP decides to grace them with her presence after going to her sisters for six hours he can be sure she sees a suitable telling off?

Of course she has the right to be angry at what was said when they originally announced the pregnancy, but as plenty of posters have said from their own similar experiences, it's pretty normal not to take it too well when you're early 20s and told you're about to have a baby brother or sister. The SS was understandably shocked, I don't see why his reaction is unforgivable but the OP 'seeing red' is fine.

It sounds like she wants there to be animosity between her DH and his son, not for this all to be resolved happily.

hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 15:49

He's clearly spoken to his son and told him he's out of order Tbh I bet he hasn't, I bet all he's said is "can you say sorry to OP" I bet he hasn't said why he should apologise, that he shouldn't talk to his wife like that and he either needs to learn some respect or move out, because that's what my grown adult child would be getting told.

it's pretty normal not to take it too well when you're early 20s and told you're about to have a baby brother or sister maybe its normal to be happy about it, but its not normal to ask ANY pregnant woman If they are keeping it, or refer to a baby as "that" - its rude and disrespectful and I wouldn't give anyone who spoke to me like this the time of day. If it was a MIL talking like that people would be telling OP to go no contact. a 20yo isn't a child and therefore shouldn't bloody well act like one.

somehow I think the last thing she wants is animosity, if she wanted that she wouldn't let the son live with them rent free, would she?

why would any pregnant woman want animosity? she has shite all to gain from that.

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