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Original poster

Stepson reaction to pregnancy news

225 replies

VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 10:09

I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for 5 years, married for just under one year. I've always had a good relationship with my stepson, who is 20. He moved in with us just after Christmas as his Mum has moved a few hours away and he wanted to stay local for work / friends etc.

Yesterday we told him I was pregnant. I don't know what reaction I expected but it certainly wasn't this.
his first question was "are you keeping it?"

Considering I am in my 30's, recently married, I was a bit offended but thought he must just be shocked so let it go.

I said "yes of course we're keeping it, this wasn't an accident". He turned to his dad and said "what, and you're happy about this?". We have both been really excited and his Dad said yes of course I am.

The next thing he said was "this better not effect the money I get from Dad". (His dad gives him an allowance monthly whilst he was an apprentice - he now works full time but this is a whole other thread!!)

I was quite upset so just went into the kitchen because I didn't want to speak to him anymore. My husband came in and said for us to go out for a while so we went to the pub for a drink (OJ and lemonade for me!).

We got back and my stepson was in the living room. We sat down and he said "oh yeah, good luck telling Mum by the way". My husband and his ex have a good relationship and she actually knew about the pregnancy a few days ago and was very nice and said congrats etc.

Now I know he is probably shocked, but he is 20. I'm really struggling to not get very angry with him. I'm close to telling him to move out. It's my first baby and now I feel really miserable that he's being quite nasty about it.

This morning he has asked what we're doing today and I said we might go to the local county show. He said he might come and I said he should be sure because it's £16 for adults to get in and I don't want to have to leave after an hour. He said "oh I bet Dad's paying for that (pointing to my tummy) to get in".

Right now I really feel like just checking into a hotel and leaving them to it. My husband hasn't really stuck up for me and has said maybe his son needs time to process it.

Can anyone offer any advice, I feel really miserable this morning.
Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Starfish85 · 27/05/2019 16:41

Congratulations OP Thanks

I hope the chat with your DH went well and your 'D'SS has been firmly told to apologise or move out.

PBobs · 27/05/2019 16:48

He can't help the way he feels but at 20 he should have better control over how he expresses his feelings.

Justus22 · 27/05/2019 17:15

@S1naidsucks touched a nerve there sorry about that, I don't assume to know anything about your life bar what you've told us on this thread, you compared your past experience of independence and distance when your father had a baby with his new wife I was only saying that it is understandable that you would not see why someone else's parent would handle their childs feelings or support them differently. I agree with you they need to have respect and be taught as much but you can't convince everyone that once over 18 they should cast aside their kids from a previous marriage despite bad behaviour, he shouldn't be allowed to carry on being a disrespectful brat but his father loves him obviously, people you love can be shitty but you don't abandon your kids when they behave badly... Well, some do but guess that depends on the sort of parent you are.

Justus22 · 27/05/2019 17:20

@S1naidsucks also it's not his mother who is pregnant, not that that makes his reaction alright, nothing about it is but he'd likely have handled it differently if it was. OP please don't think I'm not supportive of your situation, I can just totally see how as a parent with grown up children you'd struggle with this situation. I hope your husband puts him in his place and you all can put it behind you. Congratulations on your pregnancy too xxxx

motherofcats81 · 27/05/2019 17:20

@NailsNeedDoing my parents, super supportive and caring, expected me to pay a nominal amount towards living costs when I was working full time in my first job straight after uni. It was about turning me into an adult. I got a small allowance at uni but to suggest a parent must give one to someone working full time ... that's not helping, that's enabling. Yes, getting a nice place to live on your own is difficult but any full time job, even minimum wage, can cover a room in a house share. And it's motivation to progress in life and take responsibility. You are saying people are nasty for doing this?

cuppycakey · 27/05/2019 17:51

Blimey! Don't think I have ever had a comment deleted before! Are we not allowed to use the C word any more?

Ok - Your DSS sounds like a selfish prick. Dreadful behaviour by him. He is a 22 year old man not a 6 year old child. It is clear all he cares about is the money. I would not have him in my house.

Your DH needs to step up and sort this out.

1990carey · 27/05/2019 18:47

@sincethereis I beg to differ. I have a 21 page gap between my life brother and a 23 between my little sister and we have an amazing sibling age gap! They love that they have much older siblings that they can look up to and ask anything about anything. They see me and their other older siblings as siblings nothing else.

OP please ignore other posts, 20 years is not that big of a deal. Speaking as someone who was in your step sons exact position, I can understand that he might have felt shocked! God knows I was Haha! But that is no excuse for his behaviour. I was shocked but I certainly never treated my step mum like that, i pushed any feelings I had at the time, to the side and focused on being happy for them and I have the most loving relationship with my younger siblings! Maybe give him a day or two to think it through and then sit down and have a chat with him. If things don't improve talk to your dp and tell him that he cant let his son treat you like that. Good luck!

melissa1215 · 27/05/2019 18:59

He sounds like a very selfish person and I'd expect him to have some respect if he wants to continue living with you

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/05/2019 19:05

I think your mistake was telling your dss together. He may be an adult. But he is your husband’s child and he accepted you on the scene during his teens, which is a difficult time in anyone’s life.

Finding out in this way put him under a lot of pressure and he behaved very badly. He was hurt and rude then you in turn were also hurt.

If you all go round blaming the other you’ll get nowhere.

As the parent and older adult, the best approach would be for your dh to apologise to your dss for not having a dad / son conversation. Then saying he would like him to apologise to you. He can’t force it though.

magicBrenda · 27/05/2019 19:07

Another man child.

This needs dealing with before baby comes.

Congratulations! Don’t let him take the shine off the pregnancy!

Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 21:23

Hi everyone - bloody hell I didn’t realise there would be so many responses!

So pretty horrific day really. My husband came back from walking the dog. I was just at the computer and he asked me if I was okay. I got a bit tearful and just said I was still hurt from what stepson had said yesterday and this morning. He looked at me incredulously and kind of sighed like I was making a big thing of it.

I said I wanted him to speak with ss. He said he already had. I don’t know when ....

We got into an argument and I said I wanted him to stick up for me. He said he didn’t know what I meant and that ss didn’t mean what he said. I shouted at him saying I wanted him to support me.

Five minutes later I left and went to my sisters house. I was there 6 hours total and he didn’t call or text. I felt really heartbroken. I went home with the intention of getting my work stuff for tomorrow and going back to my sisters but when I got in they were just sitting in the sofa laughing and joking playing PlayStation and I just saw red. Ss went upstairs and I had an argument with husband. I said I was really hurt cos in the last 24 hours it feels like my own husband doesn’t give a fuck about me.

He asked me what I expected him to do.

I packed a bag and now back at my sisters. Genuinely feel heartbroken - 24 hours ago everything was fine. Me and husband rarely argue and now I just feel lost.

OP posts:
stanski · 27/05/2019 21:50

Oh gosh sending flowers Thanks
Maybe something drastic is exactly what he needs to wake up to the fact this isn't nice of fair on you

S1naidSucks · 27/05/2019 21:53

I’m so sorry, OP. You’ve had your answer from him. This attitude of his is why his son has turned out to be a selfish brat. I’m glad you’ve somewhere to go. He’s going to have to PROVE that he’s going to support you and that doesn’t mean abandoning his son, but showing him that he has to grow the fuck up and act like a respectful adult.

Paddy1234 · 27/05/2019 22:02

Oh OP how awful for you
💐
I think you have done exactly the right thing in going to your sisters - they both need a harsh reality check of there actions
Hopefully the ex wife will back you up when she hears of their behaviour

Original poster
VapeVamp12 · 27/05/2019 22:13

Thank you all

To be honest from what husband was saying I’m not hopeful of a call any time soon

I work an hour and a half away so if he hasn’t contacted me by lunchtime tomorrow I’ll book into a local premier inn cos I don’t want to do the journey back and forth for arguments and work is really busy this week.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 27/05/2019 22:16

I am so sorry, OP. Both your H and your SS sound like self-absorbed shits. Flowers Is it your house or do you own it together?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/05/2019 22:19

I’m so sorry to read your update - I hope your husband comes to his senses and calls you!

magicBrenda · 27/05/2019 22:22

How you deal with this will determine how they both treat you from now on.

If you don’t get an apology of them before you go work, turn your phone off and stay out and I’d continue to do that till the both come crawling back.

This is a perfect time to also bring up the living situation and why your unhappy with it.

His son is being a total knob to you and your dh is allowing that. They are both as bad as each other. Stick it out and don’t give in.

Flowers
timeisnotaline · 27/05/2019 22:35

I suppose you need to try as a start communicating more clearly to your husband what you expect. You expect that other adults living in your house treat you with respect , and everything your stepson said since finding outhas been anything but. And that continuing to speak to you like that means he has to move out. You point out you never signed up for living with his children but it’s well over the 3 months he was apparently staying for, and has he thought to acknowledge this from you?

sincethereis · 27/05/2019 23:10
Flowers
Ravingstarfish · 27/05/2019 23:14

It’s his home too, he’s worried about his place in the family. Really? He’s a twenty year old grown man who needs to stop acting like a spoilt toddler

Oceanbliss · 27/05/2019 23:48

VapeVamp12 FlowersFlowersFlowers. That's absolutely awful. He's being dismissive and you don't deserve that. Pregnancy hormones made me a bit more emotional so I can understand why this is very upsetting. Your husband should understand that and be supportive. The way you've been treated would make anyone upset but I think being pregnant makes it a little harder to deal with. Have a good cry then eat some favorite food (cake, ice-cream) and do something that makes you feel good. And Fwiw I've noticed that some men morph into selfish f*ers when their partners become pregnant. I sometimes wonder if they are jealous because they can't grow a baby inside them. I call it womb envy Wink I hope your husband has a wake up call and realise he's being insensitive. Whether he does or doesn't I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and birth. Do lots of nice things for yourself CakeBrewBear

C0untDucku1a · 27/05/2019 23:57

Well of course the ss was out of order and if dh did in fact speak to him, why was there no apology. When your dh realises you wont put up with that shit and apologises you need to make it clear what is unacceptable.

cstaff · 28/05/2019 00:10

I saw your update and was presuming that you had all kissed and made up. I'm so sorry to hear that your dh does not have your back. Hopefully a night away will bring him back to his senses.

As a pp said it is no wonder his son is carrying on the way he is with his dad acting like a spoilt brat himself. Flowers

sunriseagain · 28/05/2019 00:10

It's really awful OP, he's behaving terribly. Same thing happened to DH and I, our adult "children" had a similar reaction when we got pregnant with our first baby together. My daughter was pulling faces at the scan and saying "ewww that's disgusting". We were so upset. The pair of them behaved terribly. We haven't seen either of them for a number of years now since they both cleared off and want nothing to do with us. They were both very spoilt too!