Sonogropher accidently told us the sex of baby

[HollyLou93x]

So I had a growth scan on Monday 37+6 weeks. As midwife was concerned that baby was on the large side for dates. Scan did reveal that baby was already 8lb with two weeks to go. I’m not surprised my LO (boy) was born 10 days late and weighed 9lb 6oz.

When we went in for the scan we explained that we didn’t know the sex of baby and didn’t want to. She said ok, and seemed to understand this. During the scan she asked my LO what he wanted baby brother or sister he said brother and told her what his name would be. She told him that he’d make a great big brother etc. And then minutes later she said look at your brother.
I take that as we’re having a boy. Over the moon about we were happy with boy or girl as long as baby is healthy! I had a feeling boy all along but can help feeling disappointed that she revelaved this special information weeks away. We love the surprise at birth that’s why everyone gets the choice to find out gender right?

Would anyone complain or try to get confirmation??

Can’t get over the nasty responses here!! OP I think I’d be gutted and feel just like you if this happened to me. I would understand that it was a mistake and I wouldn’t complain, and I’d of course be happy and relieved that baby is healthy as are you, but I’d still be gutted.

Comments suggesting that you’re spoiled or you diamond shoes are too tight are just ridiculous. Fair enough people can point out that complaining would be unfair to the sonographer or whatever, but the nastiness is uncalled for.

I'm astonished that some people think they have some kind of "right" not to know the sex of their baby. It is a preference, which sonographers will try to respect.

So is it the default to tell people now? (genuine question)

I didn't find out the sex and the sonographers and other health care professionals referred to DS as a he and a she throughout

Its sounds like she was just playing along with your son.
Certainly not worth complaining about as you can’t even be sure she even knew the sex of the baby and wasn’t just playing along.

It’s disappointing when you wanted a surprise but in a couple of weeks when baby is born and you’re busy bonding this will seem irrelevant and minor, (especially if it turns out to be a girl after all)

I'm astonished that some people think they have some kind of "right" not to know the sex of their baby. It is a preference, which sonographers will try to respect.

This. Pregnancy is not an experience that NHS sonographers have to ensure you are living your best scan

Next time, pay for it.

HollyLou93x I get it. This isn't about making a complaint, it's about being disappointed that the sonographer slipped up.

It kind of is about complaining if she mentions complaining.

But hopefully OP has got the message that complaining would be a ridiculous thing to do, that she was lucky to be allowed to take a small child in there anyway and that the best thing all round would be to try and forget about it, particularly given that it wasn't actually clear what the sonographer meant anyway. And that if she has any more, maybe don't choose to take the kid in when you have another parent they could be left outside with, so the issue of the sonographer being distracted by a toddler doesn't arise in the future.

There's only 2 weeks to go, what does it matter. And you can't be sure of the interpretation anyway. In your shoes I'd just be glad your baby is healthy, approaching the most risky bit of pregnancy. Many people who experience devastating late stillbirths don't and probably would not be thinking about complaints at this point.

I think you're over-reacting a bit, sorry.

For what it's worth, I had loads of scans with my first baby, almost daily for the last 3 weeks as she was transverse and I was an in-patient. They nearly always said 'he is doing this' or 'he is doing that' - she is very definitely a girl. Most of the time they have no clue, but just avoid saying 'it'.

Next time, pay for it.

How can you pay to not know the sex of your baby? OP’s was a third-tri growth scan as midwife was concerned about size.

What you can do is not look at the screen. Doesn’t stop the sonographer ‘slipping up’ but I don’t think that’s even what happened here, and the OP can’t know so it’s still a surprise. (Mind you I’ve had lots of scans and never wanted to know the sex, and the only time I thought I saw a penis it turned out I was wrong anyway!)

I would be pissed off if I'd already told her I didn't want to know when I went into the room. I'd maybe have said in that moment "we told you we didn't want to know!" But I wouldn't complain afterwards. I understand how you feel. She could've just been playing along with your little boy and had no idea you'd take it as a fact.

I doubt the sonographer even knows what the baby is. At my growth scan they asked if I wanted to check the baby's sex, I said yes and they had to specifically hunt for the relevant ahem area. You expressed you didn't want to know so she wouldn't have checked, it isn't part of the growth scan, she was just being nice engaging with your son.

You are entitled to have your baby's sex kept between you and your busband if that's the view that you've expressed. The sonographer is there to do a job - properly. Irrelevant whether it's Private or NHS

Not necessarily - there are plenty of congenital conditions that affect only one of the two sexes. If a scan indicates that your baby needs extra inutero and/or postnatal support, an entire medical team many need to know.

The only way to ensure that the sex of an unborn baby remains entirely secret is to opt out of scans/screening tests and have all monitoring done the old fashioned way, via Dopplers, the midwives’ hands and a tape measure!

Next time, pay for it.

How can you pay to not know the sex of your baby? hmm OP’s was a third-tri growth scan as midwife was concerned about size.

OP has to pay for the sonographer to honour her very non-medical request about the sex of her unborn child. The only way she has a right to complain is if her paid-for sonographer ignores her request. An NHS sonographer has a job to do which does not involve pandering to parents.

Do you lot seriously think the OP is reading any more? She got the message ages ago...not to bother posting on MN again in a hurry.

Well done.

OP has to pay for the sonographer to honour her very non-medical request about the sex of her unborn child.

No, she doesn’t, because finding out the sex and telling you the sex is something that sonographers have to actively do over and above the medical procedure they’re doing already. That’s why some hospitals won’t tell you - because there’s no medical need to know and they’re short enough on time and resources as it is.

At any rate she couldn’t have paid for a growth scan for medical reasons for which the midwife referred her to the hospital. That’s not what those private get-a-peek-at-baby scan clinics are for.

I agree that most people on here are being rude!
Such a shame that this lady has posted for the first time on here probably looking for others to talk to and this is the response she gets, wow.

I am with her on this one, she has come almost to the end of her pregnancy and would have liked a surprise. In the delivery room that would have been amazing news after waiting so long to find out. I'd be devastated.

Not necessarily - there are plenty of congenital conditions that affect only one of the two sexes. If a scan indicates that your baby needs extra inutero and/or postnatal support, an entire medical team many need to know.

That's an excellent point actually. Sonographers have professional obligations and those might interfere with a patient's stated wishes about being told the sex. There isn't an entitlement to force a practitioner to fail in their obligations because you want them to.

53rdWay, I am not sure we are coming from that different a position but you carry on.

kpeanut this was a scan to check her baby was ok. There could have been genuinely devastating news, but there wasn't. Being told your baby is fine and there is nothing to worry about should be seen as something wonderful and positive and to be celebrated. It is the most important news for any pregnant mum.

The sonographer didn't tell her, she made 'conversation' with a small child and her meaning about 'brother' wasn't clear, if how the OP describes it was what happened.

I appreciate that the OP may have been looking for support, but it is a funny way to go about it, complaining about a service that gave her really good news and was free at the point of delivery.

blueshoes then I’m not sure what you’re saying? You seem to think that the sonographer finding out and revealing the sex is a standard part of the medical scan, which it isn’t in the NHS.

I did this when I had a complaint not a Sonographer but something else. No one lost their job just a reminder to listen to the patient when it is very important.

The NHS is overstretched it doesn't mean you can't make a complaint. Remember pressure goes up not down to the end user.

You do not have to go private and it is not special treatment that you are requesting. The NHS is paid for by mandatory NI. We do not have a choice but to pay for it, even if we choose to pay an external provider.

They do ask for feedback and you would be right to tell her line manager. If you feel this is not right then use this flowchart for guidance.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/health/nhs-and-social-care-complaints/complaining-about-the-nhs/tips-and-tools-to-help-you-make-a-complaint-about-health-services/nhs-complaints-process-flowchart/

I don't think it's confirmation either way! Not being in the room, it's difficult to interpret, but she could have been saying to the baby "look at your brother", i.e, saying to baby, your big brother is here!

I think it's lovely she made the effort to engage with your DS. It can't be easy to do this and concentrate on all the measurements that the need to do which require a lot of focus.

I do feel that people who are saying they would be devasted being told the sex need to get over themselves a bit. There are sadly lots of people who are given genuinely devastating news at scans.

Until you experience this, you may not be neccessarily aware of this, but I think it's advisable to consider whether "disappointed" is a better choice of word as it more accurately reflects where you are on the scale of outcomes.

It would be so enormously petty to complain causing the flowchart to be triggered. It was a slip of the tongue - if anything OP should have said at the time "oh gosh we really don't want to know the sex" at that point and the sonographer would have said "oops sorry".

I agree listening to the patient is important, when matters of mental health or well being or knowing your body and respecting one's privacy or dignity are concerned.

I'm sure the OP can get over not having a "surprise!" when the truth will be revealed in a week or two anyway.

But it wasn't actually confirmation of your baby's sex. You're just assuming something from a comment which, many other posters agree, could be interpreted differently.

To be honest, from the way you've reacted to the comments you've received here you seem to be looking for ways to be offended.

Sorry you feel disappointed, I think I would too especially as she told your son, if she doesn't know she's raised his hopes and if she does then she has taken that moment from you. I wouldn't complain though, in the grand scheme it's not what the scan is about. I'd probably have asked her why she told him that there and then rather than complain, services are stretched as it is and its not health related. Re the other posters being horrible to you for asking I'd ignore it. Some people have been through horrific grief and loss and their reaction is about their hurt not you, its not personal. I think we'd all find most things small stuff after losing a baby but you aren't going to naturally think that way and that's not personal either. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy anyway. Not long to wait now. X