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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

211 replies

JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 12:16

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

OP posts:
cakesandphotos · 04/08/2018 12:24

This is a really tough situation. My DS is 6 months and a positive test now would be the last thing I would want! But I understand how you feel re abortion. Can you and DH get away from the children for a couple of hours and have a proper discussion without distractions?

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 12:37

That's how I feel, it's by no means what I wanted to happen and I feel so stupid and embarrassed and sorry to my husband that I've even got us in this situation. I was off the pill for a week with a stomach bug but I was sure I'd followed the instructions properly and waited sufficient time before we had sex again. I keep going over and over it in my head but I just don't know how I've managed to get pregnant; clearly I must just not have been protected. He's being lovely about it, very supportive and understand of how hard it will be for me to go through it all, but he's made his mind up and I don't see any other option for us anyway. It's horrible.

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greendale17 · 04/08/2018 12:39

Sorry but I think your husband is taking a lot of sense here.

confusedandconfuddled · 04/08/2018 12:43

I think your husband's reasons are very valid and make sense, but just to also point out that contraception isn't only your responsibility and you shouldn't feel any pressure to be a "trophy" mum or wife. If being a SAHP doesn't suit you can you not change that? It doesn't benefit anyone to have you at home, unhappy.

Good luck with whatever decision you make Thanks

Figgygal · 04/08/2018 12:47

Your husband has very valid points and you were actively trying to avoid pregnancy for likely those reasons. What is your concern about an abortion?

In your situation I would be putting your existing children and your own mental well-being first and seriously considering terminating

53rdWay · 04/08/2018 12:48

He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.

These are reasonable points. You not wanting to have an abortion is also a reasonable point. At the end of the day, what you do with your body is your decision, and while your husband of course gets a say in what he feels is the best way forward this isn't his unilateral decision to make.

I'd tell a trusted friend or relative that you know will be sensible and support you whatever happens. (I appreciate your husband doesn't want you to tell anyone, but again... this is your body, this is happening to you, this is your feelings about the situation, you get to reach out to your loved ones for support.)

53rdWay · 04/08/2018 12:50

(And whatever you decide to do about this pregnancy, you sound bloody miserable as a SAHM and should look into alternatives to that.)

Mishappening · 04/08/2018 12:51

"sorry to my husband that I've even got us in this situation" - " I just don't know how I've managed to get pregnant" Please do not take sole responsibility for this unexpected happening. It takes two.

I am sorry that you are faced with such a dilemma and that life is hard at the moment for you.

Dodie66 · 04/08/2018 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 13:58

I don’t drive which is what had made being a stay at home mum so hard. I also had a really fast paced job prior to having the second baby and although it wasn’t incredibly well paid, it was constantly on the go. I don’t have many friends in my situation either so play dates is a bit out of the question. The only way I can see this being different is that I’ll have a double buggy and we will all be able to do things while oldest child is in nursery. I don’t know. I was all set to go back to university and complete a pgce year so it’s ruined that as well but I feel selfish for putting that above a baby’s life. I don’t know. Thank you for all your kind words and for not bashing me for thinking about abortion.

OP posts:
Original poster
JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 15:59

Dodie66, this is my main fear. I’m not too worried so much about the physical effects of abortion because I’m very early on, it’s the emotional effects. Seeing people in worst financial situations than me having children and coping just fine because that’s what parents do. Being happy for friends who are having babies at the same time mine would have been due. I feel it might make me very sad and bitter. Or I could be absolutely fine and crack on with my teaching and think it was the best decision I could have made in an awful situation. I just can’t predict it.

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minipie · 04/08/2018 16:06

It doesn't sound like you want a third child at all. You are thinking of ways you could cope rather than in any way looking forward to the idea. That is, in my book, a good enough reason for an abortion - especially a very early one. I don't think you need to feel selfish if you choose abortion, at all. To play devil's advocate - one could argue it's selfish to put your own discomfort about abortion ahead of the needs/wants of your existing family. (I don't actually think either decision would be selfish, just saying it could be argued both ways).

confusedmomm · 04/08/2018 16:22

Can't offer advice but just to say I understand the loss of identity issue. I had that too, subsided when DS was 1.5 - my saving grace was the fact I go out daily (I do drive) and eventually got a childminder to give me two days of break even if it's just to catch up on sleep / have longer than 2 min shower and run any errands that I couldn't with the little one around. i didn't know anyone else with kids either so I do feel for you. The only thing stopping me from having another is this. Best of luck as it's gonna be tough either way but we're all here for you x

MrSpock · 04/08/2018 16:28

Why is everyone trying to pressure her into an abortion? She clearly doesn’t want one and has stated this.

I got pissed off when people attempted to do that to me, and told them where to go. It’s incredobly rude imo.

minipie · 04/08/2018 16:45

She hasn't actually said that MrSpock.

MrSpock · 04/08/2018 16:53

She said she doesn’t like the idea of it. Seems quite clear she doesn’t want to?

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 04/08/2018 16:54

Only have an abortion if you want one, don't feel pressurised into one by your husband. Yes it will be hard to have three under three but not impossible.

Have you got anyone in rl you can talk it through with?

If your dh is clear about no more kids is he booked in for a vasectomy?

kayakingmum · 04/08/2018 17:06

All I can suggest is to try to imagine yourself in different scenarios, and which one you would feel happiest with.
The truth is neither option is ideal, but you're the best person to guess how you would feel after an abortion or with an extra baby. Perhaps you could go back to work part time after a couple of months of maternity leave

Figgygal · 04/08/2018 17:20

No one us pressuring her into anything absolutely her choice

just because other people choose to cope with extra children they'd not planned doesn't mean you have to and honestly I wouldn't.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 18:20

Hi minipie, I'm sorry that my post made it sound like I don't enjoy being a mother, or want to have another child; that's not the case. I love both of my children and being around them and I would love to have another one someday, I'm just highlighting the negativity because those are the reasons my DH gave and I agree I'm not 100% happy being in the house all the time with them and have had times when I've been really stressed out by the drag and tiredness. I have spoken to other mums though and I think this is quite normal, I really hope I haven't made it seem that I don't enjoy being a mum or don't appreciate my kids or anything.

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Original poster
JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 18:24

Hi girliefriendlikesflowers, it's not that DH doesn't ever want another child - we would both potentially like another one one day and he has said that, he just doesn't want now. His point is that they're too close together and he feels I need some time to be 'me' for a while - return to studying, get a job that I've always wanted to do, be something other than mum before we start to think about planning a 3rd child. His argument is that if we have another one now, this soon, I'll have to put my development on hold and he's worried I'll feel even worse about being in the house. But I feel selfish for thinking like that, and a part of me thinks well if he wants one one day, why not this one now? I don't know. I'm scared of both situations (sorry that this turned into an essay :( )

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Apileofballyhoo · 04/08/2018 18:25

Just Flowers for you. I've no advice one way or the other - you're the only one who knows how you feel yourself. Except yes to whoever said about a vasectomy. Don't apologise for anything.

Apileofballyhoo · 04/08/2018 18:28

Sorry, cross posted re another child. Honestly, if that's the case I'd be more swayed towards going ahead with this pregnancy. That's just me personally though.

Babdoc · 04/08/2018 18:43

I would go and talk it all over with a neutral counsellor. Put your DH’s views on one side, and just examine your own feelings about it, with somebody non judgmental and who can help you sort out what you really want.
You say that you would like another child at some point, but you wouldn’t have chosen to do it as soon as this. So it seems you have two options: 1) Terminate this pregnancy, get some of your life back, study, work, or do something to relieve the depression of being an isolated sahm, and then have another baby in a few years time when you feel better equipped to cope
Or 2) Go ahead with this pregnancy, accept that it will be exhausting, expensive and possibly depressing, but it will get all the stressful baby/toddler period out of the way in one fell swoop, and you will get your life back rather later on.
Only you can know which option would be best for you, but don’t make the decision out of guilt, or for the sake of pleasing others. It’s your body and your life - the “right” decision is whichever one you make for you. Take a little time to let your feelings crystallise- termination is very straightforward at least up to the 12 week mark, you don’t have to rush a decision.
Good luck OP, with whatever you choose- I hope things work out for you.

Original poster
JuJu2017 · 04/08/2018 18:45

Thank you, babdoc. Do you have any idea where I'd be able to access a neutral counsellor? I know Marie Stopes do offer counselling, would this be unbiased (sorry if stupid question).
I think a problem is that I do feel like I have to rush and make this decision. I want more time, but my dh is already asking me to get on the phone to a 24 hour abortion helpline and get the ball rolling - he thinks it'll be easier the sooner it's done.

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