Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

Your OH is having a knee-jerk response to something unexpected - he can see a quick-fix solution and cannot grasp that for you it is not so simple.

You are already saying that if your teaching career gets dull/frustrating, you will be asking yourself "Is this what I gave up my baby for?" It comes across clearly that an abortion is not what you want at this moment. You have to go with your own gut feeling, because only you can guess how it will impact on you in the future. For some women it is simple and they bounce back emotionally very quickly, but only you can know if that is you. We are all different.

Why not go to the BUPA appointment and take the opportunity to talk it over in detail with them?

If you make the decision to continue with the pregnancy then that is your choice and no-one else's. If you make the decision toend it,then again it is your choice.

It is very hard for you to make a reasoned decision with your OH breathing down your neck; and I hope that a discussion with someone objective might help you move forward.

Dear OP, I am so sorry you have been caught off guard like this, you didn't do anything wrong or get your hubby into any situation, we are very fertile after pregnancy and that wee blip during your tummy bug was all it took.

I was caught off guard with my DH early after we met, my coil fell out and I was 6 month into my degree and 8 months into my relationship with him. I had to set aside my emotions and try to look at things objectively, I started my degree to pick up my life after being homeless with my toddler, i didn't want to take any chances. My heart said it was wrong but for once I listened to my head and although it was a terrible choice to make I never regretted it as I had to be my best for the child I already had.

11 years later and dh and I are still together, we never forgot what happened and we still speak about it now. We are expecting our 2nd baby together from our relationship and whilst I lament the decision I don't think we would have survived or buit what we have had I decided differently.

Whatever you decide OP, you don't have to justify it to anyone and should never be ashamed of the choice you make either way. Hopefully your DH will respect your choice in this and support you whichever path you take

So today is my first day since finding out that my dh is at work and I have time to think on my own. One of my worries is that before I found out I was pregnant, I was taking codeine for a bad neck and I'd drank alcohol, a few glasses of wine, a gin or two. Will this have already affected the baby?

I took codeine in my first pregnancy for pain, as I was told to. DS1 was fine. The first couple of weeks, no one knows they’re pregnant and unless they’re actively trying, all sorts of drugs get taken. I wouldn’t worry - the baby doesn’t even have a placenta yet!

My DD (whose third pregnancy, like yours, was unplanned) drank etc in first few weeks. The child is fine. She had got her life planned before she became pregnant with the third - fundamental things like selling house and buying bigger, as with them both back at work F/T they could afford it.

But they had the baby, and it has all worked out fine - still in their small house, but very happy with No.3.

Go and talk to your MIL. You are going to need more real life support that your DH is willing to offer no matter what you choose to do here.

Thank you all.
This morning I was messaging dh about it on fb. I just wanted to tell him that I didn’t think I’d be able to go through with it because I’d feel guilty forever and anyway I don’t know what happened but I ended up accidentally sending a part of the message to my cousin. She messaged back asking if I was pregnant and if I was okay. I told dh and he’s messaged her back saying we’ve just had a scare with a faint line on a test but we’ve been to the doctors and their test was negative so my cousin was like oh it must have been an evaporation line, glad it’s fine. He’s just told his boss what’s going on though. My cousin is extremely supportive and lovely and we get on so well, and now I feel like I’m lying to her and also like dh has made it so that I can’t just go back and be like btw I just lied to you, I am pregnant. Her sister has also been trying to get pregnant for years and now has basically been told her chances of conceiving naturally and carrying are ridiculously slim and I just feel horrendous more now thinking of that. What an awful situation. I’ve got a consultation booked for Friday with a scan to date the pregnancy.

He’s a manipulative shit OP, tell him to fuck off. I understand you need support right now but you don’t need this berk forcing his opinions on you.

HI MrSpock, I am quite angry that he's told his boss - a stranger that I've never met - what's going on, but he's banned me from telling anyone and has lied to my cousin on my behalf. He's going into work again now after popping home to have a chat with his boss about how he's feeling and how he can be supported while this is going on.
I feel like he may have been trying to do the best thing for me in a way because I was really freaking out after I accidentally told my cousin, but only because she's against abortion really, wants a third child but her husband doesn't, and her sister's situation is pretty awful, but I think deep down she'd still be very supportive. A few years ago, she fell pregnant on the injection after accidentally missing an appointment, although she did sadly miscarry and her children were much older than mine are, so she may understand.

Every time you post about what your husband is doing/saying my opinion of him sinks lower. I hope him being away from you today is giving you an opportunity to think clearly without his bullying. Thinking of you OP.

Op you are a grown woman and your husband cant ban you from telling people. How dare he tell you, you cant talk to people about this and get some support. But he goes and tells his boss so he can get support! Im fuming for you.

Pleased please talk to your cousin or mil. You need some rl support.

At the end of the day this has to be your decision. Its easy for your husband and others to tell you to get an abortion but they aren't the ones who have to live with the physical and emotional scars having an abortion can leave.

Do whats best for YOU.

Op Your husband is controlling. Tell Your cousin. You need a ally Irl.

How would you feel if your husband left
You after you had the abortion?

I fell pregnant (very unplanned) when my first baby was 5 months old. Tbh having them so very close in age meant they pretty much grew up together then were sent off to school within a year of each other. It made things more full-on initially but didn't really change the lifestyle that we already had in place. I have friends who have faced an accidental pregnancy a good number of years after their youngest DC and personally I feel it's much harder that way. Having a one year age gap only delayed getting out of the baby/toddler stage by an extra 12 months.

But obviously it's just a personal thing and different for everyone. Sorry you are going through this

So his reaction to your cousin screams that he clearly assumes he is getting his way and will talk you around. Speak to whoever you want, you don't need his permission.

Pls don’t do abortion. I am also pregnant with the 3rd and we were also both surprised to say the least, my husband didn’t want to know about it at all. But now at 24 weeks we feel happy, it’s a boy after 2 girls so he is so excited as always wanted s boy. I know some people did have the 3rd one abortion and to this day they have regrets :( you will see it will all work out, and one day you will be happy you have made the right decision. It’s gonna be hard but they will grow. I am number 5 for my parents and was deffo a surprise but imagine if they didn’t have me ;)
You will be fine. Just give time to your husband and keep it for u. Xxx

I feel for you.
I think that having another baby later would be far more disruptive than to have chaos for a bit now.
I also really don't like the way your DH is trying to corner you into an abortion- I would be telling him to get to fuck with his comments etc. His reactions are awful , bullying and I believe if you let him push you into this, you will resent him a lot.

He is being horribly manipulative and I think a previous posters suggestion of an impartial counselling session is an excellent idea.

And maybe learn to drive?

Your husband has spoken to his boss about how he can be 'supported' through this time??? But has basically told you to put up and shut up?
He sounds like an absolute dick OP.

Tell your MIL. You need at least one person on your side that will help you make a decision, because your husband clearly does not fall into this camp, he's only looking out for himself.

I hope you're taking on board these comments op, your husband is showing his true colours sadly.

Stand up for yourself and don't let him shout you down, this is your choice and your choice only. He is allowed an opinion but that's it. You can talk to who ever you want and he has no say over that.

Yy to learning to drive, I think in the future you will need as much independence as possible!

Everything you are posting makes me think you want this baby deep down and your husband is pressuring you and making you doubt yourself. He is behaving dreadfully, cutting you off from support so the only voice you are hearing is his, bullying you to do what he wants?! If he said you guys could manage and it is up to you would you even be considering an abortion? Honestly?

You need to tell someone else, before you do anything. Be it a counsellor or friend or family! He wants to pretend this pregnancy never happened by not telling anyone, but it doesn't work like that. YOU need support!

Just to add you say financially a third won't make that much difference but as a parent of three I have to say it really does- three in childcare is a fortune and you need a certain size car, we are finding holidays expensive to as often are expected to get a second room.
Not trying to put pressure on you but it is important when deciding if money is a factor

Thank you for all your comments. He’s still adamant that we are having an abortion. I can see what you all mean about him being controlling. He does try to say oh if you don’t want to do it then I can’t force you but I can’t see it working out. I have a scan on Friday at the abortion place and I asked him if there’s any way he’d change his mind and he he said if we see a heartbeat he might have to rethink but we aren’t going to, only going to be 5 weeks or so I think. I’m also worried about telling my parents! I’m mid twenties so not a child but my mum and dad will be really angry with me. My dads very volatile and wasn’t happy when I was pregnant with my second (planned baby). I feel like telling them would just cause absolute uproar and they’d be in dh’s boat. I’ve asked him to tell mil and sort childcare if he really wants to go on Friday but he hasn’t done either, wants me to lie to my mum and have her to have them on Friday.

Please, please tell your MIL, your cousin, a BACP counsellor, anybody who can be supportive about this. Don’t let him bully you into staying quiet and lying to people.

It sounds like your parents are very controlling and as such youve walked into a marriage with a controlling man and think it is normal.

You really need counselling.

Probably c0unt, my dads controlling and selfish behaviour over the years has definitely changed me and made me more nervous. We get on very well when life is going smoothly, but whenever there is a blip my dad talks about himself and only ever cares about how it affects him. His favourite one is to tell me how much it’s worsening his heart problems and will kill him (we both have a type of AF). I don’t know. I just want more and more to run away and never look back. I do want the baby but obviously I have concerns about money etc but I think we could work through then. Holidays will be an issue but I genuinely don’t think it’s a legitimate reason to have an abortion. But dh doesn’t want and my parents will probably disown me for causing them stress. Just fml.

Well you’ve said it there. YOU want the baby so do what you want. I think once they get over it (parents and DH) they will just have to accept it. They are being selfish only considering how it affects them whereas you are considering their feelings more instead of your own. I don’t think you really want an abortion and would regret it for the rest of your life. Hope it all works out for you