Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

OP please please please don't have an abortion just because you are being pressured into it. Terminating a wanted baby will be traumatic and is likely to leave scars - and you'll probably end up resenting your husband forever. You sound so unhappy and clearly are being steam rolled into a decision which you seem to intuitively know is wrong for YOU. Is that type of coercion even legal??? You husband sounds awful and clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart. You need to distance yourself from him mentally and seek some outside support - the way he's been acting is quite abusive frankly, cutting you off from real life support and trying to control the narrative. PLEASE don't terminate if in your heart you feel you want this baby. You already know you can make it work - if you wanted to have a 3rd anyway, what's another year in the grand scheme of things? Often things don' pan out exactly the way we plan but so what, life's not an excel spreadsheet. Most importantly though, you sound like a thoughtful, caring and sensitive person and if you get pushed into getting rid of this (now wanted) baby, you'll potentially be made to live with a burden you may find too hard to carry. Do what's right for you and please, seek support and don't let him bully you. x

Your dad sounds like my mum. Distance yourself from him. When you have done the pgce holodays wont be an issue mostly. Not all always match. But odd weeks and days are easier to sort than 8 weeks. Really prioritise your driving test.

Your baby husband is being an insensitive prick. When I read your first post I personally thought a termination was your best option. Then I read further and see you both want a third one day anyway. It makes financial sense to have it now, instead of having to go on a career break later. With such a small gap it would be hard but easier financially. Your husband is not listening to you, or respecting your feelings or your choice. He was an absolute bastard to not postpone visiting the new born. I think you want to keep this baby. I think you should tell your MIL and get her on board. He doesn't get to dictate who you tell. Discuss it with whoever you want to.

I meant to say your husband not your baby husband. It wasn't a poor attempt at talking like a teenager.

Haha, pressuredrip, your last comment made me laugh. You are right, though. My first post, looking back, was extremely negative, and completely missed the fact that most days, I am fine, but I have struggled sometimes with the isolation. I worry about the financial effects of having this baby. I’ve had maternity leave with my first two and with this one I won’t. I’ll also be having the baby around April time, and that will be part way through my Pgce. I feel like these are all things that we could work out though if my husband would just sit down and talk to me but he won’t entertain it. I can feel myself resenting him already for not wanting to discuss anything. I can understand why he wants an abortion, but I feel like he could at least sit with me and discuss finances etc and having it, even if st the end of it he said he still didn’t think it would work.
Mrslebear, I am unhappy. I don’t know what to do and I’m completely alone. I asked him if I could talk to people and he said he’d rather I didn’t. He seems to think after the abortive we’d just move on and nobody would ever know, but I feel like it’ll cause problems for us and he’s grossly under estimating how much of an impact it will have. My cousin I could speak to but she’s very anti abortion so if I do end up going through with it she will probably resent me a little.

Op you need to realise that it isn't his choice; it is yours. Entirely. As is the choice to tell someone and I really think you need to talk to a friend irl. He doesn't want you to because he would have less control over you if you had an ally to boost your confidence in your decision making.

God he is an arse. Please, please don't have an abortion unless it is 110% what YOU want. You will regret it forever if you do.

I just have so many worries and the fact he’s so unsupportive is making me think it would be for the best in a round about way! I’d definitely need help from him and he’s just showing he’s not willing to give me any of his time or care. He doesn’t see it but it’s alreasy causing problems and won’t be something we will be able to brush under the carpet.

I'm not sure how you're going to go through an abortion you don't want, it's just awful.

Stand up to your husband fgs, you sound like you're saying it would be best as he will be happy and that's all that matters 😡 if you allow him to control this then that sets a dangerous precedent.

Talk to someone, anyone who is not your h.

It sounds like you will need as much support through and after a termination as you will through a pregnancy. The long-term effects either way for you are hard to weigh up. If your DH is prepared to push the abortion but not prepared to go fully to that place with you and really be there, I would be listening to him less. Because you're the one who will have to deal with it.

I asked him if I could talk to people and he said he’d rather I didn’t
He's not letting you talk to your friends. That's controlling and short-sighted.

You feel the pregnancy is something you're sorry 'to him' about. Even though you didn't make a mistake and contraception is a shared responsibility.

He is not taking your views and feelings on board because they're inconvenient.

I'm sure he's lovely generally but you have got to get yourself a backbone.

I asked him if I could talk to people and he said he’d rather I didn’t

The fact that you asked him for permission is a really bad sign in the first place. It isn’t up to him who you speak to for support. It is up to you. You deserve support and you would not be doing anything wrong by speaking to someone you trust.

He was happy enough to tell his boss because of what he might need!

I've just read the part where your DH thought it was normal behaviour to get himself some support from his boss (without asking you) while banning you from talking to others!! And took it upon himself to lie about your pregnancy to your cousin (who must think he's super strange - who suddenly appears in a text conversation like that?!).

He's not generally lovely. He's controlling and you can't see it because you grew up with someone controlling. Also, he shouldn't be criticising how you behave when you're out socially. Everyone makes mistakes. It's not his job to police your actions, especially when he knows you're desperately worried.

I agree completely. I do need to get a backbone but I’m always afraid of upsetting him. I’m scared of forcing him to have a child he won’t love.
My cousin is coming round soon to see me. She thins everything is fine. Any advice on how I explain that I lied and am actually pregnant and struggling? :/

Op, it's entirely up to you whether you talk to friends. This is happening to you It is in no way your fault. I had an abortion that my ExH forced me into and I regretted it for years.
Whatever choice you make you will risk your relationship. Another child will be another couple of years of hard work, but it's mostly extra joy & love after that.
Wishing you all the best.

Any advice on how I explain that I lied and am actually pregnant and struggling? :/

He’s the one who came up with the lie, don’t beat yourself up about it.

I find it helps with conversations I’m worried about to just work out the starting words in my head. Just set it out for yourself: “I have something I want to talk to you about. I’m pregnant and I’m worried.” Once you’ve said that out loud to her, the rest of the conversation’s going to come much easier than you think.

What a horrible, controlling man.

OP, it's an incredibly difficult time for you now. You need all the support you can get. STOP ASKING PERMISSION - you are your own self. Talk to whoever you need to, you won't get another chance.

Wishing you all the best with YOUR decision.

Keep the baby and get rid of the old man. He says “we are having an abortion” wtf. How’s he having one. I’ve heard it all now

Your husband is a controlling arse. I began the thread with some sympathy for him as well as for you, but now I have none left for him.

You don't want the abortion. So don't have one. Stop asking him for permission to talk to someone. Just do it. Tell him that as he has already discussed it with someone else you will not listen to him trying to forbid you to do the same.

Tell your cousin exactly what is happening. Tell her that he is trying to force you into a termination and that he forced you to lie to her even though you really are pregnant and want the baby.

Sod what your husband thinks or says. He hasn't been worrying too much about how his behaviour and actions affect your feelings, has he?

You need real life help. You probably have the opportunity to get it now from your cousin, so seize that opportunity with both hands. Don't let it go and then be railroaded into something you know you would regret big time.

I am concerned that you felt you had to ask his permission to talk to others about this problem, in which you clearly need help, support and advice. He does not have to give you permission to turn to people for support. He can say he would rather you did not do this;but he cannot veto it.

Reading your posts leads me to think that you must not have an abortion; it is something that has to be done with your whole heart or you will have a difficult time adjusting afterwards.

I was involved in some government research into the Termination of Pregnancy Act and it was remarkable how many women went on to get pregnant quite quickly afterwards. It is tempting to feel they were wanting a replacement for what had been lost. It was also clear that for many women the emotional after-effects could be far from trivial.

OP I get that you're worried about how you're H will react but please remember that, whether you choose to keep this baby or abort, this is happening to you, not him. You have to deal with the pregnancy or abortion, not him. Your body is the one that must deal with either carrying this baby through pregnancy. Your body is the one that has to go through with childbirth and any injuries that occur during. Your body is the one that has to deal with the pain of abortion. Not his. And your mind will be the one most affected by being coerced into a decision you don't want or agree with. Do not let him make this decision for you. It's not his right, it's yours.
And please speak to someone you trust so you have some actual support. You H should be supporting you, no matter what.
As for finances, you will manage. Someone once told me that if you wait until you can afford children you would never have them.

Just tell your mil and cousin and don’t ask him if you can talk to people! You want this baby, this baby wants you. Don’t have an abortion.

LeeValley2 hit the nail on the head. You want this baby, he/she is already growing inside you, and that should be the end of it. It is your prerogative as his/her mother to decide how this pans out. I can't even imagine how lonely you must feel to be facing all this, alone. Of course your husband is entitled to an opinion but this is your body, you are the baby's mother and the only person who can really truly decide about their existence (or lack of). Please speak to your cousin and MIL. You're under so much pressure, you need someone to share the burden with and, sadly, this cannot be your husband as he's got his own agenda.

Hello!

I totally sympathise with how you are feeling as I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old - the second one was not planned, but we are very happy. I have struggled with the two being so close in age and money is tight. It has put a huge strain on my relationship too almost to the point my partner just can't cope with working long hours and not being able to even enjoy and spend time with us. I personally couldn't imagine myself having another baby and adding more stress to our lives when right now they are so chaotic and emotional. It is your decision only and I agree with the suggestions above and perhaps you and your husband should talk this through properly with a therapist to make sure the decision you make is the right one. I am not for abortion but I do think that in some circumstances, it is for the best. Good luck with whatever decision you make.