Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

Thinking of you today OP.

I hope that you receive some useful support and advice today. Please tell her/him everything and not just what you think your OH might want you to say. It is important that they fully understand your situation.

I will be thinking of you.

DH dropped a bombshell this morning. He’s had the day off work and his boss has told him it he takes anymore time off he will be in trouble. He’s got a senior role and has had three days off in his first two months there due to our ds being in hospital on one occasion, him being ill and me being ill and unable to look after the children. So basically he’s told me that with the treatment not starting today he won’t be able to come with me next week to the appointments plus have extra days off to wait for me to lose the baby and then give me a break to rest afterwards. The clinic has said they don’t offer treatment over the weekend as they are only open weekedays. So basically I need to go to this appt today which is sorted but then the other two I need to go to on my own and then have the kids in the house when I’m losing the baby unless I can find a babysitter for that day and then just get back to daily life the day after. I don’t know what recovery is like but apparently it’s tiring. I’m starting to think we shouldn’t have the baby because I can’t stand him right now :(. He did say he would ask mil for me but she said she can’t take any time off for anything so his one attempt was futile anyway.

Hi rollonoctober thank you for changing your name change and taking the time to comment, your story seems very similar to mine and how I feel but it sounds like your ds is being supportive. I didn’t think there would be a heartbeat today but there might be. Do they tell you what they see generally or do you have to ask?
I really hope you don’t mind me asking but how did you find it with three children after two? Was it more difficult? Incredibly more expensive? How did you cope being at home, or did you work? Sorry for the questions and obviously you don’t have to answer but I haven’t actually spoken to someone who has done it with three children yet.

Hi OP. When they did my scan at BPAS she just said that she could see the pregnancy, then did some measurements and said it was around 5 weeks. The screen was turned around so I couldn't see it and she didn't offer any further info. It was only when I asked that she told me she had seen a heartbeat.

To be completely honest, going from 2 to 3 was harder than I expected, as so many people had told me that third babies were easy and just slotted in. Actually my third was my most difficult in terms of sleep and had some reflux issues so the first 12 months were tricky. But pretty much as soon as he hit 1 he started sleeping through which made a massive difference and he's such a happy smily character that he has everyone wrapped round his little finger. We were very lucky in that I am a SAHM and financially we are fine so it didn't really impact too much from that side of things.

Having said that, one of my DH's concerns about this 4th pregnancy was that he felt under a lot of pressure to provide and that he was worried about not being able to give the DC the lifestyle he wanted to re extra-curricular activities, holidays and later, support at uni. I guess that is still a concern, but I'm happy to go back to work once the new baby is old enough if it helps - and I do think he has an overly pessimistic view of things. Having a baby in itself doesn't have to be expensive, especially if you have all your equipment/clothes still from your earlier DC. It's later on when the expense comes.

Really sorry to hear that your DH won't even be around to support you through the termination if you do decide to go ahead. I've not been through one, but did have a MC at 7 weeks after my second child, which I understand is similar. That left me feeling completely drained and weak, even without the emotional side of things, so not something I would want to go through without some sort of plan in place for your DC, they shouldn't have to see you going through that and it is absolutely unfair of your DH to expect you just to get on with it in those circumstances.

I need to go to on my own and then have the kids in the house when I’m losing the baby

You need to ask the clinic if you go ahead with this but FYI the medical (pills) option might not be available in that case. When I was offered medical management for a miscarriage (so the same procedure) one of the conditions was that I had another adult with me at home.

I don’t think your husband understands, or wants to understand, what is involved here and that it’s not a simple case of ‘press this button and the problem goes away’ for you.

He doesn’t. It’s just a mess really. He’s flipping now from let’s cancel and keep it to let’s go and see what’s said today. I’m hoping today will put some clarity on it and maybe make it more real for him. I think he will struggle if we go with it too when he finally realises the enormity of it all. Today is dragging so awfully.
Rollonoctober, thank you for speaking to me. I’m glad your little one settles better for you now. Reflux is the worst. We have been spoilt with our ds2 who although quite clingy and not a fan of me doing housework etc, has been an excellent sleeper. I feel like this baby will be a nightmare lol! My dh has said the same thing about holidays etc. We definitely wouldn’t be able to take three children on holiday and feels like they will be missing out.

Will you have counselling at this appointment? (Sorry if I missed this).

If so, it would be worth thinking about whether you want your DH to come in for the counselling, or not. Might he try to speak for you?

I think the counselling is crucial as the most important thing right now is that you work out whether you want the baby, or not. The regrets happen when people do the opposite of what they really wanted.

I still can't tell from your posts whether you really want this baby. (though it's clear you don't want your DH ruling it out!). Do you know what you want? If so then follow that - the practicalities can be sorted one way or another.

OP my heart goes out to you. You are facing an awful dilemma. I had a medical abortion at 7 weeks. I have to tell you that it’s not a nice process at all. The pain is horrendous, codeine would not even touch the sides. I had to have morphine which makes you feel very strange. You have to “pass” the feutus, it doesn’t look like a baby but you see it. I felt absolutely dreadful afterwards and felt ill for days. Your hormones are all over the place. After all of this I became very depressed for many months. It was 20 years ago but I still think of it every day and wonder what that baby would have grown up to be like. My DP and I went on to have more children who I love more than anything but I will never forget the first one and it’s the biggest regret of my life. I was always pro choice before and at the time my DP and I both thought abortion the best option as we were in difficult circumstances. But things change. My DP also regrets it and it had caused him a lot of psychological problems in the following years. Just wanted to give a view from someone who had been through it. It’s not a quick fix and the after effects can last for many years. But everyone is different. Take care of yourself x

Just reading that back sorry if it sounds negative but them saying that they would “give you codeine” is not a true representation of what would happen and you need to know the truth. You take codeine for a headache. The process of a medical termination feels like you insides are being ripped out. Also it can take quite a long time to “pass”. Sometimes several hours.

I don't want to talk down the practicalities or pressures of having a third child - for example, we had a big 4x4 car that we just assumed we'd fit all the car seats in, but we couldn't and I've spent the last 2 years squeezing in between the 2 car seats in the back while our eldest sits in the front. We've still had holidays, but different ones. So yes, there are compromises and things change. But one thing that never gets mentioned alongside the cons, is the plus points for your existing children of having that extra person in their life. My 2 oldest absolutely adore their little brother and it's been lovely how they engage with him. They're equally excited about the new baby. Yes, he will take time and attention away, but he also becomes another person to love and share your family with.

I agree with a PP that it's very easy for men to assume that a termination is a quick fix and then problem solved. It took mine a little time to realise that wasn't going to be the case - actually after I'd been to the first consultation and couldn't sleep or stop crying. It brought it home to him and he hadn't even been in the appt. Hopefully today will help both you and your DH to talk everything through and for it to come more real to him.

I should say that I am absolutely 100% pro choice and every woman should do whatever she feels is right for her and her family. I'm just getting the feeling from your posts that you feel much like I did - terrified of the practicalities and consequences of keeping the baby (and that fear is absolutely still there) but knowing you won't get over making the decision to terminate.

On the subject of the pgce. You are still so young, I know people who have re trained for new careers in their 30s and 40s and are doing well. Also there is currently a big shortage of teachers at both primary and secondary level which is predicted to get worse. There will be no shortage of jobs in teaching in the future.

Hi miniepie, counselling will be available they said and Dh won’t be allowed in for that I don’t think; they said I could rejoin him afterwards so I’m assuming that’s a no to him being there?

I still don’t know what to do. I’m scared of having a third child too, but I’m more scared of having an abortion. I don’t feel excited to have this baby like I did with my first two and that’s worrying me; there’s no overwhelming love yet or happiness but realistically how could there be yet when it’s all been so stressful?

Rollonoctober, how long did it take for you to get excited about your 4th? And I love your point about your children adoring their little brother and being so excited for the new baby. I’ve been thinking about how it will affect my children materialistically but my eldest will be four and will want to be involved so much more. The baby maybe not, but he’ll never know what it’s been like to have been the youngest and close in age means I’ll be able to use a double buggy which I never could with an independent three year old and a baby. I’m absolutely terrified of telling my dad. I appreciate that that is probably a crazy thing for a twenty odd year old to say but it’s true. He’s seen me at my worst and he will think I’m making a terrible mistake. I also don’t feel ready to shout the news that I’m pregnant for the rooftop yet.

The appt is in less than two hours and neither me nor dh have moved yet. We don’t know whether to go. Part of me thinks we should go just so we can say we explored all options and it was too much, but another part of me just wants to stay home. I wanted a natural pregnancy the third time round when I imagined it previously after two pregnancies that were scanned and monitored from very early on so I don’t want an early scan this time if it isn’t necessary and we aren’t going to do anything. How do I tell my dad that I’m pregnant and want to keep it?

OP this is a different scenario but don’t worry about not feeling the rush of love. I had a few losses after DS1. I had originally wanted an easy, stress free pregnancy. I didn’t get that. I didn’t feel excited when I found out I was pregnant, I felt anxious and afraid. Each scan I cried because I thought they would tell me I would lose them again.

It has NO bearing on how you will love your children. Lots of women have anxious pregnancies - IVF, health conditions, previous loss, unplanned...

Good luck OP

You don’t feel excited because your DH isn’t allowing you to. Instead of thinking of this sentimentally, your brain is being logical to protect yourself. You’d only begin to accept it and feel excited if you chose not to terminate.

I just caught up and read about you wishing to do a PGSE. I did mine (and my degree) with three small children at home. Hardest four years of my life for sure but well worth it. As a PP mentioned, there’s a huge shortage of teachers atm so you will find a job easily afterwards especially if you are wanting to teach a core subject. I teach FE in a college and I found my job straight away, that was three years ago and nothing much has changed. Teachers are dropping like flies so there’s plenty of jobs going spare.

Good luck OP, I hope you find some peace in whatever decision you make.

Some of the things you are worrying about are truly non-issues. You will squeeze three car seats into a car, I’ve done it for years now.

Also agree with a PP that men see abortion as a quick and easy fix. I know some men believe it’s simply a heavy period. I’ve never had a termination but I initially chose medical management for a missed miscarriage last year and almost died, I haemorrhaged and went into shock. I needed emergency surgery so aside from seeing the gallons of blood I lost spread all over the room (looked like a horror movie) and humongous clots, I didn’t see anything else. I wouldn’t have been able to live with that sight, neither would DP. The pain was also astonishing, codeine did not touch the sides. So I would definitely go with the surgical route and I would not terminate at home with children there, no way. You should really have the procedure in the clinic in case you lose too much blood or the pain gets too much.

Please please please go to the appointment and talk to the counsellor.

Maybe you think that going to the appointment means that you have to go ahead with an abortion but it doesn’t.

If you go to the appointment and see the counsellor and decide not to go ahead, that is absolutely fine and much better than not going and staying in this confused limbo.

You really really need counselling and today would be a start.

I struggled with two dc, my youngest is now 6 and I love look at pregnant women, or parents with babies and all I feel nothing but sympathy for them. I really feel for you and this situation, thankfully it wasn’t a decision I had to make but I’m sure I know what I’d do

Oh op, l really feel for you what a tough time you are having.

Three things l wanted to say,

Firstly you clearly will regret having an abortion from all you have said.

Secondly, did you DH not say in his vows he would love and honour you in sickness and in health? for richer and poorer....

He is a bully, and is failing you as a husband and father spectacularly.

Lastly email your controlling father, 'l am happily pregnant with my third child, and looking forward to our future, feel free to contact me to congratulate us, should you not wish too, please do not contact me at all'

Op you really do have to grow up and be the strong parent you are clearly capable of being, stop allowing abusive, controlling behavior from your father, you are not a child.
Also stop thinking about your DH's feelings, he is EQUALLY responsible for this predicament, he had sex with you!

Think what YOU can live with, what YOU want and go from there.....l wish you the best of luck

Hi all, I just wanted to give a little update after today's appointment. So, I went, and DH wasn't allowed in the room with me for any of it, not even the scan. The nurse was lovely, very understanding, and said she didn't think I was doing it for the right reasons, but she was happy to talk to me and scan me to date the pregnancy. She scanned me, and there was nothing - no sac, no yolk, and hardly any thickening. She asked me if I'd had bleeding or cramping and I said no. She did a repeat pregnancy test and got a very faint result - you could literally hardly see it. She's told me she can't say whether it's an ectopic pregnancy, a viable pregnancy, or a pregnancy that's going to miscarry, but she thinks it's strange that the line on her test was lighter than the line on my test and my ClearBlue test said 1-2 weeks last week. So now I've been told I have two options: I can either wait 2 weeks and return to the clinic for a re-scan (nothing more if I don't want, just to see what's going on) or call my local EPU, explain I had a positive pregnancy test a week ago today but the line appears to have gone fainter instead of darker and see if they want to check my HCG levels to see what's going on. So now I'm really worried, and confused again about what to do here. DH is being supportive and says it's my choice. I just feel like I've opened a can of worms. I know I thought I was early but surely the line would have darkened?
She also said as well (as a side line) when I explained about the contraception failure that if I heard about as many people who got pregnant accidentally on the pill as she had, I'd never take it, which made me feel better.

I’m glad you went and the nurse was supportive. Did you see a counsellor at all or have the option? I suppose you need to find out what’s going on first.

If I were you I would visit your GP and/or call the EPU as she suggests, and go to any appointments and scans without your DH.

I also suggest asking your GP about general counselling to discuss your relationship and general well being. I think your husband’s attitude and behaviour is very worrying tbh.

I would call your EPAU OP. I’ve had a similar experience of lightening lines and I lost that baby. They might test your HCG, or scan you again.

I would also suggest getting some counselling generally. Your DHs attitude and your dad’s bullying has probably left you feeling low.

Hi AnotherEmma, I didn't see a counsellor unfortunately; apparently the nurse is an all-round person who has been trained in a little bit of everything - early pregnancy ultrasound and counselling, but she was lovely. She was very upset with what I said about my dad. I've never had a nurse get so personal with me before but she told me about her dad and how he'd sadly died and how she could have told him anything and I was not doing it for the right reasons if it was to avoid an argument with someone. She said the only time she's seen abortion cause negative outcomes for her patients is when it hasn't been done for the right reasons - i.e, for someone else. It's made me more resolute about keeping the baby and she said she'd scan me just to date me for my own knowledge, but found nothing.
@MrSpock, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss :(. It has scared me a lot. Funny what it takes to make you realise you really do want a baby though, the prospect of losing it has upset me so much. I think I will call EPU for some advice as I think my HCG levels need to be checked out to rule out ectopic. I had my levels checked with both boys and they were fine, but my pregnancy tests definitely darkened over the course of the three day wait to see whether they'd double.

I’m sorry this is happening OP, it’s pretty upsetting. If you do have to have any “management” I’d recommend surgical. I have had both and surgical was less painful emotionally, because I didn’t have to see anything.

I know what you mean. My first loss was an unplanned pregnancy and afterwards I was desperate to have another, it made me realise how much I wanted another baby.

If you want to PM me OP, I’m happy to talk to you if you need it. Miscarriage or suspected miscarriage is scary and lonely x

What an absolute headwrecker OP. I do think you should see your GP on Monday. And take this incident as an opportunity to consider counselling.