Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

BPAS offer counselling as well. And no you don't have to rush and make this decision because DH wants you to. It is YOUR decision and you need to know that you've had a chance to think it through in your own terms in your own time, whatever choice you make.

Even your posts here have a lot more about what DH thinks and what DH wants than what you think and what you want. Speaking to someone neutral would be a really good idea.

Are you able to learn how to drive? If you want to do a pgce you really need a car. Carting thirty books on a bus /train is not great.

Hi, I am scheduled to start them in October (yay student finance) but I wouldn’t drive to uni; It would be more to get me and ds2 one out of the house when ds1 goes off to school in September and ds2 isn’t in nursery and obviously so I can travel to schools if placements are far away.

Thanks 53rdway, I’ve just been on the phone to bpas now. They’ve said they haven’t any advisors available until Monday but have taken my details. I don’t know if that’s because I said I wanted to book in though; maybe if I’d have said I wanted to discuss my options I’d have been put through to someone available. DH is adamant. I’ve started being sick today, unsure whether it’s stress or pregnancy symptoms kicking in (not sure how far I actually am as period cycles have been messed up on the pill and I’ve been bleeding irregularly with it for the last seven months but I think it’s quite early) and he just said ‘you’ll stop that soon and feel better.’ He said it whilst rubbing my back and kissed my head, but it shows he’s made his decision :/. How do I contest it if it’s what he definitely wants? He also wants me to go and see his friends newborn baby tomorrow and I’m really struggling with the thought of holding her. I know that’s really selfish and unrelated but my emtions are everywhere at the moment and I don’t think I’m being rational anymore. I want to talk to my mother in law about it because shes the one family member who’d be less likely to judge and more likely to help; she’s also be our go to childcare if/when we meet with doctors or consellors but dh is adamant no one can know. I think he’s embarrassed that it’s unplanned and we are like rabbits in the headlights.

What a difficult situation

I think you need to try and keep calm and think clearly. I imagine the shock of finding out you're unexpectedly pregnant combined with your DH's obvious desire to have a quick abortion has sent your emotions and thoughts all over the place. You really need to get a grip on what you want to do taking into account all of the emotional and practical factors that will influence your decision. It is very unlikely that it will be clear cut and there will probably be some sadness, fear and 'what ifs' whatever you decide to do. You don't necessarily need to feel 100 percent comfortable with your course of action for it to be on balance the best option available to you.

Of course it’s not selfish to not want to go and coo over a newborn when you’re considering what to do about a pregnancy! Look NOTHING you describe here as ‘selfish’ is actually selfish. You are not being selfish to consider an abortion, you are not being selfish to consider not having an abortion, you are not being selfish to have feelings about this that don’t line up with your DH’s.

And he can want what he likes, but you get to want things too, you get to have feelings about things too, and at the end of the day it’s your body and your choice.

It sounds like you’re so in a muddle about all of this that you’re letting his thoughts on this sort of steamroller over yours. I’m sure if he’s a decent bloke he wouldn’t want you to feel like that - and also it’s important for your own mental health going forward that you DON’T feel like that. Whatever decision you make, you want to be able to look back and say “I thought it through and this was what I truly felt was right for me”, not “well that’s not really what I wanted but DH made his mind up so I went along with him.”

It's very early days and you have had a shock. Take time to think through what you want and go with your gut. Your husband has given you his reaction. This may change, it may not. You need to work through this yourself free from any pressure. It's not fair for your husband to ask you not to tell anyone. If you decide not to have the baby you will need support. Abortion may sound like a quick fix for him, but it is more complicated for you, and if what you decide is that you want to have this baby then there are things you can do to get support and beat the cabin fever. Take the time you need and look after yourself and talk to who the hell you want about it.

The more you write about your DH, the more callous and insensitive he sounds! I was gobsmacked that he expects you to visit a new baby while pregnant and being pressured to have a termination!
Please discuss this with someone (anyone!) away from DH, and work out what YOU want to do. It has to be a decision that you can live with - if you’re pushed into something to please DH, and it wasn’t what you really wanted, you will resent him for years.

It's not your dh decision, it is yours.

You need to tell him to back off and stop pressuring you.

If you want to speak to your mil then speak to her, your dh can not tell you who you can or can't talk to fgs! !

Is he normally this controlling? !

I'm so sorry to read this. I was in the situation a few years back albeit with a bigger age gap and I was terrified of the finances etc. I was planning to do a part time degree and get back some of "me" after the baby and small child years.

I actually booked an abortion but couldn't go through with it. To be honest, I love DC3 but life would be easier with 2.

That sounds awful but I just wanted to say there is no right or wrong. I guess whichever way you go you won't know if you have made the right decision. Or at least not for a few years.

Talking it over with a few trusted friends helped. I hope you can find someone to talk to

Hi SleepingNaked, your situation sounds exactly like mine :(. Did you end up going back to do your degree? The one thing that is really making me think I want an abortion is that I really want to do my PGCE. I've worked so hard digging out my uni stuff and sorting with student finance (a bloody feat in itself) and got everything in order ready for it. I had to drop out in the first place for ds1.

Sorry, didn't finish my last comment - but my worry is that I think if I abort the baby and go back to study, I'll finish it all, end up in a class full of kids who don't want to be there, and think I stopped my baby from growing for this? I feel like it would be easier to give up the uni dream for the time being than it would to give up a baby. I mean, what's another year to wait before going back? If I went back to work my wages would never be great because of childcare for the first two children; we wouldn't be in a position to lose out financially until years in the future when ds2 goes to school - it'll just put the plans off for another year really if I have this baby.

Sorry you are experiencing pressure from someone who is actually meant to love and support you.

This may be a quick fix for him, but a termination will live with you for far longer than you can imagine, especially if it's something you have any doubts about.

Uni can wait a year or two, meantime, to keep the brain cells going, do some of the free units on the OU website, they won't give you credits as they are just bite size chunks of units of study, but as you work your way through whatever units of study you want to do, it will help your self esteem, and help improve study skills.

If you are planning another baby in a few years in the future, that will be more disruptive to your career than if you have one now.

Good luck with what you decide, but remember, this is your body, your decision and your baby. Don't be bullied, you will never ever forgive him if he makes you do something you don't want to do or feel it is wrong.

I haven't gone back to do my degree yet as decided it just wasn't practical with a little 1. But I plan to in a few years. I do work part time though and I think if you can sort the childcare it saves your sanity as 3 children are lots of work. It does get easier though.

I think whatever you decide you will always wonder "what if?" but that is so often the way in life anyway. You may also feel guilty whichever way you choose also.

It sounds as if you are young and have many baby making years ahead of you. I was somewhat older and thought my baby years were behind me.

But so many people (I have since found out) have been in this situation. This sounds bad but I never thought an unplanned pregnancy would happen to me. It happened to those other women. But contraception failure or accidents happen to the best of us.

Talking it over with friends helped. They had opposing views but it helped me come to a decision. I will never know what might have been so I just need to make the best of it now. Good luck xx

He doesn't get to tell you who you can talk to. Confide in someone in RL and talk through your feelings and get support.

I havnt been in your situation OP in terms of you abortion dilemma.
However I have completed a Pgce after just giving birth... my DC was born and 7 days later my course started. In truth a forced my consultant to agree to an induction on “medical grounds” so that I’m truth I could go in the first day.
It was the hardest year of my life trying to balance a home, a new baby, uni and placements... but you manage... my baby will never remember that I wasn’t there. I then completed my probation year with a toddler and pregnant with DC2.

I say this not to sway your hand either way but to try to show you that whatever you choose, you can make it work for you and your family. Whether that’s doing it now or waiting.
Good luck with your decision OP -

So last night I asked him if we could talk about it and what the best thing to do would be. I said I’m happy to put uni on hold for another year, did some math and explained that we will be in no worse position financially than we would have been anyway really. He started off really supportive , saying he was happy to talk about all otptions, but it became clear very quickly that he had no intention of listening to my points. He didn’t agree with what I say and it escalated into an argument with him basically saying I wouldn’t be able to cope, we would end up splitting up and we just need to abort. I haven’t really got a choice.

You always have a choice.

Imagine how you’d feel if you aborted on his say so and you split up later on for an unrelated reason.

You have got a choice. It is your body and it is ultimately your decision about what happens to it. He can't demand you have an abortion if you don't want to, just like he can't demand you keep the pregnancy if you don't want to.

You need to speak to someone who can be more supportive than he's currently being. He can't forbid you from talking to people about this.

He sounds awful tbh.

If he forces you into an abortion you don't want you'll resent him and split up anyway.

You absolutely have a choice.

Please get some rl support.

Your husband needs to back off, he sounds like a unsupportive, controlling, dick.

Please, please, please seek outside support. I am 100% pro-choice, but it absolutely needs to be a choice, not something you are forced into by your husband. If he isn't willing to enter into a rational discussion with you, and is just going to resort to bullying you into the making decision he wants... well I would tell him thanks for the input and let him know you will get back to him when you have made YOUR decision.

Speak to your MIL, speak to anyone you need to in order to get your head around this.

If you terminate a pregnancy against your will then that will potentially have MUCH more serious ramifications four your mental wellbeing and future relationship with your husband, than staying at home for extra time with a wanted third child.

Is your husband always so controlling? You sound defeated OP, which is worrying.

He’s not controlling, but he is very opinionated, very stubborn, and always has to be right. We have argued for years about his attitude and how he has to always score points in arguments, win, and basically have the last word. He’s just being the same with this. We’ve just been to his friend and I think I was pretty horrible. Friend was talking about his mum and how he didn’t include her in the birth and I just said I think that’s horrible of you which really wasn’t my place to say but I was so frustrated it just burst out in any way it could I think so now I’m sad because dh said it wasn’t my place and I should have kept my mouth shut. I just want to run away. I don’t want to be around anyone, not my dh, not my kids. I don’t know why it’s made me want to be so alone without them all, you’d think it’d make me want to hold my existing kids more but since I found out I’m just struggling to even focus on them. What’s wrong with me. I’m trying to think of someone to tell but I don’t know who. Mil I think would be a good choice because my sil has three kids and is single and in an even worse financial situation than us but she’s made it work so maybe she’s be able to offer practical advice from both sides.

It sounds like you've thought things through and found a way to make it work if you keep the baby. Your DH does not sound like he's prepared to take into account any other view than his own, but this is ultimately not his decision to make.

Have you had support for your depression? I honestly think it's more normal than not to struggle for the first year or so, it's such a drain and so much falls to the SAHP. Has your DH been helping with getting up in the night with your existing children, etc? Or has he been letting you get on with it 24/7 as it's your "job"?

"You wouldn't cope and we would end up splitting up" - this is basically a controlling threat - "do what I want or I leave you". It doesn't sound like he's prepared to give at all and look at what could be done to make it more likely/easier for you to cope. I'm pretty sure that splitting up is not going to help you cope, it's just pressurising you to do what he wants.

I'd resent him if that was the reason I ended up terminating. If he's laying it on the line as "it's baby or me", I wouldn't pick him solely on the basis of not wanting to be with someone who put me in that position.

"I don’t know why it’s made me want to be so alone without them all" - it's because you need space to think. You can't do that with DH forcing his opinions on you and kids being, well, kids. Try and talk to BPAS or someone objective and neutral, who understands what you're going through with no judgement.

Whatever you do, do it because you want to. Don’t be railroaded into anything- a baby or an abortion- by your husband.