Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

You've just said you would like to keep it. If this is your gut feeling then that's what you need to do. Please talk to someone impartial as it sounds like you're going to have a rough time with your DH if you don't go along with what he wants.

OP I’ve miscarried and had it medically managed which is technically the same process as a termination.

Trust me when I say if you don’t want to do this, don’t do it. I had flashbacks for months about what I “saw” and no one warns you it’ll be like a scene from a horror movie.

I’m not trying to scare you but I’m being honest. My baby was wanted and sadly died, and that was traumatic. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to see that if you were forced into it.

PLEASE don’t let him bully you.

Just on the abortion process - I had a surgical termination, at around 9 weeks iirc, under GA, it was not traumatic or painful and I saw nothing just woke up no longer pregnant.

Of course this is only relevant if you decide you don't want to continue the pregnancy but just wanted to be clear that there are other options than the medical/pessary one.

Right OP. I believe in choice. Tonhave an abortion or not. But you have very clearly said you want this baby. That seems like decision made to me. Sometimes you have to simplify things and it can be that simple.

Please dont feel you have to abort because the option is there. I am not usually one to gloss over financial/practical difficulties, but you seem so clear that you don't actually want an abortion. I am worried about the effect having one will have on you.

Counselling can help greatly. It is a safe space and a chance to voice what is going on in your head. A chance to mull over options with someone who does not have their own agenda. This can be hugely empowering and for someone in your position, with no one around who actually wants to listen to you without influencing you, it is vital.

If I was in your position I think I would try to simplify the decision. Ie do I want this baby? Can I go through with an abortion? Then I would try to find ways to help me cope with whichever choice I made. Eg if I decide to keep the baby, then how will I avoid being isolated, and make financial plans.

I also suspect that you may be in an abusive relationship. It certainly does not feel like an equal, and loving one at least. Some longer term counselling might help you to work through whether this relationship is something you want to continue and rediscover yourself.

You are in this position now. An abortion will only improve your situation if you believe in it and genuinely feel it is the right decision for YOU. If that is not the case, the it is perfectly reasonable to keep your baby and to find a way to cope.

@mrspock, I am so sorry to hear you have been through that :(. I have been offered medical management as I am so early and I am scared. They said they’ll give me codeine.
I’ve called up Marie stopes this evening to double check a counselling will be acailable and to see what will happen tomorrow. Apparently tomorrow is just a consultation and no treatment will begin until next Friday. By that point it will be two weeks since I found out and going off my sons’ pregnancies, that was around the time I saw heartbeats. If I have to wait this long I will not be able to go through with it for anyone. I don’t understand how they can make you wait so long between consultation and treatment. Dh sighed and said he’ll get used to it if I keep it but he can’t even Imagine fitting 3 car seats in the car. I let him know ds1 will be in a car swap until he turns 12 ish anyway so that’s moot.
Wonderwoo, you make an excellent point and maybe I should try counselling. Dh isn’t abusive I don’t think but he has definitely made up his mind and doesn’t want a baby. How far can I take it to force him to become a father he doesn’t want to be before I start taking away his choice? The pregnancy is my fault anyway because I wasn’t careful enough with my contraception. He trusted me and didn’t ask for any of this.

The pregnancy is my fault anyway because I wasn’t careful enough with my contraception. He trusted me and didn’t ask for any of this.

What on earth? No. You as a couple had a contraceptive failure somehow. These things happen, no contraception is 100%. This isn’t some cruel wrong you have done to him. He’s an adult man having sex with a woman, he is aware that pregnancy is a potential outcome of that no matter how careful anyone is with the contraception.

I am really worried that you think you’ve wronged him by getting pregnant, but you don’t think he’s wronged you by bullying you and pressuring you on this and cutting you off from support. That’s really not being fair to yourself.

OP you keep saying you feel guilty for forcing him to be a father, what about him forcing you to get rid of a wanted pregnancy?

Contraception is both your responsibility. It is not just your fault!

I think your partner is very used to getting his own way, but if he loves and supports you as a person he should understand how you feel about this.

FWIW my DS1 was unplanned. I adore him. I was at university at the time so not in an “ideal” position either.

I was on contraception with DS1 by the way and forgot to take a pill due to me being on new antidepressants at the time and me taking the anti depressant registered as “I’ve taken my pill” and I didn’t realise until days after the event. So mine really was my own fault!

So yep, I was a depressed twenty year old uni student at the time I had DS1, but I made it work. There is always a way if you want a baby. I had someone, not my partner, try to pressure me into making a different decision too. They told me I wouldn’t cope, I would ruin my life, I would be even more depressed and that I would be a crap mum. They offered to pay private for my procedure.

I don’t talk to that person now. I never developed PND, haven’t needed anti depressants since before DS was here and DS is a happy child.

I don’t know if any of this helps, but I’m just letting you know you’re not alone and it can be done

Your financial situation may not always be like it is now. You don’t know what the future will bring.

The thing that worries me about your dh being possibly abusive is that you seem very cut off from support of your own. And the way you seem to be taking blame and feeling responsible for his feelings and actions. But that is not really the point of your post. The point of your post is to get support in deciding what you want to do.

Please try not to let issues of feeling responsible for the pregnancy affect your decision. Aside from the fact that I would argue that he has a joint responsibility, it's now a moot point. Whether you abort or keep the baby should be based on whether you want the baby or not and whether you feel abortion is something you personally can do. And the decision should certainly not be influenced by any feelings of guilt for being pregnant in the first place. The fact is, you are pregnant! Full stop, and of story. The only thing thing that really matter now is what do YOU want.

OP. You didnt ask for any of this either! And I am afraid as this is YOUR body and YOU would be having to go through whatever happens next, so then actually your dh doesnt get a choice!

He can express a preference but it is not his choice to make. Tough as it is. (He did however, have a choice to have sex and accept that sometimes contraception fails. And he took that choice without taking action to cover contraception himself.)

In an ideal world you would be gently and supportively discussing the options and your feelings, crying together and working through it as a couple... Safe in the knowledge that your dh would be there for you whatever choice YOU made. But that is not the case here. You have to come to that decision by yourself, and to try and not be influenced by his own strong opinions.

Please try not to see him.as some poor victim. Shit happens. Life happens. It's not your fault and you don't owe him anything. And certainly not an abortion against your wishes.

The thing is he is still pushing for you terminate the pregnancy knowing full well you don’t want to and you want to keep the baby. Be prepared to end up hating him he isn’t supporting you at all. Your other children will play with the baby so it won’t mean much more work

Aside from you kind and lovely people, I’ve told two people, both of whom have tried to tell me an abortion is for the best. I cried a lot tonight and Dh sighed and said well have to cancel it won’t we ... in the next breath it was back to going. I don’t know what he wants. Tomorrow we are having a scan. Standard is not to see the baby, but he said he wants to see it ... I don’t want to get my hopes up but I am hoping that if he sees it he might change his mind! He did ask how I’m going to tell my dad though and asked if I wanted to deal with how awful he’s going to be brcause he doesn’t. He knows how terrified I am of my dad. I love my dad but if anyone is an abusive person, it is him. My mum is completely controlled by him and he will just flip. When I got pregnant with ds2 it was a totally planned pregnancy that everybody was excited about and wanted. I’d been with Dh 8 years and married for 2, and yet he called me a slag. I’m losing respect for him if he’s scared of telling my dad that we have got unexpectedly pregnant and don’t want to have an abortion :(.

OP, you need counselling, full stop. This unplanned pregnancy has only highlighted it. Your experiences with your dad sound awful and perhaps you feel the need to please everyone now? But you need to let go of that. You don't need to cry to get your DH's permission either :)

OP did they say if you will be having a counselling session tomorrow?

Please try not to think ahead to how to tell people like your dad. The issue at hand is whether or not to have an abortion. Your dad is a while separate issue and you can worry about that later on if you need to. What he your abusive dad approves or not should not influence your decision.

I am still getting the feeling that you are looking to your husband to make the choice. This worries me immensely.

Sorry to spelling mistakes.
What he = whether
While = whole

ffs
To = for the

Your dad is appalling. Cut contact with him. Block his number. Get the counselling booked.

Please don’t let anyone push you in to something you don’t want. It sounds like there will be resentment on one side or another whatever the outcome. If you truely want this baby, please do the right thing for you - nobody else

Every word you write screams coercion from your husband and that you want this child.

This is your choice, it is not your fault as you didn’t immaculately conceive the child so stop thinking that. Don’t punish yourself.

No one should be bullied into an abortion, or guilted into it.
Your husband is a disgrace, and completely lacks empathy. He knows you are against an abortion and that should be the end of it. The fact you spent a night crying, should be enough for him to see what he is doing to you by insisting you do what he wants.

He’s deliberately bringing your dad into the conversation as another way of forcing you to have an abortion. Instead of supporting you he is playing on your fears and using this to his advantage. Hence the “ what will you say to your dad”. What a manipulative bastard.

Get counselling. Alone.
Many hearts and flowers.

Your dad called you a slag when you were pregnant and your husband insists you have an abortion. Your husband will have to pay child maintenance, this is not counted as income and you can still apply for benefits.
You can also stay in your house as the children need a roof over their head I think.
You are not powerless

Oh OP. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. Your husband sounds awful and controlling and I'm so sorry that you don't have a supportive father either.

Please please access independent counselling and don't be pushed into a termination, which is clearly not what you want.

FWIW, I know it would be difficult, but it sounds like you'd be well shot of your husband if he didn't want to support you through this pregnancy.

If your DH was that desperate not to have another child he would be using condoms (even if you were on the pill). He chose not to so he faces the consequences, so stop just blaming yourself.
He's already threatened you with splitting up! Emotional blackmail. I would make your choice with your eyes wide open and the very likely possibility that you would be a single parent to three children in the long run if you continue the pregnancy. Always think worse case scenario.
And ignore your dad. He sounds awful.

OP, thinking of you today. If you have this abortion today I think you will regret it. I also think your relationship with your husband will be finished, as you will (understandably) never forgive him. Your relationship will only continue if you do what you feel is right for you - I suspect that will turn out to be keeping this baby, but you don't have to decide that RIGHT NOW.
You don't have to have it TODAY. You have more time to think about it.

I've been following this thread, but have namechanged to reply.

I'm currently pg with DC4 - unplanned. Like yours, my DH was very against continuing with the pregnancy and wanted me to have an abortion. It was an awful couple of weeks and I did go for consultation at BPAS and even actually booked the treatment in. To be honest, I didn't find the consultation particularly helpful as they didn't really offer any counselling even though I was completely distraught and it was pretty apparent that I didn't want a termination. Luckily in my case my DH came to realise that, while given time he could get his head around having another child, I was very unlikely to get over terminating and he agreed we could go ahead.

It's still not been the easiest road. Although he's on board now and is being supportive I still feel very aware that this isn't what he would have chosen. This pregnancy has been hard, but I don't like to complain about it to him as I feel that I need to shield him from it all to a certain extent. I know that's silly and he certainly hasn't asked me to do that, but I do feel a level of guilt that I've forced him into fatherhood another time when it wasn't what he would have wanted. However, even with all that, this was the only decision I could have made. I knew in my heart that I couldn't terminate.

For me, the moment when I absolutely realised I couldn't go ahead with the abortion was during my appt with BPAS (which I went to alone as no childcare). I was only 5 weeks, like you, but after the scan to date the pregnancy I asked the consultant whether she had seen a heartbeat and she confirmed that she had. So don't assume that there won't be a heartbeat when you go today.

No one can tell you what's right for you and your family in this situation and I know how hard it is. But you need to give some serious thought to which outcome you are able to live with. I'll be thinking of you today. You're still early enough on that you don't need to rush this decision so take whatever time you need. Good luck.