Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

How awful that you have had to go through both ways Mr Spock, but thank you for sharing your experiences with me - I will bear what you have said in mind. It's almost cruel isn't it - you think you don't want it and then you do. DH has been very quiet this evening and asked me to tell him if I'm any pain or anything and he'll take me straight to the EPU directly.
I did call the EPU, but they weren't very helpful. The nurse at the clinic didn't do a transvaginal ultrasound because she was confident she wouldn't see anything anyway and the EPU basically said she should have done one. They said if I'm not having pain or cramping then they won't see me as they don't routinely scan in early pregnancy because it's so uncertain and I only know about the lack of baby because I went to the clinic. So it's basically a waiting game to see if I cramp or bleed, or see what happens in 2 weeks. I'm feeling silly now for not pushing her to do a transvaginal scan.

If she didn’t see anything on abdominal ultrasound then you’re still in with a chance. I’d be cautious because of the test, but I ALWAYS have to have vaginal scans because until about 14 weeks they hardly see anything abdominally. I have a tilted uterus though, so if you know you don’t have that I’d be a bit more concerned.

EPAU can be shit. They deal with lots of women going through this and I think they forget what it feels like for the actual women. I remember being quite upset at how I was treated a few times, it’s not personal they’re just very busy because sadly this happens to many people.

I hope you’re doing okay. I know how shit it is.

Oh gosh, being pregnant must be an incredibly tense time for you after everything you've been through and your titled uterus making it difficult to see your babies easily.
You are definitely right about the EPU, they are just busy and if they think I'm not 100% about keeping it anyway I'm probably way down on the list of potentially desperate women losing their babies in their unit :(. I do understand, but it is horrible the not knowing. I have just done another test myself and there is still a line on there, but it is faint. This happened with my first two children but I did tests throughout the wait for HCG tests and they got darker as time went on so I always had an incling things were going the right way. Also, with them, the first abdominal scan always showed something - a sac, at least - and the vaginal scan showed a yolk scan and some structure but not a heartbeat or pole if I can remember and that was the worry with them; the HCG tests were to figure out if they were growing or if I was et to miscarry in between the scans. DS1 showed nothing on his first scan but that was because I was under 4 weeks and had cramping and GP went off my period date and referred me when I had a preg test in her surgery.

It is! I’m currently 17 weeks and the first three months were very anxious.

The waiting is horrible, it makes you so worried and anxious.

With my DS1, there wasn’t a heartbeat or pole at 6 weeks and I was told “you’ll either catch up or miscarry” and then had bleeding so assumed the worst but he was absolutely fine. Early pregnancy is stressful isn’t it!

I can only imagine how worrying it must have been for you! Is everything going well with baby now though?

That time with your DS1 sounds very scary. Maybe boys just enjoying hiding away and giving us a fright!

Yes, we are having twins

I think so! Boys are such monkeys.

OP it might be worth going to your GP on Monday and mention that the nurse was concerned about possible ectopic. They might refer you for another scan maybe.

You must just feel so drained emotionally. You really have been through it. I am glad you feel more clear in your own wishes for this pregnancy. I really hope it works out for you.

I also really hope you are able to get some counselling in time, to work through how things are with your Dad and the way your husband has treated you. Counselling can be life changing and empowering, even if you are not really sure why you are going or what you are going to talk about.

@mrspock - that's amazing - congratulations!!!
@wonderwoo, i do think i need counselling, particularly about how to distance myself from my mother and father more and become more independent. i'm always worried about making decisions and i'm still very afraid of how to tell my dad i'm pregnant if baby does pull through and dh is still pushing that one on me because i think he's a bit afraid of my dad too. although after speaking to all you lovely people and the nurse today, i am starting to see that if my dad was nasty and upset, it wouldn't be my fault for getting pregnant, it would be his fault for not being a proper father and choosing to not support me but to think only of himself. dh is asking for these two weeks to be two weeks where we don't think of the baby at all and see what we do at the next appointment, but the nurse today didn't think i was making it for the right reasons and was reluctant to book me in for anything more than a follow-up scan. it's good to know that they don't just book everyone in when they come but actually take their time and let people have more time to decide.

It’s unlikely they will see anything abdominally at such an early stage.. they generally can’t see anything before 8 weeks. Shocked they didn’t try a vaginal scan tbh, they should have automatically done that to get a clearer view.

As someone who had some early bleeding in two out of my three successful pregnancies, I find it a little surprising that they didn't do a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I had that done each time (I was maybe around 7 weeks at the time, so that might make some difference).

I was told that it is usually the only way to see much detail in the very early stages, and to have any chance to check out the viability of the pregnancy.

I think if you do go again you should insist on one. Otherwise, keep up the pressure on the EPU.

I see from some of your updates that DH has gone quieter. I hope that lasts and he gives you the space to make the right decision without bulldozing you.

I thought it was very strange that she didn't do a transvaginal ultrasound, too, especially considering I had absolutely no idea how far along I was and I mentioned that my other two children weren't visible on their scans for a very long time, too. She just didn't seem to believe I was pregnant and was more interested in doing another pregnancy test and asking me to repeat it in a week and call the EPU in between yesterday and a follow-up appt with her if problems occured.
DH still wants an abortion, but has said he will support me and try to get his head around it, he just doesn't see how we can do it financially without impacting us and the kids negatively. The fact that the scan showed a really early pregnancy has made him even more resolved to have an abortion as in his mind there's no baby there (I've tried to explain that there is, it's just too small, but he doesn't listen). He's of the opinion that because it's so early, we can end it and try again in the future; what he's not understanding is that a baby in the future won't be this baby and as early as it is, no future baby can replace it, regardless of circumstance.
I understand that it's my decision, I really do, but I genuinely feel like I can't make this decision on my own when it isn't just me it will impact. I just wish I knew we'd have enough money to make it work and then there wouldn't an excuse.

Hey I had a really weird scan too I was what I thought 8-9 weeks. At the scan I was only 6 weeks and you couldn't see anything other than a thickening womb lining, went back a week later my bloods had doubled and the little tiny bean was on the screen. I think your husband will come round in time x

He isn't doing yet. He makes some excellent points as well, which is the hardest part of it all; I can't disagree that from a practical perspective, having an abortion makes the most sense. But I just don't want to do it. But then I think of how much of a struggle it will be financially, how annoyed everyone will be with me, how much the kids will miss out on all the things we can afford to do now and think what if husband doesn't come round and resents me for that forever? It's just all so horrible.

Conversely, if you let him force you into an abortion you don't want then you will probably resent him forever.

Anita, this man is digging his heels in and being manipulative.

I thought it wasn’t certain that you were pregnant and you hadn’t had it confirmed.

OP. Practicalities are everything. I don't mean that flippantly, it's just that it I had sat and examined our finances with a fine tooth comb, and worried about the detail, i would neve

Sorry posted too soon

... never have had any children. In fact I don't think we would ever take any risks in life.

It seems to me that you need to first of all decide if abortion is even an option for you. Ie is it something you can make your peace with, and you can go through with, without being traumatised. Is it something that will affect your mental health in months/years to come? If not, the it seems to me that abortion is not a reasonable option for you, in which case it gets taken off the table and is no longer considered an option.

(Nb I am pro choice. But recognise that abortion isn't for everyone).

OP. You say above "I just don't want to do it". That's enough! Honestly. No further justification required. No further going over and over the pros and cons.

Those practicalities can be sorted. And as for your partner possibly resenting you for not having one? Well you will only be resenting him for pressuring you to have one against your wishes, so you cannot win there. Better to have resentment without the abortion, than resentment AND and unwanted abortion to deal with. And anyone who is annoyed with you, well, what right do they have to even hold an opinion on your personal life. Stuff them! Please dont let that sway you. (Its worries like that, that counselling can really help you with by the way).

Please try to put other people's wants/judgements/opinions to one side. This is YOUR body, YOUR baby, YOUR life.

Argh. That first post of mine should say:
Practicalies arent everything

Financially it shouldn't be to much of a burden (right now) presumably you'll still have all the baby stuff from DC1 & 2 & babies really don't need anything other than the necessities for the first 6 months-ish. Nappies... but they aren't exactly a break the bank type of expense. Obviously putting 3 children through uni etc is expensive but if you already want a 3rd that'll be a future expense anyway. The only real issue I would be looking at here is you, coping with 3 young ones. It won't be easy. I found out last month I was pregnant it ended in a chemical & my DD is just 1. It was way sooner than we planned & although we definitely wanted another baby I was overwhelmed at the thought of 2 under 2. But I also thought & OH agreed that we couldn't abort the baby just because the timing was a bit off! Ultimately it's your decision OP, no judgement here. But just giving a flip side to the coin...

Hi user, I’m definitely pregnant; have done another test and it’s still positive, but the nurse only did a trans abdominal scan and couldn’t see anything on it so couldn’t offer anything because of the risk of ectopic. I doo appreciate that this can be a sign of miscarriage and ectopic, but this happened with both of my boys’ pregnancies; empty scans when I was 5 weeks and then heartbeats when I went back two weeks later, and then when I went for 12 week scan I was 14 weeks, so at some point everything had caught up even though it was slow to show in the beginning. All it’s done is make me certain I’m having another little boy.

Sorry should have added that I’m due back in two weeks for a rescan to check if baby can be seen. Also Epu said she should have done a transvafinal scan with it obviously being very early.

Thanks wonderwoo, you always speak so much sense! We have worked out that to be in the same financial position we are in now, we need to bring in additional 500 pound a month. I am a freelance writer on the side, just doing little bits for extra money, so if I get a few more contracts during the pregnancy, this is doable in my opinion.
And yes beautiful blue, we do have everything we bought for dcs, mostly. I gave away a lot of the early clothes to a friend and I gave our Moses basket away, but I could get that back when friend is done with it and I’m sure my friend will offer me her baby’s clothes in the same way I did mine if I explain the situation.

I wish you well and hope you get everything you need, spiritually, emotionally and financially!