Pregnant with 3rd child, husband doesn't want.

[JuJu2017]

I've just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby. Our eldest child is 3, and our middle child is 8 months. To say I've struggled being a stay at home mum to the two of them since my second son's birth is an understatement; I've been depressed, fed-up of being stuck in, and feeling like I've lost a huge part of my identity. Yesterday, I took a pregnancy test at the doctors before having the injection and found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock. I've been on the pill and we barely had sex last month; all I can think is that I had a stomach bug and maybe that's how I caught but considering how long it took to get pregnant the first two times, it's just mind-boggling that it could happen so fast.
Anyway, my husband doesn't want it; he keeps pointing out the money situation (I've just handed in my notice at work after mat leave) and although he has a good wage, he'd stretched to pay bills and support me and three kids comfortably. He hasn't even mentioned the prospect of keeping it; he's pointed out the finances, my unhappiness on mat leave with baby number 2 and how he thinks it'd be exacerbated if I were to carry on with this pregnancy and have 2 under 2 at home with me.
I don't know what to do at all. I understand what he's saying and I know I haven't been a trophy mum/wife and I have struggled being at home, but the idea of having an abortion just ... I don't know. It's not that I'm against it, it just seems very wrong. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the rant, because this is basically all this is, but my husband has asked me not to tell family/friends because he doesn't want them to know about the pregnancy and abortion. I feel completely alone.

This husband is trying to be dictatorial and call all of the shots, forcing OP into a termination she doesn't want and forbidding her to talk to anyone, whilst he himself confides in whoever he wants.

Not sure joint therapy is the best option there. OP needs to confide in her cousin or possibly her MIL, and take back some control here.

Why are you scared of upsetting him, OP? What does he do? To be honest, I think your problem might be an emotionally abusive relationship.

Just come clean with your cousin.

Your husband stopping you from seeking support isn’t reasonable. Whatever you decide to do you may want more than one person knowing what going on. I have three very close together (not planned that way). It’s been very hard but I know in a few years I wont regret it. Only YOU can decide how you feel. No one else can make it seem like the decision is made for you.

On a practical note, could you speak to your uni about the PGCE and do one/two terms then defer, meaning you go back once baby is around a year to finish it. That way you won’t feel like life is on hold forever?

Good luck whatever you decide.

He wants you to have an abortion and not mention it so people don't think badly of him.
Tell him where to stick it. Have this baby and he can shape up or piss off.

Pls domt worry that your husband will not Love The Child.he will! Are you. Or getting maternity because the babies are too close together & you won’t be eligible?
You can return to work earlier and take
Unpaid leave- that way u still
Be eligible. Also- tax credits?ao while u don’t have an income u can claim - even for Helping with childcare- give them a call and ask. Sometimes you are presented with challenges and you have to deal with them, life isn’t easy, but you can overcome this. Believe me, there are much worse things happening in the life, and this isn’t the end of the world, it may actually be a blessing. Good luck, thinking of you

Tell your cousin the truth. You need someone on your side. Tell everyone you can think of.
I maintain that your husband is a manipulative douche, that you want this baby and he should stop pressuring you. It’s abusive, and if you accede to his demands it will likely sour your relationship permanently .
This is a very big thing to be badgered into, and it sounds like it’s beyond time you drew a line in the sand and defied him.

Even go and and stay somewhere else for a while so this constant barrage of pressure to do what he wants stops for a bit.

I am not a pro-lifer but in this circumstance, from what I have read, an abortion is not something you should do.

I agree with daisy. I would be ethically against the abortion anyway, but even if I wasn't, it is clearly not something that you're being given a chance to weigh up properly - and that is something I strongly feel you have a right to do.

You mentioned a few posts back that you didn't think financial concerns were a legitimate reason for a termination. I just want to say that, actually, any reason is legitimate. The fact that some people struggle to conceive also has nothing to do with your decision. Termination is a valid choice if you don't want a baby.

However, that choice has to be yours. Just as you shouldn't continue with a pregnancy for the sake of others, you also mustn't terminate for the sake of others. Your DH should be supporting you through this time. He should be encouraging you to speak to whomever you want. Bringing a baby into the world / terminating should ideally be a joint decision but the ultimate choice is yours as you are the person who will be either going through the procedure or caring for the child.

Your DH shouldn't be saying you won't cope, he should be reassuring you that if you continue with the pregnancy he will support you. It's okay to recognise that life may be more difficult and finances may be tighter. Life will be different. Different doesn't mean worse.

It would also be okay if you chose to terminate now and try again in a few years. That is also a legitimate choice. But it's your choice.

It's so difficult to think straight in your situation. Your hormones are all over the place anyway. You feel like you have to make a decision quickly so are under added pressure. It's so important that you can talk it through with someone - mil, cousin or a friend. Anyone who will be balanced.

Your DH can't use 'we might split up' as a threat if you don't terminate. You might split up anyway. You'd be well within your rights to throw that back at him and say if he forces you into a termination you might split up. The crude matter of it is, if you decided to continue with the pregnancy and he decided to end the relationship, he'd still have a responsibility to provide financial support for all children so you won't be left high and dry. I appreciate it's not nice to think about that but if he's putting it to you as a consequence you need to consider it.

Ultimately, while the support of your DH would be ideal, it's your body, your choice. [Flowers]

Hi mila777, we aren’t entitled to any tax credits or anything and the maternity thing is because I’ve just quit my job to go back to uni.
I had a sit down with my husband last night and basically said why is he stopping me going to anyone for support and why is he leaning more towards abortion without sitting down and planning finances etc and doing all he can. I explained I didn’t think abortion was a light abortion and it wouldn’t just rid of the problem and he said he won’t force me to go through with anything I don’t want to do, he just really doesn’t see it working out. There’s be no uni, so no student finance maintenance and no money coming in to support us. If I got another job we’d have to take my eldest out of his school nursery that he’s so excited to start and put him in a private one that offers full time places. I asked him why he’s so against me telling people and he said it’s because he’d be ashamed of people knowing and judging and it would also make it feel more real. He said he’s told his boss I think I’m pregnant and we are going to the docs tomorrow for a pregnancy test at the doctors and hasn’t told him the full story.
Cousin couldn’t come round last night but has invited me over to her house later. But she is anti abortion and still holds a grudge against a friend who had one a few years ago so I’m not sure she’d do anything except make me feel bad. I feel mil would be the best person now but husband is against telling her for the reasons above.

Tell her anyway. Or someone else. Or call BACP again and make an appointment to speak to a counsellor.

He really, really can’t forbid you from telling people.

Why would your cousin make you feel bad when it isnt your choice? You need help.

Also contact the university. They may have additional help there.

Why is your child going to a school nursery when youre doing a pgce?? You know how long the days are, dont you??? You can easily be in school from 7am to 7pm.

And ‘it’ll make it feel more real’ is a ridiculous reason for not wanting you to talk to people anyway. He wants you to have an abortion - that’s going to feel pretty real to you!

I’m feeling worse today than I have done so far. I think it’s because the appointment is tomorrow. Also dh had one job, to sort childcare for the appointment, and he hasn’t bothered to do that. He’s asking me to ask my cousin to have them or my mum and tell them I’m going to the docs but when I booked the appt the lady said it could be up to three hours because of all the stages. Should have also said that she said they have an on site counsellor that I’ll have to meet with as part of the appt before they do anything and dh won’t be allowed in the room for that. I also don’t think I’ll feel comfortable going picking the kids up just after that, whatever happens. I’m so angry! I’m going through all of this, he had one job and he wouldn’t do it and now I’ve got to somehow sort that out and lie to people some more. My family as well seen as he wont speak to his mum but it’s alright for me to speak to mine. I’m so fed up and angry today.

Easy. Tell him no he has to sort childcare. Talk freely with the counsellor.
Do not do anything you do not want to
Do.

Why cant he pick the children up? If he is planning on going back to work id assume he has taken time off just to make sure you go through with it, rather than any duty of care to his wife.

They’re not allowed to come with us obviously and he wants to come with me ‘to be there for me’, but when I said I’d have to either go on my own or rearrange he didn’t seem too bothered about me going by myself, just said oh you’ll be alone then though but didn’t want to rearrange. He’s talking to his mum now apparently to see if she can sort anything but it’s the day before so she won’t be able to. If he’d have told her the truth on Monday maybe she would have done but obviously she was never going to sort anything just for a doctors appointment.

Definitely don't speak to the cousin if she's against abortion. You need someone who had no feelings either way to have a proper, balanced discussion.

Very frustrating re the childcare. Would you be okay going alone? You will have good opportunity to speak to someone so maybe without him being there you'll be able to speak more honestly and work out what you actually want?

He doesn't want to "be there for you", he wants to make sure you do as you're told. Go to the scan alone while he looks after the children and tell them you need counselling because your husband is trying to bully you into terminating. And talk to your MIL and whoever else you want to. You need the support he's not giving you.

He sounds very immature, doesn't he. Lying to people, not bothering to take responsibility, not wanting things talked about out loud because he's in denial. He does not sound like someone who is really capable of understanding that abortion is not a quick fix. He is used to pushing things under the carpet by lying or just making them go away somehow. Perhaps this is the first time in his life that he can't just do that. Don't let him push you into something that leaves you with a scar just because he hasn't grown up yet.

You need to stop wasting anger on him. He's scared and behaving foolishly. He needs to step up but he needs direction from you. You need to decide who to enlist for support and bloody go get it. Your MIL sounds like the obvious choice if she really can be impartial - isn't there a risk she'll be biased towards making things as lovely as possible for her son?

I think it's fair enough that he has good reasons for thinking things will be tough if you go ahead and have this baby. However what you both need to realise is that abortion simply isn't an option emotionally for some people. You need to get some independent counselling to find out if you are one of those people.

OP. My heart goes out to you. How do you feel.about the counselling session tomorrow? Do you feel you can be honest about how you feel about abortion and the way your husband is treating you?

I really am concerned you will end up doing something you regret later. Please try to seek someone impartial to discuss openly with. This is YOUR decision. No one else's. Please try to distance yourself from your husbands reaction to you keeping the pregnancy. If you abort under pressure from him then I have to say that the emotional fall out will be huge and your relationship will suffer immensely.

I am concerned that you have no support.

I feel like I have no support. I’m going through everyone I can think to speak to and coming up with no one.
Mum and dad - dad is too selfish and will just shout at me like I’m a teenager and tell me I’ll be the death of him. He won’t offer any support but will call me all the names under the sun. My mum is completely under his thumb so won’t say anything differently. If I did keep the baby telling them would be something I’d have to plan and brace myself for.
Cousin - normally very close but pregnancy is an emotive subject for her and she’d be against abortion.
Best friend - would be totally for abortion and would probably think I’d be causing major problems for myself and my kids if I had this baby, largely because she saw how isolated I became after baby number 2.
Mil - I imagine she’d be impartial but there is a possibility she’d support her son. Alternatively she has seen her single and jobless daughter look after three kids (although she has the benefit system providing her with separate money for each of her children to help with clothes etc so is in some ways more financially able than us to have three).
Sil - don’t really get on with although I would like her advice about adjusting to life with 3; would probably tell other people just to spite.
I don’t know.

Perhaps it would help to book counselling appointments with both Marie stopes and a Pregnancy Crisis centre?

Potentially. I just don’t see what counselling will achieve really. I already know I would like to keep it and a counsellor can’t help me solve the financial aspects that are making it difficult for me to keep it. And I know people say ignore my dh but I couldn’t raise three alone and I feel like I can’t force him to have a baby he so clearly doesn’t want. It’s just whether I can go through with it tomorrow. So much is in my hands. I have to take the pills, I have to insert the pessaries, I have to be alone at home in my bed losing it ... I’m trying to decide what will be harder: going through that or ending up with no money and three children at home in the house and a husband who hates me for messing up our lives. Thank you everyone for all your help and advice, it’s very much appreciated and you’ve given me the confidence to argue back against my husband. I’ve also told my best friend but she told me to have an abortion so not much help there. I knew she would; she isn’t maternal and has always said if something happened to her where she wasn’t completely sure she’d terminate the pregnancy. She’s offered to have the kids tomorrow as well so she’s actually helped my dh more than me ironically!

Terminating a pregnancy is supposed to be there (I believe the argument goes) to give women a choice about whether or not to have a baby. It's entirely about what you want. If you don't want there to be a choice and you would actually like a world where there is no choice to have a termination, that is fine too. Eliminate it from the possible options. The fact that other women have terminations does not mean you have to consider it for a second. At the moment, the fact that a termination is theoretically available seems to be limiting your ability to choose to actually have this baby. Which is just nuts because the whole point is you get to choose!.