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Original poster

Had booking in appointment - didn't go well

203 replies

Difficultyear2015 · 29/10/2016 10:15

I came off the pill in July and had a withdrawal bleed.

Didn't have any period since other than 1 day of light spotting 6 weeks later. I had taken a test a day before that which was negative.
I have PCOS so don't have typical cycles and have gone years without a period before.
I took a test beginning of October that was a strong positive.
I took the test because I had stopped fitting into my clothes and was feeling tired all the time and having weird dreams about being pregnant.

I went to doctors and explained I had no idea how far along I was. He weighed me and dismissed it and said he will refer me to midwife for booking in and I will hear from them soon.

So 3 weeks went by and I had heard nothing. I started calling around the doctors trying to get hold of the midwife team to see where my referral was, finally spoke to midwife who said it sounds like I'm a lot further along and will get me booked in asap and will get me a dating scan urgently.

3 days later I have my booking in appointment.
I explained all of the above to the midwife.
I was in there for hours. She was questioning why it had taken me so long to have a booking in appointment and I said it wasn't without trying.
She then asked my weight and height which I told her the figures that the doctor said in the appointment I had with him 3 weeks prior, and straight away she told me I was overweight as I had a bmi of 26 and started asking if I do exercise.
I explained that only 3 months ago I had an endocrinology appointment where I was weighed at 65k and was under 25bmi and explained I have put on weight to the point I can't fit into my clothes (poasibly vloayibg / water retention / baby further along etc.
She made me feel like I was telling lies and that I am just fat and trying to get an early scan.

She tried to book me in for a scan there and then but the hospital scan department she spoke to told her they would go off the date I took the positive pregnancy test meaning I may not hear back for a scan appointment until another 6-8 weeks time. At which point I started crying as I know I'm further along than that and not just fat and if I wait for that scan to come through I could well be 20 weeks or further.

She then asked why I wanted a scan anyway and that I should just enjoy being pregnant.
I explained I want to know that there's a heartbeat for a start and how do I know it's all ok.

Because I was crying she then said she would refer me to a special midwife team who deal with women with additional mental and emotional needs.

I don't think I'm abnormal, this is all just very stressful.

She went on to say that there were pregnant ladies who bleed and need urgent scans and people like me can't take up emergency appointments like that.
I explained I'm happy to get a private scan if that was the case and I don't want someone who has more of a need than me to miss out on a scan.

After all this when I went to leave she gave me a hug and told me to cheer up and have a chocolate bar.

I was so distraught after all this that I went back to work in tears, grabbed my laptop and went home in tears.

I just feel like I am just a fat person and it's all in my head.

Maybe I will find at a scan appointment in 8 weeks time that I'm only 12 weeks then, but what if I'm further?

I'm feeling so fed up. I'm waiting for the scan so I can tell people some happy news but instead I'm now having to continually avoid people as I have an obvious bump and don't want to tell people before I know it's all ok.

Is the midwife right? Am I just fat and neurotic?

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lostowl · 29/10/2016 11:56

I'm just going to rock the boat and say I think you are being over sensitive. Just book the private scan and take matters into your own hands.

DartmoorDoughnut · 29/10/2016 12:15

I don't think she is being over sensitive owl some tests are time sensitive etc after all! The MW just dismissed her rather than helping/listening

helenatroy · 29/10/2016 12:30

Sounds like you were unlucky with that particular midwife. Had a similar experience at the time and have body swerved her ever since. Said to the lovely receptionist anyone but her and she has remembered and made it so ever since.

Recommend the babybond scan people they are brilliant and do little reassurance scans.

Also you are not bing over sensitive. As my doctor said to me you are carrying a human life in there and if that's not a cause for self examination and locking into your own instincts I don't know what is. Good luck with it all and take good care of yourself.

helenatroy · 29/10/2016 12:34

Actually the more I read the more I realise that sadly the first encounter with this woman was a nightmare of her making.

OhTheRoses · 29/10/2016 12:36

Looking back 20 years I think it would be helpful if midwives explained why they need to ask invasive and/or sensitive questions. I recall being rather upset by the tone and nature of the conversation and subsequently have never wanted to be "chummy" with HCPs. It's Mrs Roses after that and I'm awfully sorry but it's a professional relationship and I'm not your subordinate.

Sparrowlegs248 · 29/10/2016 12:46

Op I had a similar but probably less rude experience. Irregular periods due to only just getting them back after ds and still bf.

Told mw at booking when my last 'bleed' had been but didn't think that was my last period, as had only dtd once since then, day after it finished and started feeling sick about 5 days later. She said she'd send me for an early scan, but was treating it as my lmp. Gave due date of mid March. Scan eventually came through, not at all early, would have been 13 wks by mw dates.

Turns out I was 19 wks at the scan. The sonographer was pretty pissed off. I wasn't surprised, had a noticeable bump. Also, I had declined screening so it didn't matter in that respect, but it has meant the rest of my care has been totally disorganised since then, trying to fit appointments in, people not filling forms correctly, etc.

I would phone to see if you can get the scan earlier, or pay for private.

Re bmi, mine is 28 and was not mentioned other than the mw ticked the above 30 box on the risk assessment.

Original poster
Difficultyear2015 · 29/10/2016 13:02

Thank you all

I will book a private scan just for peace of mind.

I would love to know I'm not going crazy.

I'm cross at bejng told I'm overweight when hardly. I'm a size 12 and in proportion and my boobs have swollen up massively so I'm sure that's part of it too

OP posts:
Original poster
Difficultyear2015 · 29/10/2016 13:04

My family look at me and say I've got to be 12 or more just from the size of my bump

Why the midwife couldn't even take the time to look at me to see that I don't know

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 29/10/2016 13:11

Because she is patronising and shit at her job.

Just like a few of the midwives I've come across.

mum2Bomg · 29/10/2016 14:24

If strongly suggest changing Dr's - is there another one near you? Tell them what's happened and ask for their help. I think they would give you assistance straight away Flowers

mum2Bomg · 29/10/2016 14:27

Also bear in mind that if it's a small practice you may get stuck with this woman throughout and that doesn't seem like a good idea. You should be able to rely on your midwife for help and have a trusting relationship with her.

mum2Bomg · 29/10/2016 14:27

P.s. She sounds like a right cow

SpeakNoWords · 29/10/2016 14:29

I have been massively overweight for both my pregnancies with a bmi much higher than yours. I was weighed once and it was never mentioned again unless directly medically relevant, which was only once or twice anyway. It's ridiculous that this midwife is focusing on your weight!

A private scan is a great idea, I hope you can get one booked in soon Flowers

Barnes79 · 29/10/2016 14:40

Sounds like you had an awful midwife!

The invasive questions are just standard - the midwife should have give you your notes/booklet which you take with you to all appointments and you can see all the tick boxes and questions - I was asked if my husband was a cousin! Ha ha. As for the marriage question, unmarried fathers used to have different rights to married fathers I think, so perhaps she was just using old paperwork or perhaps it was to check what surname the baby would have?

As for the BMI thing - it is an awful indicator for calculating a "healthy" weight anyway - a body builder may be classed as overweight or obese as muscle ways more than fat! I'm a size 10 with a BMI of 25 to 26 normally. That means I'm "overweight" - when in reality I have big boobs and muscly thighs (years of sprinting as a youngster). My midwife asked to weigh me etc to calculate my BMI and before doing so said that I looked a healthy weight. I came up as 25.7 and classed as overweight but she just said it was "fine".

The fact your midwife then told you to go and "eat a chocolate bar" kind of just shows she didn't truly believe the BMI either - or was just increasingly stupid and insensitive (although based on your description of her, is guess it's the latter).

Chin up. Get a private scan and different midwife. Smile

BeccaSays · 29/10/2016 14:49

Oh dear this sounds really terrible! If I were you I'd put a complaint in...did she give you a bounty pack? My midwife gave me a form about a higher supervisory board that I could contact if I was unhappy with their service. Try them?

Private scans here cost £80...id call that midwife supervisor number and if you have no joy then book one if you can afford it for Peace of mind.
Best of luck and congrats on your pregnancy x

helenatroy · 29/10/2016 15:54

She's not only unprofessional but she sounds judgemental and frankly awful. Am boiling on your behalf.

haveacupoftea · 29/10/2016 16:58

Are you going to get a scan them? You'll save yourself a lot of stress if you just go for one.

Original poster
Difficultyear2015 · 29/10/2016 17:01

I've got details for the local private scan clinic who charge just £80 and have appointments available on Monday so will go then

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 29/10/2016 17:08

The care I had from midwives 15 years ago was similar to yours OP,really shocking. One was given extra training after the shit advice she gave me!

Good luck with the scan and congratulationsFlowers

Mozfan1 · 29/10/2016 17:10

I had to have a dating scan as I found out I was pregnant, turned out I was about 20 weeks, I had no idea. He sounds awful, get a new midwife ASAP

kshaw · 29/10/2016 17:18

What hospital did you go to?! This sounds awful, I am 31 with my first and had a negative test at 5-6 weeks then a positive and my BMI is unfortunately higher than yours. I've had scan earlier in the week and booking in appointment yesterday. She asked me a lot of the same questions as you (except the are you getting married one-are we going back a few generations here??!)

If I was you I would change hospitals, from what I understand you can self-refer (I asked about it as maybe moving back to my home city before baby here) ring up their maternity and ask for an urgent referral. I'd also relax, enjoy this stage but be firm and explain your situation with new maternity ward. Then complain about this one! I'm angry for you!!!

FATEdestiny · 29/10/2016 17:23

Just to reassure in one aspect - the first booking is always a disappointment compared to what you might reasonably expect. Especially so with your first.

The bizarrely personal questions are standard practice and not personal.

aforestgrewandgrew · 29/10/2016 17:35

Good luck for Monday.

5madthings · 29/10/2016 17:50

Asking if you are going to get married and quizzing on length of relationship is not standard nor relevant.

You need a scan to check dates if you want a nuchal scan etc as it has to be done in a certain time frame.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2016 17:52

Great news that you have a scan booked for Monday Smile Good luck and let us know how you get on!

"unmarried fathers used to have different rights to married fathers I think, so perhaps she was just using old paperwork or perhaps it was to check what surname the baby would have?"
The parents being married (or not) doesn't dictate the baby's surname! There are married couples with different surnames. It's 2016 Wink Married or not, parents can give their children the mother's or father's surname, or both.
Anyway, a midwife doesn't need to know what surname the baby might have, certainly not at this stage.