Had booking in appointment - didn't go well

[Difficultyear2015]

I came off the pill in July and had a withdrawal bleed.

Didn't have any period since other than 1 day of light spotting 6 weeks later. I had taken a test a day before that which was negative.
I have PCOS so don't have typical cycles and have gone years without a period before.
I took a test beginning of October that was a strong positive.
I took the test because I had stopped fitting into my clothes and was feeling tired all the time and having weird dreams about being pregnant.

I went to doctors and explained I had no idea how far along I was. He weighed me and dismissed it and said he will refer me to midwife for booking in and I will hear from them soon.

So 3 weeks went by and I had heard nothing. I started calling around the doctors trying to get hold of the midwife team to see where my referral was, finally spoke to midwife who said it sounds like I'm a lot further along and will get me booked in asap and will get me a dating scan urgently.

3 days later I have my booking in appointment.
I explained all of the above to the midwife.
I was in there for hours. She was questioning why it had taken me so long to have a booking in appointment and I said it wasn't without trying.
She then asked my weight and height which I told her the figures that the doctor said in the appointment I had with him 3 weeks prior, and straight away she told me I was overweight as I had a bmi of 26 and started asking if I do exercise.
I explained that only 3 months ago I had an endocrinology appointment where I was weighed at 65k and was under 25bmi and explained I have put on weight to the point I can't fit into my clothes (poasibly vloayibg / water retention / baby further along etc.
She made me feel like I was telling lies and that I am just fat and trying to get an early scan.

She tried to book me in for a scan there and then but the hospital scan department she spoke to told her they would go off the date I took the positive pregnancy test meaning I may not hear back for a scan appointment until another 6-8 weeks time. At which point I started crying as I know I'm further along than that and not just fat and if I wait for that scan to come through I could well be 20 weeks or further.

She then asked why I wanted a scan anyway and that I should just enjoy being pregnant.
I explained I want to know that there's a heartbeat for a start and how do I know it's all ok.

Because I was crying she then said she would refer me to a special midwife team who deal with women with additional mental and emotional needs.

I don't think I'm abnormal, this is all just very stressful.

She went on to say that there were pregnant ladies who bleed and need urgent scans and people like me can't take up emergency appointments like that.
I explained I'm happy to get a private scan if that was the case and I don't want someone who has more of a need than me to miss out on a scan.

After all this when I went to leave she gave me a hug and told me to cheer up and have a chocolate bar.

I was so distraught after all this that I went back to work in tears, grabbed my laptop and went home in tears.

I just feel like I am just a fat person and it's all in my head.

Maybe I will find at a scan appointment in 8 weeks time that I'm only 12 weeks then, but what if I'm further?

I'm feeling so fed up. I'm waiting for the scan so I can tell people some happy news but instead I'm now having to continually avoid people as I have an obvious bump and don't want to tell people before I know it's all ok.

Is the midwife right? Am I just fat and neurotic?

I'm guessing you might be young? Im only saying that as it sounds like you were treated like a 'silly young girl' by the professionals . I can still remember the first question I was asked with DS1 (who I had at 37) was was the pregnancy an accident? I honestly don't know why they all asked that as I was living with DP, both of us working full time, it was strange 🤔

Anyway, in your position I would book a private scan as basically I couldn't eat around wondering and assuming you want to be tested for Downs at 12 weeks id want to know if I wasp ursine the window or needed to put pressure on them to organise my 12 week scan.

She asked me to make decisions about things I had no idea of and wasn't prepared for. She seemed annoyed that the doctor hadn't given me pamflets on these things so I would be prepared so I had to read them there and then.
I don't think I was ready to make those decisions.

She asked me more than once if I could speak and understand English.
I am white British and we were having a conversation that was fine.

Maybe this was standard questioning again but seemed weird

I am 31 years old. This is my first pregnancy

OP I remember you from another thread now. You did various preg tests which came up negative didn't you? Does midwife know this? It may be the reason why they assume you aren't too far on. If they scan you too early they would need to scan you again if you plan on having certain tests offered. But again they can't leave it too late either incase.

*wait around
*was outside

🙄

Difficulty I think when it's baby no.1 they have some sort of form to fill out that asks some fucking rude and unnecessarily personal questions on it. Add to that a brusque midwife asking those questions and the whole thing just seems unpleasant. I really don't think it's you.

That is horrible. I have suspected PCOS (happily never got far enough along the diagnosis route) so based on my last period I should have been much further along that I was. They scanned me twice prior to 12 weeks at EPU and were very supportive. You should definitely ask for a different midwife next time.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy

Secondly that midwife sounds bloody awful. No she should not be making comments about your relationship (apart from standard screening questions to check for abuse) or asking about marriage FFS!
Folic acid and vitamin D are the only essential vitamins to take in pregnancy. If the big multi vitamin makes you felt sick there's no need to take it.
And not referring you for a dating scan when it's clear that your dates need to be confirmed ASAP... that's appalling.

I suggest that you book a private scan if you can afford it, but if not contact the midwife team and ask to speak to the supervisor of midwives. Explain that you're not at all sure about dates and need a dating scan ASAP.

I also suggest that you make a complaint about the midwife, to the supervisor of midwives and/or PALS.

Thanks for your kind messages.

I did explain to my midwife that I had one negative pregnancy test (that I took before I had the day of spotting)

Even she said that it might have been a false negative and the bleed could have been implantation, putting me at 12 weeks now.

I was so confused by the end of the appointment that in one instance she agrees I'm likely to be 12 weeks and in one instance telling me to wait another 6-8 weeks for a 12 week scan

Book a private scan, I had one in similar circumstances 8 years ago and it only cost £70. If I'd waited for the Nhs scan I'd have been about 20 weeks by then.

I would maybe try and phone and say you'd like a different midwife whatever your dates are!

I don't have periods due to another medical condition. My GP referred me for an early dating scan before I had seen a midwife. Is it worth going back to your GP. On a side note when the MW asked when I'd had my last period, the look on her face when I said 1997! (DS born 2016) was priceless .

Yes private scan. Am nearly full term now they were my lifeline at the start.

You shouldnt have to pay for a private scan, you have already paid for your scans on the NHS. You have been treated like crap. If you feel strong enough, complain to PALS. Its not the same as making a formal complaint. What the midwife said was not acceptable.

She then asked why I wanted a scan anyway and that I should just enjoy being pregnant.
Thats a very odd statement for a MW to make, she had no business saying that.

So sorry you had such an unnerving experience!

FWIW, I think the invasive questions about your relationship are generally standard - even in Australia, I got asked if my husband was the father of both my DS1 and my second baby while I was pg. It's all to do with spotting potential support/DV issues, apparently so I just took it on the chin.

I'm surprised she didn't just book you a scan straight away without all the to-ing and fro-ing - it would make sense for the MW team to know how far along you are as well, as there are things that are meant to happen at set times! Blood tests, if you're Rh negative then anti-D etc., so really it would benefit EVERYONE to know.

If you can't get a private scan, then maybe see your GP again? Or ask to see another MW on the team.

Can you afford a private dating scan?

I don't think the MW was unreasonable... Those are necessary standard questions (I had them all too!), & MW was right 2 b annoyed with the doctor/system. Best now to get private scan. Can U afford it?

Wow, what a rude MW. I agree with pp the questions about partner and who's the father is important as it could flag up potential requirements from social services but marriage?! It's 2016 ffs! That's none of her business!

Sorry she made you feel bad about your bmi, that's rubbish. They do give advice on healthy eating and exercise but shouldn't make you feel bad for something you can't change right now. Fwiw mine was 38 when I fell pregnant (was going to SW and hoped for it to be below 30 by the time we conceived but things happened faster than expected!) so its unbelievable she's made you feel so bad for 26 - I wish mine was even close to 26! (Lol at telling you to eat chocolate at the end of the appointment after telling you off for bmi - the irony!)

I booked a private scan and paid about £60 for it, gave me peace of mind (which I needed at the time), would recommend it. But the whole thing about people in need of a scan and you que jumping is awful if you're up for complaining I don't think you're in the wrong for asking for another midwife and attempting to get the dating scan on the nhs.

Oh and yes- it sounds very silly to send you to an extra support type mw because you cried (who hasn't cried whilst pregnant?!) but I think you'll need the extra support if you're sticking with this MW so it's worth going along as you'll hopefully get a better experience and can actually enjoy pregnancy.

Good luck with it all, congrats with your pregnancy, and hopefully you'll have a date soon so you can tell your family and friends

Yep those are all standard questions. Got asked all of them at my booking appt for no2 recently.

What you should do is make a bit of a fuss. Find out who the senior midwife is and call them to explain what's happened and why you need an early scan. If it's anything like my Trust, they are the ones who get things done. I would also ring PALS and ask them to intervene on your behalf.

Thank you.
I can afford a private scan.
I was starting to think about booking one when I hadn't had my midwife referral through after a while.

I'm just feeling a bit mopy this morning so will start looking into it again when I'm feeling a bit more positive

Just for reassurance the questions they asked about relationship and who is the father of the baby are standard. I think it's because certain ethnic backgrounds etc. have higher risks of certain genetic conditions so they like to be aware of this when doing screening tests.

They even asked both times is 'Are you blood related to the father of the child?' Just right out matter of fact. Don't dwell in those, it is not personal to you.

Sorry to hear that they have been unsupportive of your suspicions about being further along. I think for someone who was as distressed as yourself, more empathy could have been shown.

Can you afford to get a private scan? If so book one. I had one when I was just 8 weeks. They check for placement, number or babies and heartbeat so if you think you are that far along you will get confirmation and see all these things.

Oops cross post. If you can afford it book one. It will put your mind at rest and no matter how far along you are they should be able to tell you that how the pregnancy is going for that stage.

Good luck and congratulations