Jan 2010 babies and mummies here.....can't think of funny thread title!

[crumpette]

... sorry couldn't think of a title that didn't mention how to get orange poo out of a white vest, or how to get jiggy post partum!!!

sorry lots of typos

Crumpette - you've said before that you are a trainee solicitor. Can you pull any strings/favours to get advice or letters written or in worse case scenario, go to Citizens Advice and see what you can do? His behaviour, IMO, would certainly warrant an injunction from going near you or DS but he would still be liable to contribute financially. And wouldn't an injunction be ordered by the courts, via a solicitor rather than having to go via police channels?

FWIW, if you consider my offer, I have a very friendly Scotland Yard chap who lives opposite and one of our very good friends in the police force here!!

Lottie - I'm up for meeting up, of course !! Happy to coordinate via the email address CantThinkofFunnyName at googlemail dot com if anyone wants to drop note of their real name, number and we can sort offline so to speak?

Ok Crumpette

Have you spoken to anyone about your situation? I mean a professional body or such like.

Someone like www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/dvh/support/ for example? All these places have 0800 numbers you can call..so won't cost you. You can get some advice from someone and at least start mulling some options over in your head.

I am not even going to say that I understand how you must feel. Because I dont. Having your DS must in many ways make it much harder. Re. the comments on your Partner and whether he would ever be violent towards your DS. No one knows - not you, and maybe not even him. But all I will say is this; my father never once hit me. But the damage was inflicted from being in an abusive environment. My mother and brother were my world. It was horrible to hear him hurting them - whether physically or verbally. And I remember desperately trying to comfort them both after the incidents. I am not telling you this to make you feel bad about anything. You are in the situation and will make the choices you feel are the best - and we on here will support you whatever you decide.

The only other advice I can give is that whatever you end up doing, it has to be a longterm solution. If you are not ready (be it financially/ emotionally/ mentally), you will go back to him. And a long term solution with someone like this involves lots of sneaky and meticulous planning. And lots of mental preparation. You cannot pack and leave with his knowledge. You sneak things out over time. Squirrel money away and one day - you just go.
Unless you believe that you or your DS could come to harm - at which point you leave pronto.

Start keeping a log re. his behaviour. Where are essential documents kept? (your and DS's passport, driving licence, birth cert etc) Are they in a place you can get your hands on them quickly?

Fear of what she would do kept my mum with my dad. What would have happened had she left him, who knows? She always claims he would have destroyed us...it isnt easy..

Lots of hugs to you. And let me know if you want to meet in RL. I am in Greater London/ Surrey, but can make it into SW/ central London without too much fuss.

hey all

crumpette thinking of you x lots of good advice.

WELL, now am completely baffled, still no sign of af, but have just done test - NEGATIVE - go figure that out. anyway if no af will retest at weekend. it was only a really cheap one that says seven days after 1st day of period and its only 4 today, will it make any difference or not???

Party ! If no sign, do test again as you say. I'm never that convinced by the cheapie ones tbh and always paid the extortionate price of FirstResponse or for Olivia, the digital version! Loved that. No peering to see if there is a second line or not!! When I was 17, I tested negative for 3-1/2 months, finally tested positive at 15 weeks and had to have a termination very late on - around 18 weeks . I just block that from my memory now that I have children and know just how far developed that are at that stage. On the flip side, I also tested positive a couple of years go when I started feeling faint (one of my classic pg symptoms), went for a scan and it showed that I wasn't pg at all - well, probably had been but v v v early miscarriage IYKWIM! Anyhow, all confusing - but keep us informed .

Thinking of you too crumpette. We ran away from my dad in the way mistletoe describes- mum planned secretly, then we just left the country. Their relationship had been up and down since before I was born, sometimes with violence which I witnessed. He hit me once whilst drunk which I will never forget, I was around 10yrs and I saw stars I used to pray everynight that my mum wouldn't be killed by him, and had planned how I'd kill myself if that were to happen, so wouldn't be left to live with him. One night he was so drunk mum had to lock us in a bedroom out of his way. LL is right, you're still so young with so much ahead of you, please don't leave it too long. I can totally understand though, finding the energy to do anything with a 5mth baby pretty tough.
Take care xx

party - it was negative? I reckon you should do another one, not that i'm egging you on at all because the thought of being pregnant again scares me Have you sorted out the situation with your DS and his girlfriend?

ll - although i'm not from London i'd be quite happy to come down for a meet up if northerners are allowed? I'm impressed you're waiting until 6 months to wean, especially as the girls must be having a lot of milk now with their age so your boobs must be proper melons!

crumpette - looks like my honest post opened the flood gates but i do hope you know that we are all here for you. I absolutely get your fear of having your DS taken off you but on the other hand I would query whether they would take that view as well if they knew you were in a violent household. From what you've said, i think your DP is still trying to come to terms with your DD passing away and carries some guilt which he's taking out on you but by no means does that excuse him. I agree with mk around planning if you can do that. My Mum put us on the waiting list for a council house before she knew we were going as like you she had been limited heavily with her career so didn't earn a lot so couldn't afford to rent off her own back straight away. In the end we loaded up the car with what we could fit in and went to the council being classed as homeless so we got a house the next day. It wasn't great but for the 1st time in years I actually got a good nights sleep as i didn't have to worry about my Dad and the panic of what the next argument would bring. I know at the moment it seems like everything is against you and there is no easy way to get out and you probably have no idea who you really are. All I would ask is that you do think about making some kind of change because my Mum stayed with my Dad for 18 years and there was violence on and off through that time. Now i look at her and I don't see anybody because she just doesn't know who she is and doesn't have her identity or any friends etc and at 56 I know she will stay alone the rest of her life and that saddens me. On the other hand though I don't/can't have a close relationship with her because she had the choice whether to keep me in the situation or not as the adult and even though she knew the effect it had on me she chose to stay. In hindsight i get how difficult it must have been for her but it's still something that i will never forgive her for.

As for the finance, here is a run down of my finances as a single mum:

Child benefit of £20 per week
Working tax credit and child tax credit of c£75 per week
Child maintenance of £28 per month
Housing benefit of £300 per month (which covers my part of the rent)

My council tax is also paid and on top of that I'm getting SMP. (Just so everyone knows i'm not one of those people that wants to live off the Government as an easy option, i will be returning to work.

With that kind of thing in mind, and I do get that London is more expensive, do you think it's something that would be financially viable? Have you looked at www.entitledto.co.uk? That should be able to give you an idea of what kind of financial situation you would be in. I won't lie, it is hard being on a limited budget as i'm sure it is for everyone. I've for instance bought a lot of Jacks stuff off ebay and once he grows out of stuff i sell it on there to have money to buy his next stuff, i'll do meal planners so that i don't spend money on food i don't need, i've cut out buying clothes but if i need something it's off ebay or primark etc.

As I and others have said though crumpette, you need to be ready to make the change and only you will know when that is. I hope it doesn't take for you to get to breaking point for it to happen but if that's the case we are all here for you. I will second ctofn as we have a spare room up here in Nottingham which you're more than welcome to stay in for a while whilst you sort yourself out. Jack would love to have a playmate for a while.

Sorry everyone for the mahooooooosive post

I managed to have my hair done today and my plan of Jack sleeping was an epic fail as he was awake for the whole appointment which was made worse as my hairdresser was running an hour behind. My hair isn't how i wanted it but to be fair i was that preoccupied with Jack my hairdresser could have done anything. I'm off to look at a nursery tomorrow so wish me luck everyone. I'm dreading it and the thought of having to leave Jack for so many days when I go back to work.

I will do the other cheapie test tomorrow and if still negative i will buy a more expensive one from shopping on friday.

Don't worry about egging me on new i was egging myself on, i was shitting myself a bit that it would say positive and then when it said negative i was like.....'oh' what now. Situation with ds is good, they are 'talking' all the time on msn but he hasn't asked for her to come in the house yet, although she did call round last night with a friend to see him, they were just on the front for about an hour. I wouldn't let her in his bedroom anyway at the mo as he is a typical 17yr old slob with a pit of a room, it is really disgusting but he has to take responsibility for it as i do everything else for him.

I too am 'from up north' but i think me and erin would love a trip to london to see you lovely mums netters, where are you new, if it gets arranged maybe we could meet and go together. OMG!!!! wouldn't it be funny if one of you was someone i know, you know all about my intimate bits and bobs, i would have to leave mn and delete all my post

ps. thinking of all of you who have not had the best of childhoods through one reason or another xx

pps. i was thinking of bethoo the other day, has anyone heard from her.

Am sorry to hear of what you are going through Crumpette. I used to post a lot more (was kitten765) but have become more of a lurker since DD born.

I would just like to recommend Womens Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/ and also (if you have the time) for you to have a read of this thread Bread and Milk. It is pretty epic I should warn you, but there are aspects of it which are very similar to your circumstances.

Whilst I am no legal expert, I very much doubt that Social Services (or anyone for that matter) would take a baby away from its mother. Particularly if you are removing him from an abusive and potentially harmful environment.

Crumpette - I was thinking about that "letter" you received. I have serious doubts about it's authenticity you know. It really doesn't sound like anything that police could send at all and certainly would not be allowed to say they would take your unborn (or even born) child away. Are you absolutely sure that your DP couldn't have got a mate to do a fake letter? If you're not sure - and I bet you're not, it makes the controlling situation even worse doesn't it?

And FWIW, there is ALWAYS a way out. You just need to do as MK says and squirrel things away and plan plan plan. Then one day, he comes home and you're gone.

Not quite the same, but I married someone extremely similar when I was 18. I did a midnight flit after planning for about 6 months. Walked away with nothing really - but then I didn't have children. That would have made it much worse and I'm not sure how brave I would have been then. I was a shadow of my former self and had given up all of my friends, like you.

For those wishing to travel down for London meet up with Lottie, I have a spare room for grabs!!

Some humour to start the day with a smile:

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP(70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY
IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.The old woman said, 'You're
not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled,
'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have
any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled,
'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and
asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back,
beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

that actually made me laugh, CTFN! Thank you!

Thanks for all the posts and the links, mk, new, kitten. DP is at home today but I will have a look at them when he is not here.

The letter was on headed paper from lambeth social services or childrens department or something like that, it was really surprising because it was written in such non negotiable terms that if there had been a need for intervention or if the violence had not ceased then (as I said it was worse a few years ago than it has been recently) then that's it, one report and he'd have been taken away. I really feel for the people out there who are scared by similar letters into keeping quiet I'm pretty sure it was genuine, DP too pissed to do hoax letters! (he is a bit creepy though, hacked into my private and work emails for years and installed spyware on my laptop and had me followed...)

I had spent a long time planning my exit 2 years ago, mk, so I get what you are saying. I had finances in less of a disastrous state and also my grandmother was still alive and said she'd help if necessary (no longer possible). I had cut down on all my possessions, gave almost everything away to charity so I could fit almost all of my things into a suitcase or two. I had a suitcase for me packed and DD's items packed, though that was the tricky part, and I wrote out many pages of examples of his behaviour to print and leave in the flat for him to find when I had left. Then literally at the exact same time, DD got ill. And then everything else happened and here I am with DS a year and ahalf later, so it's a bit of a setback in that respect but I do think I could plan it all again and start to organise things gradually. I was very naive when I had DD I thought I wouldn't be able to claim any benefits etc because I was employed (but only on SMP) however I since have realised I could have got help, tax credits, etc, which I have never claimed. If only I could go back to 2008 and leave I expect DD would still be here and all would be happy but, blah whatever.

Ehem- anyway how could I resist a Jan 2010 baby meet up!! with TWINS, too! It would be hilarious if someone already knows someone else- the horror of having written every detail of breast engorgement, pelvic floor failures, perineal tears and absence of sex life haha (oh whoops that's just me )

must dash but thank you everyone, sorry to be a miserable blob and thank you for links x

party- do another test in a few days (by saturday if no AF?) first response tests are v good

kitten I've only read first 2 pages of that so far and it's exactly like him!

very funny cant

I did do the other test this am incase hcg levels are higher in the morning but still said negative, so i will now wait and buy a proper one on friday.

my poor dd12 has had the first part of her brace fixed to day, the removable ones, has to have baby tooth removed, needle the works. had her crying in the car for a hour before we even went in. but she was a star (only cryed before he actually touched her???) she is now moaning that its aching, anyone got any advice, she has just taken paracetomol and is now having a lie down.

cant I certainly wouldn't turn down your offer of the room, but i'm sure everyone else will say the same you'll end up with house full

Urrgh - I'm still shaking... my (almost) worst nightmare just came home to roost. A bird flew into the dining room window and fell, almost dead, on the floor below, just where Percy?s favourite place is. Note to those wondering what the drama is about... I am absolutely PETRIFIED of birds and pigeons send me into a cold shaking sweat (literally).

Fortunately Percy was inside sleeping in his pen, I was feeding Olivia.

No neighbours at home to help. Went trudging along every door in the street, until finally found some workmen about 20 doors down - having left Olivia in her highchair and Percy in playpen - at home alone with front door wide open!!!

One of them came to my rescue and removed it for me. By the time he got there it was finally dead.

I?m still shaking and feeling sick with a few palpatations but thank god it wasn?t a pigeon.

I truly am phobic. I cross the road to avoid pigeons - you should have seen me in St Marks Square in Venice once!! Candid camera should have been there.
Urrrrrggggh

CTFN! I hate birds flying inside, a rook type creature landed on the roof the other day and the window was open and it came right up to the window ledge and was huge and I thought it was about to fly in..also had a bird fly into the car not long ago, horrible, but I don't have a pigeon phobia. Staying at your place sounds all the more entertaining sorry sorry insensitive crumpette! Pigeons are indeed rats with wings and carry about 33000 diseases so they're not nice!

Party, yes do get a v sensitive one when you're out on friday and also test only first thing in the morning as it makes quite a difference. Sorry about DD hope she feels better soon. I had an evil dentist when I was her age, I had a filling done and I was late for the appointment so to punish me for being late (traffic was v bad and it wasn't my fault I was only a kid) he didn't give me any anaesthetic I have hated dentists ever since! ibuprofen would be ok helps with swelling and also (has she had her tooth out?) if so then sea salt and warm water mouthwashes help make it heal v quickly.

a new pic of Olivia uploaded

thanks crumpette yes she did have to have the milk tooth taken out, he numbed it with cream but then had to give her needle anyway, i hate dentists soooooo much but i am so careful not to show it to them. i will get some ibuprofen when i go to pick up ds.

cant i don't mind birds inside or out, but am terrified of spiders, when we moved to this house we disturbed lots of them with building work, and dd12 was about 6mths old, i went to make her bottle and there was a huge one in the sink, so i sat at my mil around the corner all day till dh came home, pretending i had took dd to see her.

i nearly peed my pants though yesterday when a woman in the post office started moaning saying 'ohhhhhh please help me there is a spider on my purse' whilst thrusting her purse at some old man, who couldn't see it as it was so tiny, by the time she got to the counter she said 'omg you should have seen the size of the spider that was in my purse???????' with the old man just shaking his head, now even i'm not that mad!

awww Olivia is so gorgeous

i will update my pics later

Hi All!

CTFN - your posts are making me chuckle!

Party - another one here seconding the expensive early ones. I used the clearblue digital with DS2... and got a BFP straightaway!

Am all pureed out today - we are ready to go when I decide to wean. Have made up sweet potato/ carrot/ broccoli/ cauliflower/ courgette on the veg front. Apple/ Pear/ Peach and a Prune/ Apricot compote for the fruits. Had forgotten what a faff it is to do. Thought about the BLW route, but DS1 did really well on purees, so decided to follow the same plan. Still have the DS1's first month weaning plan on an excel spreadsheet, so just planning to copy it again.

Anyhoos....those of you who work, have you had any conversations with work yet? I am going to lunch with my boss on Friday..will be interesting to see what he says.

Hello to everyone else.

Party - lovely pic of Olivia. I should get one up of my boys. Nico's tripp trapp arrived today - got a great picture of them both in their highchairs! Thought it may have been a little early for Nico, but he loves sitting in it. Think it is because he can see the whole world!

Someone also asked about Bethoo earlier. I havent heard from her at all, but she did join that list I have of rl email addresses/ names etc. Will have a looksie for it and email her.

party very cute, what a lovely smile.
CTFN I recommend chocolate to calm your nerves. I hate birds in the house. Oh and great joke! LOL.