Fab Feb 2009: baby coos, stinky poos - three months on...

[dinkystinky]

so here we go again

STW - Have you tried taking Sam to a homeopath or osteopath or some 'alternative therapist' that might offer some additional help? Could help with the cold and eczema and chill him out a bit. I'd push the GP as much as possible - if it is an allergy, and it sounds like it could be, the sooner it's diagnosed the better. Get your HV on the phone and back you up, and make an appointment with your GP as often as you can. Often they'll do what you want just to get you out of there face!!!

You're not a bad mother/failure. You're going through a tough time and with Sam's problems, little O's problem adjusting to Sam and lack of sleep, it's no wonder you're down. If you read back the last few pages you'll see plenty of posts just like yours. I still have awful days when my back hurts, I'm tired and I either sit sobbinng all day or scream at anyone who crosses my path. I've put it down to what it is - a new challenge + no sleep + hormones doing goodness knows what.

Take a deep breath and remember Dinky's motto:-

"It's just a phase. This too will pass"

Well, it's not been too bad this weekend, and he'll be at school in the morning, but I'm so unprepared to do school run etc. I've got to drive him as his school is about 15 minutes away, and I doubt M or I will be out of pj's!!! I need to go to bed and prepare my body for a busy day tomorrow. AND M has her next round of jabs tomorrow, conveniently at the same time as his school lets out...

STW You need to see the paediatrician - for your own peace of mind as well as for poor Sam's sake.

He is so little that I am sure you would be taken very seriously indeed.

You are having a horrible time but help is there and you must take it.

STW, I read somewhere (I think it was in the Dr Sears Baby Book just yesterday) that extra omega 3 oils can really help baby eczema.

Have you tried a humidifier for his congestion?

PSL Have you spoken to the little boy's teachers? I think they are probably the best people to help you.

Oh - so sorry to hear about everyone's woes today.....

LBB any news? Hope DS2 is ok.

STW your poor DS - as the others say, really push for a paed appointment, at least it will feel like you are doing something. Eczema is awful but there is a lot you can do to ease it - but you need proper advice to manage it and make DS more comfortable and that'll help you all have a better time of it. No wonder you are in tears all the time - I think any of us would be with all that to cope with. Don't be too hard on yourself.

PSL so glad to hear that M has got a good scan result - you must be so relieved. Well done to you for stepping in for your cousin. I would have no idea how to entertain a nine year old!

Spotty have you had any sleep yet? I have had a couple of ok nights, but only cos I was sleeping in a different house to DS! Back to the two of them tonight so it might be a different story.

Lilian has been a real pain all day - she hasn't slept at all and I am hoping that'll mean she'll be exhausted and sleep through to 7am tomorrow. Funny how 7am is now considered a luxurious lie in . DH has been in a grump all day - no idea what his problem is, but DS was lovely this morning and sang happy birthday to me (I am 41 today ). Hope everyone has a better day tomorrow - night night x

Happy Birthday, Calico old chap! (I beat you to the 41 by a few months

PSL (I can't get to your new name) good news about M. And good on you for helping your cousin out. I really like nine-year-old boys (the few I know around here, that is).

Thanks all for well wishes re ds1. He is ok, still very hot, but they told me it's a viral infection, so not much to be done.
Anyone else sometimes wonder if viral infection actually means we don't really know?

I told dp today that me and him are over. I said I'd had enough of his blase attitude towards my sons well being.
He told me he couldn't come home everytime something happened as he can't afford to lose his job, and that he only works weekends so I don't have to. I told him to stop spouting that shit at me, work so I don't have to.........I do his washing and ironing so he doesnn't have to, I do all the shopping and pay all the bills (ok, his money) so he doesn't have to. I clean his flat (sort of) so he doesn't have to. I look after his children. He forgets what I do for him, wanker. So then he called me a bitch and I told him that I'm not some old whore-bag, I am the mother of his children and should be spoken to with some fucking respect. His response was "so when you call me a prick and a wanker, I've just got to take it?" Well, yes.
I have moved Luke's cot into ds1's bedroom and the 3 of us are sleeping in there. I told dp we are moving out tomorrow. I don't actually want to, but not much choice now.
I gave him back his bank card, my mobile that he pays for, my jewelery, including eternity ring and told him I don't like him anymore.

Dp just told me we should stay together, not that he wants to. I've just sent a message saying "Is it me or the boys you want? You will always be their father, you don't need to keep me to have them in your life"
He hasn't replied

This is really going to happen isn't it? We're really gonna split up.

I just sent another message saying the fact you didn't answer is the answer isn't it?
He text back and said It's all of you. Sincere

I don't believe him. I don't know what to do anymore.
I do love him. I just don't like him. I can't spend the rest of my life sleeping on ds's bedroom floor, but I don't ever want to sleep back in bed with him.
I also can't keep making empty threats to move out, it's not fair, so I've either got to go or just stop. I don't know how to do this.
He did have a point, he can't leave work everytime someone gets unwell, but he could reassure me that ds1 would be ok couldn't he?
Maybe I expect too much from him.
I just think if it was me and ds's on our own, he'd not be able to disappoint me iyswim.

I think the only thing that might be stopping me, is that if I go, we've got nothing. No money, nowhere to live, no furniture, nothing.
How can I put myself and 2 babies on my mum? She doesn't have the room for us or the money to help us get by. I wouldn't ever be able to afford to live anywhere else.

So I'll have to stay here. But what a shit environment for my children to grow up in.

I'm too fucked up. I'm really going to mess up their lives aren't I?

LBB stop for a second and take a deap breath. No your dp can not leave work everytime someone is ill but your ds1 was not just ill you were worried enought that you were taking him to A&E that is different there are no excuses he should have been there!!!!

If the only thing keeping you there are money and material things then there isn't a real reason for staying because you can live without these. I dont believe that this is the only reason for staying though you are just very upset and angry right now...

Maybe you need some time out from each other just to realise that you do need each other, could you stay with your mum for a couple of days?

You will not mess up your sons lives because you always put their interests first LBB and that is what being a good mother is all about, what ever happens now I know that you will ensure that the boys grow up in a loving and happy environment....

LBB I'm going to take a deep breath & just say this & hope I don't upset you. I think you need to decide what it is you want. You seem to be pushing your DP's buttons in an attempt to get a reaction from him and I'm not clear why. It's almost like you want him to fuck up. I have to say my DH is much less helpful than yours but I don't doubt he loves me or our DSs, that's just who he is and he is brilliant in many other ways. From what you have written I think you have misconstrued what your DP said about working. I took it to mean he works overtime to ensure your family has enough money, not that he thinks you don't pull your weight. I agree it's not great that he didn't come to the hospital with you but I think many men (or women in familes where mum is breadwinner) feel the weight of responsibility for providing and do worry, especially in this economic climate, about ensuring their family's financial security. en especially, do not always make the right choices in situations like that.

LBB, you've got a lot going on at the moment with poorly children, possible PND etc, do you have any RL friends who know you well you can talk to about your situation and try and decide exactly what's troubling you and what you want?

LBB were you & DP having issues before Luke came along?

STW poor you. Could it me a dairy allergy? It would certainly explain the eczema & possibly also the cold symptoms.

thom You are completely right. I am trying to get a reaction from him and I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's that old, push them away and reject them before they can do it to me, but we're not 15 anymore, so that's slightly childish and we have 2 dc's ffs!!
I don't doubt that he loves his dc's. I doubt that he loves me. I don't know what I want. I want us to be able to live happily together. But I need him to understand what I'm going through, but then I need to understand what he's going through too. He has a lot on his plate making sure he can bring home enough money for us, I know that must be frightening. I am such a hypocrite because I forget all this when it suits me to throw a strop.
Bloody PMT!! Is that a good enough excuse for my behaviour. No, I thought not.

See, I said I was fucked up!!

I do need to calm down. It just seems we are travelling in this mad circle of misery. I think we need different things out of a relationship. I need emotional support, I need someone to every now and then hug me and hold my hand without it leading to sex. I need physical contact without having sex. I need to know without a shadow of doubt that I am loved and needed. I don't get any of those thigs and I don't know what it is he wants from me actually.
He seems to find it very difficult to talk about his feelings and things, so I in turn, find it very difficult to talk about mine.
I can't seem to get him to listen, understand, or it seems care how I feel, what I think, or anything else.
Maybe I should write him a letter and get it all on paper? Then he'd have to at least read it? Or is that me acting like I'm a school-girl again?

thom You haven't upset me, you speak the truth. Spot I'm to say

LBB, I think sometimes a letter can be a good thing. It stops you being overcome with anger/emotion and not being able to say what you feel when you do it face to face. It can also be very cathartic, even if you write it all down it doesn't mean you have to give it to him but it might mean things seem a lot clearer in your own mind.

{{{{hugs}}}}

oh bloody hell, just got on here and sad to see so many of my virtual friends (hopefully RL friends next month) are having a shit time.

LBB wish I could pop over and give you a hug but I'm here online for you. From next month if you feel like this, phone me (I'll give you my number on FB). I like to think I'm a pretty good listener and can also give you a bit of legal relationship advice if you really think its over.
Personally, I don't think it is over between you and DP. I think you are suffering from stress over DS's health, frustration and above all, exhaustion. Possibly PND too but I'm not an expert on that. Have you not got any RL friends you can talk to who know you and DP.
Please don't chuck it all away now. Of course you need emotional support, we all do. I honestly believe that the most important thing in any relationship is communication. You need to therefore find a way to express to your DP (in a calm way, with no f*ing and blinding) how you feel. If you can talk to him calmly, you have more chance of him listening. I'm sometimes crap at my own advice and screetch and DH like a bloody fishwife but have learnt from experience that if I do that, he switches off and (to quote from Mars & Venus) he goes into his cave.
Writing a letter is a good idea. You are not a school girl, you are human, you are female and therefore you are emotional. Huge hugs from KSA xxx

PSL, well done for having your cousins son and I can understand why you had to say no to twin girls. A little bit naughty of her to have asked and your DH is right in not letting you agree. I have a bit of experience of 9 year old boys but mine was a bit odd and like to read a lot. A park like someone suggested would be a good idea as you could take M for a nice stroll in her pram. Fantastic news about scan results.

STW, you are a fab mum, we all are for gods sake, we are the fab febs and don't you forget it.
We defintely need a piss/meet up next month to cheer ourselves up

Know there was other stuff I wanted to say but have baby brain so will no doubt have to do a massive ps in a minutes.

FINALLY! managed to finish my first assignment for my counselling course last night and this morning have been trying to move onto next one. Nanny in this morning but DS using emotional blackmail (FFS, he is 3 months old!) and DD kept bugging me so strolled down to cinnabon to try to study there and it was full of various mothers meetings so bloody noisy and then of course I had to have a soding bun! Managed a few paragraphs which I've just typed up and now DS1 back from school after his GCSE business studies. Thank god he feels it went well, (in his words A to A* ish) so he will be happy this afternoon.

dammit, that was what I meant to say,
calico, belated birthday greetings. Join the 41 club, think I'm older than you too swampy. Just a thought, but at the summer meeting, will some of us look like the grandparents?

(((((lbb)))))

Morning - I just got back from the school run - and we all had actual clothes on!!

lbb - I wanna say first off that I get what you're going through. I have the same issue with John of just not knowing how I feel about him. Those pesky hormones have a lot to answer for, plus I know I love M more than anything, so it puts my feelings for J into perspective. It does make it very hard for him, but it's quite difficult and scary for me too, and we've had to force through the brick wall. He actually wants to hold my hand and give me a hug.

I know I only have 1 child, and it may be different with two, but your partner seems to be damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

I would seriously suggest you try and spend time with him as a couple - ask your mum and dad to take a boy each, and spend some time together (does he have any holiday he can take from work?). I would also suggest some counseling, either for you on your own, or the two of you as a couple. If you can't talk to him, can you sit and write it all down? It's a cliche, but it does work, as you can re-write it as many times as you want, and he can re-read it as many times as he needs to.

If you want to go - go. It will be tougher on all four of you if you stay without really wanting to, but I don't think you want to go. I think you want to sort things out and get to a degree of normality, and saying you're going to go is your way of asking your partner to sort things out. In the end though, he might just force your hand...

Thanks MS I think you're right.
I just asked him if I could put my eternity ring back on again.
Maybe I'll write it all down and decide later whether or not to hand it over.
When I asked him how many times he's told me I'm a good mum and he said he didn't think he needed to because he thought I new I was, I wonder what he thinks I'm on AD's for?? I did say that to him, no reply. I just went to bed. Maybe I should try to get him to understand depression again?

Anyway, boring myself!

Ds1 must be bad, I can't even get him to eat chocolate!
It must be the teeth, he is covered in dribble.
I can't get him to take any medicine, he screams and throws himself around. I think we'll ahve to try the powder sachets.
I don't have any loo roll, or sanitry towels. Oh.

mos - older by about five minutes!

MoS Thank you.
PSL Yeah, I don't want to go, he just drives me to the edge sometimes and I don't even know why! Is quite strange.
Again, it's the split personality in my brain (I haven't actually got a split personality, but I have a sensible side and a stupid, selfish side).

He can't win whatever he does, you're right, and I don't know why. Why can't I accept what he is and what he isn't? Is it more of my control issues?

All this talk of age reminds me that I am the youngest person on this thread, and some bitch kind saleslady tried to sell me anti-ageging skincare when I went to Boots the other day. I nearly cried, and thanked her and walked away, but is it time to admit defeat and give in?

I'm only 25 ffs

PSL Hahahaha. Not really.
No one ever believes me when I tell them my age. They always add on a few years.