November 2012 - The Adventure Continues

[StuntNun]

Previous thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/postnatal_clubs/1787896-November-2012-Crawling-Already-Uh-oh

This thread's topic is what size of nappies are your babies in? And how are the cloth bum babies doing?

Fucking hell!!! mm I ain't a swearer but shit !! Take your baby and never ever speak to these vile individuals again...don't beat yourself up, M will never remember the trauma, and if DP don't support you then fuck him too

Sorry my last post lost a bit in the middle. Stupid phone. You can have fun imagining what was deleted from the middle!

stunt from an outsiders point of view, you do have an awful lot on your plate, but I think that you are both doing your best to muddle through these tough months, I also think that it takes 12 months ish for the dynamics of a family to re ajust after a new baby. I think you are right about school and exams finishing and holidays coming up...you will all be able to breathe then.

What is going on, I keep losing a bit, will try on the website rather than the app.

Last attempt...

I'm not sure why my DH is having such a difficult time coping but I think it must be down to stress. His job is extremely high stress, he has to travel abroad at least once a month and in the last two months there was a period where he was away in four of five consecutive weeks. That puts a lot of pressure on me, especially as I was just finishing my degree (exam results still to come eek!) so my mum has been coming over to help out which is great for me but the two of them don't get on (understatement alert).

Personally I think a big part of the problem is DH's childhood experiences. His dad would not lift a finger around the house, even when he was made redundant and out of work for a year he wouldn't do 'women's work'. So my MIL was working a part-time job, doing all the housework and getting four children fed, clothed and out to school. So I think subconsciously DH's idea of how life should be is that he should come home from work and be able to do whatever he wants without worrying about looking after the kids or doing any housework. So that means when he does do any chores or looks after the kids he regards it as being a big favour to me! But it's all subconscious, consciously I think he really believes he is doing the lion's share of the housework and that other working fathers don't do that. He's made a couple of comments such as he's the one that always takes the glass jars and bottles for recycling. But in actual fact I probably do that as often as he does, it's just that he doesn't notice when I do it because I don't make a big song and dance about it. He also get annoyed that there's always drying washing hanging up in the house but I don't think he really understands how many loads of washing a family of five generate in a week and I'm too stingy to use the tumble dryer apart from in emergencies!

So I think he has a lot to deal with: stress at work, a feeling of too many chores at home, not to mention that I'm tired and stressed out as well. And that has led to a catastrophic failure to cope with family life. I hear him shouting at the boys and it just makes me think I'm glad he's not my dad. I know I shout at them too but I try to temper it with love, affection and praise when they are good. Sometimes he plays the role of 'great dad', taking them on days out or buying them toys. But then he swings too far the other way and it's all put downs, threats of taking their toys away and smacked bottoms.

I suppose I keep hoping that things will get better, especially as J's sleep has been so disastrous which is basically ruining our lives. I think it will be better when my exams are over / when school finishes for summer / when we are away on holiday. But maybe I'm just fooling myself and it will never get better.

Yay it worked, I'll stop spamming the thread now and go and pack.

It just makes me think I'm glad he's not my dad

:(

Remember your sunblock ladies and gent! Don't slather the kids and forget yourself!

Well. Don't know where to start actually. Might do a few posts and split things up.

chasing I missed the hi-5 ing so please accept this as an alternative. Plenty peeps have also given reassurance about how you are now feeling. I hope that you can relax and embrace the feeling of oxygen rushing round your body - all that time holding you breath must have left you deprived.

stunt you are so pragmatic and empathic - reading the way you describe your DH and the causes for his behaviour is quite emotional. Your DH is very lucky to have such a patient and sensitive DW. I am sure you are right that once sleep becomes a regular feature of your household you can all start working on being a proper family again.

WTF MM!? I just don't understand your SIL's behaviour. Why would she contact you twice to say all was well and then lose the rag? How bizarre. I could forgive the dirty vest and the sleeping on BIL if they had had a lovely time. You know what I mean? If they had all just been playing and enjoying themselves I wouldn't mind about the other stuff. I also wouldn't mind about the crying - babies cry and can be really hard to settle. But the accusations and name calling? WTF?

Here is my theory. They were having a lovely time and enjoying themselves, forgetting or ignoring the guidance you had left. Then things start to go a bit pear shaped, M gets overtired and hysterical (and we all know how distressing an overtired baby is) just as you text to say you are coming home. Panic sets in as they realise hey have no idea how to cope now and you text to say you will be back early. Your SIL realises how wrong thing have got but can't accept responsibility so blames you and M.

Accepting this as being the case here is what I would do. I would leave them a wee note thanking them for agreeing to sit for you . . . Bear with me! Say that you are not quite sure what happened but it is clear that everyone is pretty upset. I would explain that You are hurt by the references to M in a negative way and that you cannot accept that she is to blame for whatever happened. Then, maybe I would conclude with a kind of invitation for them to get in touch should they want to talk through the evening.

As I have said above, I would forget the lack d sleep suit, the dirty vest the lack of grobag. Leave it behind. Those things don't matter. What matters is the nasty accusation and cruel references to your child. My suggestion above I suppose also only stands if you have any interest in salvaging a relationship. If not then forget them.

VQ I have yet to visit the Falkirk Wheel. We might take a visit soon. Maybe some of this lovely sunshine will burn off the bugs, germs and snot from Valium towers.

I am not sure quite how you avoided 'accidentally' waking DH! That is one mega-snooze! Even after a boozy night I am not sure I could ever have slept that long on the sofa.

Oh! Last paragraph was for izzy

Other stuff I noticed from yesterday. . .

I am a pretty rubbish woman as well actually. Apart from being in possession of a vagina and a pair of breasticles I am not much cop at some of the other typical girl shiz. My hair is often unbrushed and almost always stuffed in a ponytail. My 'styles' are: high tail, low tail, folded over tail, bun, grabbed in a claw thing. Makeup wise I almost always wear mascara and eyeliner. Always have. Occasionally I foray into foundation and . . . Blusher! Not often. Wedding day for example.

How are you feeling today PR?

How did F get on with your MIL, BP? Did you tell us? Your story with the CM haunted me all say yesterday until we visited our CM.

I remember seeing det, kirrin, fatima, eliza, bry and luis. ! I know I will have forgotten someone and feel bad. tits and madam*. Think I saw you as well

Someone asked of sleep was any better here. I'm afraid not yet. I've decided I want to be more positive about things since I broke the other day and practically threw a non sleeping DS at a computer playing DH.

I've also decided I'm only going to look after one child in this house, rather than constantly trying to get my DH to grow up. He's great, but can annoy me occasionally moping round the house complaining how tired he is, and how much his back and arms and knees hurt from having DS for any time at all. If I don't try and control it then it shouldn't stress me as much right? Just need to tell DH whenever he's being a dick bit childish.

I hoped dairy and egg free would have an immediate improvement on DS sleeping, but I think teeth or something has taken over. He's very unsettled thrashing his head side to side and waking crying. He's also like a boy possessed with a rabid dog! The way he wrings his toys side to side in his mouth across his gums. No sign of any teeth though.

Chasing glad you've got a flat sorted and a plan, you sound really happy. If you're needing furniture have a look for charities and things in your area. Up here we have The Bethany Shop which is a Christian run charity which focuses on furniture, there's also "fresh start" and "Edinburgh furniture initiative" all for people in a similar position to you.

Stunt it's hard when behaviour is so ingrained into someone they don't really see it. Shouting tends to breed shouting though, and you'll find your kids will copy his behaviour toward you and each other. I have found a temper in me I thought I'd overcome, being tired has really not helped. I've been reading a site called the orange rhino by a mum trying to stop shouting at her kids. She has some great tips for what to do when you feel like shouting, maybe your DH would be amenable to doing some of them?

I feel like I'm not really in a position yet where I should be commenting on all your news as I don't know you as well as you all know each other. I'm impressed by how supportive you all are though. :)

If I were to lurk on Facebook too, how would I find you all?

Bloody hell Stunt . What struck me there is he is offended by drying washing? Grow the fuck up - does he think the fairies dry washing or something??? WTAF to be offended by someone doing his washing!!!!

Bloody hell MM! Is his entire family psychotic?! I can't understand why anyone would do that to a tiny baby . Did they volunteer to take M or were they asked? Not taking their side but might it have been that they weren't comfortable looking after a baby but didn't want to say no knowing how important your ball was to you (they maybe just thought, how hard can it be?)? Has M spent much time with them before? Just wondering why the hell she went so batshit but they didn't have the fecking sense to call you!!!! I can see if she was just screaming and crying they may not have been able to change her vest or get a bottle in (they don't have kids do they? or clearly much experience!!) but for gods sake they should just have rung you! She's your daughter you wouldn't have minded a bloody call and would have been home in a heartbeat. Oh that makes me so angry for you all. Calling her a little shit - unforgivable no matter how stressed they were by her crying. M is adorable. I don't get how someone's first response when a baby is crying is anything other than empathy. Big hug to you. That must have totally spoiled your memories of the ball.

I've yet to leave Jonas with anyone but his Daddy but these stories (yours and BP) are putting me right off. I know I need to at some point but there's only really my sister who he knows well enough and sees regularly enough to not freak out if she were the one to cuddle him in the middle of the night - and she's the only one I'd trust. Actually no, I'd trust my PIL too - they probably wouldn't look after him exactly as I would want but they managed to raise 2 kids and look after their other 2 grandkids so they would at least call if he were upset (not least because FIL can't cope with crying babies). My pal has volunteered this week (she's down from Orkney) but he just doesn't know her well enough and he's right smack bang in the age for separation anxiety so don't want to push it - but I am going to bite the bullet when we go on holiday with DH's family next month - me and him are off out for dinner and drinks at the end of the week by which time he'll be familiar with Grandma and Grandad enough I reckon.

The bad night here turned ok thank goodness, calpol at 12.30 meant he returned to his normal schedule - had a quick feed at 5 and woke for the day at 9. DH let me sleep in until 10.30. Must have been his teeth disturbing him in the early evening? - poor wee chap. Calpol before bed tonight me thinks. We've had bad nights with his teeth every night this week when he hasn't had it (4 nights). Unless the dressed crab at the game fair I had, had dairy in it? Mindst if that were the case calpol would have made it worse not better.....

I'm tired. I'm angry, very frustrated at not being able to do anything about my problem over the weekend. I have emailed the man that I hope will be able to help me to ask for an appointment. I tried in the email to explain the situation but it got long and whiney. And on paper it was all I don't like her she's a big meanie. I hope I'll be able to explain better face to face. Hopefully.

MM I've just read what Pass said. I bet she's right. I bet your SIL read the instructions and did the classic childless person's 'eyeroll' at mentions of avoiding overtiredness and the importance of routine and just got into playing with her / having fun, and has found out the hard way why you stipulated what they needed to do to care for M so specifically. I bet she then found that it was impossible to change her clothes and get her into her grobag by the time she was overtired and upset and had hoped that she would be asleep before you came home and didn't want to have to call you - and what they would see as 'spoil your evening'. I think Pass's suggestions are very wise but I can see why you might be too upset to countenance them just yet.

Search for Nov 12 babies stacks. There is a picture of a pregnant lady with a flower on her bump. Don't feel you can't comment - we all started somewhere. Some of us have been together since our BFPs (or before - am I right?) and others joined after the babies were born.

You should defo join the Facebook group as that is where the pics all are and info about meet ups.

Poor wee squidge YW.

Stunt I don't really know what to say other than it is incredible reading how you are trying to justify your DH's behaviour. He is indeed so lucky to have you and I really hope he realises this. Big squishy hug for you when you come to Fife!

Re SIL. I have two main issues:

1. Her poor care of M. Elements of this can be overlooked.

2. Her attitude. I do not know how much of this can be fixed.

We tidied her apartment then left quietly. DP has emailed her outlining his dismay. I am too angry to speak to her (although secretly proud that I kept a civilised silence last night and this morning while she stropped and slammed doors, the old me would have laid into her) but I think I will write her a letter when the dust has settled. I am stuck between sadness and anger, disappointment really shining through.

BUT we had a lovely weekend and I will not let that stupid, incapable witch ruin the wonderful time we otherwise had.

Now watching Murray with a punnet of strawberries out in the garden whilst editing some photos. Will pop a few up later in a month's time, there are thousands

Many thanks for the link Stacks, I'll have a look at that. Tbh I think we're going to need counselling of some sort as DH will not consider that his behaviour is inappropriate. But realistically until J is a bit more settled I think it's best to plug on and try and get by. Who knows, maybe it's time for DH to look for a new job that doesn't require so much foreign travel. His work are very inconsiderate of family needs, he has to go to Japan for a month, they wanted it to be six months but fortunately his immediate boss said that wasn't an option for someone with young kids.

YW we had a week of horrific nights before M's first tooth popped through. Maybe there will be teeths this week

Also, and this is the last I will say about it, I am especially annoyed about M being referred to as a 'little shit' as she has been an absolute star this week. She was awake from 4am until 10pm with just an hour sleep in the car on the day of my graduation, passed around about 100 people and smiled the whole day without a whinge. She has swam in the sea, played on swings and been cuddled by strangers this weekend without so much of a whimper. She has also slept amazingly and eaten everything we have given her. I am so proud of how great she has been that last night was just a massive kick in the teeth. I would hate to see how they coped with a difficult baby.

Stunt, yes I have a friend who is a builder who could recommend local experts hopefully.

MM this just proves why I won't let anyone but DP or my mum have L despite DP wanting me to find a babysitter. I am so sorry. Big hug.

Stunt I am in ore of you. I would not cope like you are if my DP was not supportive. Huge huge hugs.

In this sport obsessed house we have F1 on one tv, Wimbledon on the other and DP and I stood in hall watching both and baby sleeping in car with all doors open as he fell asleep on way back from swimming!

I want to do a lions tour, playing it and watching rugby are my big loves after L and DP.

MM referring to any baby as a little shit shows someone's immaturity - you're being very calm and mature about this. M sounds like she's been a little star after a very hectic weekend. Did she enjoy the sea? I hope she's a water baby - with you two as parents I'm sure she will be.

Did she wake up to them after you'd put her down I wonder and then freak out wondering who are you, where's my Mum, where am I etc? Or did you ask them to put her to sleep for the night (this might have been a bit optimistic if she doesn't see them very often maybe? - especially after such a busy weekend but in which case they should have just said they weren't comfortable with this and you could have put her down and gone later). She sounds like she has been a total star as you say and she really is a very happy wee soul - little shit is totally uncalled for but says more about SIL than M. As others have said she won't remember it.

Ta for the advice re teefs. I hope I don't discover he's got one in a nippy kind of way.... there's none visible just yet. He's just gone for an afternoon out with Daddy so I can do some prep work for starting freelance later this month when my maternity allowance ends watch Andy Murray and seems to be in a good mood, it's just for the first few hours after I've put him down on a night that he's in a bit of discomfort. Tonight will be preemptive calpol I think. If he's anything like his Dad he'll not be erm, particularly 'stoic' in the face of illness or pain

Great game of tennis. Come on Muzza

I am watching it too. I have no idea what's happening though. Every shot is followed by me going "who was that? What's just happened?"

Pass I'm the same. I can't tell which tall skinny bloke with a hat and two white wristbands on is which.... Did they not think of this!!!!